2008 perfectionism

i want everything i do to seem and look 'perfect', if that even exists-->it doesnt its a mind job, an invention
like, before writing words, i think about what i will or might write, or i look for something in myself that i can put into words, because i fear just writing and the words might be gibberish.
they might not really say anything, and it will 'get me' nowhere, so i fear 'waisting my time' on something, what ever it is. with the ouiji bord it s the same, i ll sit down in front of it, but with fear of starting or asking a question, because it might 'fail'. it might not live up to my expectancies-->which i got thru comparing myself with other humans, with what they do. like with maite: she had entire conversations posted. so i feel like i have to be able to do that too, to prove to myself that i am 'equally good' as maite, because i can do something that she can aswell.
damn. i ve been allowing myself to be like that my whole life. always looking at others, seeing how they do something and then only doing it myself. my mom says that my brother was the opposite, he jumped right in, didnt care about what would happen. i waited, looked at how it went with others, tryed to see what i had to do to do it 'right' and then did it, when i knew i could do it perfectly. i hold myself back in a lot of things, like making music etc, because it s near impossible to be able to play an instrument perfectly from the first moment. so i think 'why bother', if it s not going to be perfect, if i cant impress others with it.
i learn with my eyes, looking at others, i keep looking and 'absorb it' with my eyes, so i can do the same. when i was little, i used to do the same as the actors and actresses on tv, i would act the scenes out that i saw on tv in my room. i would repeat a sentence or a word that i had heard over and over again till i got it perfect. my mom cought me doing that in front of the mirror in the bathroom once, and she started laughing and she repeated what i was repeating to myself and i felt really embarassed.

like i have an image to uphold. expectancies. being perfect.trying to avoid any sort of negative judgement from anyone. being absolutely perfect, for everyone. that s really difficult, because everyone have different views and things they disapprove of etc.

because i can be very annoyed with a persons expression, like think it s really dumb. and then hate that person for their expression. when i was younger, i had friends, we hated children. go figure, we hated them for their 'stupid' and 'dumb' expressions. for their 'free' expressions, we judged them as dumb and stupid. we resented most everything and made fun of others, we thought we were 'better'. we were more 'serious' and 'in control'. annoyment seemed to be a good protector of getting those judgements from others , like 'stupid' and 'dumb'. but i was afraid actually of children, i was afraid of their honesty, of what they might say about me. what they might see in me, s a shame about my own self expression, shame about my own freedom such as sexuality or self expression like singing. we sung a lot, but it was always compared with how whitney houston and celine dion sing. i was really afraid of them laughing at me, so i always wanted to prove myself as being perfect. like i constantly do.

with everything, i cant just let go, cause i feel like i got something to prove, because i want people to say: hey wauw kim....
i want them to go wauw, so i m afraid of doing something i ve already done or talk about something i ve already talked about, because they might think 'there she is again, we already know about this'. so i m trying to impress others. trying to get their attention. trying to seem self honest, trying to seem like i m 'going fast in process', all about how things appear to be. and when i do something that people say 'wauw' , i think i have to keep them saying 'wauw', i have to keep them impressed, i have to keep that image 'high' in their minds of me, i cant disappoint them about me, cant let them think 'oh i guess she isn t that great after all'. like i judge others as 'high' or 'low', with things that make me go 'wauw'. and then i think they are better than me and i try to impress them so they can think that i am better than them. and then i read or see something of that person that doesnt fit that 'perfect image' profile i ve made of them in my mind and i feel releaved because now 'they werent so perfect after all'. i guess i was better than them all along.

so seriously, everything i do, is to impress others. is to prove myself. so i feel like i have to fit some kind of profile. because i want to be better than everyone around me. that s how i as the system as who i ve allowed myself to become, have set myself up. i d say it comes from my dad, comparing me with others, saying me i have to be more like them. so i think i have to be able to do what others do and be who others are. but only the ones who get positive attention from others. the ones that are looked up to, the ones that are respected and accepted by the 'group'.

so i have a tendency of deviding people in groups like in a class group: like the populars, who are the smartest etc, they are apparantly the best. they are the ones i look up to and want to be liked by want to be like. so they are the ones i compare myself with all the time. so i can get the same kind of attention from others as they have. but i dont realise that i m the only one giving them that kind of attention in the first place.
like my self expression is too boring, too repetative. not perfect enough. so i create these perfect images of others in my mind, like they are flawless beings. beings to look up to. because i want to be flawless.
so again i am the only one creating those images of them as flawless because all of the other people agree with them and accept them. so i try to force myself into trying to be like them so i will be accepted.

in school: the popular kids were flawless, perfect. what they said was the truth, everybody listened. i did too. when they said about someone else that he or she was also cool, i also thought that. when they said about someone that he or she was stupid, i also followed. that way i 'lost' my best friend, because one of the popular kids told me that he was stupid, actually i lost my two first best friends that way, because apparantly they werent good enough to be accepted by the 'populars' , so i decided to dump them, so i could focus on myself being good enough to be accepted. so i denied 'who i was' and what i wanted or what i liked, to be liked and likeable.
so instead of being good enough for me, i wanted to be good enough for others. because i thought i needed those people, because i didnt want to be laughed at like the apparant stupid kids were.
i was constantly on my guard about possibly someone disliking me and then trying to fix that.

constantly trying to keep everybody 'happy' about me...like homebasing myself. because i wouldnt be able to handle it if somebody found me stupid or mean. the populars might find me stupid, and the others might find me mean for dumping them.
i always needed a 'net' to fall back in. 'friends'.
i always felt like truly others are better than me, i must follow their exsample and i must impress them so they will notice me and take me into their circle of trust. so i can feel trusted.
and trustworthy. like they are really perfect.
and in my quest for also trying to be perfect like the images i hold in my mind of others, i denied my self expression , i denied a lot about myself by trying to uphold this image that apparantly i am. perfect image. image....
perfect behaviour, perfect speech. pretending to be pure and innocent and very much 'in control' of myself . while really what was going on inside myself, was constant worrying if i am alright for others, if they are accepting me or not, if i m being good enough. wanting others to see me as perfect like i see them. flawless. to accept me like i see they are being accepted. but not accepting myself so ofcourse i never feel accepted. i always feel not good enough and unaccepted. i always feel stupid and mean. i give others the power to make or break me. that s why i find others often quite mean because they re not playing along with this perfect image i try to portray.

it s why i see myself as a passive and not directive or assertive person. because being direct meens voicing myself, as who i am. not caring about what other people think. and with this constant trying to be 'perfect', an image like the ones in my mind, it s impossible to voice myself because it might not be accepted. so still holding on to others accepting me. but is this even possible? how can others accept me? ...by not finding and judging me as mean..or stupid..
i m constantly afraid of saying something that they wont 'accept', that they wont like. that they ll judge as mean, so i constantly have the feeling that what i say is really mean..or stupid..
so i barely say anything and i m afraid to ask questions because they might think i m stupid and ignorant.

i forgive myself for allowing myself to want to be found perfect by others
i forgive myself for allowingmyself to look at others and find and judge them as perfect
i forgiv emyself for allowingmsyelf to think i have to be like others, walk talk and act like them so i can be perfect
i forgive myself for allowingmsyelf to fear not being accepted by other people because of something i say or do
i forgive myself forallowingmsyelf to think that the people around me are more accepted and acceptable than me, so if i want to be accepted i have to be like them
i forgive myself fora llowingmsyelf to believe that my self expression is not good enough
i forgive myself forallowingmsyelf to fear my self expression being found stupid or ignorant
i forgive myself forallowing myself to think and believe that others know better than me
i forgive myself for allowingmsyelf to believe that i must listen to others to know about things, to do the right things and say the right things
i forgive myself for allowingmsyelf to believe that the right thing exists
i forgive myself forallowingmsyelf to think i have to hold to a code of living so i can be accepted
i forgivme yself forallowingmsyelf to think that others make the code and i have to follow the code
i forgive myself forallowingmyself to fear taking responsability for me as me therefore following others because i believe that who i am doesn t know what to do or who to be
i forgiv emyself for allowingmseylf to believe that others are better than me
i forgive myself forallowingmyself to believe that others are an exsample of how and who i have to be
i forgivem yself for having allowed myself to believe that my opinions or the way i see things is worthless and wont be accepted or comprehended
i forgivm eyslef for allowingmsyelf to fear standing up as me around people because they might not agree with me
i forgivem yself forallowingmsyelf to believe that to be a good person, others have to agree with me
i forgive myself for allowingmsyelf to believe that others know things better than me
i forgive myself forallowingmsyelf to place my trust in others to tell me what is right
i forgive myself for allowingmsyelf to believe that i am stupid and i dont know what is right or good
i forgive myself forallowingmsyelf to believe that right and good exist
i forgive myself forallowing myself to fear trusting myself because i think i dont know who i am without others telling me who i am
i forgivm eyself for allowingmyself to think i am who others tell me i am
i forgive myself for allowingmyself to believe that when someone calls me stupid , i am stupid
i forgive myself for allowingmsyelf to believe that when someone calls me smart, i am smart
i forgiv emyself forallowingmsyelf to believe that when someone calls me slow, i am slow
i forgive myself for allowingmyself to think i have to live up to expectations of others
i forgive myself for not allowingmsyelf to realise that i am the one making expectations of myself by thinking i have to be like others to be ok
i forgive myself for allowingmsyelf to rather want to be found ok by others than by myself
i forgiv emyself for allowingmyself to make and create pictures and images of other people around me based on the construct i ve allowed myself to become of thinking that others know better, and then truly believing that those humans are that perfect image i create of them in my mind
i forgiv emyself for allowingmyself to also want to be a perfect image like the ones i hold of otherpeople around me in my mind thru comparing me with them in trying to be like them
i forgiv emyself for allowingmyself to think that others hold the key to life
i forgive myself forallowingmsyelf to believe that others know more than i do
i forgive myself for allowingmsyelf to think i am less than the people around me therefore i have tolook up to them and do as they do
i forgive myself for allowingmyself to fear directing myself because it might not be appreciated and accepted by others
i forgive myself for having allowed myself to truly believe that other humans have all the answers therefore listening to them and doing as they do
i forgive myself fo r having allowed myself to believe that the world and life and humans are really what other people say they are
i forgive myself for allowing myself to really believe that i have no self directive abilities
i forgiv myself for allowingmsyelf to truly believe that what i know or what i can do is not good enough
i forgive myself for allowingmsyelf to respect others more than i respect myself
i forgiv emyself forallowingmyself to place my self worth in the hands of others
who can then make or break me with the words they speak towards me
i forgiv emyself for allowingmyself to want others to see me as perfect so i dont have to take responsability for my actions
i forgiv emyself for allowingmyself to be ok with everything that other people do or say because i want to show them that i am perfect and i cannot be critisized
i forgive myself for allowingmyself to fear critique from people because i define myself so much according to what and who people around me say i am or think i am
i forgive myself fo rallowingmyself to constantly want to please people so they may find me acceptable
i forgiv emyself for allowiing msyelf to believe i need other humans to accept me and the things i do and say
i forgivem yeslf for allowingmyself to see others as kings and queens that i must respect and bow before
i forgive myself for allowingmsyelf to truly believe that these humans around me have it figured out
i forgive mlyself for allowingmsyelf to fear the people around me becoming annoyed or angry at what i do
i forgive myself for allowingmsyelf to believe that the anger or annoyement of others over what i do is right and what i did that made them angry is wrong
i forgive myself fo rallowing myself to respect adults
i forgive myself fo rallowing myself to believe my judgement over others as more self assured, more certain more directive, and truly believe that they are more and better than me
i forgiv emyself forallowingmsyelf to fear others around me who i judge as more direct, more self assured, more certain
i forgive myself fo rallowing myself to fear those people not accepting me or finding me good enough
i forgive myself forallowingmsyelf to listen to the assertiveness and directive ness of others instead of my own
i forgive myself forallowingmsyelf to believe that i need to be directed by others because i dont know my place
i forgive myself for allowingmyself to not realise that systems dont know who they are therefore they dont know what they are doing so there is no point in listening to what they say because they are only talking to themselves as the system as who they ve allowed themselves to become
i forgive myself for allowingmsyelf to deny feelings such as anger and frustration in myself because i think they wont be accepted and therefore fearing the anger of others and wanting them to accept me
i forgiv emyself fo rallowing myself to believe that anger and frustration are bigger than me
i forgiv emyself fo rallowingmsyelf to constantly watch my language and what i say around others because they might become offended
i forgive myself for allowing myself to be easily offended when someone tells me something or gives me critique
i forgive myself for allowing myself to feel like a bad person when someone says that i havent done something right
i forgiv emyself forallowingmsyelf to constantly try to please people with what i do and therefore easily think that i am wrong
i forgiv emyself for allowing myself to believe in right and wrong
i forgive myself forallowing myself to believe that perfect expression exists
i forgive myself forallowing myself to cover up my self honesty because i judge it as not good enough
i forgive mysel for allowing myself to cover up my emotions and feelings because i judge them as not good enough
i forgive myself for allowing myself to expect others to like me insteadof me liking me
i forgiv emyself forallowing msyelf to constantly judge others on their emotions that they display
i forgive myelf forallowingmyself to judge emotions and feelings as less than me therefore judge people who get angry or annoyed as less than me because i think i dont have those emotions
i forgive myself for allowingmyself to fear becoming angry because other people might see me as not perfect
i forgive myself for allowingmsyelf to stop any emotions and feelings i might have and cover them up with portraying an image of myself towards others that i think they might accept and approve of

i forgive myself forallowingmyself to adjust my behaviour to the behaviour of the people around me so they will accept me
i forgiv emyself for having allowed myself to listen to my dad when he told me to be more like others otherwise i wont be accepted
i forgiv emyself for having allowed myself to listen to my family when they said that all that matters is that other people accept you
i forgive myself for allowing myself to look at other humans behaviour and then copy that so i ll behave in a 'good manner'
i forgive myself forallowing myself to judge others based on how they behave and therefore feel constantly judged over my behaviour
i forgive myself for allowing myself to constanly judge others on how they act and try to be better than them in the way that i act
i forgiv emyself for allowing myself to try to be better than others in my behaviour as compensation for feeling less than them thru comparison
i forgiv emyself forallowingmyself to constantly compare myself with others thinking i have to be like them thus constantly placing myself under less than them as me
i forgiv emyself forallowingmyself to compensate for that feeling less than them by trying to behave like them only better so they will accept my behaviour
i forgiv emyelf for allowingmsyelf to judge others as stupid and dumb based on their behaviour
i forgiv meyself forallowingmsyelf to fear being judged that way so therefore deny myself by acting in a way of which i think it will be judged as perfect and good
i forgive myself for allowingmyself to judge others based on their behaviour as less than me based on my behaviour
i forgiv emyself forallowing myself to judge others who behave according to the way they feel as less than me because i want to seem as if i am perfect in my behaviour as if i have no feelings or emotions
i forgiv emyself for having allowed myself to become a picture that is judgable
i forgiv emyself for having allowed myself to define humans according to the way they act and move and behave and according to what they do by com paring them to what i do and then judging what i do as better
i forgive myself for allowingmsyelf to judge my behaviour as the best behaviour
i forgive myelf for allowingmyself to believe that i am the most righteous person of all because i behave in a controlled and well fit manner
i forgiv emyself fo rallowing myself to give away my power to others by wanting and needing them to see me as perfect as the perfect image i try to portray of myself
i forgive myself for having allowed myself to fear others to judge the way i behave as stupid and dumb
i forgive myself for having allowed myself to separate humans from me based on the way they act and look
i forgive myself for having allowed myself to want to have the best act and look
i forgive myself for having allowed myself to live in perpetual fear of others not finding me to have the best act and look, to fear others not accepting my act and look
i forgiv emyself for not allowing myself to realise that i am the only one not accepting my behaviour and my look by not accepting that of others by finding the behaviour and the look of others not good enough and stupid and dumb and less
i forgiv emyself forallowing myself to limit myself as self expression as self movement byconstantly worrying if i am behaving alright for the humans around me, am i behaving in an acceptable and accepted manner..
i forgive myself for allowingmyself to limit myself as others in self expression by constantly judging them on their behaviour and how it compares to mine
i forgiv emyself for allowingmsyelf to believe that all humans must be the same and act the same
i forgi vemyself fo rallowingmyself to fear being seen as deviant, not normal, weird
i forgive myself fo rallowingmyself to fear displaying behaviour that will get me kicked out of the group, or rejected by others because it is judged as abnormal or weird or deviant
i forgive myself for not allowingmsyelf to realise that i am the only one judging others as myself based on behaviour as deviant, or not normal, or not acceptable or weird

till here and no further:
i am not my behaviour
behaviour does not exist
abnormal or normal doesnot exist
i am not normal
i am not abnormal
others are not normal
others are not abnormal
i am self movement as all as one as equal
i am no image that is comparable, i am no behaviour that is comparable
i realise that perfection does not exist, i realise that i cannot be better than another because i cannot be or even be like another
i can only be me
i realise that it is absurd to want to be like another
i realise that another cannot possibly accept or approve of me, only i can
only me as all as one as equal
there is only me
i will no longer separate others from me based on the way we behave
i will no longer define me as others based on the way we behave or look
i am self acceptance as life within myself as all as one as equal
i am here
i am breath
i will no longer suppress
i will no longer fear emotions and feelings because i no longer deny or avoid
i am not fear
i am not emotions
i am not feelings
i am not influencable by them so i need not deny them

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