donderdag 31 juli 2014

2014 The Belittled Mouse and the Roaring Lion - Me Facing Inferiority

2014 The Belittled Mouse and the Roaring Lion - Me Facing Inferiority
Changing Inferiority in Real-Time

This is the process I have walked of me becoming inferior (as a mouse) interpreting other people as roaring lions and how I have changed and am in the process of changing this idea / perception of myself as inferior / mousy in my relationship to other people who I interpreted to be roaring lions. This process I am walking more specifically in the context of my relationship with my partner, which is where I first started noticing the deep impact that this tendency to make myself inferior within myself in relation to others actually has on me within my internal experience and external expression.

The problem I have noticed within how I experience and express myself in my relationship with my partner, is that there is a specific emotional/mental and behavioral pattern that keeps emerging within myself and that, as the relationship progresses, gets more and more problematic.
This pattern is an activation of specific emotional experiences that come up within myself, wherein at some point in the relationship, like already after a few weeks or a month, I start to feel very afraid and scared in relation to my partner and specifically in relation to all sorts of thoughts that are popping up in my mind, for instance thoughts like 'he is going to leave me' or 'he is not interested in/attracted to me anymore' - which then activates images  in my imagination where I can already see him breaking up with me and I see myself going into a depressed and desperate state that I have connected with the idea and thought of 'losing him', to which I react with an emotion of panic and fear -- which then in turn sets of  a sort of 'downwards spiral' within myself because from the reaction and experience of Fear and Panic, I tumble further into an experience and state of depression.

And, what is most interesting about this downwards spiral wherein eventually I feel completely overwhelmed by all these thoughts and emotional experiences in relation to losing the relationship  - thoughts that eventually branch out in various directions, fuelling all sorts of ideas and definitions that I have created about ‘who I am’ and ‘who my partner is’ in my mind that then activate more emotional reactions – is that the starting point of it is just one thought that crept into my mind wherein I made an interpretation  of my partners’ behaviour/expression. I mean, I made an interpretation, where for instance, I see and notice that he is speaking less and interacting less than usual with me and, instead of making a thorough investigating into why there is a change in his expression, through for instance communicating and being open and observant, I immediately go over into making personal interpretations of what his expression and behaviour could ‘mean’ from the perspective of the meaning that I have already given to who I am within myself, which would be all my doubts and fears and insecurities.

For instance, I make the interpretation that he is not speaking to me and being reserved and less interactive ‘because he doesn’t feel attracted to me anymore’ – because, ‘he actually wants to be with someone else’ or ‘he thinks I am not pretty enough for him’ and ‘he feels disappointed  now that he is getting to know me better’, etcetera. I mean, there is no real evidence in my physical reality for why I should understand and interpret his behaviour in this way – so really, it is only because I have placed more value within my mind as personal ideas and belief systems than on physical reality, that I am allowing these thoughts, interpretations and emotional reactions to take me for a ride. And, because they are not actually built and based on a real point in physical reality – it’s like they can just keep on building on each other and thus drag me into an infinite spiral of internal reactions and experiences, without any ‘grounding’ point in physical reality. 

A ‘grounding’ point would be for instance an actual realization, insight and understanding of what is physically really going on in my reality – which is something that I, ironically enough, would only be able to see if and when I open myself up to the possibility that my internal world and reality of thoughts, feelings and emotions may not actually be reality. 

So, what I found about what this emotional state of depression that I go into, activated by that one point of interpretation of my partners behaviour, actually is – is that it is a mental/emotional experience of self-pity and sadness - which are specifically programs/constructs within the mind that the mind uses as a device to manipulate the environment through emotions and to therein be able to experience some form of control over what happens in that environment and in the behaviour of other people.

Per example, at school I used the external image of ‘depression’ to get attention from my peers, meaning that I would deliberately go and isolate myself from the group whenever I felt like I wasn’t getting enough attention because I found that someone would usually come over to me to ask me what is going on and thus I would get my desired attention --- by acting as if ‘something is going on with me’. I did the same at birthday parties to make sure that I was always the centre of attention.
And then when I entered the ‘relationships/sex-arena’ I actually started to completely internalize this ‘depressed state’/manipulation technique by going so completely in to that experience of ‘feeling low/sad’, often accompanied by the physical action of isolating myself, that I started to lose people in my life, specifically the males that I felt interested in and that I either wanted to be in a relationship with or was already in a relationship with. 

The point that I strange enough never understood, saw or realized, is that even though people may give me attention when I am ‘in a depression’, that doesn’t mean that they ‘like me’ or want to be around me – in fact, quite the opposite.  I mean obviously, who wants to be around someone who is constantly depressed and needs you to pity them?  Because I never placed myself in the shoes of the people around me, I didn’t consider that I myself don’t enjoy being in the presence of depressed, attention-needing and pity-seeking people – so, why is it that I am assuming that others will?

So, while in my mind I believe that going into this state of depression is a way to control and hold on to my relationships with people – in reality it is actually in reverse --- which I never saw, realized or understood because I never investigated my internal and external reality, I only ever trusted the onedimensional experiences in and of my mind as my thoughts, feelings and emotions without ever in any way relating them to physical reality.

Thus,  the problematic nature of me going into this mental/emotional pattern of fear and depression within my relationship is that:

  1. Within this state of fear/depression, I victimize myself and I make myself inferior not only to my partner, or rather my own thoughts and ideas about 'who my partner is' that I have created in my mind, but therein I also make myself inferior to my own mind as the emotional experiences that come up within myself - which means that I will very easily become very emotional within myself, which then results in an 'irrationality' in my behaviour, expression and decision-making
  2. I suppress my expression when I am in the presence of my partner because I am consumed by the constant thoughts of fear in relation to 'if I express myself in this or that way, then he will think this or that and react in this or that way - and then that can eventually lead up to him breaking up with me and me losing him', so then I believe that it is 'safer' for me to not express myself and rather sink into a state of depression, as that creates the illusion within my mind that I somehow have some form of control over him and the relationship
  3. I am no longer Here, present and aware in my immediate physical reality and I find it difficult to focus on my work and on my physical responsibilities because all that I really want to do in that state of depression is crawl up in a ball somewhere and isolate myself from everything and everyone and basically 'wallow' in self-pity

Within these three dimensions of the consequences that I am creating in my relationship with myself and my partner by participating within the Reactive Mind-Pattern of Fear of Loss, which I have named the 'Holy Trinity of Self-Destruction', I can see clearly how I am essentially giving up on Myself and my entire Life and Living - only because of one emotional experience of Fear that is triggered in one moment by one specific Thought that I may lose my partner.

I mean, having now established the absolute problematic and just plain self-destructive reality of this Mind-Construct of Fear of Loss within a relationship - I am committing myself to walk a process of correcting this pattern through applying specific tools of self-investigation, self-forgiveness, self-commitment and practical real-time self-change -- so that I can transform the Holy Trinity of Self-Destruction into becoming a Holy Trinity of Self-Support and Self-Nurturing.

zaterdag 5 juli 2014

2014: Why do I Always Feel Left Out? - Part 2

This is a continuation in my process of Changing an experience within myself of feeling Left Out when being in groups of people, of which I had laid out a basic 'blueprint' for how this particular experience exists within myself - in terms of what the specific thoughts, backchats and emotional reactions are that constitute the emotional experience within myself of 'feeling left out' while I am standing in or around a group of people. 

In the first instance where I noticed this experience come up within myself, which motivated me to walk this process of changing myself within and as it, I was in the presence of two women. I saw them talking about something amongst each other and I started feeling 'left out' of the conversation and of their little 'group' as how I defined in my mind what I saw with my eyes within and as them standing close together while talking. So, from an observer’s perspective – what was going on in my mind, I was projecting to what I was seeing through my physical eyes. It was interesting noticing this point: how – what I made myself believe I was seeing in my Mind, because of my thoughts and emotions towards seeing them – how I made myself believe that this was ‘how things really were in reality’. Like, they were really this ‘little group’ and I was ‘really not part of it’…not realising how I was creating all of this in my own Mind, especially with thoughts and emotions, then projecting it onto reality.  

Upon investigating the various components as thoughts, feelings and emotional reactions within how and why it was that I was reacting to this situation with 'feeling left out', what I could identify is that this specific experience of emotions as though I 'do not belong' and I am 'standing on the outside' and I am 'disconnected' in relation to what I was seeing as that 'group' of people, specifically women, is that this specific experience was something that I had in fact created myself within and through how I was accepting and allowing myself to move energetically within myself during my day-to-day living.
Within observing how my mind moves in relation to my environment and in relation to myself, I noticed  that I would participate a lot within an experience of desire to 'be accepted' by people and by 'groups' of people and to experience 'connection', 'togetherness' and 'unity' -- which was an experience of excitement every time I thought that 'people like me' and 'people accept me' or 'people want/desire me'. 

I found this to exist in the little things that I do, for instance each time a person asks me to do something for them and I say ‘sure thing’, I am saying it from the starting point of a positive feeling within myself, and in my mind I am subconsciously thinking that ‘if I do this for them, they will like me more’ -  and for that reason I will often also compromise myself within the specific task that they asked me to do, as I am doing it to try and make them happy and not from the starting point of simply doing what needs to be done within the parameters of what makes sense.

 Each time a person smiles at me, I respond with a positive feeling within myself because in my mind I interpret this smile as a sign that this person likes me – and when they are not smiling at me I start to wonder why not and go into an emotional reaction of fear and worry, which then leads to me trying to find ways to make them happy so they would smile at me again and I can feel positive again.
So, what I am doing by constantly accessing and experiencing these small ‘movements’ of energy, each time I go into my thoughts about whether or not a person likes me, is that I am conditioning this mind-set within my subconscious mind wherein I believe that ‘who I am’ is actually not ‘ok’ or ‘acceptable’ – because apparently I must constantly and continuously get the confirmation from the people around me that I am ‘ok’ and ‘acceptable’. So, it’s like every time that I access those kind of thoughts and emotional/feeling reactions, I am in a way making an internal statement that ‘I am not actually good enough as I am’.

And this daily ‘self-conditioning’ of a specific relationship towards myself in my mind wherein I don’t actually accept myself as who I am is what contributes to the moment wherein I go into an experience of ‘feeling left out’ when I am with a group of people, because that experience of being rejected is what I have created within myself by not accepting myself – where now I am basically using this physical situation of being with a group of people to make myself believe that somehow me feeling rejected has got something to do with them while its not like that at all --- what I am experiencing within myself is the relationship that I have created with myself.

In this Part 2 in my process of changing the emotional reaction of feeling left out in relation to being around other people, I am describing and  reporting on the practical application that I have walked after having applied the first step, which was the process of writing out the detail of what I could uncover and see when I investigated how it is that my mind works, in terms of thoughts, feelings and emotional reactions, when I find myself in the specific experience of 'feeling left out' (See Part 1). So then, in Step 2, I would be able to use the insights and realizations that I had accumulated in Step 1 within and as a practical real-time application of Self-Change.

So my Step 2 within this process is how and where I applied self-forgiveness  in Real-Time when I was faced with a physical situation that triggered and activated the specific thoughts, backchat and emotional experiences as I had identified in Step 1 - meaning that, just like the first time when I noticed this mind-construct playing out within myself, the physical situation that served as a trigger-point for the specific mental/emotional play-out in my mind was where I was in the presence of two women who were having a conversation together.

In that particular moment, I noticed that I was going into an emotional experience of feeling left out of the conversation and of the scene that I was seeing with my eyes, which was specifically an experience of fear, inferiority, sadness, self-pity and a form of slight depression, connected with subconscious internal backchat going "they don't see me as part of their conversation", "they are excluding me", "I am not being accepted", "they don't think that I am good enough to be part of their reality", which then transformed into "I am so alone" and "I am less than them".

I mean, in the moment itself, when I look back on it, the most prominent experience was one of sadness and inferiority - the other emotional experiences and the thoughts and backchat connected to those experiences is what I was only able to identify afterwards while looking back with a 'clear view' on what was really going through my mind in that moment. So, this is why it was important and useful to, before going over into practical real-time application, identify the components of the mind-construct that I am dealing with. For instance in this moment where I experienced the sadness and inferiority within myself in reaction to the physical situation that I was seeing, I could, because of the information that I had already accumulated through and within my self-investigative writing, apply self-forgiveness in relation to the subconscious thoughts, backchat and reactions that I was within the physical moment of activation not actually aware of and so I was able to specify my Self-Forgiveness application to target  the entirety of my mental/emotional state.

The Self-Forgiveness statements that I applied in that moment (spoken silently within myself) were specifically:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to seeing X and Y talking to each other with an emotional experience of feeling left out

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that X and Y are excluding me from their conversation

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel inferior to X and Y as a reaction to the thought that they are excluding me from their conversation

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like I am 'less than' and 'low' in relation to and compared with X and Y and the fact that they are sitting there talking to each other and I am standing here alone

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself  that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that I have created this experience of being 'low' and 'inferior' in relation to what I am seeing with my eyes, because I have given my attention and my power away to what I am seeing by creating all sorts of ideas in my mind about X and Y and about the scene that I am seeing with my eyes

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create ideas and perceptions about what I am seeing as X and Y having a conversation, by for instance thinking that 'I don't belong with them' and 'I am not a part of this scene' and 'X and Y think that I am not good enough for them' - and therein inferiorize myself within my own thoughts

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to take responsibility for the experience of inferiority in relation to X and Y and the scene that I am seeing by blaming X and Y and blaming the situation for apparently 'excluding me' and 'not accepting me'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exclude myself from this event and situation that I am seeing with my eyes by creating ideas and thoughts in my mind about X and Y and about the situation, and therein separate myself from X and Y and from the situation within myself  and thus create the experience of disconnection and exclusion from my world and reality that I am seeing with my eyes

And after having applied these spoken self-forgiveness statements, I spoke Self-Corrective Statements:

Till here and no further - I am Self-Responsibility and I take responsibility for my internal emotional reactions to the scene that I am seeing with my eyes because I see, realize and understand that I am in fact reacting to my own thoughts and ideas and perceptions that I have created within my mind about what I am seeing

So I commit myself to no longer accept or allow myself to give my power away to preprogrammed emotional experiences and reactions to my own interpretations, perceptions and ideas that I have formed in my mind of what I am seeing with my eyes

I commit myself to give myself attention within and as the realization that by reacting emotionally to thoughts about other people that I see with my eyes I am actually distracting myself from who I am within and as my own life and actions

Thus, I stand within and as the point of responsibility within and as my actions and movement within and as my physical world and existence

What I found within applying these tools of spoken self-forgiveness and self-corrective statements is that the reason why this kind of real-time physical application is most effective in manifesting real self-change, is because what I am doing within applying these tools in the moment where I see the actual mind-pattern and mind-construct activate, is that within and as me actually taking that breath and making that decision to stop for a moment, introspect and apply the self-directive action of speaking the words of self-forgiveness and self-correction -- I am standing up within myself in that one moment and I am making a statement of 'Who I am' in relation to this mind-pattern/mind-construct that is activating.

Because, what I realized about why it is that the mind can have power over me in such instances where preprogrammed  emotional reactions to thoughts are activated and triggered is that as long as I remain passive within myself in relation to seeing and observing these mind-programs playing out within myself, the programs will simply run its course without any 'interference' and I will for instance remain stuck in a specific emotional experience and/or multiple variating emotional reactions and experiences for a substantial amount of time. And, consequentially I may even be driven by these emotional experiences to do things and make decisions in my world and reality and my relationships with others that are not what is best for myself or my environment - because, by not standing up within myself in the first initial moment where I saw them come up within myself, I had essentially made the statement within myself that I believe that these thoughts and emotional reactions coming up with me are 'who I really am' and that thus the self-compromising decisions that I make and actions that I take as driven by the emotional reactions are also 'who I really am'.

Whereas, if I actively push myself to stop myself from actually following, going into and fuelling the mind-program that is activating in that moment by for instance physically speaking self-forgiveness and self-corrective statements in the moment - I am essentially moving myself in real-time to correct the relationship to this specific mind-pattern that I have created within myself over time and I therein thus actually manifest and create real-live change that I can see, observe and monitor within myself simply by the fact that I am no longer accepting and allowing myself to go into a timeloop of repeating the same internal reaction to an external trigger- and activation-point.

So, in terms of my experience within this specific application in relation to the emotional reaction and experience of 'feeling left out' - what I found is that, as I was applying the self-forgiveness and self-correction, I did see the emotional experience become less intense as I established a point of stability within myself through applying self-forgiveness and therein basically standing up within and as a point of self-responsibility. Though, what I also saw in that moment is that there was still a slight resonance of this specific mind-construct present within myself wherein I felt as though the points that I was addressing within my self-forgiveness statements were not specific enough to get to the actual core of how this emotional pattern of 'feeling left out' exists within and as my mind.

This thus implies that in the next Step, I will be investigating what this resonant experience consists of and exists as, so that I can more concisely understand who I am within and as it and thus am more able to take responsibility for its existence within myself and thus change myself within and as it -- because, what I realized within walking the process of self-change is that, the more I understand the Problem of for instance how my mind works and reacts to specific situations, the more I am able to find workable solutions in terms of how to actually practically and realistically change and correct the problems within and as Myself.