vrijdag 6 juni 2008

2008 directness

directness
i dont seem to be able to be direct towards humans, towards their dishonest nature as system.
i m afraid of them getting mean, or no, getting angry and finding me mean: like: how does she dare say those things.
but really, i dont speak. i remain silent towards a person. but i dont know
i want to speak, or more like i feel like if i dont i kinda deny myself, in whatever way.
i fear losing them as confirming humans as relationships, i fear me falling.
me not being able to handle the thought of being completely alone in this world, forgetting the oneness and equality.
it s a big fear, i ve never been direct, i ve always been so full of fear. of everyone.
ok i fear not being right
not saying the 'right' thing, fear of saying something out of self dishonesty and then have that person react and then me seeing that o shit i was wrong.
fear of feeling like i failed.
fear of the unknown
i constantly feel like asking someone who 'knows' like bernard or desteni or someone, i expect them to tell me, 'what now?', but there s no one who can tell me. there s only me, i cant die , i created this, i wil uncreate it.
i am here
it is but the thought that frightens me, the idea of what it truly meens to be self realised, to be here, alone, as all of creation, my responsability.

ok there is a guy posted a vid response to my vids, he wants to communicate with me. and i get that feeling, that he expects these things of me, of the image he has in his mind of me, that i cant do for him...
i ve been in these situations before, someone seeing all this love in me and wanting it and wanting me to give attention to them, but i cant i am in process. i ve never known how to say that so they would see what i meen, i try to beat around the bush trying to find an easy way of 'letting them down'. so that i stay a positive image in their mind. i avoid being direct because i think i might need them and if i m direct, maybe i ll reject and loose their positive attention.

i watched myself in camera and i find myself ugly, very much so. ridiculous , that s the word
why? because i ve always wanted to look pretty, be a pretty girl.
but: i wanted to be special, get noticed, i didnt want to be just another superficial girl. i wanted boys to notice that i was special, smart, etc
so, i looked down on girls, 'pretty' girls or i thought i was better because i was smarter, i really thought that all girls were dumb as hell. that they were just a pretty face and that s it, and i wanted to prove to boys that i was more than that, that i was equally smart and cool as i found them. and i have to say, when i look at my face, i find it very masculin. i ve acted very masculin for a very long time too. very tough. but i was very afraid, of boys and girls, both. why? because they might find me ridiculous, they might see thru the act.
special
special, when i walk down the street, i walk special, or , i feel special when i walk: like the most special being on the planet and i think everybody sees me in that way, they look at me and go 'wow, she s special', if even just unconsciously...
i want ed people to notice me as special so that they would come up to me and go 'hey i noticed you and o m g you are so special, want to be friends.?...'
-->and so what s the other side of this polarity? ridiculousness
and that s how i feel
now, with my hair short, i try sometimes to find me special but when i see my image, my picture in a mirror, i just feel weird, abnormal, ridiculous. and i feel like i really dont belong around other beings, because i feel like i look too abnormal and ridiculous.
i feel like humans would rather look away when seeing me, like they dont want to be in my presence because they dont want to be afilliated with people who look ugly.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowingmsyelf to think that i am too fat
i forgive myself for accepting and allowingmyself to think that my body is badly proportioned
i forgiv eyself for accepting and alowing myself to think i look like a crossing of a man and a woman
i forgiv emyself for accepting and allwoingmsyelf to think that looking like a crossing of a man and a woman is abnormal and weird and unacceptable
i forgiv emyself for accepting and allowingmsyelf to deny the male part in me
i forgiv emyself for accepting and allwoingmyself to feel ashamed about being mistaken for a man or a boy sometimes
i forgiv emyself for accepting and allowingmsyelf to feel ashamed about speaking/writing about being mistaken for a man or boy sometimes
i forgiv emyself for accepting and allowingmyself to define myself according to femininity
therefore denying masculinity, therefore creating it even more
i forgiv emyself for accepting and allowing myself to want to be noticed by men
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want men to notice me and think i am a pretty sweet girl and feel like they need to take care of me
i forgive myself for accepting and allowingmyself to think and feel like i look no more pretty and sweet and no man is going to notice me and feel like they want to take care of me
i forgive myself for accepting and allowingmsyelf to fear men finding me ugly
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to find me ugly
i forgiv emyself for accepting and allowingmsyelf to separate myself from men by fearing their disapproval
i forgiv emyself for accepting and allowingmsyelf to disapprove of the way i look
i forgive myself fo raccepting and allowingmyself to feel ashamed of not looking like a normal girl
i forgiv emyself fo r having accepted and allowedmsyelf to not want to look like a normal girl
i forgive myself for accepting and allowingmyself to think i need people to approve of the way i look in order to survive
i forgiv emyself for accepting and allowingmyself to compare the way i look with the way other girls and women look and to find me less than them because i judge myself as less pretty
i forgiv emyself for accepting and allowingmsyelf to judge myself as less pretty than other women
i forgive myself for accepting and allowingmsyelf to believe that it is important for me to look acceptable towards others
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that others do not accept me for the way i look
i forgive myself for accepting and allowingmyself to not accept me for the way i look
i forgive myself for accepting and allowingmsyelf to not find me good enough and to want to look like others
i forgive myself for accepting and allowingmyself to define me as female andthus think that if i were to realise myself as masculinity aswell i would lose myself
i forgive myself for accepting and allwoingmsyelf to believe when i look in the mirror that because i dont look like a woman, i have lost my identity
i forgive myself for accepting and allowinsgmyself to believe i am a picture based identity
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate my fysical expression from myself by judging it and wanting it to look differently
i forgive myself for accepting and allowingmyself to see men as stronger and smarter than me and thus need their attention to feel strong and smart
i forgive myself for accepting and allowingmyself to respect men more than women
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing msyelf to judge women as less smart than men
i forgive myself for accepting and allowingmyself to judge women as less strong than men
i forgive myself for accepting and allowingmyself to think that it is ok for a man to not look pretty but not for a woman, because a woman=pretty picture and a man=strong,safety, security, protection
i forgiv emsyelf for accepting and allowingmsyelf to believe that i cannot take care of myself looking like i do
i forgiv emyself for acceptinga nd allowingmsyelf tothink that people will reject me based on the way i look, quite like my parents did
i forgiv emyself for acceptinga ndallowingmyself to feel angry towards my parents for rejecting me based on the way i look
i forgiv emyself for accepting and allowingmyself to feel rejected by my parents based on the way i look
i forgiv emyself for not accepting and allowingmyself to realise that it is me who rejected myself based on the way i look because i found me ugly and not good enough
i forgive myself for accepting and allowingmyself to feel fear and shame when i am in a place around other humans because they can see my appearance
i forgiv emyself fo raccepting and allowingmsyelf to think when i am in a public place that people find the way i look disgusting
i forgiv emyself for accepting and allwoingmyself to judge the way i look as disgusting
i forgiv emyself for accepting and allowing myself to feel shame when talking to a human being because i think that they are judging my appearance very negatively
i forgiv emyself for accepting and allowingmyself to judge other humans as normal and me as abnormal because of our appearances
i forgiv emyself for accepting and allowing myself to be influenced by my own judgements as who i ve allowed myself to become, judgement that i placed on others that i place on myself aswell thru the eyes of others as a projection of myself in separation of me as who i ve allowed myself to become
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to pay heed to the remarks other humans, especially my family, make about my appearance
i forgiv emyself for acceptinga nd alllowing myself to fear not obeying them because i fear losing them and being alone
i forgiv emyself for accepting andallowingmyself to not realise myself as all as one as equal as not defined and not definable by systems as what and who humans as me have allowed themselves to become
i forgiv emyself for not accepting and allowingmsyelf to realise that i am no image i am no definition or judgement or appearance, nor are other humans
i forgiv meyself for not accepting and allowingmyself to ever consider the possibility that i am not this judgement over the pictures in this world
i forgiv emyself for not accepting and alowingmyself to realise that fearing judgement over appearance is utter separation, me separating me from myself by believing that because i see separate pictures, i am separate from these humans
i forgiv emyself for having accepted and allowed to 'blindly' believe that i am the judgement and the definition that i placed over the pictures
i forgiv emyself for having accepted and allowed myself to become dependant on the separation, on the illusion of pictures by believing that i must search for security and stability and acceptance out there in the picture world which is seemably separate from myself

till here and no further:
i am no picture
i am no illusion
i realise that i have for too long allowed myself to place my trust and responsability in the picture world which is illusion
i realise i am not this picture
but i am one and equal to my human fysical body
i am not dependant on the judgement of others over my appearance because i realise that the only one judging me is me as others in me as all as one as equal
i am not dependant on men to support me and provide me with safety by noticing me and approving of me
i am both masculinity and femininity amalgamated as one within myself
i do not fear men
i do not need men
i do not need anything separate from myself to be myself
i do not need anything or anyone separate from myself to survive in this world because i realise that i dont need to survive, i live, i cannot die
i realise that the judgement of my parents about my appearance cannot influence me because it is something that i have allowed within myself as separation as the system as who i ve allowed myself to become
i am not this picture, survival fear judgement separation based system
i have no fear
i am no fear
because i realise
i am here

1 opmerking:

Kristi zei

I've got this "want to be special" thing as well. During act I feel great, but after that I feel uneasy, fake, confused and dissapointed in myself.