2008 ranting

why do i feel so ridiculous with everything i do?
why does it seem so useless?
because i always first check with others weither they do it and then i just go: oh what i do isnt original anymore, so who cares..
or i want people to find me originaland interesting, but overall i think they find me very stupid and seaking for attention
in everything i do
so jes that s true
i try to be so perfect and not repeat myself because repeating yourself is supposedly a bad thingvery unoriginal very uncool
when iwas young i used to repeat myself a lot just to make sure everyone heard what i had to say, so everyone knew i had something to say, i d just scream it out, then later i said something and when people didnt hear i would not repeat and go into self pity kindof like: o what i say doesnt matter anyways. and when after a while they asked me: what were you gonna say?
i d say, never mind it doesnt matter
'never mind', that has definately been my statement for a long time. to get people to be intrigued by me, to get them to listen more carefully to me next time i say something and to be pathetic to get their attention aswell, like always placing myself under people so i would be the good one.
so i get pity so i get attention
pity or prise
if i dont get prise i want pity, anything for attention, not just me here
me here is scared
let go here
me here let go
and melt
with the images
because it is me here
it is not feeling it is not reread it is not an idea
it is not refuge
it is not easing the pain
it is not someone else
i am someone else
i am not here when i am there with others
else where
but still me
is here
not somewhere else
i write as me for me there s no one else
i m no system
i have no rules there are no rules
no expectations
i am not clever
i dont need to be
i am not original
i dont need to be


i find myself a very if not extremely dull and normal person, who just happens to have had these weird experiences 'spiritually', who just happens to be in this process. i guess i ve been judging the process as something thats way cool to elevate myself above myself, above the dullness and the normalcy. always trying to be better than myself.
when i was a kid i lied about being on dance shows or having a horse or a bycicle, when i didnt, just to get people to think i am cool, because to me, i wasnt cool enough. others were always cooler, had cooler lives. like anton, i met him in my senior year, he came into the school and he lived in my neighbour hood, he introduced me into his world and to me it was amazing, it was so cool, so out of the ordinary, out of my world. i wanted to be that way too because i wasnt good enough. but before that i had already started to build up this 'special' personality, by writing on my wall in my room, writing poetry in a little diary that i would let lying around so someone might by accident read it. meeting anton was just someting that i created adding up to my 'special' personality. he introduced me to his friends, rasta people, goa, hippies drugs paddos etc...
i did all of that but i never thought i was actually cool enough to be part of it. i tried but it wasnt me, it was sugar coating, the people were prettier cooler smarter better than me. i was just little old me dull and normal. and up to this point i guess i ve continued living in the illusion of my 'special world' when all the while there s nothing special about me, i m not smart, i m not a philosopher, i cant juggle with words and speak deep and profound and insight ful things, i dont 'get' stuff, i dont see stuff, i m not special. i m very normal . iv e always denied that about myself.
because i didnt want to be like everyone else, i wanted to stand out, be noticed. like the main character in a hollywood movie, like the one that was born when all the stars aligned, the most special human walking this planet. and i actually believed that, discarding everything else as stupid and average. therefore fearing those people because they might expose me, because somehow i knew that they were 'smarter' than me, because they 'kept it real', i had long forgotten how to do that. so i felt a lot of shame about myself when in the presence of others who 'kept it real', i avoided them within the thought that they re stupid, they dont know shit and i do. my emotions and feelings and thoughts are deeper and more profound. and when i wouldnt get something someone said, i would always be able to give it a twist so in the end i was more special.
so i d rather feel like i dont fit in so i can feel more special than to have to realise that i m just not that clever as i think i am.

i liked it when people told me about my personality. like: you re lazy or slow (for a long time i was) and then unpredictable, mysterious, weird, strange

i wanted to profile myself, so when they said i was slow, that was my thing.
like: i do something cool and then for a while people think i am cool and then after a long time i do another really cool thing. kindof to surprise people, when their attention has worn of, when the one trick is starting to get boring.
always judging what i do with: will it draw the kind of attention i want? the kind where people say that what i do is amazing, like with my last post on desteni on my sf page. it was out of self honesty, but then it turned into something i used to feel good about myself. something that made me cool and stand out.