2009 responsibility

'after all, we are responsible for ourselves'

i ll have a look at this statement.
it, for me, implies: NO MORE MANIPULATION!!

it simplistically means, just to be here, because that is self, that is myself, that is all there is to me, and that is self responsability.

so, whenever i am manipulating, i am not here, i am 'there', somewhere projected into the future, so i am already being self dishonest within manipulating because only something that is not real in the first place can be projected into the future, which is not real either.

so, from my already self dishonest nature, i will manipulate, when i approach a being.

i will reason within myself what to say or what to do towards this person so i can protect my own interests, my own desires of survival as an ego.

when i speak to beings, i will think within myself, reason within myself. which is not HERE. what is here, is crystal clear.

it is simply HERE, i have the tendency to go ponder about shit, give it meaning. give meaning to what i say, as if it does infact mean something.

for example, i have trouble saying 'no' to other beings, i have trouble 'rejecting' another, because i myself to not want to be rejected, because of my desire for a relationship.

as i was typing this, a man called, asking me to go drink coffee in a bar. i felt anxiety because i didnt know whether to say 'yes' or 'no'.
previously when he was here, i said it was best we did not meet again.
i have that tendency to question myself, to doubt whether i am doing the 'right thing'.

i doubt 'maybe if i say no, it is my mind saying no, maybe i should go'. so i still dont really trust my expression.

so i just need to let go of giving meaning to what i do. because, really it doesnt matter if i go drink with him or not. self honesty is not what i do, it is who i am as HERE. self expression does not answer to rules. that s been my 'pickle' within this process. i was trying to be self honest, by trying to do the right thing, by thinking about what i should or should not do, within the desire of giving meaning to my expression.

when it is so incredebly simply: i am HERE, and that is it.

and it is that point that is all encompassing, that is absolute, because: i am either HERE or i am not. i am either completely and absolutely self honest, within and as self responsability within and as the moment as self expression, or i am self dishonest within wanting to survive, within desiring relationships, within wanting to rely on others to help, assist, support me.

i forgive myself for not allowing myself to be satisfied with HERE as my expression within and as the moment as i sit here breathing
i forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to question myself, as an attempt to give meaning to myself
i forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to attempt to know my expression, to try to predict and define it
i forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to doubt myself as my expression
i forgive myself for not allowing myself to be flow as the natural flow of life as who i am here, as flow as breath
i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to accept myself as natural flow, as breath, as the simplistic movement of the nature of myself as my human physical body
i forgive myself for not allowing myself to accept myself as simplicity, because i ve copied the idea from my parents that life is complicated and that my expression must consider all sorts of fears and thoughts and that i must mean something
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to desire meaning something, to desire being able to define myself
i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to accept myself as constant-ness, as stability, as meaninglessness, as simplicity
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want something of life
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that life can be anything more than HERE
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live and breathe in vain, by not recognising my body as who i really am, but by attempting to be and create more than life, than what exist here
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire separation, to desire friction, to desire feeling and experiencing something inside, because i ve associated movement inside as life and living
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to associate movement inside as polarity friction as energy with life and living
i forgive myself for not allowing myself to simply embrace what is HERE as myself as breath, as my mind, as my body, as all as one as equal, as simplicity
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to desire complexity
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to desire definitions
i forgiv emyself for having accepted and allowed myself to desire desire
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to desire separation
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to desire living within an illusion as reactions as thoughts feelings and emotions
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire reacting to other beings when i see them with my human physical eyes
i forgive myself for accepting and alloweng myself to desire experiencing fear when i see other beings with my human physical eyes
i forgiv emyself for accepting and allowing myself to want to feel good, therefore to want to be able to define what i do so i can judge it as 'good' or 'bad' and accordingly react to that with an emotion and/or feeling
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want it to mean something when i am speaking to other beings
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give meaning to other beings, so i can, within that, give meaning to myself
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, when speaking to another being, define my expression because i do not want to be here as one and equal with the other being, no, i want to be meaningful myself and i want the conversation to mean something
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to expect something from self expression that is actually not myself, to expect some kind of separation

i now see this point: of everything not being able to be anything else but absolutely constant and silence, because that is simply me. in absolute self honesty, i am only here as silence and that is it.

i tend to want to give meaning of my expression towards other beings. because i expect to feel good, i expect to feel exited, i do not really want to be just constant without expectations in the future.
it is more fun for me to react to my thoughts and resist them and fight them, than to just let them pass by and not react at all, to let thoughts be just part of the natural flow of life that is me.

thoughts are supposedly there to react to.
so, what is reaction then.

i desire to be able to do stuff, so i can show to others that i can do stuff. i want to think about how other people will react to the stuff i do, so i can give it meaning. for example when i post something on a forum, i want to think about what other beings will think about it and how it might be judged, i want to make a good impression and i want to doubt about what to write and what not and i want to feel as though it really matters what i write at all. as if it matters wheter i write ego shit or not. it should not matter to anyone else but me because i am here alone.

that is the self honest point: the aloneness wherein all is constant and all is the same, because all is me within and as oneness and equality.

and only within this constantness, can we all be one and equal.

till here and no further:

i accept myself as constant and stable as stability as life as flow as here
i do not allow myself to give meaning to myself as others as anything
i am constant

within the constantness, all is revealed, all is exposed, nothing can be hidden, because all is HERE. within the constantness, everything is direct.

the constantness is both uncontrollable yet it is self control, it is assertiveness and direct.