2008 getting things done

i feel angry at my mom, for telling me things that i have to do that i find utterly unnecesairy but becasue i need her to do something for me i have no choise then to do what she wants me to do because otherwise she might not want to do it anymore. i want her to book a flight but she takes over and starts counterargumenting and questioning everything i ve done, with questions like 'is it safe' and 'i want you to travel with ensurance' and 'are you sure that these people can drive you to the airport that early?' and ' i want you to first make sure'. and then i get angry and frustrated with her telling me to do all this stuff that i dont really wanna do, she want everything to be certain and secure, i dont really care what happens. when she starts questioning everything : like: are you sure and but what if..?', then i start questioning myself and think 'yeah, what if...'
but why i am frustrated because she asks me to do all those things to make sure is because i dont want to bother other people. i always feel like asking questions to make sure etc, is bothering to people.
also i get frustrated because i want to get this done to get it done for ann, for others. with as little fuss as possible, so people are least bothered, so people dont get irritated or annoyed by me. fast and efficient. but then my mom starts interfering with my plans and i become frustrated because i start fearing that all my plans are falling and i wont be able to get it done, or i will bother people by changing the plans or maybe i wont be able to book the cheap flight and i will have to ask the person (ann) for more money
and then she will surely be annoyed by me, and think i am truly inadequate and stupid.
so i always depend on my mom to get something done for me: i bother my mom to not bother other people, and then i get frustrated with her if she doesnt do it rightaway because now maybe those people will see that i m not perfect fast and efficient
it s always been like that: with me wanting to impress my friends by showing them that my parents will take care of it so they will judge me positively, but then my parents, especially my mum, doesnt answer that expectancy i have of her and i feel ashamed because now my friends see that i am not as much in control as i want them to think.

i forgiv emyself for allowingmsyelf to feel annoyed and irritated when a friends parent interferes with our plans and then judge myfriend and their parents as stupid and annoying
i forgi vemyself for allowingmsyelf to want my friends to see that my parents are cool and will do whatever i ask them
i forgiv emyself for allowingmsyelf to judge that person as weak for succumbing to their parents wishes and rules
i forgive myself for allowingmyself to believe i am giving up my dignity or giving up myself when i 'give in' to the desires of my mother when she wants me to do things like make sure about stuff about the tripp when it isnt her trip and it isnt her money
i forgi ve myself for allowingmsyelf to having defined myself as care free
i forgi vemyeslf for having allowed myself to not want to really plan because i think that stuff will just happen for me
i forgi vemyself for having allowed myself to judge my mother as a control freak because she wants to make sure of everything
i forgiv meyself for not having allowed myself to realise that i am the exact same way in wanting everything to be sure so i wont get in trouble or i wont get lost , to want everything i do to be predetermined like a soul construct so i ll be completely safe and then be frustrated and fearful when that doesnt seem to go according to plan
i forgi vemyeslf for allowingmsyelf to think that i am bothering people by asking something of them
i forgive myself for allowingmsyelf to want to do everything perfect when someone asks me to do something so i wont bother them with a badly executed project
i forgi vmeyself for allowingmsyelf to like it when people ask me to do something so i will feel like they will sertainly like me, they have to like me , because i am the provider, i made it happen
i forgive myself fora llowingmsyelf to feel less than people who take things into their hands and work it out for everyone, who plan, organise etc to get things done
i forgive myself for allowingmsyelf to want to get things done by organising etc so others may feel less than me, so they may look at me as the one who can do it
i forgive myself forallowingmsyelf to fear beings judging me as someone who is lazy or doesnt do things and just lets others do everything
i forgiv meyeslf for allowingmsyelf to not want to do things but to want others to do it for me
because i fear failing
i forgiv emyelf for allowingmsyelf to want to look like i can do stuff perfectly
i forgi vemyslef for allowingmsyelf to want to show people that i can do an assignment perfecly
therefore fear i will fail because perfection doesnt exist
i forgi vemyself for allowingmsyelf to fear others thinking i am a free loader who lets others do the work
i forgiv emyself for allowingmsyelf to do things for the group so that they will see that i am not a free loader, but that i contribute to the group
i forgi vmeyself for allowingmsyelf to believe that others might get angry if i dont contribute, if i dont do something, take action for 'the group', when i am with others and stuff has to be done
i forgi vemyself for allowingmsyelf to think i cant take responsability for a whole group i might fail and then people might be annoyed or angry at me
i forgi emyelf for allowingmsyelf to believe i am in doing an assignment where others are involved, responsible for them and have to do it perfectly so they will look up at me and see me as a good and useful member of the group so they will accept me and approve of me
i forgi veyself for allowingmyself to not trust myself because of appearant group pressure
i forgiv emyself for allowingmsyelf to define myself as a chaotic person who can t organise and think logically
i forgi vemyself for allowingmsyelf to believe that people are expecting me to do things a certain way perfectly and fear that i wont be able to live up to those expectancies
i forgive myself fora llowingmsyelf to think others are more structurised,more clever, more organised, more logical
i forgive myself for allowingmsyelf to separate myself from other humans by thinking that they are better at doing things that need to be done than i am
i forgi meyslef for allowingmsyelf to believe that i am no good with organising
i forgi vmeylsef for allowing msyelf to define me as unlogical and unorganised
i forgiv emyeslf for allowingmsyelf to not realise that fear is the only thing that creates chaos
fear of not being able to do things effectively
i forgiv emyself for allowingmsyelf to believe that there are certain ways of doing things effectively and that i have to stick to those ways
i forgi vemyself for allowingmsyelf to fear doing things my way because i dont know that way
i forgiv emyself for allowingmsyelf to define my way as unsafe because i dont trust myself
i forgvi emyself for allowingmsyelf to believe that i must check with others to see if my way is the right way
i forgi ve myself fo r not allowingmsyelf to see and realise that my way is the only way
i forgi vemyself for allowingmsyelfto judge people as weak and inadequate and feel irritated when they cant seem to be able to do something 'the right way'
i forgive myself fo rallowingmsyellf to want to take matters into my own hands when i see people doing something 'wrong'
i forgiv emyself for allowingmyself for allowingmsyelf to feel frustrated when i see that i can do something that someone is doing , better and judge that person as stupid
i forgi vmeyself for not allowingmyself to realise that i only fear other humans judging me as stupid when i dont do things the 'right way' or perfectly and efficient because i do exactly the same unto them as separated from me as who ive allowed myself to become
i forgi vemyself for alloiwngmyself to think that i know better and i can do things better, more raffined, faster
i forgiv emyeslf fora llowingmyself to feel irritated when someone does things in a slow way
i forgiv eyself fo ralloiwngmyself to judge someone that does things slowly as stupid
i forgi vemyself for alloiwngmyself to want to do everything fast and efficient because i believe that is better than slowly
i forgive myself fo ralloiwngmyself to judge me as better than others because i can do things faster and more efficient
i forgive myself fo rallowingmyself to want to do everything myself because i judge what others do not good enough, too slow
i forgiv emyself fo rallowingmyself to judge slow as less than fast
i forgi vemyslef for allowingmyself tojudge chaotic as less than efficient and clear
i forgive myself for allowingmyself to always want to show people that i can do things really fast so they will be impressed
i forgive myself for allowingmyself to want to impress people with my speed with ex. running, typing, cutting vegetables, reading, looking things up, doing math sums in school (which was set up as a race by the teacher)
i forgi vemyself for allowing myself to believe that everything is a race and that the fastest is the best
i forgive myself for having allowed myself to want to be the first and the best in everything
i forgiv emyeslf for allowingmyself to compare myself in what i do with how others do the same thing and then based on parameters like speed judge myself as better than them for being faster
i forgiv emyself fo rallowingmyself to think that others are better than me in the structurising and organising and practical and commonsensical matters because i only base on the superficial esthetics like how fast: the comparable seemable judgable ratable gradable things
i forgi vemyelf for allowingmsyelf to only want to be seen as the best so only want to do the things that will make me stand out, but then fear doing them because i might fail
i forgiv emyelf for allowingmsyelf to separate myself from everyone by wanting to be the best based on parameters as polarities s a smart vs dumb, intelligent vs naive, fast vs slow, etc
i forgiv emyself for allowingmsyelf to fear being judged as dumb, naive and slow and desire to be judged as smart, intelligent and fast
i forgive myelf for allowingmsyelf to judge dumb naive and slow as less than fast, intelligent and smart
i forgiv emyself fo rallowingmsyelf to define myself according to how i do things
i forgiv eyself fo rallowingmsyelf to define myself according to the things that i do
i forgi veyeslf for allowingmyself to define mysel f according to comparing how i do things to how others do those things
i forgiv emyeslf for not allowingmsyelf to realise that the how of something is always an image , apicture, a judgement and i am the creater of pictures, images and judgements so it isnt real, it is system reaction it is not who i am as all as one as who i am here as life as breath
i am no picture i am no image i am no judgement
fast and smart and slow dont exist
neither do intelligent insightful, logical, commonsensical, naieve etc
only me exists here i am not comparable because i am oneness and equality
this is who i am
i dont have to do anything
nothing has to happen
i am not frustration
i forgiv eyself for allowingmsyelf to be controlled by frustration
i forgi veyself for allowingmsyelf to have reacted to frustration of my mother with frustration
i forgiv emyself for having allowed myself to react with anger to my mother trying to control what i do without realising i am only reacting to her because i allow myself to be that way aswell i just havent recognised and released it within myself
i release frustration because i realise that it is not who i am
i dont have to control things or people and people cant control me
only if i let the system that i ve allowed myself to become control me
i will no longer be controlled by a system as thoughts feelings and emotions because it is not who i am
i am here as all as one as equal
equal to my mother
and equal to ann
and equal to what i do as me as self movement as life within myself