2009 relationships

relationships.

recognition
self expression

i feel very limited in my expression because i m looking for someone outside of me, something outside of me.
i expect something from self expression, from my reality, from myself. i do not let myself just be here. i expect to receive recognition, i expect to feel exited. i expect to mean something, i expect a lot.

at the moment i am searching for a job and need money to pay my studio. it seems difficult to be HERE because of the idea that i have that i need a job and money first so i can feel ok to express myself. but at the same time i realise that there is nothing outside of this moment, there is nothing outside of HERE.

i suppress my expression around other people because of desire for relationships with other beings. i actually fear expressing myself in and as the moment, i make images of the future, of how my expression might look, of what my expression might be in the future, towards other beings.

i hoped that being HERE would mean some profound experience, 'and suddenly i will be free and freed', but i have too many expectations inside of me about HERE, about the future. i realise that i am looking for something outside of myself, within relations with other beings that does not exist and that i will never get, because i am searching for exitement that i experienced within relationships in the past.

i fear my own expression and i am limiting myself within projections of my supposed expression in the future, out of fear of 'failing', fear of change, fear of being rejected by other beings.

i am not accepting me as all as one as equal HERE by fearing other beings, by desiring to exist and survive as the ego. because of the desire for a job and money as 'security' and 'certainty', i fear other beings. i fear taking care of myself, no more manipulating other beings so they will give me what i want.

i fear judgements, my own judgements as projected on other beings towards myself.i fear not being able to let go of the projections of my expression within my mind into the future. i have this desire within me to search for something outside of myself, it is as if something is litterally trying to move outside of me.

why i dont stand one and equal to the beings around me is because i desire them to take care of me, to support me, to give me what i want. i do not enjoy my expression in and as the moment because i want something from other beings because of my fear of standing alone.

i forgive myself for allowing myself to think about the future
i forgive myself for allowing myself to not enjoy my fingers hitting the keys in this moments because i am worrying about the future
i forgive myself for allowing myself to not enjoy my breath going in and out within each moment because i worry about the future
i forgive myself for allowing myself to not enjoy my expression in and as the moment because i worry and fear the next moment
i forgive myself for allowing myself to fear failing in the future and therefore fear being HERE
i forgive myself for allowing myself to desire relationships with other beings and therefore limit and suppress my expression
i forgive myself for allowing myself to define my expression by defining other being in my mind
i forgive myself for allowing myself to want to know how the next moment will look or what the future will be
i forgive myself for having allowed myself to try to control my expression by attempting to make an image within my mind of the future
i forgive myself for having allowed myself to expect emotions and feelings within the future
i forgive myself for allowing myself to expect something more than HERE
i forgive myself for having allowed myself to search for more than HERE
i forgive myself for having allowed myself to try to define HERE
i forgive myself for allowing myself to fear not defining myself because then i would not be able to create relations with the beings around me
i forgive myself for allowing myself to search for recognition and approval from other beings
i forgive myself for allowing myself to search for exitement
i forgive myself for allowing myself to believe that it is better to be around other beings within relationships as emotional reactions to pictures than to be alone HERE
i forgive myself for having allowed myself to not love my expression within and as the moment HERE absolutely
i forgive myself for having allowed myself to not accept my expression as myself as all as one as equal within and as the moment HERE absolutely
i forgive myself for allowing myself to desire another to give worth to me
i forgive myself for allowing myself to desire giving my power away to another so i would feel as though i am not alone
i forgive myself for allowing myself to believe i cannot stand absolutely alone
i forgive myself for allowing myself to assume that it is normal to react when i see pictures of other beings in my reality
i forgive myself for allowing myself to assume that i cannot absolutely accept myself within and as every moment as alone
i forgive myself for never having allowed myself to enjoy my expression within and as the moment within and as oneness and equality
i forgive myself for allowing myself to try to prove myself
i forgive myself for allowing myself to fear flowing as self expression as life
i forgive myself for allowing myself to fear being spontaneous
i forgive myself for allowin gmyself to believe that my expression must mean something and must go somewhere and must have a purpose
i forgive myself for allowing myself to search for a purpose
i forgive myself for allowing myself to want to mean something to other beings
i forgive myself for allowing myself to force my expression into a certain direction
i forgive myself for allowing myself to fear being HERE without defining myself and my reality
i forgive myself for having allowed myself to desire defining my reality as myself because i desire creating relationships
i forgive myself for allowing myself to purposely separate myself from other beings by forming opinions and judgements about them so i can create relationships
i forgive myself for having allowed myself to define myself according to the word relationships
i forgive myself for allowing myself to try to search for recognition and acceptance outside of myself
i forgive myself for allowing myself to try to mean something in my reality
i forgive myself for allowing myself to try to reach some experience
i forgive myself for allowing myself to suppress my expression deliberately because i do not want other beings to reject me
i forgive myself for having allowed and accepted myself to believe that i can only be myself fully when i am in a relationship, when i am reacting emotionally towards other beings in my world
i forgive myself for having allowed and accepted myself to desire to be meaningful for other beings
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to judge other beings experience in this world because i do not want to be alone with me
i forgive myself for not having accepted and allowed myself to be honest with me in every moment of breath, where ever i am in my world
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to deliberately not being honest when i am around other beings in my world because of desires within me towards this being
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to manipulate other beings and lie to other beings in my reality into noticing me and thinking about me in a certain way, because i did not want to accept myself absolutely within and as the moment as the breath as HERE
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to deceive beings in my world by presenting me as someone i am not because i am not willing to accept myself within every moment of breath HERE as alone
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to others because i do not accept myself within and as every moment as breath as alone as HERE
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to think about other beings because i do not accept myself as HERE as breath as alone completely and absolutely
i forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to fear other beings because i actually want to use them to get something that i want in my reality, within not realising that i am one and equal to all HERE
i forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not trust myself within and as the moment and therefore fear others because i give away my trust and power to them
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to consider what words i would use, what i would say in the presence of others because i want them to accept me, my actions, my words, because i do not want to accept myself fully within and as the moment HERE as the breath of life as who i truly am as all as one as equal
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to fear rejection
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to reject myself as life by participating in the mind consciousness system as thoughts feelings and emotions and then go look for recognition and validation and acceptance from other beings
i forgive myself for having allowed myself to look for recognition, validation, acceptance from the beings around me
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe i can only enjoy myself when in the presence of others who accept and love me
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to use other beings to give me money and a job so i can feel safe and secure
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to alter and transform my expression in the presence of other beings because i desire using them to get what i as ego want so i can feel safe and secure
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to fear other beings wont like me
i forgive myself for not having accepted and allowed myself to unconditionally like and love and accept myself as life as HERE as all as one as equal
i forgive myself for having allowed myself to believe that i exist separate from other beings and that i need therefore another to give me love
i forgive myself for having allowed myself to believe that my expression exist separate from the expression of other beings that i see with my physical eyes and that i therefore need anothers approval and recognition for my expression
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to express myself within and as self interest, out of fears and desires as the ego as separation
...


till here and no further:

i am HERE
i do not allow myself or accept myself to fear the future
i do not allow myself to separate myself deliberately from other beings to use them so i can feel safe and secure about the future
i do not allow myself to exist within future projections
i do not allow myself to search for more than what is HERE as me
i do not allow myself to believe that there exist more than what is HERE as me
i do not allow myself to expect anything of the moment HERE
i do not allow myself to define myself as separate from other beings
i do not allow myself to use others by altering my expression in order to please my desires, wants and needs
i am life as oneness and equality as HERE as breath
i am not relationships
i am not survival
i live here as i breath in and out within and as each and every moment
i express myself HERE as the in and out breath as life within myself within and as each and every moment as HERE as who i really am
as all as one as equal
i do not allow myself to search for recognition or validation
i am self recognition as breath as HERE i am self validation as breath as HERE
i stop searching because all is HERE as me