2008 - guilt means go

i ve noticed an interesting thing: i was listening to music by enya, and backstreet boys etc. and i reacted with desire, as that music with the clear voices indicates sex to me.
now what i did immediately with the reaction was try to suppress it and feel guilty about it, feel bad about feeling desire, yet, it felt like the guilt was just an excuse i used to go on participating:

like: as long as i feel guilty about it, i can keep doing it
what unbelievable SELF dishonesty, actually doing shit behind my own back, actually lying to myself

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to feel guilty about experiencing desire, only to use as an excuse to keep feeling and participating in desire

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to feel aroused and exited when i hear popular music, especially r&b and pop

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to associate that music with sex, as in 'losing myself in music' as i would 'lose myself in sex and desire'

i forgive myself for allowing myself to want to lose myself in desire, so i can litterally lose myself to never have to face myself again

i forgive myself for allowing myself to react with desire to music where there is a base and a soft female voice singing about touching and sex and desire and seduction

i forgive myself for allowing myself to experience exitement when i hear a person singing, 'in key', as that represents to me the 'screams' of pleasure within sex

it indicates pleasure for me

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to see listening and reacting to music, as enjoying myself, as pleasure, as nice, as enjoyment

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to be influenced by popular music, by the media, that portray naked women brushing against men in music videos, where the woman is always weaker and desired by men, and where she is trying to prove and show that she can be independent, without a man

what is what i have allowed myself to become: experiecing myself as weaker, within giving my power away to men. and then try to prove that i am strong, as some kind of picture presentation of myself.

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to separate music from myself by wanting to desire it, so i wouldnt have to face me here, as one and equal with all

i forgive myself for allowing msyelf to feel desire at the idea of the woman being weaker and dominated by the man, because in this i could give away my power and self responsability to a man, so i wouldnt have to stand up and face myself

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to separate strength from myself by believing that it is a picture presentation like the women on tv, the 'warriors', the 'cool' women, and that, if i just would look like that, i will experience strength

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to listen to music with the intention of feeling aroused and experiencing desire, and conjuring up images within my mind where i can experience 'strength' while i am in fact taking away my own strength and giving it to images, separate from myself

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to believe that sex and desire is 'bigger than me', that all those people and the music of tv are stronger, more powerful than me

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to react within desire to songs where women are moaning and huffing and puffing, implicating desire and sex, because i ve allowed myself to give away my power to desire for sex, as an attempt to escape from myself HERE

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to be deceived by the picture presentations of tv of 'beautiful' seductive sexy attractive women, that are desired by all, screaming out SEX!!! and HOT and DESIRE

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to fall into the trap of being pleased by sex and desire, not realising that it all dies, it all passes, it is but a momentary 'infatuation', a momentary 'hot flash', afterwards i am left with shame and regret, because i have yet again allowed myself to fall into the trap like a jackass, as if i didnt already know that it would just end up in me feeling regret

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to desire the exitement, the momentary feeling 'lifted up', when listening to music, the momentary exitement when the voices are rising, indicating a 'lifting up' as in 'orgasm', as in 'moving towards the light'

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to actually crave and desire for 'salvation', 'being lifted up', being 'released from myself'
WTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTF!!!!!!!

what a fucking jackass i am!!!

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to 'turn a blind eye' on myself for a moment, just so i could get a 'shot' of 'momentary lifting up', 'momentary orgasm'
when listening to music or seeing pictures of half naked women dancing on tv or in magazines

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to crave being or believing that i am the picture presentation of those women i see on television, of which i ve allowed myself to believe that they represent strenght

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to actually believe that those women and men in music videos with their dance moves and close ups of their face, represent strenth and self assuredness, and that i thus must listen to every word they say, when they tell me that all that matters is sex

fuck!!

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to be influenced by this sex obsessed society, and in this believing and participating in it, creating it myself

i forgive myself for havng allowed myself to give ALL my power away to the television that is constantly sceaming out 'seek sex', because it is easier than to stand up as myself

i forgive myself for allowing myself to want to be controlled and guided by television, by desire

i forgive myself for allowing myself to want to be like the people i see on tv, to want to move in that ridiculous way that they move and be a jackass just like them, because it is easier than to stand up as me

i forgive myself for allowing myself to have BECOME the very manifested desire, as the manifested constant trying to escape from myself, wanting to be MORE than myself

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to believe that music or sound is able to 'carry me somewhere', to take me somewhere, lift me up, release me, like an orgasm

i forgive myself for allowing myself to believe that there is a 'higher place', that i can infact ever 'reach something' higher than myself, when i know that, when i experience orgasm as result of apparant 'building up of desire 'towards something', all that i ve reached is a deep feeling of regret and shame within myself, indicating that yet again have i, within my apparant unableness to stand up and take self responsability, fallen into the trap of trying to run away from myself within desire

here: the ludacrissness of 'building up desire towards an orgasm'

i forgive myself for having allowe dmyself to believe that it is possible to be 'better' or 'higher' than myself, as how thoughts make it seem, as how des-higher makes it seem.when all just happens in and as the simplicity of HERE

i forgive myself for allowing myself to try to push sex and sexuality and arousal and exitement away from myself, to not want to realise myself as one and equal with it

because of 'feeling guilty' which is just an excuse of me to keep participating in it

i forgive myself for allowing myself to want to be carried away by desire, to want to reach a higher place, and apparantly live in eternal bliss

is this even possible: 'leaving myself here behind' to get to and reach a 'higher state of being'?
because in this 'higher state of being', is also me, i am always with me, no matter where i go, no matter how blissfully perfect my world may seem

if i do not accept all of me HERE
i cannot just, leave shit of me, certain parts of me behind and ignore it

because i will always be with the truth of me: that i was unwilling to actually FACE myself, and instead ran away from myself

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to, willingly, give my power away to all of the beings around me, because i have believed myself to be weak and unable to take care of myself and take self responsability

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to have seduced and manipulated other beings into wanting to take care of me and take responsability for me, by 'acting friendly and nice' and by adapting me to their expectations so they will be pleased, which is basically selling myself as a prostitute to please other beings so they would give me money.


i forgive myself for having allowed myself to do what i do as a means of trying to escape from HERE

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to constantly think about the next moment, which is apparantly not here, think about what i would do or might do, to not actually be HERE as myself

in and as SELF movement, because i am unwilling to accept myself HERE

i forgive myself for allowing myself to give my power away to automated behaviour, where in i can apparantly lose myself for a moment, like pushing out my pimples, like bending my nails, like scratching my skin, and afterwards i ll again realise that i didnt really lose myself: i am still here and i will feel regret and shame because i have again fallen into the trap of desire to escape myself

to , for but a moment, not have to be aware of myself HERE

i forgive myself for allowing myself to believe that i am sometimes not aware of what i am doing when i am following a desire, when in fact i am aware every moment of what i allow within myself, i am completely responsible for myself in every moment

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to sink deeper and deeper in the trap of giving my power away, in the illusion that i can give away my self responsability, not realising that i have to live with me, everywhere all the time, because i am always HERE

till here and no further:
i cannot go anywhere, desire can not take me higher, it can not take me away from myself
i am always here within and as the truth of me
there is no way out, i must stand here
and i stand HERE
within and as myself as all as one as equal
i take self responsability

till here and no further:
other beings cannot save me from myself, other beings cannot 'make my existence bearable'
i cannot escape within relationships, because i am always HERE with myself, with the truth of me as who i have allowed myself to become

there is nothing that i can hold on to or desire, because it is all here
i cannot lose myself in anything
because i am one and equal with all in creation
i accept myself completely as all of creation because i live with me as me
HERE