donderdag 5 juni 2008

2008 religion

3) Religion
spirit duality purple goa hippies lsd mushrooms weed, light geometry
anton, morphine, jasper, festivals, concerts, anton, anton, anton: my spirituality evolved around one person. without him,...
let s not go there, there is no without him, i am this system, i ve allowed myself to become this system
ok anton
still when i ride past his house there might be the possibility that he might see me. when i ride past his house, is the only moment i still get really movement inside. the past haunting me
to me: he is spirituality, light, warrior, carlos castaneda. i was going to be a warior. a strong person, going to mexico and find a teacher perhaps even.
do peyote and ayahuasca. but i was never really strong: i had a lot of shame inside, i acted tough, i acted strong. but the slightest look of someone that might indicate that that person was laughing at me was enough to break out and loose the shame inside. shame because i was inside such a huge construct, such a big facade, that is very feable
anyways i never cared about christianity or church, perhaps i d go to be in the 'sacred place' to find 'inner peace'. but nothing but bad experiences with priests: boring. as a kid forced to go to church by school and society constructs like catecheses and baptism etc but my parents never went so really church wasn t such a serious thing for me. god, jesus, the holy ghost were just terms, that i used in the prayer before school started in class....amen blabla bla. memorising
i wanted to be perfect in the memorising of the prayers, because i saw that as some thing i was 'good at' yet another thing, perfect in everything. maybe the teacher will see that i do my prayer perfectly and she will think positively about me.

4) Education
i wanted to be noticed by teachers but i didnt want to study. i always hoped that they would like me for my style. and sometimes when i would get 'best grades of the class', which was not often, i would feel like the absolute greatest. we had this contest every time we did calculations: 100 exercises , as a race, the first ones to be done could do games. i really took that seriously: competition, going as fast as i could, but i was never really the fastest.
i did human science, which was not so evident since i am one to take the safe roads and the normal roads and human science was something my friends didnt do, it was my choice. but actually because it was a broad term 'human science', because i didn t want to do math or language or latin and human science was still aso which is 'above' technical education, so i was still in the 'good group'. the best where 8 h math, and latin and greek, they were the smartest. the special ones where the art group, i thought they were the coolest. although i thought human science was pretty special too. 'the teachers say that this class is the worst class'....i think every class gets to hear that. we always felt proud when we heard that, the teachers notice us, yay.
i wanted teachers to notice me but at the same time i felt like they might think i m weird and stupid. my music teacher was the coolest, i thought and maybe he will notice me as cool too.
i wanted to be with the popular kids in elementary school and in high school i was with special people, my 'special friends', the other ones called us 'the alternatives', we kind of where in the middle of the class on one hand the 'nerds' and on the other ' the cool ones' we saw ourselves as the best of course, being like the middle person, balancing everything, keeping all as friends, getting allong with everything. much like i am, i would gossip with the 'cool ones' about 'the nerds' but then with the nerds i d act all friendly because i wanted everyone to like me. the middle person. the 'right' one. ....and so where my friends
but we were extremely judgemental, even towards each other: really mean
i felt put down a lot. i still feel anger towards them because they would point out things about me: about my appearance or that i am slow or what ever.... and worse was that when i would get upset about it they would just laugh it away, so i d feel ridiculous about myself. but when i did the same with them they d get angry and then i d feel guilty

5) Facing adulthood
when my breasts started growing, i wore big sweaters to dig my arms in, so i d feel protected.
my brother kicked my in my right breast once and it is up to this day smaller than the left one
i had sex once with a stuffed animal of mine, the first time i felt uncontrollably aroused. i had before that seen erotic movies on tv when my parents where asleep or out of the house, i would tape them and see them over and over again, especially the parts where i would react heavily towards, like the expression on a face or a sound, a sigh or the image of the man penetrating the woman.
i liked to see rapes and such and my sexual fantasies were of domination: a very strong man almost raping a woman. i had this boy in my class when i was 13 and for a long time my fantasies were about him and his family. i would imagine myself having sex with the entire family, all separate, secretive. why him? i didnt really like him, but he gave me attention: he kind of bullied me, made remarks with his friends and stuff. so because i didn t really like him i kinda gave myself authorisation to imagine myself with him in that way.
i still feel arousal thinking about the times i actually had a boy touching me. he became the sole pillar on which my entire mind construct was being built upon.
once in school, one of my teachers asked me if i had my period yet, i barely knew what it was at the time. they thought that because i was tall, i looked older than girls my age.
the first times i had my period it was in public places in a group like on camp and i had no provisions or anything. a lot of shame there.
shame about sexuality, that s what i learned from my past. sexuality was suppressed with me, it was dangerous. everything had to seem innocent and pure.
i always had a lot of trouble speaking openly about my feelings emotions or how i experienced myself, i avoided speaking with sexual terms, words that refer to sex or sexuality.
i felt shame when i spoke those words, like i would be unpure, others would see i was unpure if i would speak those words.

when i was in love with a boy, i would definately not let him know. i would act tough, try to be friends with him, maybe he ll fall in love with me. but i made that impossible, i was so insecure i would fight emotional moments or sweet moments off with a tough attitude and distance, and hate myself for it afterwards. i would get scared when someone approached me, i liked the attention, but i didnt want to be open or sweet....
i didnt want to loose my 'cool', my ego. maybe if i be sweet, they ll see i m weak and vulnerable and take advantage of that or leave me and i ll be hurt.

6) Illness

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