dinsdag 10 juni 2008

2008 commenting a comment

i watched the tree of life intervieuw of emanuel and i saw that two months ago i made a comment:

familiar familiar fafafamiliar!!!
fear of not being in control of evey aspect of a situation
...which then results in a 'crappy situation' experience where i must 'defend myself' to an 'attack' which i created in the first place.
real stupid shit
get rid of it!!!

above it was this:

take response ability for your own self and stop talking non sense to others, please

i think it is directed at what i wrote, i immediately felt ashamed for what i wrote then, i thought 'omg, that s so stupid, emanuel must have thought i was ....'
i dont even have a description for it
like, overenthousiastic

knowledge without application
like: hey look at me i found a new group of people, a new group of friends and hey look at what we do we re like into ourselves, look at me being into myself lol
yeah that s exactly it
completely into others lllooolll
an empty shell
filling it with imitations and adaptations and impressions and stuff i see of what others do and interpretations
and then trying to convince these people that i am one of them
so i can feel safe, like i fit in

i m not like that any more, i m calmer now lol
but i still feel like i m doing things to fit in
diverted attention towards others
towards the pictures and images and definitions in my mind that i have of 'others' as separation as who iv e allowed myself to become

anyways, i reacted with shame about what i said and with anger towards what he said about what i said. funny: at first i thought it was directed at winged and then i was fine with it even a little enjoyed by it, but after contemplating it it must be towards me, something i create to show me this. even if it is towards winged.
///...:::i cant handle people critisising me, giving me negative remarks. i used to cry when i was little when a teacher would tell me i did something wrong, my body steps into shock. now still , i just cant handle it . when i was little i was petrified to be late for school or forgetting something, to get noticed negatively, and now i feel a lot of anxiety when i know i m going to be late for work: future projections all the way there
i make it seem so bad in my mind, like my entire world is about to collapse because someone might be upset with me...
i might not seem perfect, o neeeee

and so, seeing that comment again that i made back then, seeing the self dishonest nature of my system as who i ve allowed myself to become and especially seeing that another saw it and it is there for all to see, i feel so sad. so still under the impression that i actually need these people, that i need anyone. i just want to feel good about myself, by, for exsample, writing this text from the view of another: jozien or adele or bernard or whoever. so i feel like i get that attention, affirmation: like i m not alone and then i can very easily with just one thing that a person sais towards me, feel completely lost and think everyone hates me, i m all alone, sorry me.
aslong as it seems perfect, it is
as long as i can delude myself that others find me good enough, i am
in complete denial
of me and who i ve allowed myself to become as denial as separation as system
i dont know if i ever really fit in...
i know there were popular kids in school, always everywhere ...
i remember it wasnt until the 5th grade that i actually started making an effort to fit in and be long with the popular crowd..
i found my former friends not good enough anymore, i kinda dumped them
but i still wanted them to like me
i wanted everyone to like me, i didnt really want to be mean to anyone, exept if others were mean to them, then it was ok for me to do that, but not tooo much because maybe there d be a time that i need that person
hmm kinda reminds me of my father: gossiping about a lot of people but still wanting to keep the whole social network intact by following rules and regulations of behaviour: social behaviour
i did have most of the time special friends, it was only in the 5th and 6th grade that i was with a 'group' of distant people who i kinda knew:i was more into having best friends, people who stick with you, who wont leave your side, who took a vow to be with you because we are BEST friends.
i felt completely lost when they would for a moment hang with other people, but i had no problem in dumping them when i would get noticed by people that were 'more important'..
i was a leach
sucked onto into people and followed their lead, not noticably. but i did what they wanted to do: when they d ask me what i want to do, i d say : i dont know , what u wanna do
i didnt care aslong as the other person was happy and satisfied with my presence, fear that the thing s i want to do wont be good enough or something and they wont like me anymore, it was too lonely to make a decision based on what i wanted, afterall all i wanted was to be liked.

that s why i m having such a hard time just being me, it s why i seem to need people to direct me in every breath because i just dont know what i want , who i am whatever: it s why i let people 'walk over me', not knowing where to say stop, because i dont know where i am, where my directivity is, where my standing up is, all i have is breath....

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