can we deal with love?
we speak so much of love, but can we handle love? do we even know what love is? are we capable of loving? each other and ourselves.
for me, love has never really existed. i uttered the words 'i love you' a few times to my friends and family members, but i did not know what i was talking about. i might have 'loved' others, while i was abusive towards myself. i have definately never loved myself, in fact i hated my own guts.
i talked a lot about spirituality, enlightenment, beauty and life, as if i knew what i was talking about. i once had this experience during an LSD trip where i became 'one' with all of the energy, i became energy, which to me was 'love peace and understanding'. this triangle was all i could see. 'love peace and understanding' was all over the place, it was everywhere, i was so full of it that it started to sicken me. it was as though i had reached it, the top, the peek, this was it: the amalgamation with god, which is energy, which is absolute 'love, peace and understanding': the triangle. there was so much 'love' it was starting to bore me, too much 'loving energy'.
is love this energy? no
have i actually ever been able to love me? to look myself in the eyes, embrace myself? no
what does it meen to love another? it meens to be able to embrace this being, completely and i have never been able to do that. i wanted others to embrace me, i wanted them to love ME, but i would not dare to love them, to embrace them, because they might reject me, and i might get hurt, so i feared them instead. i push people away because they might do it to me, i fear what they might do to me, i fear the hurt i might be experiencing because of something that another does/says towards me. i'd rather have everyone adore and 'love' and worship me at a distance, that way i dont get hurt, i can just wallow in the thought that 'everybody loves me', 'i must be a rich being'.
what would true love be? in the first place, for love to be able to exist, i must be able to love myself, otherwise: if i do not accept love, than how can love exist?
love is definately not an experience that i can get from another, how could it be.
i could not get it from a drug (LSD), i cannot get it from sex. i am not even able to look another straigt in the eyes. i have these wild fantasies about the most amazing sex or about having a relationship, but if i cant even look another in the eyes, how could i ever share an intimacy with another, such as sex or a relationship. i suppose i am one of those people who turns the lights off when i m having sex, or who keeps it all under the sheets. i d keep the experience 'in the dark', where i know i m having sex but most of it is going on in the cinema in my mind, and i dont have to look the other being in the eyes, because i actually know i am abusing/using them, it is not love.
love is a self-experience, if there is 'another', there cannot be love
maandag 21 september 2009
ok
it s been a while since i ve written on my blog. I dont have internet at home, that's the reason. i am now sitting in a building where you can use the internet for free. i was just listening to a cd on amazon and the lady who's in charge here came up to me and told me that 'we' have to work here in silence. i saw her come over and of course i knew that she would tell me that, because that's how things work in public places: according to rules, because i am actually the only one sitting at these computers. we think that this music is disturbing to 'the others' but we dont know. because we think it is disturbing to others, we ourselves become disturbed and aggrivated by it. it s like when a child is screaming and crying in a public place. the parents will become angry and annoyed at the child because they think that 'the other people' are feeling disturbed by the screaming of the child. i also feel annoyed by it only because i think that the parents are annoyed by it, i think 'please child stop screaming, because you're getting yourself in trouble'. actually what i see is a situation where i might have to stand up and speak, because i naturally assume that these parents will abuse their child, i assume this because of experience, and i fear speaking to people. often when a situation like this occurs, i will start feeling anxious and i start looking for a way out, so i dont have to be confronted, so i dont have to stand up.
i ve been feeling so locked up in my fear of people. when i hear the slightest sound of humans around me, i get tense and i litterally feel afraid, as if the sound itself could hurt me.
there' s not much to write, when i m writing on the internet i seem to not know what to write. i allow my thoughts to direct me too much, the whole time. thats why i never actually express myself, i never do anything, because i think the whole time. i am a 'thinker', a daydreamer, i spend my time in my fantasy, in my assumptions about what reality is, in my mind. i trust my mind so much to tell me what reality is, and of course my mind is all fears, so many fears about what could happen, about what reality could be, all those fears stop me the whole time, i cant DO anything, i feel uncapable of doing anything, i feel like a failure, as though i cant do anything. thats how i ve been feeling all my life: restricted and limited. always so afraid of 'other people'. and whenever this fear comes up, when there's people around, i immediately start distracting myself, looking for 'a way out' so i dont have to be confronted with all these absurd fears that exist within myself, with my own absurd inner reality. i put something in my mouth, a cookie or something, or i start looking at my hands or biting my nails or playing with my hair. to make it seem for myself that i've got important things to do, so i cannot speak to these humans, i cannot stand up, i cannot direct this situation now, i cannot express myself now, no, i have these more important thing to do, this cookie needs to be eaten now.
i am, this is what it comes down to, afraid of myself, afraid of my own expression, of my own words. and obviously that is very absurd. if i would stop distracting myself, i might just see how absurd my inner reality really is. afraid of the truth. this is what i have learned: to be afraid of the truth, to not express me, but to think twice before acting or speaking. to not flow, but to stop myself the whole time. to always apologise to people for everything i might have done or said wrong, to always think about rules that there might be and that i might have to follow, to consider what other people might be thinking or wanting.... otherwise i cannot live, i cannot exist in this reality.
what i have learned from my family is this: unless i lie, i cannot live. unless i suppress myself in every moment, i cannot exist. so i cannot be me if i want to live. i have to be someone else, better than who i actually am, i have to 'live up' to so many standards, otherwise i cannot exist in this reality: i will not be able to get a job, to earn money, to build up a life, to be successfull, to survive.
i have always been suppressing me, i never allowed myself to cry, to get angry, to get depressed or sad or aggrivated. it was as though i never even existed, all that i was was this fear, this huge fear within myself that i experience when i m around people. the fear of myself (as other people). i fear my own judgements towards myself that i project in other people.
when someone asks me a question, i dont answer as me, i give an answer that i believe i should be giving. i express myself as how i believe i should be expressing myself, i express what is 'normal', what answers to the apparent norm in this reality of what is 'good', the standard of life. i pretend to be a normal kid, teenager, adult. i try to be who i believe i m supposed to be, according to what my parents (especially my father) taught me. i am trying trying trying the whole time to be who i believe i need to be... normal... like the others.
but i always seem to fail at that.
i use my thoughts to coordinate my words and actions. my thoughts, which are 'the rules', that my family has taught me, as how i m supposed to see reality. especially concerning other people. for example 'dont do/say that, what will people think of you/us?!' 'think before you speak!!' 'dont do that, you're disturbing other people'.
people often tell me that i am so silent, shy. i always react with fear when they 'confront' me on that, it is what i ve always had to hear ever since i was little. i feel fear because i ve always actually believed that there is something very wrong with me because i do certain things apparently that i m not supposed to be doing or i m not doing what i m apparantly supposed to be doing. why am i not social? why dont i laugh a lot, like the others? why dont i talk loud and a lot like the others? why am i so silent?
i make up excuses when people adress me on these matters because i believe that i am actually doing something wrong, i never tell the truth, i never say it how it is, i never express myself. because no one ever told me i could, people have always told me that i have to be a certain way... not myself.
i am searching my expression here, there's lots that the mind comes up with 'i could do that', i could write this or that, but expression is not an effort, no thought, self expression is effortless, as easy as breath, it is not a trying. in this reality everything is trying, everyting is 'being better than who you actually are', 'trying to be better/ more than yourself' 'making something of yourself/life'. there is no must, there is no have to.
there is nothing.
it s been a while since i ve written on my blog. I dont have internet at home, that's the reason. i am now sitting in a building where you can use the internet for free. i was just listening to a cd on amazon and the lady who's in charge here came up to me and told me that 'we' have to work here in silence. i saw her come over and of course i knew that she would tell me that, because that's how things work in public places: according to rules, because i am actually the only one sitting at these computers. we think that this music is disturbing to 'the others' but we dont know. because we think it is disturbing to others, we ourselves become disturbed and aggrivated by it. it s like when a child is screaming and crying in a public place. the parents will become angry and annoyed at the child because they think that 'the other people' are feeling disturbed by the screaming of the child. i also feel annoyed by it only because i think that the parents are annoyed by it, i think 'please child stop screaming, because you're getting yourself in trouble'. actually what i see is a situation where i might have to stand up and speak, because i naturally assume that these parents will abuse their child, i assume this because of experience, and i fear speaking to people. often when a situation like this occurs, i will start feeling anxious and i start looking for a way out, so i dont have to be confronted, so i dont have to stand up.
i ve been feeling so locked up in my fear of people. when i hear the slightest sound of humans around me, i get tense and i litterally feel afraid, as if the sound itself could hurt me.
there' s not much to write, when i m writing on the internet i seem to not know what to write. i allow my thoughts to direct me too much, the whole time. thats why i never actually express myself, i never do anything, because i think the whole time. i am a 'thinker', a daydreamer, i spend my time in my fantasy, in my assumptions about what reality is, in my mind. i trust my mind so much to tell me what reality is, and of course my mind is all fears, so many fears about what could happen, about what reality could be, all those fears stop me the whole time, i cant DO anything, i feel uncapable of doing anything, i feel like a failure, as though i cant do anything. thats how i ve been feeling all my life: restricted and limited. always so afraid of 'other people'. and whenever this fear comes up, when there's people around, i immediately start distracting myself, looking for 'a way out' so i dont have to be confronted with all these absurd fears that exist within myself, with my own absurd inner reality. i put something in my mouth, a cookie or something, or i start looking at my hands or biting my nails or playing with my hair. to make it seem for myself that i've got important things to do, so i cannot speak to these humans, i cannot stand up, i cannot direct this situation now, i cannot express myself now, no, i have these more important thing to do, this cookie needs to be eaten now.
i am, this is what it comes down to, afraid of myself, afraid of my own expression, of my own words. and obviously that is very absurd. if i would stop distracting myself, i might just see how absurd my inner reality really is. afraid of the truth. this is what i have learned: to be afraid of the truth, to not express me, but to think twice before acting or speaking. to not flow, but to stop myself the whole time. to always apologise to people for everything i might have done or said wrong, to always think about rules that there might be and that i might have to follow, to consider what other people might be thinking or wanting.... otherwise i cannot live, i cannot exist in this reality.
what i have learned from my family is this: unless i lie, i cannot live. unless i suppress myself in every moment, i cannot exist. so i cannot be me if i want to live. i have to be someone else, better than who i actually am, i have to 'live up' to so many standards, otherwise i cannot exist in this reality: i will not be able to get a job, to earn money, to build up a life, to be successfull, to survive.
i have always been suppressing me, i never allowed myself to cry, to get angry, to get depressed or sad or aggrivated. it was as though i never even existed, all that i was was this fear, this huge fear within myself that i experience when i m around people. the fear of myself (as other people). i fear my own judgements towards myself that i project in other people.
when someone asks me a question, i dont answer as me, i give an answer that i believe i should be giving. i express myself as how i believe i should be expressing myself, i express what is 'normal', what answers to the apparent norm in this reality of what is 'good', the standard of life. i pretend to be a normal kid, teenager, adult. i try to be who i believe i m supposed to be, according to what my parents (especially my father) taught me. i am trying trying trying the whole time to be who i believe i need to be... normal... like the others.
but i always seem to fail at that.
i use my thoughts to coordinate my words and actions. my thoughts, which are 'the rules', that my family has taught me, as how i m supposed to see reality. especially concerning other people. for example 'dont do/say that, what will people think of you/us?!' 'think before you speak!!' 'dont do that, you're disturbing other people'.
people often tell me that i am so silent, shy. i always react with fear when they 'confront' me on that, it is what i ve always had to hear ever since i was little. i feel fear because i ve always actually believed that there is something very wrong with me because i do certain things apparently that i m not supposed to be doing or i m not doing what i m apparantly supposed to be doing. why am i not social? why dont i laugh a lot, like the others? why dont i talk loud and a lot like the others? why am i so silent?
i make up excuses when people adress me on these matters because i believe that i am actually doing something wrong, i never tell the truth, i never say it how it is, i never express myself. because no one ever told me i could, people have always told me that i have to be a certain way... not myself.
i am searching my expression here, there's lots that the mind comes up with 'i could do that', i could write this or that, but expression is not an effort, no thought, self expression is effortless, as easy as breath, it is not a trying. in this reality everything is trying, everyting is 'being better than who you actually are', 'trying to be better/ more than yourself' 'making something of yourself/life'. there is no must, there is no have to.
there is nothing.
woensdag 18 februari 2009
grace gracefulness
self exploration in and as gracefulness
i am self exploration in and as grace and gratefulness
i am grateful for life as me as here i am gratefulness as i breathe in and i am gratefulness as i breathe out
i am grateful for every moment here
i am grateful for myself as creation i live and apply gratefulness within and as each moment of breath within the realisation that i am responsible for this creation as myself
i have for too long been greed and greedy and i have been blind from who i am as gratefulness, i ve been lost in a picture world, an illusion, desires, the mind, the system, that destroys and that is self destructive and that is self innihilating
i stand up as life as grace and gratefulness within the realisation that all is me
all is me and i honour me as all here, within and as each and every breath
i respect me as all of creation within and as breath
breath is who i am, not desires, not reactions, not thoughts, feelings and emotions, but breath, the in breath, and the out breath, the gentle flow of breath in each new moment.
from now until eternety i am grateful for who i am as this breath of life as who i really am, within this breath of life i stand as strenght, i stand as power, i stand as myself, as self support, as self presence, unwavering and stable and constant.
i am strength as gratefulness, i am great as gratefulness, i greet as gratefulness, i am fulfilled as gratefulness, i eat as gratefulness, i type as gratefulness, i breathe as gratefulness, i see as gratefulness, i walk as gratefulness, i stand as gratefulness, i move as gratefulness, i am the very expression of gratefulness, as the gratefulness of life that is here that is within all as me, here, i am the realisation of gratefulness.
i am the realisation that i am not an ingrateful systematic expression that consumes and disregards all life, that plows thru life and existence like a steamroller, like a machine, like industry, like greed, like desire.
within this realisation that i am alone and that i am responsible for all of existence as me i apply gratefulness, within each and every breath.
i am grateful because i am alive, because i live, here
i am grateful because i exist
i am grateful because i have this opportunity here to stand as all as one as equal and to realise myself as who i truly am as life
i am grateful because i realise myself as all as one as equals
GRATEFUL GRATEFULNESS
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to take the moment here for granted
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to not notice the little things within and as the moment
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to be so caught up within my own desires that i could not see what is right in front of me: life itself!
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to only care about the picture, about how i look, instead of who i am as the little things
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to want and desire to be great, to want my expression to be great
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to desire attention from others for my expression and within that limiting myself to only what i think would receive positive attention, thus keeping me blind to the true expression that is HERE , to my true potential, within and as gratefulness as what is here
i forgive myself for never having accepted and allowed myself to experience gratefulness
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to only experience greed, and to, within that, consume all that exist because of my greed, because of my desires
i forgive myself for having accepted andallowed myself to feel a constant feeling of being unsatisfied, unfulfilled, uncomplete, because i keep looking for something great and because i dont see the greatness of me within gratefulness of here
i forgiv emyself for having accepted and allowed myself to remain stuck within constructs and limited ego system expression when i could be so cool in expressing myself here unconditionally,
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to limit myself to thought, as the onedimensional and limited expression of the mind, which is the desire to be great but within that it is really insignificant, non existent even
forgiv emyself for having accepted and allowed myself to desire, then, as that thought, to receive recognition, so i can at least feel great, and not have to realise my insignificant truth
i forgive myself for not allowing myself to see my expression within eternity, within the truth of me which is eternity, instead of trying to reach a short feeling, which i then call expression, or life, but which is actually a pathetic excuse for an expression
self exploration in and as gracefulness
i am self exploration in and as grace and gratefulness
i am grateful for life as me as here i am gratefulness as i breathe in and i am gratefulness as i breathe out
i am grateful for every moment here
i am grateful for myself as creation i live and apply gratefulness within and as each moment of breath within the realisation that i am responsible for this creation as myself
i have for too long been greed and greedy and i have been blind from who i am as gratefulness, i ve been lost in a picture world, an illusion, desires, the mind, the system, that destroys and that is self destructive and that is self innihilating
i stand up as life as grace and gratefulness within the realisation that all is me
all is me and i honour me as all here, within and as each and every breath
i respect me as all of creation within and as breath
breath is who i am, not desires, not reactions, not thoughts, feelings and emotions, but breath, the in breath, and the out breath, the gentle flow of breath in each new moment.
from now until eternety i am grateful for who i am as this breath of life as who i really am, within this breath of life i stand as strenght, i stand as power, i stand as myself, as self support, as self presence, unwavering and stable and constant.
i am strength as gratefulness, i am great as gratefulness, i greet as gratefulness, i am fulfilled as gratefulness, i eat as gratefulness, i type as gratefulness, i breathe as gratefulness, i see as gratefulness, i walk as gratefulness, i stand as gratefulness, i move as gratefulness, i am the very expression of gratefulness, as the gratefulness of life that is here that is within all as me, here, i am the realisation of gratefulness.
i am the realisation that i am not an ingrateful systematic expression that consumes and disregards all life, that plows thru life and existence like a steamroller, like a machine, like industry, like greed, like desire.
within this realisation that i am alone and that i am responsible for all of existence as me i apply gratefulness, within each and every breath.
i am grateful because i am alive, because i live, here
i am grateful because i exist
i am grateful because i have this opportunity here to stand as all as one as equal and to realise myself as who i truly am as life
i am grateful because i realise myself as all as one as equals
GRATEFUL GRATEFULNESS
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to take the moment here for granted
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to not notice the little things within and as the moment
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to be so caught up within my own desires that i could not see what is right in front of me: life itself!
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to only care about the picture, about how i look, instead of who i am as the little things
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to want and desire to be great, to want my expression to be great
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to desire attention from others for my expression and within that limiting myself to only what i think would receive positive attention, thus keeping me blind to the true expression that is HERE , to my true potential, within and as gratefulness as what is here
i forgive myself for never having accepted and allowed myself to experience gratefulness
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to only experience greed, and to, within that, consume all that exist because of my greed, because of my desires
i forgive myself for having accepted andallowed myself to feel a constant feeling of being unsatisfied, unfulfilled, uncomplete, because i keep looking for something great and because i dont see the greatness of me within gratefulness of here
i forgiv emyself for having accepted and allowed myself to remain stuck within constructs and limited ego system expression when i could be so cool in expressing myself here unconditionally,
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to limit myself to thought, as the onedimensional and limited expression of the mind, which is the desire to be great but within that it is really insignificant, non existent even
forgiv emyself for having accepted and allowed myself to desire, then, as that thought, to receive recognition, so i can at least feel great, and not have to realise my insignificant truth
i forgive myself for not allowing myself to see my expression within eternity, within the truth of me which is eternity, instead of trying to reach a short feeling, which i then call expression, or life, but which is actually a pathetic excuse for an expression
dinsdag 3 februari 2009
donderdag 29 januari 2009
the past
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to rehash the past
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to remain stuck in the past
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty about who i have allowed myself to become and things i did towards other people in the past
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think i have to forever more feel guilty about 'stupid' things i did in the past
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to keep living in guilt about things i did towards others in the past
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to punish myself by remembering the past to keep showing myself what a stupid and worthless being i am
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to keep bringing past memories back to the present moment, some that make me feel ashamed and others that make me feel good about myself, and stay then in this constant cycle of the past, constantly litterally reliving the past as reactions as thoughts feelings and emotions
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that i dont deserve to be absolutely HERE, as the birth of life within and as each moment HERE, but that i have to keep feeling guilty about the past, that i have to keep on remembering what an awfull being i have been
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think and believe that other people expect me to feel guilty
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame my experiences in my life on others and therefore expect them to blame me also
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to want others to feel bad about what they supposedly did to me, and therefore believe that i also have to feel bad about what i supposedly did to others
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as regret about the past
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not take responsability for the past by judging it
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing msyelf to judge my expressions in the past and to judge people that i ve met in the past
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to keep thinking about people from the past
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear change
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing msyelf to see the past as safety
i forgive myself for accepting and allowng msyelf to see the mind as my safe haven, my safe place
where i shut myself off from all my surroundings by living in my private little world based on past moments that i keep rehashing
i forgive myself for acceptin and allowing myself to define myself according to the past
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think i have to pay for all the stupidity from my past, by reminding myself of that stupidity as memories
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that others want me to pay that others are judging and condemning me
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to want others to like me and to think that i depend on the approval of others, and that i cant be myself unless others say it is ok, because i feel so guilty about what i had done in the past that i think i cant grant myself to opportunity to be HERE, absolute and free within every new moment of breath
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that i have to be granted freedom, that others have to release me from the prison of the mind by telling me it is ok
ikkeikekek
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to rehash the past
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to remain stuck in the past
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty about who i have allowed myself to become and things i did towards other people in the past
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think i have to forever more feel guilty about 'stupid' things i did in the past
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to keep living in guilt about things i did towards others in the past
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to punish myself by remembering the past to keep showing myself what a stupid and worthless being i am
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to keep bringing past memories back to the present moment, some that make me feel ashamed and others that make me feel good about myself, and stay then in this constant cycle of the past, constantly litterally reliving the past as reactions as thoughts feelings and emotions
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that i dont deserve to be absolutely HERE, as the birth of life within and as each moment HERE, but that i have to keep feeling guilty about the past, that i have to keep on remembering what an awfull being i have been
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think and believe that other people expect me to feel guilty
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame my experiences in my life on others and therefore expect them to blame me also
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to want others to feel bad about what they supposedly did to me, and therefore believe that i also have to feel bad about what i supposedly did to others
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as regret about the past
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not take responsability for the past by judging it
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing msyelf to judge my expressions in the past and to judge people that i ve met in the past
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to keep thinking about people from the past
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear change
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing msyelf to see the past as safety
i forgive myself for accepting and allowng msyelf to see the mind as my safe haven, my safe place
where i shut myself off from all my surroundings by living in my private little world based on past moments that i keep rehashing
i forgive myself for acceptin and allowing myself to define myself according to the past
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think i have to pay for all the stupidity from my past, by reminding myself of that stupidity as memories
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that others want me to pay that others are judging and condemning me
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to want others to like me and to think that i depend on the approval of others, and that i cant be myself unless others say it is ok, because i feel so guilty about what i had done in the past that i think i cant grant myself to opportunity to be HERE, absolute and free within every new moment of breath
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that i have to be granted freedom, that others have to release me from the prison of the mind by telling me it is ok
ikkeikekek
maandag 19 januari 2009
my biggest desire: relationship with a man
it s been consuming me my entire life, completely. when i was around a friend of mine, who i felt attracted to, i would tense up completely and enirely suppress my expression. i would just be this tense stress ball of anxiety and exitement.
it was actually a horrible experience, but at the same time i loved it and i was addicted to it. jeezes, that s love....
so, now, there s this guy who lives across the hall from my studio and now his music is playing and i m feeling tense again, i even feel like going over there and saying to 'shut off the goddamn music' because hearing the music reminds me of 'there is a guy living there', reminds me of that separation i ve allowed within myself.
but ofcourse i would never ever go over there and say something like that because i am so afraid of rejection by men.
i forgive myself for allowing myself to exist within and as separation between me as defined woman an men as defined men/masculine
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to be addicted to the seeming separation between men and women based on picture presentation
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to fear men and to push men away from me because i so desire relationships and that is only possible when there is resistance as separation
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to resist masculinity within myself
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to resist the mind consciousness system within myself as structure as masculine
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to define a man s appearance as strength, wise, superior, attractive, handsome
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to express myself entirely based on trying to attract men
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to limit my expression because i used my expression to try to attract men
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to fear my own expression because i wanted and desired a man's recognition and attention and so i feared 'failing', i feared being rejected by men
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to doubt my expression because i trusted men because i judged them as superior
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to believe a mans expression to be superior to mine
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to desire a mans attention because i believed that i can only be worthy of living when a man recognises and notices that i exist
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to believe that if a man were to reject me, i am not worthy of life and i am a worthless person
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to desire a man to support me and direct me and notice me
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to feel completely tense and exited when my eyes spot the picture of a man/youngman in my reality because i desire to be noticed by that man, i desire to be noticed as a 'unique woman'
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to desire sex with the picture presentation of a man/youngman, that resembles my father: slender, muscled body, handsome face
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to define myself as 'not good enough' 'not pretty enough' for men and then believe myself to be the manifestation of 'not good enough'
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to define myself as dumb, stupid, inferior, weak
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that i have nothing to say of value to a man, that what i have to say is less than what a man says or does
i forgive myselff or having accepted and allowed myself to look up to my dad and believe my expression to be less than his
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to carry on this relationship with all other men in my reality, for ever feeling inferior and less than men
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to suppress myself entirely when there is a man/youngman around, especially when he resembles my father, because i desire to be noticed and recognised by this man/youngman, because i believe that i am only worthy when a man approves of my existence
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to define the appearance of a man as superior
than a woman's appearance
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to judge a vagina as inferior to a penis
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to desire my vagina being penetrated by a penis of a man as i see that as the ultimate recognition that i can get: the apparant amalgamation with masculinity as that which i have suppressed within myself
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to desire staying in this self defined weakness and desire for relationship with a man as defined strength
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to desire approval for my expression from men
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to have a tense expression, and controlled expression that does not flow because i try to 'be good' 'good enough' for men
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to try to prove that i am good enough, as good as men
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to actually believe that i cannot stand alone within this reality, that i require a man to support me
i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to trust myself as self expression as breath as the moment because i ve allowed myself to believe that men have power over me and that they must approve of my expression for it to be ok and 'good enough'
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to supress masculinity within myself and then judge my expression supposedly thru the eyes of men in my reality, when in fact it is me judging myself, thru the eyes of the mind as the masculinity i ve separated from myself
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to feel alone and weak when i feel and think that i have no man in my world that stands by me, that notices me
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to live as a word that i defined myself to : weakness, lostness, inferiority, powerless
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to project all of my power on the picture presentation of men and then believe that they have power over me just by their presence in my reality and that that is the way it is
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to fear men
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from anton by desiring his body, as how i see it with my human physical eyes as apparantly separate from my body
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to the energetic friction that i experience when i see the apparant separation between a mans and a womans body as picture presentations
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to desire amalgamating with the picture presentation of a man and not realising that it is impossible, even thru sex, it is impossible
i forgiv emyself for not having accepted and allowed myself to take responsability for my reactions when i see a man s picture presentation within the realisation that it is me creating the reactions and the definitions, it is me creating the experience of myself within my reality
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to expect a man to support and notice me
i forgive myself for not allowing myself to just accept a man as who he is as an expression of life as one and equal with me here
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to desire being adored by a man
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to see myself as inferior because i define the feminine expression as inferior to the masculine expression
i forgive myself for allowing myself to push men away and to resist men because i simply do not want to realise that in fact i am one and equal to all picture presentations as what i see with my human physical eyes
i forgive myself ffor having allowed myself to give meaning to the picture presentation of men in my world because i wanted to use it to satisfy my desires, i wanted to use the definitions i myself had created over this picture, so i wanted to use this being to fulfill a role within my self created illusion as the mind so i could exist as a mind consciousness system as desires
within and as separation
till here and no further:
i exist within and as aloneness
i trust myself within and as aloneness
i accept myself within and as aloneness
i stop looking and searching for a partner, for a relationship with a man
i am masculinity and femininity amalgamated as one as life within myself
i am self love
i am self acceptance
i am the moment
i am unconditional self expression
i am unwaveringly stable, i am stability, i am constant as breath
i am not desire
i am not polarity frictions
i am truly stable and constant
within and as every and each moment of breath
i am HERE
i am self direction within the absolute constantness of HERE of breath
i am assertiveness within and as self movement within and as stability and constantness of breath
i realise that all is me, so i move me HERE and i direct me HERE
i accept myself as the singularity, as the one that is the all as HERE
i respect myself as the one as oneness and equality
i respect my body as myself within and as oneness and equality
i realise that my body is the universe
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to always disregard my body, by misusing/abusing it, because i only judged how it looked on the outside, and in doing so, i disregarde life as who i am, as my beingness which cannot be seen nor judged
i accept myself as the being that i am, as beingness, not as judgements, not as picture presentation that exist within separation
i do not allow or accept any separation based on judgements within myself anymore
i realise that i am the centre of my world, and i am responsible for the experience of myself within and as my world as i am self responsibility as life
i am not a system that is the manifestation of the giving away of responsability by existing within separation of myself
i am sound, i am whole, i am complete as who i am HERE, i am absolute
and i move myself within the absoluteness and directness and assertiveness and specificity of life as life within myself
i do not allow myself to doubt myself
i do not allow myself to doubt oneness and equality
i accept myself as oneness and equality as life as breath as simplicity
i realise that the system does not exist, rules and fear and future does not exist
i exist and i am HERE in and as the moment as self honesty as who i really am as all as one as equal HERE and i direct myself HERE within and as the specificity of life as the life within myself
i am specificity, as the specific nature of self movement, i move myself to do what is best for all as one as equal, to do what is necessairy to be done to practically stand within and as this world as all as one as equal from here unto infinity
i am infinity within and as each breath
it s been consuming me my entire life, completely. when i was around a friend of mine, who i felt attracted to, i would tense up completely and enirely suppress my expression. i would just be this tense stress ball of anxiety and exitement.
it was actually a horrible experience, but at the same time i loved it and i was addicted to it. jeezes, that s love....
so, now, there s this guy who lives across the hall from my studio and now his music is playing and i m feeling tense again, i even feel like going over there and saying to 'shut off the goddamn music' because hearing the music reminds me of 'there is a guy living there', reminds me of that separation i ve allowed within myself.
but ofcourse i would never ever go over there and say something like that because i am so afraid of rejection by men.
i forgive myself for allowing myself to exist within and as separation between me as defined woman an men as defined men/masculine
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to be addicted to the seeming separation between men and women based on picture presentation
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to fear men and to push men away from me because i so desire relationships and that is only possible when there is resistance as separation
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to resist masculinity within myself
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to resist the mind consciousness system within myself as structure as masculine
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to define a man s appearance as strength, wise, superior, attractive, handsome
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to express myself entirely based on trying to attract men
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to limit my expression because i used my expression to try to attract men
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to fear my own expression because i wanted and desired a man's recognition and attention and so i feared 'failing', i feared being rejected by men
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to doubt my expression because i trusted men because i judged them as superior
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to believe a mans expression to be superior to mine
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to desire a mans attention because i believed that i can only be worthy of living when a man recognises and notices that i exist
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to believe that if a man were to reject me, i am not worthy of life and i am a worthless person
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to desire a man to support me and direct me and notice me
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to feel completely tense and exited when my eyes spot the picture of a man/youngman in my reality because i desire to be noticed by that man, i desire to be noticed as a 'unique woman'
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to desire sex with the picture presentation of a man/youngman, that resembles my father: slender, muscled body, handsome face
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to define myself as 'not good enough' 'not pretty enough' for men and then believe myself to be the manifestation of 'not good enough'
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to define myself as dumb, stupid, inferior, weak
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that i have nothing to say of value to a man, that what i have to say is less than what a man says or does
i forgive myselff or having accepted and allowed myself to look up to my dad and believe my expression to be less than his
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to carry on this relationship with all other men in my reality, for ever feeling inferior and less than men
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to suppress myself entirely when there is a man/youngman around, especially when he resembles my father, because i desire to be noticed and recognised by this man/youngman, because i believe that i am only worthy when a man approves of my existence
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to define the appearance of a man as superior
than a woman's appearance
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to judge a vagina as inferior to a penis
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to desire my vagina being penetrated by a penis of a man as i see that as the ultimate recognition that i can get: the apparant amalgamation with masculinity as that which i have suppressed within myself
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to desire staying in this self defined weakness and desire for relationship with a man as defined strength
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to desire approval for my expression from men
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to have a tense expression, and controlled expression that does not flow because i try to 'be good' 'good enough' for men
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to try to prove that i am good enough, as good as men
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to actually believe that i cannot stand alone within this reality, that i require a man to support me
i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to trust myself as self expression as breath as the moment because i ve allowed myself to believe that men have power over me and that they must approve of my expression for it to be ok and 'good enough'
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to supress masculinity within myself and then judge my expression supposedly thru the eyes of men in my reality, when in fact it is me judging myself, thru the eyes of the mind as the masculinity i ve separated from myself
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to feel alone and weak when i feel and think that i have no man in my world that stands by me, that notices me
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to live as a word that i defined myself to : weakness, lostness, inferiority, powerless
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to project all of my power on the picture presentation of men and then believe that they have power over me just by their presence in my reality and that that is the way it is
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to fear men
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from anton by desiring his body, as how i see it with my human physical eyes as apparantly separate from my body
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to the energetic friction that i experience when i see the apparant separation between a mans and a womans body as picture presentations
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to desire amalgamating with the picture presentation of a man and not realising that it is impossible, even thru sex, it is impossible
i forgiv emyself for not having accepted and allowed myself to take responsability for my reactions when i see a man s picture presentation within the realisation that it is me creating the reactions and the definitions, it is me creating the experience of myself within my reality
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to expect a man to support and notice me
i forgive myself for not allowing myself to just accept a man as who he is as an expression of life as one and equal with me here
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to desire being adored by a man
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to see myself as inferior because i define the feminine expression as inferior to the masculine expression
i forgive myself for allowing myself to push men away and to resist men because i simply do not want to realise that in fact i am one and equal to all picture presentations as what i see with my human physical eyes
i forgive myself ffor having allowed myself to give meaning to the picture presentation of men in my world because i wanted to use it to satisfy my desires, i wanted to use the definitions i myself had created over this picture, so i wanted to use this being to fulfill a role within my self created illusion as the mind so i could exist as a mind consciousness system as desires
within and as separation
till here and no further:
i exist within and as aloneness
i trust myself within and as aloneness
i accept myself within and as aloneness
i stop looking and searching for a partner, for a relationship with a man
i am masculinity and femininity amalgamated as one as life within myself
i am self love
i am self acceptance
i am the moment
i am unconditional self expression
i am unwaveringly stable, i am stability, i am constant as breath
i am not desire
i am not polarity frictions
i am truly stable and constant
within and as every and each moment of breath
i am HERE
i am self direction within the absolute constantness of HERE of breath
i am assertiveness within and as self movement within and as stability and constantness of breath
i realise that all is me, so i move me HERE and i direct me HERE
i accept myself as the singularity, as the one that is the all as HERE
i respect myself as the one as oneness and equality
i respect my body as myself within and as oneness and equality
i realise that my body is the universe
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to always disregard my body, by misusing/abusing it, because i only judged how it looked on the outside, and in doing so, i disregarde life as who i am, as my beingness which cannot be seen nor judged
i accept myself as the being that i am, as beingness, not as judgements, not as picture presentation that exist within separation
i do not allow or accept any separation based on judgements within myself anymore
i realise that i am the centre of my world, and i am responsible for the experience of myself within and as my world as i am self responsibility as life
i am not a system that is the manifestation of the giving away of responsability by existing within separation of myself
i am sound, i am whole, i am complete as who i am HERE, i am absolute
and i move myself within the absoluteness and directness and assertiveness and specificity of life as life within myself
i do not allow myself to doubt myself
i do not allow myself to doubt oneness and equality
i accept myself as oneness and equality as life as breath as simplicity
i realise that the system does not exist, rules and fear and future does not exist
i exist and i am HERE in and as the moment as self honesty as who i really am as all as one as equal HERE and i direct myself HERE within and as the specificity of life as the life within myself
i am specificity, as the specific nature of self movement, i move myself to do what is best for all as one as equal, to do what is necessairy to be done to practically stand within and as this world as all as one as equal from here unto infinity
i am infinity within and as each breath
zondag 18 januari 2009
it is almost unbelievable for me that i dont have to 'fit in' that i dont have to belong to any group, that my expression does not have to look like the expression of others.
i ve for so long, since childhood, desperately been attempting to fit in, to be like the others, i ve felt really alone, left out, i felt like i did not belong, like i was 'wrong'. i really believed that that is the way it is supposed to be, i HAVE to look like others, i HAVE to be like others.i never considered self expression, who i am, my actual beingness. the actuality of being and existing HERE, which is so simply HERE.
it seems deeply ingrained, the feeling of being inferior to others, and having to fit in. i copied that from my father and grandfather, the desire to be normal and have lots of friends and be accepted by others. the beliefsystem of being a system, of being something that HAS to look like other beings, other humans. and the fear of not looking like the rest, the big fear of not expressing myself like the rest.
so, i have always only ever compared myself to others, that s all i ever did, because i so feared being 'abnormal', 'not fitting in'. when i walk thru town, with all the people there, i m constantly trying to see what their opinion of me is, do they find me normal or abnormal. and i have a lot of times felt really alone and rejected and left out because of my own ideas and definitions about myself as supposedly weird and not normal.
which, i suppose, i created, because i wanted to be unique on the other end. yet at the same time i wanted to be the same as every one else. how impossible my existence was.
i really like the smell of my sweaty armpits. i wonder why? or like the sweat between my but cheeks, lol, it s not civilized to speak about this, but it is the truth.
i suppose because it is the actual real nature of sexuality, it is the smell of my desire for relationships. it is the basis of my being, the thing i am obsessed with: sex and relationships. because sex is actually just sweat and organs/limbs brushing against each other. that is what sex really is, all the rest, like desire, and romance and love, that is bullshit, or sex as building up towards something, how absurd.
i thought that this proces was also me building up towards something, but it was the other way around, i just had to drop the shit. i could have done that from the very beginning as it is so easy and simplistic. it is just stopping everything, stopping every feeling of 'i have to' or 'i must', dropping every fear and with that every desire, dropping the entire 'human nature', all of the supposed 'rules'.
i guess that everything in this world has become like sex: the attempt to built 'up' towards something, which is called 'evolution'.the attempt to reach something somewhere in the future, in the nearby or distant future. the search for a feeling, an experience, like an orgasm.
within my expression i always feel like there are things i must do, like 'i have to write this or that', i have to do it this way or that way, i have to eat a cookie now, i have to go to the cinema in two hours with my mother, because it was planned and now i am thinking about it, so it has become a desire, a 'have to'. and not just a self expression, self expression is basically has nothing to do with what i am doing or how it looks or how it could be described, like: 'i am now typing a text on blogger and i am going to publish it, i know others can read it and i am typing about what i experience in my process and maybe others can relate to it'. that is a description of what i am doing and is not real, what is real is me breathing, hitting the keys of the keyboard with my fingers. that is the only thing that is really real, pretty simplistic, yet, but it is so. and that is what self expression is, that is who i am, that is the only thing that is not defineable, that is not opinion-based, that can not be argued with or discussed, because it simply IS.
and from the moment that i try to form an opinion or definition or description of what i just did, of my expression in the previous moment, i am lost again within my desire of trying to create something of myself that is not real, a ghost, an illustion.
so, all i can trust, is my body, my breath, my presence as HERE, that is all. i can try to write this text for others to understand, but that is an idea of mine, i have actually no idea if what i write is understandable at all. i might be blabbering crazy talk, as i am in my mind, i would not be able to actually know if i am sane or insane, i try to compare myself to others in an attempt to determine wether i am sane or insane or normal or abnormal. but, really, the only way of actually knowing for certain that i am not 'insane', that i am not lost in an illusionairy world, is if i am completely HERE, within and as my human physical body, constant, breathing, aware of every moment of breath, aware of the sensations of my body that is me HERE. all the rest, what i am typing, it is not real because i cannot tell for certain that my words are infact 'sane' or 'insane'. so, that does not matter.
so, that is not self expression, the words i write and how they can be read, it is the very act of typing, or the very act of speaking, or the very act of reading, that is self expression.
and in that, no one being can be special, how can you be jealous of a beingness, jealousy is when you only focus on what the result of a beings expression was, as something you can see with your human physical eyes. which is actually your own opinions and judgemenst that you place on this that you see with your own eyes.
yet you dont consider the beingness, and that would imply that you dont consider your own beingness, that your own expression is also only to make other beings jealous, to show off.
that is why animals are so underestimated, because we dont see them building up empires, we dont see them building shit up, like we do, we dont actually see animals do anything at all. so to us, they are like 'dead' inside, because we only focus on the outside. we, humans, have become the 'outside' and disregard what is real, which is the inside, which cannot be seen. a being to us is alive, when we SEE it doing shit. when it produces something. that s why only adults are respected in this world, because they produce, they have become outside presentations, they ve become fully outside. children are still inside, they are no use to the 'outsiders'.
i ve for so long, since childhood, desperately been attempting to fit in, to be like the others, i ve felt really alone, left out, i felt like i did not belong, like i was 'wrong'. i really believed that that is the way it is supposed to be, i HAVE to look like others, i HAVE to be like others.i never considered self expression, who i am, my actual beingness. the actuality of being and existing HERE, which is so simply HERE.
it seems deeply ingrained, the feeling of being inferior to others, and having to fit in. i copied that from my father and grandfather, the desire to be normal and have lots of friends and be accepted by others. the beliefsystem of being a system, of being something that HAS to look like other beings, other humans. and the fear of not looking like the rest, the big fear of not expressing myself like the rest.
so, i have always only ever compared myself to others, that s all i ever did, because i so feared being 'abnormal', 'not fitting in'. when i walk thru town, with all the people there, i m constantly trying to see what their opinion of me is, do they find me normal or abnormal. and i have a lot of times felt really alone and rejected and left out because of my own ideas and definitions about myself as supposedly weird and not normal.
which, i suppose, i created, because i wanted to be unique on the other end. yet at the same time i wanted to be the same as every one else. how impossible my existence was.
i really like the smell of my sweaty armpits. i wonder why? or like the sweat between my but cheeks, lol, it s not civilized to speak about this, but it is the truth.
i suppose because it is the actual real nature of sexuality, it is the smell of my desire for relationships. it is the basis of my being, the thing i am obsessed with: sex and relationships. because sex is actually just sweat and organs/limbs brushing against each other. that is what sex really is, all the rest, like desire, and romance and love, that is bullshit, or sex as building up towards something, how absurd.
i thought that this proces was also me building up towards something, but it was the other way around, i just had to drop the shit. i could have done that from the very beginning as it is so easy and simplistic. it is just stopping everything, stopping every feeling of 'i have to' or 'i must', dropping every fear and with that every desire, dropping the entire 'human nature', all of the supposed 'rules'.
i guess that everything in this world has become like sex: the attempt to built 'up' towards something, which is called 'evolution'.the attempt to reach something somewhere in the future, in the nearby or distant future. the search for a feeling, an experience, like an orgasm.
within my expression i always feel like there are things i must do, like 'i have to write this or that', i have to do it this way or that way, i have to eat a cookie now, i have to go to the cinema in two hours with my mother, because it was planned and now i am thinking about it, so it has become a desire, a 'have to'. and not just a self expression, self expression is basically has nothing to do with what i am doing or how it looks or how it could be described, like: 'i am now typing a text on blogger and i am going to publish it, i know others can read it and i am typing about what i experience in my process and maybe others can relate to it'. that is a description of what i am doing and is not real, what is real is me breathing, hitting the keys of the keyboard with my fingers. that is the only thing that is really real, pretty simplistic, yet, but it is so. and that is what self expression is, that is who i am, that is the only thing that is not defineable, that is not opinion-based, that can not be argued with or discussed, because it simply IS.
and from the moment that i try to form an opinion or definition or description of what i just did, of my expression in the previous moment, i am lost again within my desire of trying to create something of myself that is not real, a ghost, an illustion.
so, all i can trust, is my body, my breath, my presence as HERE, that is all. i can try to write this text for others to understand, but that is an idea of mine, i have actually no idea if what i write is understandable at all. i might be blabbering crazy talk, as i am in my mind, i would not be able to actually know if i am sane or insane, i try to compare myself to others in an attempt to determine wether i am sane or insane or normal or abnormal. but, really, the only way of actually knowing for certain that i am not 'insane', that i am not lost in an illusionairy world, is if i am completely HERE, within and as my human physical body, constant, breathing, aware of every moment of breath, aware of the sensations of my body that is me HERE. all the rest, what i am typing, it is not real because i cannot tell for certain that my words are infact 'sane' or 'insane'. so, that does not matter.
so, that is not self expression, the words i write and how they can be read, it is the very act of typing, or the very act of speaking, or the very act of reading, that is self expression.
and in that, no one being can be special, how can you be jealous of a beingness, jealousy is when you only focus on what the result of a beings expression was, as something you can see with your human physical eyes. which is actually your own opinions and judgemenst that you place on this that you see with your own eyes.
yet you dont consider the beingness, and that would imply that you dont consider your own beingness, that your own expression is also only to make other beings jealous, to show off.
that is why animals are so underestimated, because we dont see them building up empires, we dont see them building shit up, like we do, we dont actually see animals do anything at all. so to us, they are like 'dead' inside, because we only focus on the outside. we, humans, have become the 'outside' and disregard what is real, which is the inside, which cannot be seen. a being to us is alive, when we SEE it doing shit. when it produces something. that s why only adults are respected in this world, because they produce, they have become outside presentations, they ve become fully outside. children are still inside, they are no use to the 'outsiders'.
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