woensdag 4 juni 2008

2008 all about me

ik praat niet over mezelf, en ik lees niets van anderen
doch ik focus me compleet op mezelf: de wereld draait rond kim, vanuit onzelfzekerheid. omdat ik niet echt wil inzien dat alles niet rond mij draait (de mij als zelf gedefinieerd afscheiding van mezelf als het systeem als wie ik mezelf heb toegestaan te worden)
ik wil eigenlijk de ervaringen van anderen niet lezen omdat ik dan zie dat de wereld meerdere centra heeft. ik wil niet inzien dat ik er alleen voor sta: dat mensen mij niet op handen dragen of voor mij willen zorgen omdat ze inzien dat ik toch zo kwetsbaar en speciaal ben.
vaak praat ik niet over mezelf of laat ik me lange tijd niet zien zodat mensen zich vragen beginnen stellen over mij en zodat zij aan mij vragen waarom ik niet op forum geweest ben...
ik wil dat ze mij laten zien dat ik er zijn mag, niet andersom uit angst voor afwijzing.

i always feel, when talking to people, that i have to say something meening ful, that i have to give some deep and insightful vision about something, some really cool description about something so that the people see that i am insight ful and that i 'get' things, that i can be with them, the smart people.
but actually i always feel like i have to try to understand other people, like it doesnt come naturally to me. i want to understand to let them know that i understand by being able to comment it or react to it, so that they might enjoy speaking with me, so they might enjoy my company. i ve always been jealous of people just being able to talk about 'deep' and 'meaningful' things, or just about things in general, giving their opinion. i never really had an opinion, so i felt the need to make one up, one of which i thought would be the opinion of a smart person.
for a time in my life the phrase 'i dunno' was the answer i gave to everything. i didnt wanna give an answer, i didnt want to have an opinion and then have to justify it. i didnt want to discuss or talk or whatever. but then that changed.
all of a sudden i wanted to be noticed, be poetic and deep and profound.
'she s silent, but when she speaks it s very powerful' is a description that i liked about me. i wanted it that way i guess, to have people think i m really smart, due to some calculated things i said and for the rest just sit there, not really knowing how to participate in the conversation because i wanted everything i said to be perfect and smart and i really didnt feel that smart, so everything i wanted to say felt like really dumb, so i remained silent.
i had a friend who really bought that, he called me a 'goddess' over a movie i made once, he asked me if i was a genius once. he really thought i was brilliant and i kinda knew that and tryed to hold on to that for as long as i could. pretending to be special, he was like the single person that my whole 'special ' defenition of me was built around. so what i did was, only do and say things of which i think he will find cool and special, it didnt matter if it was really me, no, everything just to get noticed.
it didnt really matter if anyone else thought i was that as long as he did. when i was around other people, i would just pretend that he would see me and judge my behaviour around others as cool and special, so i could at all times feel good about what i do and who i am.
when i met him, that s when everything changed , i think, i meen before that, i was also trying to come off as special by wearing torn clothes and trying to act cool, but when he started noticing me and paying attention to me, he became my world, literally. since then my parents started saying i changed, like 'where is that nice girl that we knew', i got angry when they said that, like 'why cant you just accept me as who i am?!', justifying the lie i ve allowed myself to become, wanting and expecting others to accept me and approve of the things i do and when they dont i d be all pathetic, thinking 'o but they re so narrow minded',' i ve opened up my mind and i see now how materialistic and petty and simple they are'. but i still wanted their approval over me, blaming them for not accepting me, for not making me feel accepted. i felt injustified. while i was the one rejecting them, suddenly feeling that they re not good enough for me anymore, i had moved on to bigger and better....but still needed their support because appearantly i could not stand alone in my deep and profound kingdom.

i had set out standards for myself to try to impress this youngman, standards that i could not live up to. i compared me with him, and saw that he was more intense than me, more deep, more profound, more artistic, creative, insightfull, metafysical, he could just talk hours on end about these beautiful metaforical descriptions of how he experienced himself and his world. i felt completely inadequate, i thought that that was the way i needed to be aswel to show him that i am equally if not more cool than him so he would like me and notice me and admire me. i guess the way i admired him.

in my life i had people admiring me before , like friends. people that wanted to be like me, that looked up to me. and i liked that feeling, but they never lasted. they went their own way. or at least after a while i started to feel stupid, because i thought they didnt look up to me anymore, they find me weird now and then i felt bad about myself. transforming to be noticed by one got me feeling rejected by the other
i dont seem to have a way, not if there is nt someone who sees me while i go it, someone to compare me to.

i really don t know how to talk to people, and about what. andrea said on chat that she s training herself in speaking to people, or checking herself ...
i wonder what she ment, about what do i speak as me?
everything, simply everything seems just smalltalk. nothing seems important enough to talk about or to mention. but at the same time i just want to break the silence.
i find silence still awkward sometimes, i feel like people are expecting of me to speak and they feel uncomfortable around me because i dont speak and when i do it s short answers. most unpleasant
in my life a lot of people told me to talk more. teachers saying i am too quiet. 'the silent one in the back of the class', my dad and my grandpa saying i should be more social, go out more, do more smalltalk because people like that and my mom too. she said that she s fed up with my silence, she wants me to talk to her because she feels ignored, she feels like i m treating her like a hotel. come home from work, eat and dont say anything to her. so whenever there is a silence now in the house i feel personally resposible and feel like she s feeling very mad at me for not speaking to her. out of fear i want to speak but i dont out of common sense, and the fear builds up because the silence remains.

i know why i dont speak, out of fear of saying the wrong things, out of fear of being found abnormal for what i say.

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