2008 fear of mother

i did alot on this already, but it keeps sticking
when she s around i feel a lot of fear, sometimes soo bad i cant move

http://youtube.com/watch?v=vOGZq2eDxCQ
pain in my direction finger

i allow myself to be directed by fear
fear of creating conflict
fear of people being angry or annoyed by me
like my mom or my employers
so people that i appearantly depend on

also i am directed by ideas o f what i am going to be, not here in andas the moment
always seeking emotions and feelings by desiring or wanting to do something

i forgiv meyself for having accepted and allowed myself to fear my mother
i forgi vmeyself for having accepted and allowed myself to judge my mother as a mean and dominant person
i forgiv emyself for having accepted and allowed myself to believe that my mother dominates me
i forgive myself for having accepted andallowed myself to believe that my mother controls me because she sais what i can and cant do and i have to listen
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to fear being silent around her because she might be frustrated about that
i forgiv meyself for accepting and allowing myself to fear speaking to her because she might not agree it might not be good enough
i forgive myself for accepting andallowing myself to exist in and as fear around my mother, fear of not doing what she wants me to do or being who she wants me to be
i forgiv emyself fo raccepting and allowingmyself to fear speaking direct because i might lose her
i forgiv emyself fo r not allowing myself to trust myself because i think she knows better than me
i forgi vemyself for accepting and allowingmsyelf to think i cant do things on my own because i m not prepared and i dont know the world like mother does
i forgi vemyself for accepting anda llowingmsyelf to believe my mother when she tells me that i wont make it on my own because i dont know enough
i forgiv emyself for accpeting andallowingmsyelf to doubt myself based on my mothers words
i forgi vmeyself for accepting and allowingmyself to want to go live on my own because of pride
because i want to prove that i can
i forgiv emyself for accepting and allowingmsyelf to think it is demeaning stayng here with my mother because she tells me what i can and cant do
i forgiv emyself for accepting and allowingmsyelf to be dictated by pride and ego
i forgiv emyself for accepting anda llowingmsyelf to want my mother to think i am a strong and independant person
i forgiv meyself for accepting andallowingmyself to feel weak and dependant because my mother sees me that way
i forgi vemyself for acceptinga nd aallowingmyself to make future projections about moving out and living by myself based on fear of change and failure
i forgi vmyself for accepting andallowingmsyelf to want to prove to my mom that i can be just as successful as her at living alone
i forgive myself fo raccepting and allowingmyself to fear being just me in what i say towards her because i fear the consequences i fear pissing her off i fear conflict
i forgive myself fo raccepting anda llowingmyself to believe that the image i have in my mind of living alone is real
i forgiv emsyelf for acceptinga nd allwoingmsyelf to think i have to worry and think about the future because my mother wants me to
i forgiv meyself for accepting and allowingmsyelf to find me lazy for not worrying about the future because my mother calls it that
i forgiv emyself for accepting and allowingmyself to fear not having security in the future
i forgiv emyself for accepting and allowingmsyelf to think that i am safe when my mother approves of what i do, when she keeps an eye on it and approves
i forgiv emyself for allowingmsyelf to see my mother as authority on life
i forgiv myself fo raccepting anda llowingmyself to only do things that my mother approves of
i forgive myself for accepting anda llowingmsyelf to fear doing things that my mother disapproves of because i will have no support when i do it
i forgiv emyself for accepting and allowing myself to see my mother as my support in life
i forgive myself fo raccepting and allwoingmsyelf to believe my mother when she sais i wont make it on my own i will fail
i forgive myself for accepting andallowingmsyelf to think that if i dont have support from someone else i will fail
i forgiv emyself for accepting and allwoingmsyelf to want people to see that i succeed inwhat i do
i forgi vmeyself for accepting and allwoingmsyelf to fear people thinking that i failed or people disapproving
i forgive myself fo r not allowingmyself to realise that i am not living for others i am life as all as one as equal here
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to believe that i have to listen and follow my mother to survive
i forgiv emyself for having accepted and allowed myself towant to convince my mother that i am doing the right thing even though she thinks i am not
i forgi vmeyself for accepting and allowingmyself to believe that i am doing the wrong thing because my mother disapproves of it
i forgive myself fo raccepting and allowingmyself to let myself get influenced by what my mother sais out of fear of change fear of failure
i forgiv emyself fo racceptinga ndallowingmyself to believe that the futurepredictions i create in my mind are real and not realise that i am here the future does not exist no matter what my mother sais
i forgive myself for accepting adnallowingmyself to believe that my mother is planting fear in my mind
i forgi vemyself for accepting anda llowingmyself to truly believe that what i can do or what i do out of myself wont work or is silly and unlogical and unpractical and will fail
i forgiv emyself for accepting anda llowingmsyelf to make expectations of the future of how it must be and think that i could never live up to those expectations by myself
i forgive myself fo racceptinga ndallowing myself to fear getting my mom upset
i forgiv myself fo raccepting anda llowingmyself to fear feeling less than my mom if she would get upset about something i do
i forgive myself fo raccepting adna llwoingmsyelf to fear doing the wrong thing and thus upsetting my mom and thus feeling like i am wrong
i forgiv emyself for accepting anda llowing myself to think that i am what my mother thinks of me
i forgive myself for acceptinga dnallowing myself todefine myself according to the judgement of my mother over me
i forgi vemyself for having accepted and allowingmyself to believe that i cannot live without my mother
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to react in anger when my mother fails to understand me
i forgiv emyself for having accepted and allowed myself to react in anger when my mother misinterprets what i say to her and then makes a definition of me based on her interpretations
i forgive myself fo raccepting and allowingmyself to feel guilty when my mother says that i dont care about her i just use her for her house and money
i forgive myself for accepting and allowingmsyelf to react with pride because i dont want my mother to think i am taking advantage of her
i forgiv emyself for not allowingmyself to realise that i am one and equal to my mother i am only reacting to myself in separation of myself to a part i havent realised within myself and have separated from me and projected onto my mother
i forgive myself for allowing myself to react with fear when i think i ll have to move out and live on my own
i forgi vmeyself for allowing myself to react with future projections to the fear based on fear of failure
i forgive myself fo rallowingmsyelf to think i have to consider everything and i have to make preparations and have to think about stuff for making a future for myself
i forgive myself for not allowing myself to realise that here is where the future as one and equal to who i am here is created
i forgive myself for not allowing myself to realise that if i allow fear here within me i will create that which i fear
i forgi vemsyelf for allowing myself to think that i am a fearful person and the whole here manifesting future will not work for me
i forgive myself for not allowing myself to realise that something only doesn t work when i have expectations about how something should go
i forgi vemyself for allowing myself to think i would be lost without future expectations
i forgiv emsyelf for not allowingmsyelf to realise that i am already lost in the idea of the future

till here and no further
i am here
the future doesnt exist
it is only based on the system i ve allowed myself to become from the past
i am not fear i do not fear my mother i do not fear the world
i am one and equal to my mother i am one and equal to the world as my world as here as creation as who i am
as breath
i am me and what my mother thinks about me cannot influence me becausei realise it is me thinking things about me and i as who i am as life am not a thought i am not an emotion
i am here
i cannot be anywhere else