2009 recognition

recognition

it s pretty silly searching for the recognition of other beings. it is believing myself to be weak and inferior and dependent on other people.

i noticed that i feel disgusted with myself for searching for other beings recognition, because what i do is lay myself under them and let them do whatever they please with me, as long as they see me lying there. as long as they notice me and see that i exist. it is my unwillingness to stand as a living statement of who i am as life. like the fear of other people. it s stupid. it is me not willing to just stand as me, just be myself, here.

i realised this and then i watched some television. it was mister and misses smith on the tv. hollywood movie with pretty man and pretty woman. and they play the whole 'i will prove my sexuality' game.

i write because of bernard. what he said and i hesitate a lot, thinking about what to write, because of desire for relationship and recognition. as if i would die for saying something 'stupid', for someone seeing my thoughts , my 'inner workings', someone seeing i m going insane with mind. because i judge that as inferior, because i look down on others. i hope other beings will have trouble with their mind, so i can feel superior, better than them. and then, of course, i would not want them to see that i am having trouble or something. and so, therefore i carefully way out what i will write. but the thing with mind now is, that nothing is certain, no thing is real.

everything is all over the place and all of certainty i have is breath is just me here and that is it. no more recognition and no more relationships. no more 'other people'.

i went to do a little project today. i printed out the text from desteni money that i translated and i hung it up in the library. then i ate pizza at a restaurant and then i went home.

i realised that i do not look at the world thru my own eyes, because i ve always depended on other people, i look at the world thru opinions and knowledge that i ve copied from for example bernard, so i only see what i think i m supposed to see. and i only express out of desire for recognition. it s funny, there s this really big fear, sort of frustration-fear of not wanting people to think that i am dumb, not wanting people to think that i am naieve.

but actually that is what i always think about other people, that they are dumb and naieve and that i am better, that i am smarter and when someone thinks i am not, i will do all it takes to prove them that i am smart. i ll say 'nono you dont understand see blablabla' and i will emphasize what i said once more to make it clear to the being that i do have a deep deep meaning with what i said, that what i said is really profound.

i want to really prove to beings that indeed i am intelligent.

i forgive myself for not having accepted and allowed myself to recognise myself
i forgive myself for not having accepted and allowed myself to support myself
i forgive myself for not having accepted and allowed myself to trust myself instead of opinions
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to want to prove who i am to other beings
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to want others to believe that i am a 'good' person, so i can believe that about myself
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to want others to think or believe something about me
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to not stand as a living statement of who i am within and as every moment as stability as life itself, like a statue that cannot be moved and cannot be influenced that is infinitely stable
i forgive myself for allowing myself to participate in the polarity frictions of desire for recognition and fear of disapproval
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to be dependent on others
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to want attention from other beings
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to desperately search for the recognition and approval of other beings
i forgiv emyself for not allowing myself to approve of myself as simply HERE
I Forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to look at my reality as myself thru the eyes as opinions and judgements of another
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to copy the knowledge and opinions and judgements from other beings and use that to look at my reality so i would not have to look at myself
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to try to avoid directly seeing myself by searching for recognition and approval
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to desire someone to notice me and to hear me and see me and form opinions about me
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to deliberately put a blindfold in front of my eyes by creating definitions about myself as my reality within desire for recognition so i would not see who i have allowed myself to become within and as alone ness
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to think about others so i would not have to see myself alone
i forgive myself for never having accepted and allowed myself to see and realise the common sense in me creating my own experience of myself in my world and therefore me being absolutely responsible for all within my reality
and therefore me being one and equal to all within my reality
i forgive myself for not having allowed myself to realise myself as one and equal with trust, strength, power, recognition, validation, approval, relationships, love, acceptance and respect, by desiring those things from the beings in my reality

i forgive myself for havinga ccepted and allowed myself to desire a man s recognition
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to believe that i am weak, a weak woman and project all of my strength on a man and then want his approval and attention and validation
i forgive myself for never having allowed myself to take responsability for how i see the beings in my reality within realising that it is me who is seeing
i forgive myself for never having allowed myself to realise the common sense that everything i see is myself as i am the one seeing my reality, i am the one seeing other beings, i am the one creating opinions etc

i forgive myself for having accepted myself to be deliberately stupid and blind because i did not want to take self responsability
i wanted to feel good and persue my self interested desires


till here and no further

i do not allow any stupidity within myself
i do not allow any self dishonesty within myself
i do not allow the search for recognition within myself because i realise that there is simply no one to recognise me as all is myself
i realise that there exist no such thing as 'other beings' and that it is pure common sense that all is me and there exist only me here
i forgive myself for having allowed myself to actually believe this nonsense about 'other people', about fear of other people, about relationships, about me being supposedly different or special or better than supposedly 'someone else'
i see and realise that there cannot possibly exist 'someone else'
i forgive myself for having allowed myself to be deceived by the pictures that i see with my human physical eyes, and separated those pictures from myself by reacting to it thru participating within the mind consciousness system that is thoughts feelings and emotions
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to become feelings and emotions as the very thing that i used to separate myself from myself, to split myself in thousands of pieces, making myself, as the i of consciousness, as this one picture, insignificant, and constantly searching for meaning and purpose because i feel so alone and lost within my reality that i ve separated from myself in the first place
i forgive myself for never having allowed myself to notice myself as i was so lost within the picture world, where i believed all the pictures i see around me, to be separate from myself because i allowed myself to react to them by participating within the mind consciousness system as thoughts feelings and emotions
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to feel inferior towards myself as 'others' as the pictures i see around me
i forgive myself for having allowed myself to want and desire my reality that i had separated from myself, to notice me and validate my existence, because i did not see myself in my reality anymore as i had become not even real, i had become non existant


till here and no further

i am HERE
I AM BREATH
i am SELF expression within ONENESS AND EQUALITY as LIFE
i am LIFE itself as natural expression
there is no separation between my expression and the expressions i see with my human physical eyes around me, because all is me, all i see is me
i do not allow myself to react within jealousy or comparison or awe towards the expressions i see in my reality because i realise that all is myself, all expessions are HERE as i am HERE
i do not allow myself to participate within the stupidity of the mind of searching for recognition or love or acceptance or strength or understanding, because i realise that all exist within my reality so it exist within myself as i am HERE within and as my reality as myself as all as one as equal
i realise the absurdity of 'other beings', i realise that there exist no 'other' as in 'separate from myself'
i am one and equal with feelings
i am one and equal with emotions
i am one and equal with thoughts
i am one and equal with what my human physical eyes see
i am one and equal to all knowledge, opinions and judgements that exist within my reality
all exist within the simplicity of breath