2009 trapping self in relationships

i ve trapped myself within this desire for relationships, within the belief that i am inferior towards other beings.

the belief that this is not really my reality, but that it is the reality of other beings around me and that my expression must be good enough for them.

i believe that i cannot explore this reality as myself because other beings might push me away.

i used to make friends really easily, i d go up to the other kids and introduce myself and within no time we d be playing. i had no fear towards others when i was a kid. yet i think that i did manipulate them with my behaviour, i would be pursuasive and nice so they d like me and want to be my friends.

it s strange to just 'let go', because there is nothing, and there will be nothing, because nothing really matters. so what i m holding on to atm is my fear of the future, definitively grabbing on to that very tightly, like 'i must keep thinking about money and job' 'i must keep thinking about the future and worry about the future' because basically it s what my parents tought me.

all my expression is like a desparate holding on to the future, holding or trying to keep control over my reality, trying to keep everything together, everything controlled and under control.

fear of actual natural self expression, of 'not knowing what i m doing' because i define that as 'bad', i believe that i must have total control over everything the whole time, the whole time worrying and worrying, very exhausting, really.

trying to keep the ego together, the desire to be meaningful, the desire to be, to exist, to be noticed by others.

i have this neighbour, a youngman of my age and i ve several times knocked at his door. sometimes just to show to myself that there s nothing to fear about others, sometimes because i felt i had to 'spread the message in my reality', i think now that he actually does not want me to do that anymore. the same with the girls that live upstairs from me. so i m afraid of my expression, afraid of being pushed away, no: afraid of displeasing other beings, that is it, afraid of doing something the beings around me will not like. because i ve always put myself under others, believing that other beings are actually right and i am wrong and i must always do what others want.

so i am in constant fear of the beings around me, that my expression will not be ok for them. because: of course, because i desire a relationship with them.

so, yeah, just letting go of it all is the only option i have, i m not going to keep on existing in this fear, it is absurd, it is like a prison. where i fear my own expression, how absurd. where i fear that my expression will not please other beings (supposedly outside of myself)

i sometimes go up to someone and i just start talking (first i feel tension and i think about 'should i?/shouldnt i?') just to prove to myself that there s nothing to fear. and yet, here i still am, afraid of my own expression, afraid of not being good enough for others. i keep evolving around that one point. believing that i need the approval of others, desiring relationships, believing that i am not strong enough or not worthy enough to just express myself HERE. believing i need to be like others, i need to resemble them, i need to look like them, act like them, BE like them. believing that i need to fit in.

so therefore all my expression is is the constant search for recognition, just trying to get the 'thumbs up' from others, trying to get approval, trying to be noticed.

wanting other beings to see that i exist and to approve of my existence. it s always been like that, so how, i ask me, how, could i stand up and explore my reality as myself when i dont even exist for myself, when there is no me that explores?

it s extremely nice to see that there is no one to fear, when there is only me, and that i am the grace of God, so to speak, i am the grace, i am the here, the all there is. and there is no thing to worry about. but: do i find myself worthy enough to accept myself as the all there is?

i had a job for a while, with a guy, an electrician. i would go with him, and learn from him. i thought i had created my own alternate reality, because at a point, i sort of saw that he was my creation, and the whole moment and the whole world was my creation, i had created it for myself out of my desire for a relationship. i was like 'oh fuck' at that moment that i realised that, but then i accepted that and i felt safe because 'hey, everything is just me, it s just me', my world, my reality, and i could just be like a baby. but not entirely because there was something i was holding onto that would not let me just sink into myself completely, something that prevented me from completely trusting myself entirely to just give it all up and let go completely. i suppose it was my 'neverending' search for relationship.

no, it was something saying 'but hey, what if this is not really my reality, what if i still do need to keep thinking about other beings and what if i still do need to keep on worrying about the future'. what if i do need to keep on fearing.

so its silly, i know that fear sucks and that fear is not real and i d give it up in a heartbeat, give up this whole reality, but 'other people', the belief that there exist 'other people' around me that i supposedly need to think about, keeps me from actually practically letting go.

i wonder how long i m going to keep this up. because it is so fucking silly, really, so stupid. i mean, here is the grace of god that is me, at my doorstep and i m saying 'no wait, maybe i m not supposed to experience me as creation as who i truly am', 'maybe i should keep on fearing'.

the fear of failing, haha, nono.the fear of what 'others might think', see, if i am the grace of god, than others are aswell, because they exist in this reality as myself as the grace of god which is who i really am. the system does not exist. fear does not exist, other people do not exist, because 'i' that 'fears' does not exist, it is all within the eternal and expansive grace that is me as life as here as who i really am as just here. as the natural flow of life as who i really am.

i mean, lol, just being, how more easy can it get? just being here, as all as one as equal. lol, fear of my expression, how silly. yes, this system indeed is silly and stupid.

what am i really afraid of when i fear other beings and when i fear my own expression?: i fear the images and pictures within my mind, the judgements, the opinions, emotional reactions linked to pictures within my mind. because i see other beings only as pictures within my mind, pictures to which i react with both desire and fear. desire to be loved and accepted by those pictures and fear of being rejected by those pictures. what does that make me: indeed: a picture, a judgeable, separable, comparable picture.

i mean: why do i think about these beings around me in the first place? why do i feel like they are in any way important? if all is HERE anyways, there s no need for me to

lol, afraid of myself: that i might, out of self expression, go up to someone, and 'fail', do something i dont have under control.

so control is a big point. trying to keep my expression under control so i dont 'fail'. i really need to get over the thought that other beings mean something, that the system means something, that expectations, judgements etc means something.

need to realise that it is i, me, self, that expects, that hopes, that desires, that judges. i find all those things important and i define myself according to that shit, i am the one that s making everything so damn complex.

as if it means something if i were to go up to a being or not, if they would reject me or not. as if rejection even exists.

i have to give up my 'human nature' to practically realise that. my human nature that tells me i need other humans to exist, that tells me that i am not alone in this existence, that there are others around me that i have to think about. that i have to consider. believing that i am a 'group animal' of sorts, a really fucked up group animal because i use and abuse the others in the group for my personal gains, and apart from that i seclude myself in my own little world. lol, that s a really weird group animal i am.

i have to give up the notion of there even existing other beings at all. basically that means accepting others as who they are and within that accepting myself as who i am here.
i was just listening to bella s new song, called 'psyche' and i noticed that i have this huge desire to judge her and her song. i want to judge her lyrics, i want to separate her lyrics, her song, her expression from myself because i want MY expression to be special, so all i see in the expression of others is ego.

i am addicted to that relationship shit of judgements and opinions and saying 'how nice' to someone just to fit in, just to be liked, but actually within my thoughts forming opinions about that person and actually comparing myself within myself and thinking 'i can do that better' or 'i am better'.

i forgive myself for allowing myself to believe that i am superior to other beings expressions
i forgive myself for having allowed myself to form opinions, judgements and ideas about the expressions of other beings and then compare myself to that and then feel either superior or inferior based on how and who i believe i must be
i forgive myself for allowing myself to desire recognition for my expression and therefore only see the expression of others from that viewpoint
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to express myself in order to create relationships with other beings
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to not want to realise that when looking and seeing another, i am looking at myself
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to not want to see all as me, because i do not want to give up my desire for relationships
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to not want to give up the comparing of myself with other beings as a form to create relationships
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to fit in, to want to belong to a group of humans
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to only express myself as a means of getting other humans to accept me
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to only express myself as a means of getting others to notice me, to see me and validate my existence
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to think that others need my validation and compliments when it is me who desire the validation of others, who wants to fit in with a group
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to desire being able to compare myself to other beings
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to desire being part of a group, and desire being the same as this group,
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to create my own illusion where i give away my power to other beings by adapting my expression to them
i forgive myself for allowing myself to desire giving away my responsability to other beings and to then get recognition for an expression that is adapted to theirs
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowe dmyself to be deceived by pictures and images
by participating in the belief that my expression is what my eyes see and that i can compare that and judge it and form opinions and the belief that my expression is separate from that of others and that i can be special in my expression
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to desire my expression to be noticed
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to desire my expression to be special
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to desire from other beings that they judge my expression and that they recognise me , that they notice me, that they think i am special and have a special expression
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed special to exist within myself as my reality by separating myself from my expression and by judging it
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to desire having a superior expression
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to be addicted to the desire to be 'better than others'
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to think that if i am not better, i am less
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to participate within the picture reality where i define myself according to my outward expression, my picture presentation, and i separate myself based on that from other beings outward expression, and then i compare myself
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to desire looking like other beings
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to judge the picture presentation of the beings in my reality, and not being aware that i am actually judging myself within separation of myself as my reality
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to have looked at others expression only with my human physical eyes, thru the eyes of the mind, of separation, of comparison, of judgement, of opinions
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to only look at other beings expressions thru separation
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to desire others to see and notice my outward expression
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from my outward expression by making it different from my inward expression, by actually using my outward expression to lie about who i am on the inside, to deceive other beings about who i am, so they'd form relationships with me
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to believe that my outward expression, that which is visible to others, is the only thing that matters about me
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to only focus on how i seem and how i look and how others would see me and completely disregard myself as self expression as that which expresses from the inside out
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to be different on the inside than on the outside
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to desire recognition for my outside expression because i ve allowed myself to believe that that is all that i am, an illusion, an idea, and therefore i needed an outside source to actually keep this idea alive
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to be addicted to this desire for recognition because i truly believed that judgement is who i am, that picture presentation is who i am
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to believe that if i look like sunette and have bernards outward expression, i will be good enough
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to judge bernard and sunette s outward expression as special and then believe that i must be like them to also be meaningful in this reality
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to be deceived by my eyes
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to only use my eyes to judge and compare and separate what i see from myself
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to disregard myself as who i am on the inside as life and believe myself to only be an outward expression, something that can be judged and compared
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to disregard oneness and equality as who i am as here as self expression and only be this outward expression that constantly seeks and desires attention and recognition and that is infact completely dead, completely lifeless, incapable of communicating
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to be incapable of communicating within and as self honesty as myself as communication by only being a picture that seeks only for recognition for its words as a false and fake expression just like the picture
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to lie about myself within my words that i direct towards others by not communicating within and as communication as myself within and as self honesty within and as oneness and equality, but to only communicate within and as the desire of a false expression as picture presentation to survive
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that it is possible to be special
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to not communicate with beings from within and as myself as self expression, but from pictures, as separation, as the desire to receive recognition, the desire to be noticed and to mean something
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear actual communication within and as oneness and equality because i fear being real, being self honest, being HERE
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to fear communication
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to communicate within and as separation by judging the words i speak
i forgive myself for not allowing myself to communicate within and as sound as the pure expression of life as the life within myself as who i really am as HERE as oneness and equality
i forgive myself for allowing myself to communicate to beings from preconceived ideas and opinions and judgements based on their outward expression, their picture presentation and how i react to it
i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to be the living expression of communication as the living word as the life within myself
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to form ideas about what it means to communicate in sound and i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to separate communication in sound from myself by feeling anxiety about it
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to communicate from the desire of forming relationships
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear myself as sound
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear myself without judgements or opinions
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear not having any knowledge or information
i forgiv emyself for having accepted and allowed myself to fear actually experiencing something for myself , actually experiencing myself for the first time
i forgiv emyself for accepting and allowing myself to desire recognition for my experiences
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire someone to notice me
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that judgements keep me safe
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that thinking about other beings keeps me safe
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that thinking about bernard keeps me safe
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be in this proces because i want to be in a group
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to belong to a group of beings
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want my expression to fit into something like a group, where i can compare my expression so i can feel 'normal'
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to be normal, as in, wanting to be like other beings, wanting to be the same, like a system, something that obeys a certain standard, certain rules
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to feel as though there are others like me and i am not alone
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to mean something and therefore adapt my expression to other beings expression so they will give me their recognition
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to conform to a system where i adapted my expression to that of the beings around me
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to be programmed as the word 'conformity'
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to be programmed as the word 'rules'
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to want to conform to the beings around me so i can give away my responsability by just fitting myself into a system of alike expressions where others will accept me and care for me as long as i fit in
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire and expect recognition for following the rules, for conforming
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to not recognise myself as SELF expression as who i really am as all as one as equal
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not unconditionally express myself in each and every moment as myself within and as oneness and equality as breath as HERE, instead of trying and attempting to achieve something thru a false expression within separation of myself as my reality


till here and no further:

i do not allow myself to conform
i am one and equal with the word 'conform' and 'conformity'
i do not allow conformity to exist in my reality
i do not allow false expression to exist in my reality
i am unconditional self expression within and as my reality
i do not allow myself to expect or want or desire something from my expression
i am one and equal to all expressions in this reality
i am the natural flow of life as the life within myself as who i am here
i do not allow myself to think about my expression or to judge my expression
because i realise that i am in no way special
i do not allow myself to doubt my expression i do not allow myself to express myself as the ego as the mind as thoughts feelings and emotions as separation
i am expression within and as sound as the purity of life as the moment as the breath as the human physical body as who i really am as life as all as one as equal HERE
i do not allow myself to give away my power and responsability to others within searching for recognition
i am self recognition i am self responsability
i am self power i am SELF as all as one as equal
i am self movement as self expression as breath as natural flow of life within and as the moment here
i am self certainty and self security as i stand and walk and move me alone within and as the moment
i am alone as all one as HERE as the standing of life as who i really am
i do not allow superiority and inferiority to exist within me
i do not allow comparison to exist within me
i realise that i would only be comparing myself to myself
i am not a picture that is of the mind consciousness system that is comparable and judgeable
i am HERE i am the breath