2008 chat and self forgiveness

on the chat
i dont speak
and seeing others speak amongst each other, makes me wonder
why cant i speak, why dont i speak
i dont seem to understand, am i being pathetic
acting silent so people would notice me first
rather observing
waiting, trying not to speak as reaction rather self expression
but i go comparing my waiting with andrea or jack or people who are 'more self realised' than me and i think hmmm they speak more they joke around. why dont i
what is it that i cant seem to have fun or ...
i guess i still see fun as something to be experienced in a group of people

bernard was on chat, but i missed him
i noticed later, he said something towards me he said that my writing seems to be assisting me bigtime
and i felt warm when i noticed that bernard gave me notice.
then i experienced something weird in me as me, like him in me. but it wasnt me, it felt kinda uncomfortable, so it must be my mind. but it was so real.
i thought maybe it s bernard standing in me as me. ...but why?
why would i need that?
maybe just me saying i separate bernard from me by thinking i need him
not trusting me
and now i feel good about what i write, because bernard gave me confirmation so i m writing from a feeling .

i forgiv emyself for acceptin gand allwoingmsyelf to make a mental picture in my mind of bernard based on what i ve read about him, as spoken by hitler or winged or other dim beings
i forgiv emyself for acceptin gand allwoingmsyelf to separate myself from bernard by wanting attention from him
i forgiv meyself for accepting and allowingmyself to see bernard as the leader
i forgiv emyself foraccepting and allowingmyself to think that a group needs a leader
i forgive myself for accepting and allowingmsyelf to see desteni as a group and bernard as the leader
i forgiv meyself for accepting and allwoingmsyelf to think bernard is better than me and i should try to please him or be like him
i forgiv emyself for accepting and allowignmsyelf to like it when i see that bernard gives me a compliment or says my name
i forgive myself fo raccepting and allowingmyself to see bernard as better than everyone else
i forgi vemyself for accepting and allowingmsyelf to want bernard to see me while i go in my life so i may feel approved of constantly
i forgiv emyself for accepting and allowingmyself to want to follow bernards lead and placing my self responsability in his hands
i forgiv emyself for acceptin gand allowingmsyelf to think that a being standing in and as me can be experienced as unpleasant or intrusive unless i allow myself to experience myself in that way
i forgiv myself for not accpetin g and alowingmyself to realise that only the mind consciousness system can be intruded and influenced
i am life and can not be influenced because i am stable

speaking of which
i m feeling weird now
i am here
and there s stuff happening around me
tv is on mom infront of it cat is miauwing and licking his paw
me typing
but it s as if understanding is gone, or i m being influenced by something i m not aware of
am i in my mind
i feel kind of fear....
i m imagening myself this what i write being judged thru eyes of desteni forum members...
as an escape to not have to realise myself here fully
because of fear of the unknown
i d rather feel good about myself , within the approving eyes of the image of bernard and desteni forum members i have in my mind
judging ,yes
who am i
here?
i am one and equal to bernard
i am one and equal...
i feel some kind of weird exitement in my genital area and my throat, unclarity
'of mind'


i forgiv meyself for accepting and allowingmyself to define myself according to what i am doing right now
i forgi vmeyself for accepting and allowingmyself to define myself according to what bernard said to me
i forgiv myself fo racceptin gand allowingmsyelf to define myself according to the reaction i experienced towards what bernard said
i forgiv eyself fo raccepting and allowingmyself to feel exitement towards bernard
i forgi veyself fo raccepting and allowingmyself to feel arousal towards bernard
i forgiv emyself fo raccepting and allowingmyself to be influenced by bodily sensations
i forgi vmeyself for accepting and allowingmyself to think i m going really fast in process
i forgiv meyself for accepting and allowingmsyelf to like to think i m going really fast in process
i forgiv meyself for accepting and allowisngmyself to feel better than everyone by thinking i am faster and more insight ful than them, which is reinforced by what bernard said
i forgive myself fo raccepting and allowing myself to want to go fast in process so i can feel special
i forgive myself fo racceptin gand allowingmsyelf to think i dont know who i am anymore
i forgive myself for accepting and allowingmyself to fear my surroundings
i forgi vmeyself fo raccepting and allowingmyself to define myself according to what my human fysical eyes see
i forgiv emyself for accepting and allowing msyelf to want bernard to read this and again 'think that my writing is assisting me very well
i forgive myself for accepting and alllwoingmsyelf to want bernard to notice me
i forgiv meyelf for accepting and allwoingmsyelf to want others to think about me
i forgiv emyself for accepting and allwoingmyelf to place myself outside of myself by trusting what my eyes see
i forgi vmyself fo r accepting and allwoingmsyelf to feel confused about what my eyes see
i forgiv eyself for accepting and allowingmsyelf to feel separated from what my eyes see
i forgi vemyself fo r not accepting and allowing me to realise that i am not here, i am hiding in my mind consciousness system because i fear something , because i dont want to realise something about me
that s why i keep thinking about what i m writing , thinking about bernard
because i fear self realisation, i fear realising i am alone and bernard is just a picture in my mind
that my system as who i ve allowed myself to become needs to sustain itself, confirmation, a pillar to build on
a link to the world of systems

i forgive msyelf for allowingmyself to fear realising myself
i forgiv emyself for allowingmsyelf to fear realising myself as alone
all one
i forgi veyself fo rallowing myself to fear the image i ve created in my mind of what it meens to realise myself
i forgive myself for not allowingmyself to realising that who i am as self realisation has nothing to do with fear or an image, nor with others as comparison as images as the mind as who i ve allowed myself to become
i am not fear
i am here
within this moment
as the living word as life within myself
i am no thought i am no emotion i am nofeeling