2008 fear of loss

i feel like i m too silent around my mom. and when i say something i feel like it s too mean.
i constantly think she s very bothered with my silence and short answers. i dont really knowwhy i am that silent. i m bothered by it . i feel like i m hurting her constantly simply by not saying a word.
she let me know before that she likes it when i talk about my day or about anything, so i know she doesnt like it. i d wanna keep her happy like that but i cant . i cant say self dishonest words, but i cant seem to stand up for me either. out of fear of losing her. fear of conflict fear of her anger.
i fear losing everybody by not speaking or speaking, speaking stupid things like on forum.
i seem to have attached myself to everyone around me because i dont want to trust me. i dont want to just have me to lean on, i dont know if i d do the right things, i fear falling into fear when i m alone, abandoned by all, by my mom, my family.
i was with my family yesterday and all the time while the conversation i felt like i had to say something, stand up and say something, but what?
i felt movement and frustration because i didnt know what to do with it, out of fear of failing...
i was making pictures in my mind ofhow it would be, i feared pissing everyone off, i was creating scenarios of how things would go, how awkward it would be... how maybe i d feel bad about what i said etc

i forgive myself fo raccepting and allowingmyself to fear my mother
i forgive msyefl for accepting and allowingmysefl to fear the silence
i forgive myself fo raccepting and allowing myself to fear my mother getting angry over my silence
i forgiv emyself fo raccepting and allowingmysefl to exist in perpetual fear when i m around my mother
i forgiv emyslef for acceptingand allowingmyself to feel bad about possibly making my mom feel bad about me being so silent all the time
i forgiv emyself fo racceptingand allowing myself to not want my mom to feel bad
i forgiv emyself for accepting and allowingmyself to fear my mom not loving me anymore
i forgiv emyself fora ccepting and allowingmyself to think i need my mother to love me
i forgive myself for accpetin gand allowing myself to fear losing my mother because of my behaviour
i forgiv emyself fo racceptin gand allowing myself to feel guilty for not speaking to her because she takes care of me, the least i could do is make her happy by speaking to her
i forgive mysefl for accepting and allowingmyself to feel uncomfortable when she is silent aswell because i think that meens that she is building up frustration towards me and my silence
i forgive myself fo racceptin gand alloiwngmyself to want people to talk amongst each other because silence might indicate something being wrong
i forgi ve myself for accepting and allowing myself to see silence between people as an indication that there s something wrong
therefore having fear when it is silent when i m around people, fear that they dont like me
i forgi vemyself fo raccepting and allowingmyself to want people to like me
i forgive myself for accepting and allowingmyself to want people to like having me around
i forgi vemyself fo r accepting anda llowing myself to fear people not liking me
i forgi vemyslef for accepting and allowingmyself to think i need people to like me and to want me around so i can feel safe and cared for
i forgive msyefl fo raccepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the humans around me by attaching myself to them and projecting my trust on them so they can take care of me
i forgiv emyself for accepting and allowing mysefl to fear trusting nothing and no one but myself
i forgive myself for accepting and allowingmyself to fear failing and thus rely on others to tell me what to do and how to live so that i can feel safe and right
i forgiv emyself for accepting and allownigmysefl to fear standing up for me as me
i forgiv emyself fo raccepting anda lloiwngmyself to want others to stand up for me because i fear failing and not doing the right thing
i forgiv emyself fo raccepting and allowingmyself to fear standing up as me because i ve never done it before
i forgi vemyself for accepting and allowingmyself to think i can tstand up as me because i dont know who i am
i forgive myself for accepting and allowingmyself to project myself into the future when thinking or intending to stand up as me where i ve already failed and then out of fear not standing up
i forgiv emyslef for acceptingand alloiwngmyself to fear people getting angy at me when and if i stand up as me and then me not being able to handle it
i forgive myself fo raccepting and allowingmyself to fear losing everyone around me if fand when i stand up as me
i forgi vmeyslef for accepting and allowingmyself to not realise that i cant stand up as me out of fear of loss because that s not me
i forgi vmeyslef fo r having accepted and allowed myself todefine myself according to fear of losing people
i forgiv meyself fo rhaving accepted and allowed myself todefine myself according to the belief that i cant take care of myself
i forgiv emyself for having accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to the belief that i need my mother and friends or people to take care of me and tell me what to do
i forgiv emyself fo racceptingand allowing myself to let fear of the future limit me in my self expression
i forgiv meyslef for acceptinga dnallowing myself to project my fears into the future thus creating that very fear based future for myself
i forgi vmeyself for acceptingand allowing myself to think i can predict the future
i forgi ve myself for accepting and allowingmyself to think and believe i can fail
i forgi vmeyself for accepting and allowingmyself to believe i can die by getting people upset with me
i forgiv meyself fo raccepting and allowingmsyelf to actually believe that if i keep people happy, i will be safe
i forgi vemyself fo ranot allowing myself to realise the illusion of separating my own safety and trust and security onto others and then needing them to experience this
i forgi vemyself fo raccepting and allowingmyself to fear doing something wrong in the eyes of others and then be rejected
i forgiv emyself fo raccepting and allowingmyslef to believe i will lose myself if i lose the people around me, if i lose my mom, my family, my job, desteni
i cannot lose me i am one and equal to all
i am my own safety trust security certainty aslife within myself as all as one as equal
i am not the future nor the past
i am not fear of failure
i cannot fail
i am trust
i am safety
i am security
i dont need my mother to experience life
i am one and equal to my mother
i am my own mother
i do not fear anger
i do not fear loss because i realise it is just an illusion
i cannot lose anything or anyone in oneness and equality
therefore i need no one or nothing
i am here