zondag 18 januari 2009

2009 fitting in

it is almost unbelievable for me that i dont have to 'fit in' that i dont have to belong to any group, that my expression does not have to look like the expression of others.

i ve for so long, since childhood, desperately been attempting to fit in, to be like the others, i ve felt really alone, left out, i felt like i did not belong, like i was 'wrong'. i really believed that that is the way it is supposed to be, i HAVE to look like others, i HAVE to be like others.i never considered self expression, who i am, my actual beingness. the actuality of being and existing HERE, which is so simply HERE.

it seems deeply ingrained, the feeling of being inferior to others, and having to fit in. i copied that from my father and grandfather, the desire to be normal and have lots of friends and be accepted by others. the beliefsystem of being a system, of being something that HAS to look like other beings, other humans. and the fear of not looking like the rest, the big fear of not expressing myself like the rest.

so, i have always only ever compared myself to others, that s all i ever did, because i so feared being 'abnormal', 'not fitting in'. when i walk thru town, with all the people there, i m constantly trying to see what their opinion of me is, do they find me normal or abnormal. and i have a lot of times felt really alone and rejected and left out because of my own ideas and definitions about myself as supposedly weird and not normal.

which, i suppose, i created, because i wanted to be unique on the other end. yet at the same time i wanted to be the same as every one else. how impossible my existence was.

i really like the smell of my sweaty armpits. i wonder why? or like the sweat between my but cheeks, lol, it s not civilized to speak about this, but it is the truth.

i suppose because it is the actual real nature of sexuality, it is the smell of my desire for relationships. it is the basis of my being, the thing i am obsessed with: sex and relationships. because sex is actually just sweat and organs/limbs brushing against each other. that is what sex really is, all the rest, like desire, and romance and love, that is bullshit, or sex as building up towards something, how absurd.
i thought that this proces was also me building up towards something, but it was the other way around, i just had to drop the shit. i could have done that from the very beginning as it is so easy and simplistic. it is just stopping everything, stopping every feeling of 'i have to' or 'i must', dropping every fear and with that every desire, dropping the entire 'human nature', all of the supposed 'rules'.
i guess that everything in this world has become like sex: the attempt to built 'up' towards something, which is called 'evolution'.the attempt to reach something somewhere in the future, in the nearby or distant future. the search for a feeling, an experience, like an orgasm.

within my expression i always feel like there are things i must do, like 'i have to write this or that', i have to do it this way or that way, i have to eat a cookie now, i have to go to the cinema in two hours with my mother, because it was planned and now i am thinking about it, so it has become a desire, a 'have to'. and not just a self expression, self expression is basically has nothing to do with what i am doing or how it looks or how it could be described, like: 'i am now typing a text on blogger and i am going to publish it, i know others can read it and i am typing about what i experience in my process and maybe others can relate to it'. that is a description of what i am doing and is not real, what is real is me breathing, hitting the keys of the keyboard with my fingers. that is the only thing that is really real, pretty simplistic, yet, but it is so. and that is what self expression is, that is who i am, that is the only thing that is not defineable, that is not opinion-based, that can not be argued with or discussed, because it simply IS.

and from the moment that i try to form an opinion or definition or description of what i just did, of my expression in the previous moment, i am lost again within my desire of trying to create something of myself that is not real, a ghost, an illustion.

so, all i can trust, is my body, my breath, my presence as HERE, that is all. i can try to write this text for others to understand, but that is an idea of mine, i have actually no idea if what i write is understandable at all. i might be blabbering crazy talk, as i am in my mind, i would not be able to actually know if i am sane or insane, i try to compare myself to others in an attempt to determine wether i am sane or insane or normal or abnormal. but, really, the only way of actually knowing for certain that i am not 'insane', that i am not lost in an illusionairy world, is if i am completely HERE, within and as my human physical body, constant, breathing, aware of every moment of breath, aware of the sensations of my body that is me HERE. all the rest, what i am typing, it is not real because i cannot tell for certain that my words are infact 'sane' or 'insane'. so, that does not matter.

so, that is not self expression, the words i write and how they can be read, it is the very act of typing, or the very act of speaking, or the very act of reading, that is self expression.

and in that, no one being can be special, how can you be jealous of a beingness, jealousy is when you only focus on what the result of a beings expression was, as something you can see with your human physical eyes. which is actually your own opinions and judgemenst that you place on this that you see with your own eyes.
yet you dont consider the beingness, and that would imply that you dont consider your own beingness, that your own expression is also only to make other beings jealous, to show off.

that is why animals are so underestimated, because we dont see them building up empires, we dont see them building shit up, like we do, we dont actually see animals do anything at all. so to us, they are like 'dead' inside, because we only focus on the outside. we, humans, have become the 'outside' and disregard what is real, which is the inside, which cannot be seen. a being to us is alive, when we SEE it doing shit. when it produces something. that s why only adults are respected in this world, because they produce, they have become outside presentations, they ve become fully outside. children are still inside, they are no use to the 'outsiders'.

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