zaterdag 28 september 2019

Tormod Colors

 Beingness Color:

 Color expression:

Straightforward movement, seeing the simplicity of things and moving/expressing self within and as that simplicity. Seeing/cutting straight through to the heart of things - bypassing any and all of what the mind conjects and conjures up which tends to over-complicate things and makes things seem more complex than they really are. Not hearing, listening to or paying any heed to the mind's attempts to create 'more' out of what is simply here as reality.

A firm standing within oneself, feet planted firmly onto and within the ground. Very down-to-earth and grounded. Not easily swayed or influenced by the mind's tendency to create illusions, distortions and additions to reality. A clear grasp of what's real and a very 'no-nonsense' expression, movement and standing of oneself.

Mind polar opposite:

The point would then be to essentially get lost into all sorts of mind programmings - like doubt, uncertainty, lingering, then judgment, blame, etcetera - to get sidetracked from the actual 'heart of things' , from what's real and what matters which is for instance to just physically move yourself and do the garden work - from the simplicity of reality as physical movement

sS essentially it looks like your mind polar opposite is to go into 'complexity' of and as the mind, as your beingness expression is in fact the reverse of that as simplicity.

I mean with you having schizophrenia as having multiple 'minds' it's like you are living the epitome of complexity in and as the mind.

External support:  living room cupboard (how I direct the things inside me)

 Support Color:

 Color Expression:

The depth of the ocean where everything is silent and still within and as the eternal stillness of self. The awareness and understanding that life is birthed from that stillness and that self must first return to that stillness. Realizing that self-expression exists within and as the stillness of self and that stillness is cultivated and developed through physical labor - being more in the body than in the mind.

External support: Dining room table (my self-stability)

Color you're living now:

New Expression Color:

Kurt Colors

Color you're living now:

 Color expression:
Alertness, aliveness, sharp, fresh, awake. Very in tune with and knowing your way around the money system. savvy and knowing. Very business-sharp. Good at seeing the things that's needed to survive and working the system in order to do it.

 Moving, pushing forward, running, force of life, to go through challenges, to pick up the responsibility, to take on my shoulders. Being the point of support, "I have to take care of ...(my family)" and having the ability to do so.

Rushing, being in energy, "yes lets go!". Considering everything and then rushing into it and then finally hitting my head as consequence.

Pull of energy as rushing to something new as part of an ideal, wanting certain things and pushing certain things and not considering things and then getting stuck.

Rush of energy as a sense of power  within having an overview of and insight into the system and being able to see what needs to be done to move the system in the right way for you to get from it what you want/need and having the ability to attract money to myself. Having the right skills, assertiveness to be successful in the system.

Even though you have the ability to see how things work and see clearly what needs to be done, because of the energy, you actually end up compromising things.

So this skill/ability of seeing and having oversight of how the system works and what is needed to move the parts you need to move to create a specific result is very cool. The issue is the starting point of energy from which you motivate and move yourself, where you then end up creating consequences as you were 'blinded by the energy'.

'Chasing highs' and losing yourself within chasing the 'highs' of power/money/success. Consequences of chasing the highs of energy within moving yourself in the system is to eventually go into depression, feeling defeated, feeling inferior and not good enough.

 Support color:

This color will support you with how to direct and change the energy starting point within your ability of seeing/moving the system.

Color expression:
The world is your oyster. Everything is on my feet and i just need to step in and do the actions.

  Moving with more consideration. Gratefulness within addressing and directing what is here. Being more assertive. Considering more what is in physical reality. Having more the big picture without the energy to put all the pieces together to align reality to push, move, address and do the movements.

To spread my ability within more areas. Not taking so many risks. Removing the danger. Moving more within a smarter point as being more secure in what I'm doing. Doing my actions based on physical cross-checking several times. Having my actions verified and validated. Trusting my self, my decisions, of what I am doing much more. Self-trust, self-movement, self-expression, self-forgiving, clearing myself in my past and in my ways.

Correcting the starting point from moving from the mind as energy as chasing highs to being ok with self, embracing and accepting and forgiving self. Realizing that I am enough as I am here.

External support: business shirt(who I am in relation to the system) , scarf/sjawl(how I express myself in relation to this world), umbrella (how I shelter/protect/care for myself)

 Beingness color:

zaterdag 21 september 2019

Anton Colors

Beingness colors:


Beingness expression: Very grounded, stable, unmistakably, undeniably here, like the earth, the dirt and the ground is here. No positives, no desires, no 'frills'. Very 'in touch with' the simplicity, groundedness, stability, uncomplicatedness of life. Not going into highs of energy/excitedness or wants/needs/desires but being at peace with the simplicity of and as earth/ground.
Unconditionally supportive as the earth/ground. The embodiment of support and simplicity as earth. An acceptance of self as the fabric of the universe, the dirt and ground of and as earth as life, as that which makes up life itself, that which is the very ground from which life emerges.

External Support: Living room table (that which stands as the center point of 'support' within the living room)

Mind polar opposite: feeling dependent on other people. creating that experience/perception of 'lack' of having foundation/support as represented within the mind by 'family' and 'relationships'. So the belief/perception of 'I have no family/relationships so therefore I have no support/foundation in this world or in myself', 'and therefore I cannot feel stable/at ease/comfortable'.

By accepting all those mind systems as beliefs, perceptions, reactions, you allow yourself to 'undermine' your self-foundation - as you allow yourself to 'fall' into the emotional experiences of loneliness, lostness, lack of support, giving up, depression, sadness, despair.

From mind polar opposite to beingness expression: you'll basically have to, in moments when you see yourself going into that point of desire and want for relationships/family within and as the belief that "to have relationships/family = support" and the emotional experiences of loneliness, lostness, lack of support, sadness, depression, giving up, despair - live the word support within and as you as a living word, as a point of not accepting yourself to 'fall' into the emotions and undermine your stability/foundation but remaining stable in the face of what the mind brings up - where, the point of self-support is the point of 'holding yourself up'/'holding yourself together' rather than allowing yourself to fall apart when it comes to emotions.


Beingness expression: An excitedness about expression. An appreciation for expression. Celebrating expression. Making space, making room for expression to take place and form. A nurturing, supporting and gentle guidance of expression. A joy within watching expression form and take place. "I am OK with simply being a point of support for life's expression to grow and take shape." "I am the soil from which expression may grow and I will nurture and nourish like the earth nourishes that which grows upon it."

 Nothing is left out. A warmness that is unconditional and unlimited.

External Support: T-shirt(what I stand for and show of me to the world), Jacket(what I represent as my living statement), backpack/briefcase (how I carry myself)

 Mind polar opposite: 
non-involvement, non-participation as a suppression of self due to a fear of getting hurt.
Participating in self-judgment wherein you create the point of 'hurt' within yourself.

Support color: 

Deep red

Supportive expression: Recognizing, embracing and being in touch with the depth of self. Developing/having a strong relationship with self. Being very intimate with oneself on a deep level. Having ones self-relationship as ones primary focus. Being very passionate about developing, nurturing, exploring and strengthening ones self-relationship. Not allowing anything or anyone else come before or in between ones self-relationship. "Being in a deep embrace with oneself."

From mind polar opposite to beingness expression: So with this color being a 'support color' for you, specifically in relation to that experience of 'hurt' within yourself from which you suppress yourself, essentially it's about being more authoritive about what you accept and allow to exist within you.

 To nurture and strengthen your self-relationship is to look inward at how you are treating yourself and to let go of all the experiences, thoughts and basically everything inside of yourself where you see that you are being hurtful, neglectful and abusive with yourself.

so it's essentially still about living the word support. to be more supportive with yourself, rather than allowing yourself to fall into emotional experiences wherein you 'hurt' yourself.

External support: socks (how I walk in this world)
so wearing socks in this color would be like making a statement and decision that 'how I walk in this world' is within placing my self-relationship first.

New Expression Color

Rosy pink

Carol colors

Beingness colors:

earthy orange:

 Beingness expression: all-embracing, unconditionally and absolutely embracing all as me, not seeing or finding fault in anything or anyone, not having any 'sharp edges' towards anything or anyone. Like the sun, unconditionally giving warmth equally without expecting anything in return. Like the sun, standing as the center around which all of life revolves - knowing that "I am the center of all things, I need not move for anything as I am all there is".

Gentle, flow, playful, fun

External support: sweaters(how you embrace yourself), eyeshadow(how you see yourself)

Mind polar opposite: 
Believing that "I need to do things to be complete". Survival mind. Belief that 'i must move. I must do things". Belief that who I am here is not whole. Seeing holes in yourself instead as points wherein you are 'not good enough' and 'not yet how you should be'. Wanting to be a good mother/wife/friend/person as ideas in the mind. The hole is 'i am a bad mother/wife/friend/person and therefore i need to do something to be a good mother/wife/friend/person'  or 'i am fat so i need to do things in order to feel good about myself'.

separating the 'sun' as you as a being by creating ideas in the mind representing 'wholeness'
fear of being punished for enjoying/expressing self here, as fear of facing emotions of shame, embarrassment, guilt.

Being very harsh/hard on yourself, not accepting self, seeing 'holes' in self, judging self, being very 'sharp-edged' towards yourself.

From mind polar opposite to beingness expression: In moments when you see yourself going into and participating in the ideas in the mind about 'who/how I should be and what I need to do as a good wife/mother/friend/person' accompanied by an experience of stress/urgency/worry, bring your focus to how you are not living that 'wholeness' as represented by the ideas within yourself internally in your relationship with self. Are there emotional experiences within yourself that you are reacting to instead of embracing and accepting as parts of self - such as shame, guilt, embarrassment, anger?

Then move yourself to live the word wholeness by making the decision to unconditionally embrace those parts of you which you are judging, suppressing and reacting to - becoming and making yourself 'whole' by embracing all of what exists within you as parts of you.

sunny yellow:

Beingness expression: sunshine = warm, pleasant, enjoyable, you feel like you want to get out and about and live and express. Easygoing, relaxed, without any complications. Easy, breezy, lazy, sunny day. Everything I need is here. I am standing with my roots firmly into the earth, I can just relax, settle into and enjoy what's here because I don't need anything else. Everything is warm and embracing. There's no reason to do anything or move because all of life is here. There's no guilt, no judgment, no right or wrong, there's only this unconditional embracing warmth that is unconditionally accepting, embracing and nurturing, like the sun.
Very accommodating, like you would be in a very warm blanket. Very soft movement. Like a gentle caress like a wind that gently moves across your skin. Very light and airy. There is like a knowing that "I am OK". Like a mother embracing a child and the mother going, "you're OK".

External support: Pants(how you walk in this world), shawl/scarf(how you warm yourself), jacket(your living statement)

 Mind polar opposite:

Always feeling like i have to do things. And when i am doing things, like i am watching a movie, I will feel guilty and ashamed about it because i judge my starting point within it. so there is like a constant movement within me and i don't allow myself to enjoy the things that I enjoy without feeling guilty cause i'll think that "This is not important, there are other things I should be doing that are more important. Out there, for other people."

I don't ever experience a moment of being "OK", of not being rushed. Most of the times I am rushed to fill the holes within myself. I have this sinking feeling, like a part of myself i need to fulfill all the time. As though I am never enough. How can I be enough for myself? How can I be here and be whole without going crazy over all the things I am not doing? Like i need to do certain things in order to feel good about myself. Like there is no way I will every feel whole unless I do things 'out there'. I have never looked at it from this starting point of asking myself "am I whole?" and placing myself as the starting point.

I feel so scattered and so all over the place that oftentimes I don't know where to start. And when I do set a goal for myself of what I want to create, like i want to learn to play guitar, then I go into guilt and shame and regret and embarrassment because I feel like it's taking time away from what I should rather be doing, like spending time with Kurt and the kids.

 From mind Polar opposite to Beingness Expression:

In the moments when you catch yourself in the rushed experience where you are thinking about what you should do with yourself in order to feel better about yourself - realize, see and understand that there are emotions within yourself, the regret, guilt, shame, embarrassment, that you are trying to escape from.

So in that moment, you stop and embrace yourself, embrace the emotions. Where, you'll still continue doing what you were doing or about to do, but you'll simultaneously be practicing embracing you and so correcting your starting point from perceiving yourself as 'not good enough' to unconditional self-acceptance. 

Support color: 

Carrot orange:

Supportive expression:  intensity, emergency. Moving yourself with intensity and emergency. Gotta get moving! Now, not later! Moving self with focus, intent and purpose. Standing as centered yet also moving as center. Where, movement is not driven or motivated by reactions and emotions but is a self-expression within the realization and understanding that things need to get done on an existential level.

External Support: Underwear, socks, T-shirts

New Expression color:

zaterdag 26 januari 2019

What does your face have to say about you?

Today I repeated an experiment I did a long time ago. In this post back in 2011 I took a photo of my face, cut it in half and mirrored both halves to create two entirely different faces. I did this because I noticed that when it came to the right and left side of my face, they looked different and I thought that doing this mirroring experiment would give me some insight into different parts of myself expressed within and through the different sides of my face. And boy did it ever!

Here's what the two mirrored images looked like (unfortunately I don't have the original photo that I took of my face anymore):

And here is what my face cut in half and mirrored on both sides looks like today:

What my face actually looks like:

The first obvious and interesting difference between these two sets of photo's is that the physical structure of the ones from 2011 doesn't actually look all that different, while those from today look shockingly different. Not to mention the difference in how I look overall between now and then!

The purpose of this experiment is that it's an exercise in reading yourself, getting to know yourself from a different perspective. I have found it to be a fun and supportive way to get deeper into your process of self-awareness, literally using what's 'in your face' to learn more about yourself.

Specifically what this exercise will show you is the two stories your face tells about you, of the way in which you on the one hand tend to sabotage yourself and how you on the other hand simultaneously can be your own solution.The structure of your face will tell you which traits you need to start nurturing in order to become who you really are on a beingness level.

If you'd like some support with reading yourself in your face and with seeing what your face has to say about you, email me at I do Body Connection sessions to assist individuals with tuning into themselves and learning more about who they are.

dinsdag 21 juni 2016

2016 How to Transcend Fear of Failure

A pattern that seems to have come up and seeped into my mind and thus how I experience myself in my life and living, is a fear of failing. In the back of my mind there have been thoughts and experiences coming up that have created this overall feeling within myself that I have somehow 'failed' and/or am failing in my process of self-change and self-expansion. I've been struggling with that experience for a while now, which has also seemed to result in avoidance behavior such as sleeping a lot and not really wanting to wake up and face the day/my life, not feeling like maintaining my 'social life' and not really feeling like doing things in general. In the back of my mind there is just this experience and idea of 'what's the point, I've failed anyways'.

And when looking at this experience, I can see that it's basically just a fear of failing that I am dealing with. A fear that I have made real by believing it and thinking it the whole time. I have molded and shaped my perception of who I am and how I am walking my process and my life according to this fear that has been haunting me in the back of my mind. In other words, because I fear failing I constantly feel as though I have failed and/or am failing.

However, then I stepped back from this experience and this perception of myself as having 'failed' for a moment, and I looked at the reality of myself and of who I am, who I have been and how I have been walking my process and my life. By doing this, I came to the conclusion that actually in a lot of ways I have transcended many patterns in my mind. I have become an overall more stable and down-to-earth individual. I may not have entirely changed or overcome patterns such as social anxiety, insecurity or self-suppression, but I have already made substantial changes in how I experience myself internally and how I behave, interact and express myself externally.

In conclusion, I realised that within this fear of failing, my mind was creating the perception and the experience that the entire process that I have walked up to this point has been for nought and that I haven't created any change what so ever. And this perception is strange, because it is suggesting that in all this time of having applied the tools of introspection and self-investigation through writing, self-forgiveness and self-commitment I haven't learned anything and I have not in any way expanded or developed myself, while in fact I KNOW that this isn't so. I can physically SEE the changes in myself and in my life - changes that I have created myself over time as I walked my process of self-change.

For quite a while now - and on many occurrences in my process - have I experienced this haunting feeling that I have failed in some way and never have I realized this one simple fact. The fear and even the concept of having 'failed' seemed to just completely override and hide all that I have in fact accomplished and created through the process that I have in fact walked. When the fear of having failed comes up, all that I become in my mind is a 'failure'.

In other words, every bit of potential, success, growth and expansion within myself gets suppressed when the word failure comes up in the mind. Even though there is potential and even though success, growth and expansion has in fact taken place over the years, all of that just disappears completely because all that I am seeing with my minds eye is "failure".

What I am trying to say and show here is that the whole concept of 'failing', at least in the way that it exists at this time, is a mind program. It is a program in the mind because it is not aligned with reality. The fear of failing and the belief that "I have failed" is like a sheet that creeps up in your mind and covers up the reality of who you are. The reality being the gradual learning process that has occurred over time as well as the steps that you have taken to change certain aspects of yourself.

For instance, the reality of myself is that even though at times I may have been more slow in changing a thought/behavioral/emotional pattern and I may have sometimes been stuck in a certain pattern for a while, eventually I did create a change and moved through whatever it was that I was trying to get through. Failure is a mind program because it is a one-dimensional concept that doesn't allow me to see the entire multifaceted reality of who I am in space and time. The mind program of fearing failure is something that will eventually only make me give up on my potential and sabotage my own process of self-expansion and -development simply for the only reason that a fear of failure will block me from seeing any potential for self-expansion within myself. So in a way it is a self-fulfilling prophecy.

In the next blog I will continue looking into the fear of failure and specifically into what the solution is to changing the pattern of fearing failure.

zondag 28 juni 2015

2015 From Escapism to Self-Responsibility - Using Gaming as a Platform of Self Change -- Part 3

This blog is part of the series about Escapism wherein I have been sharing the process of self-change that I am applying, specifically in relation to playing videogames and the mind-pattern of addiction and escapism it activates within myself. I don't play games often, but I have noticed that when I do, I just get swallowed up in it. All it takes is for me to find one game that sparks my interest and before long as I start playing it, it can start to consume most of my (valuable) time.

In the previous blogs, "2014 From Escapism to Self-Responsibility - Using Gaming as a Platform of Self Change" Part 1 and Part 2, through my application of the tools of self-change in changing this specific pattern, I have been able to see what I am actually doing and what really happens 'behind the scenes' while I get caught up in playing a game and it starts to overshadow my life. This was about half a year ago and since then I haven't been playing any games until recently when I discovered this game called Epic Defence. I was looking for something to entertain myself with so I decided to try it and ended up enjoying it. However this 'enjoyment' turned problematic as I noticed how I was wanting to spend more and more time playing the game than on anything else.

So this gives me a nice opportunity to again investigate the pattern of addiction when it comes to gaming and to see which points within myself still serve as an open window for me to give my power away and let myself get carried away by something instead of standing as a pillar of self-direction and -will. The return of this pattern by no means implies that I 'failed' in my first attempts to change it. All that it shows me is that I have overlooked certain points of self-understanding and self-awareness which still allow a 'weakness' to exist within myself  for certain thoughts/feelings/emotions and mind-programs to 'overtake' me and take me for a ride. So it's then just a matter of applying the tools of self-introspection through self-honesty and writing, self-forgiveness, self-correction and real-time self-change.

Escapism and playing games and getting lost in It is a very strange sensation. Specifically the point where in your awareness you know that there are other things you should be doing and that it is better for you to stop playing the game and just go do stuff that is more relevant and important and self-supportive but then you start fighting that awareness in your mind and questioning that awareness to basically protect the energy that you are experiencing in that moment, meaning the feelings of reward, adrenalin and dopamine as you are playing the game.

So, in theory it shouldn't be that difficult to just pause the game or just stop it and move on to doing other things, because it is literally just a game, it holds no value or importance and that energetic experience of value and reward that I feel inside myself as I am collecting gems and coins and defeating my virtual attacker in the game are simply illusions because the game in itself is virtual reality, i.e. not ACTUAL reality. This means that even though I feel as though I am winning, gaining and achieving something of great value, importance and worth, I am actually not at all and it is all only happening in the virtual reality in my mind stimulated by the game that I am playing.

An interesting point to look at and consider here is that there appears to be a lack of understanding in relation to the word 'game' and thus a necessity to clearly define for myself what a 'game' is and what the difference is between a 'game' and 'reality', to assist and support myself with making decisions that are based on the reality of things and not based on feelings.

So that in other words I don't end up allowing the illusory experience of value and importance within playing a game to override what is important and valuable in fact, which is to for instance pause and put down the game when I see that there are other things to be done with my time. And so that I can assert myself to allow this game nor the energetic feeling experiences that it triggers in my mind to hold any weight when it comes to how I decide to move and direct myself in my life from moment to moment, because  it shouldn't in any way what so ever. A game is after all just a game.

This understanding of what a game is will determine my starting point, meaning who I am when I start playing and the kind of experience I will end up creating while I am playing because of 'who I am'. When my definition and thus my starting point in relation to playing games is that somewhere within myself in the back of my mind I actually believe that the feelings of value, importance and worth which come up as a preprogrammed induced reaction to playing computer games are real, then I will have a really difficult time trying to quit playing because I truly believe that I would be having to give up on something very important if I were to stop the game.

The starting point of playing a game, and of doing anything at all for that matter, would be the 'reason why' I do it. And that 'reason why' can be corrupted and compromised when it is based on a misunderstanding of what certain things are and how they exist. Wanting and desiring to play a game because I want to experience the feelings I get while playing the game, indicates that there exists a belief in myself that to a certain degree those feelings are real. This would be a sign of a corrupted and compromised starting point because in reality anything I might be experiencing internally while playing a computer game is entirely and solely stimulated by the perception created within the game that the participant is achieving and accomplishing things as they move up in levels, earn virtual rewards and defeat virtual adversaries  - none of which is taking place in real life.

Thus to correct the self-compromising pattern of escapism within the example of an addiction to gaming, I will have to correct my starting point as the 'who I am' in relation to playing games. An addiction to gaming and a behavioural pattern of escapism can only exist when there is a 'flaw' in the design of 'who I am' and consequently in my starting point in relation to gaming, and this design pertains to how I see and understand the world that I exist in. The particular flaw in the design would in this case be the belief that I will find worth, value and importance within playing a computer game and that those energetically exciting experiences in the mind of apparent value, importance and worth when unlocking a level or achieving a goal in the game are in fact what real worth, value and importance is, while it is very obvious that realistically speaking this is not at all so.

As long as this faulty perception of reality exists as a belief system in my mind, then the desire, want and need to play games will exist, as well as the potential to develop an addiction to it, which would be the experience of not being able to stop playing and the feeling that nothing else is as interesting, engaging and important as playing that game.

So within redefining the word game, it seems that I actually have to look at redefining words such as importance, worth and value, because it is these things that I have mistakenly understood to be based within feelings, like the feeling of excitement I experience upon being rewarded with something, be it a prize in a computer game or appraisal from peers, family and/or people in my general environment. In this context, importance, worth and value would actually be quite meaningless and empty because it is literally based only on a belief that if I achieve, win or accomplish something, and specifically when something or someone else outside of myself recognizes and tells me that I have, it somehow makes 'who I am' inside myself 'better' and 'more'.

Looking at why and how it is that I don't already experience and see value, worth and importance as an inherent part of myself, I can see that it is because of this separation that I have accepted and allowed to exist within myself wherein I see and define value, worth and importance as things that my environment must give me. The solution here is to thus  through applying the tools of self-forgiveness, self-correction and self-commitments, develop the realization and understanding of how I can start living value, worth and importance as a self-expression that is best for myself instead of it being something that distracts me from living my life to my utmost potential.

This is a process that I will be sharing in the next blog.