2008 - first day of work

today was my first day of work: i work at a bakery
something i never wanted to do: standing at a register, working with money and pushing keys on a screan, working while other beings wait for me to get it done.

i ve always experienced intense 'pressure' around beings, whenever i had a responsability, whenever it was up to me to 'perform' and do stuff for them.

i took on this job, to prove to myself that i am not controlled by fear, that i will not allow myself to limit myself thru perceptions of who i am based on passed experiences.

it was interesting: there were moments, when the store was busy, there were lots of people waiting in line and i felt anxiety and started feeling 'pressure' of 'expectations of other beings towards me', wanting to please them, fearing them getting frustrated with me or angry because 'i am taking so long'.

when i feel that 'pressure', which is self judgements and expectations, coming up. it gets to a point where it 'takes over' and i sort of 'shut down'.
it was fascinating: when i am expected to do something and something is going wrong, and other people are expecting me to fix it: i just shut down...
i go numb and i am staring at the screen of the register, wanting to fix what i did 'wrong', but every bit of problem solving or action within me is just gone, i then feel like a dumb kid, not knowing what i am in fact even doing there.

it is like instant depression, in one moment, i move to the back of my mind and start feeling 'bad', so bad that i cant move.

this used to really fuck me up in the past, i remember the last time i worked at a register, it was living hell for me: having this whole line of beings expecting me to work faster, getting more frustrated by the second and me doing shit wrong, not knowing how to fix it..

but this time, i just noticed how my mind worked in that way, and i just stopped and told myself : wtf, these people dont give a fuck about me, why should i give a fuck about what they think or how they feel. i am here and i am giving me the time to do this.

so that was cool.

there were also some moments where i could see me becoming a definition, an act, 'fake', sort of manipulating others into thinking that i am a good and nice person.

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to get pushed around by expectations of other beings towards me, by my own thoughts of what other beings expect of me

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to feel 'cornered' and 'watched' when there are people wanting me to do something for them, expecting me to do that 'right' and as fast as possible
i forgive myself for having allowed myself to want to give other people what they want, to try not to make them feel uncomfortable and blame it on me

i forgive myself for allowin gmyself to fear other beings blaming me for their discomfort

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to compromise myself by automatically giving beings what they want

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to feel pressurised when there are beings waiting for me to do something for them, because i then want to give them what they want,in the way that they want it, so they would like me and judge me positively

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to want to 'perform', as in giving a performance of me being 'perfect' at what i do, so i can get the approval of other beings

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to feel good about myself when natalie said that she sees that i will be a good worker there, that i can do this, because: mission accomplished! she notices me and approves of me

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to, when working at the bakery, lose sight of whati am doing and why i am doing it: i am doing what ever i am doing for me, and only for myself, so i can practically realise myself HERE
not so i can please other people!

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to compare myself with sara, and believing me to be less because she did everything really fast and she was really efficient in working with the register

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to believe i must be as good as sara

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to want sara te see and recognise that i am good at that job, so she has respect for me

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to want respect from sara and natalie, therefore i try to please them in what i do, and therefore i feel 'pressurised', because i expect myself to 'perform' for them

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to do what i do for other beings, in the sense that i want them to respect me for what i do

instead of me respecting myself in every move i make, within and as self direction and stability and self presence

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to want to prove to other beings that i am good at what i do, whatever it is, so they can 'throw me a bone', like a compliment, to which i then react with a good feeling, so i can yet again feel like i am a 'good person'

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to pretend as though i do not react to compliments, while suppressing the reaction of exitement that i experience

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to become a definition, a mould, a form, in which i perform, in which i can show beings that i am a 'good person'

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to compromise myself around natalie and sara, by adapting to how i thought i had to behave in that 'work environment'

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to beleive that i must adapt in the work environment, to my co workers and my boss, otherwise i might not 'do it right', otherwise they might not give me recognition

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to give away my power and self support to the search for approval from my co workers and my boss, and then from that, fear that i might 'do something wrong' or fear losing my job, because i ve allowed myself to not be absolutely HERE in and as self trust, self movement, self presence

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to believe that i am working for natalie, and that i therefore must adapt to her expectations towards me

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to think that this job is more important than myself

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to separate myself from this job and the beings there, by believing that i need them

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to judge sara and natalie, and react towards them in fear and anxiety, by believing that i need them and their approval of me to survive

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to doubt my expression and then adapt and become fake, so i can feel safe in a 'socially acceptable' expression

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to be concerned with money

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to give my power away to the matrix as the apparant need for a job and money, which is apparantly bigger than me

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to see money and job as my foundation

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to not be self honest towards natalie en sara because i believed i might need them within supporting myself

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to think about their judgements of me

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to manipulate them into liking me, by pretending to be someone that they would/might like

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to participate in the matrix as the fear of losing money or job as apparant support

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to feel safe when the beings that i work for/with like me and approve of me

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to see natalie and sara as mere tools that i use to survive by manipulating them into liking me and in that, want to support me, want to give me what i want

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to associate work with fear and anxiety and 'pressure'

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to fear sara and natalie

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to want need and desire their approval and recognition

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to judge myself as stupid, when i did something wrong on the register and wasnt able to fix it myself

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to want to prove that i can do things myself, that i am smart and insightful

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to be clouded and blinded with judgements about myself, instead of practically being HERE as me as breath as the solution

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to judge myself whenever i made a mistake, because i wanted to please other beings in showing them that i can do this perfectly so they can be pleased with me

i forgive myself for allowing myself to want natalie to be pleased with me

i forgive myself for allowing myself to enslave myself to a 'boss', to the moneysystem

i forgive myself for allowing myself to define myself according to the job i do

i forgive myself for allowing myself to fear actually practically directing myself

i forgive myself for allowing myself to fear stopping the urge to want to please other beings

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to 'move to the back of my mind', whenever i feel pressure about wanting to please other people yet fearing that they are not pleased with what i do at all

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to constantly be 'conscious' of what other beings are thinking about me, this is either 'what a good girl', or 'what an annoying person, cant she go faster!'

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to rely on others in this world

i forgive myself for not having allowed myself to realise that nobody gives a fuck about me, all in this world is self-interest, each one for themselves

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to think or consider that anyone actually cares about me, in any way what so ever

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to spend all of my attention on what other beings think or may think about me

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to experience anxiety when there were a lot of people in the store, i forgive myself for having allowed myself to think about every possible judgement of every possible person, and then it gets 'too much' for me, and i shut down

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to believe that the more people that are around me, the more i am attacked by judgements

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to go numb because of the judgements and fear and then not be able to move myself practically

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to believe that i have to do what i do from the startingpoint of giving these people what they want and how they want it