zondag 10 februari 2008

2008 the blog of here

before i created this blog of mine on which i am now typing and while i was creating it i was thinking about all sorts of things and honesties i would write about. but i, at this moment, don t feel like recalling them anymore, because, even though it would all be honest, it would not be here, and it would also be part (the most important part) dishonest because i would be writing, not for the sake of honesty, but for the sake of 'i have a blog, person having a blog, and i must live up to the image or picture i have in my mind of what it means to be a person writing a blog and in doing so being honest.
i just took a look at my blogtitle and felt 'good about myself', because i think it is a very good blogtitle, and when people would see it they would think therefore that i am a good person or smart or brilliant or worth giving attention to or etc..
right now it s sunday, 'let's talk about politics on tv'-day. so the tv is on something called 'the seventh day' a program where a lot of serious people in serious rooms with a serious audience talk about serious stuff. as i am typing right now, trying to get something 'meaningful' across, i can't help but feel disturbed and slightly frustrated by the monotone voice coming out of the tv.
the frustration grows and now i am frustrated by the person sitting in front of the tv, he who turned the goddamn thing on in the first place, and by the sound of the ventilator over our cooking fire where my mom is baking pancakes. but mostly am i frustrated by myself allowing myself to get frustrated because 'i thougt i was over that', 'i thougt i had already delt with that particular emotion'.
so, i forgive myself for allowing myself to think that what i do is better than what other people do.
i forgive myself for allowing myself to think that it is something outside of myself causing me to react with thoughts, emotions and feelings of frustration.
i forgive myself for allowing myself to experience frustration or anger towards myself because of a certain conscioussystem-reaction i allowed myself to experience, and in doing this, only supporting the conscioussystem within myself and within this world.
i forgive myself for allowing myself to judge others and the things that they do, in comparing them and what they do to me and what i do. in this way only creating separation between myself and the world and not allowing myself to experience and realise the oneness and equality that is myself, as all.
i forgive myself for imagining, wanting other humans to read this and respond to it with thoughts, feelings and emotions of judgement (positive judgement) to create within my mindconsciousnessystem a 'good feeling', a feeling that i get when i think or get the idea that other people recognise and understand the image that i m trying to portray of myself.
i forgive myself that i allow myself to believe or think that this image of myself of which i think is how other people see me is in fact me as myself.
i forgive myself for even considering the possibility that it is important for me as who i realy am how other people see me or judge me, because i allow myself to believe that if i am judged by others as 'good', than that will make me 'good'.
i forgive myself for allowing myself to make the separation of good vs bad in my mind, on which i judge other people, myself and the world, and for not allowing myself to realise that the meaning of the word 'good' and the meaning of the word 'bad' are based on past experiences which i have allowed myself to use in making a definition of who i am and that me as who i realy am is the same in every moment and as everything else and does not exist in separation for separation is of the mind and the mind is the very thing that, thru separation, is keeping me from experiencing who i realy am as myself as others as the world in oneness and equality
i realise that i am not an image, for images are of the mind, i am not judgement nor do i know how or who other people are because all i know or have allowed myself to know about other people is based on mindconstructs of past experiences and allowed 'ways of thinking'.
it seems that, no matter how much i apply self forgiveness in my writing, as long as i am sitting in front of the computer writing a blog with the knowledge that other people can read this and judge, the feeling that i am in a way forcing myself to live up to the image i portray of myself for other people to see (my mask if u will) stays present.
oh wel, at least i know i m realy working on that as well as on everything else and at least i m aware of the feeling being there.
i was thinking just now that perhaps in my next message, i will be taking a look at me, meaning who i ve allowed myself to become thru my past. sort of describing myself i guess, see if any insights pop up.
...or maybe i won t
hmmm, quite exhilarating this not knowing what i'll do next, or better yet: not having to know what i ll do next.