2009 biggest desire

my biggest desire: relationship with a man

it s been consuming me my entire life, completely. when i was around a friend of mine, who i felt attracted to, i would tense up completely and enirely suppress my expression. i would just be this tense stress ball of anxiety and exitement.

it was actually a horrible experience, but at the same time i loved it and i was addicted to it. jeezes, that s love....

so, now, there s this guy who lives across the hall from my studio and now his music is playing and i m feeling tense again, i even feel like going over there and saying to 'shut off the goddamn music' because hearing the music reminds me of 'there is a guy living there', reminds me of that separation i ve allowed within myself.

but ofcourse i would never ever go over there and say something like that because i am so afraid of rejection by men.

i forgive myself for allowing myself to exist within and as separation between me as defined woman an men as defined men/masculine
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to be addicted to the seeming separation between men and women based on picture presentation
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to fear men and to push men away from me because i so desire relationships and that is only possible when there is resistance as separation
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to resist masculinity within myself
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to resist the mind consciousness system within myself as structure as masculine
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to define a man s appearance as strength, wise, superior, attractive, handsome
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to express myself entirely based on trying to attract men
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to limit my expression because i used my expression to try to attract men
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to fear my own expression because i wanted and desired a man's recognition and attention and so i feared 'failing', i feared being rejected by men
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to doubt my expression because i trusted men because i judged them as superior
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to believe a mans expression to be superior to mine
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to desire a mans attention because i believed that i can only be worthy of living when a man recognises and notices that i exist
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to believe that if a man were to reject me, i am not worthy of life and i am a worthless person
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to desire a man to support me and direct me and notice me
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to feel completely tense and exited when my eyes spot the picture of a man/youngman in my reality because i desire to be noticed by that man, i desire to be noticed as a 'unique woman'
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to desire sex with the picture presentation of a man/youngman, that resembles my father: slender, muscled body, handsome face
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to define myself as 'not good enough' 'not pretty enough' for men and then believe myself to be the manifestation of 'not good enough'
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to define myself as dumb, stupid, inferior, weak
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that i have nothing to say of value to a man, that what i have to say is less than what a man says or does
i forgive myselff or having accepted and allowed myself to look up to my dad and believe my expression to be less than his
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to carry on this relationship with all other men in my reality, for ever feeling inferior and less than men
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to suppress myself entirely when there is a man/youngman around, especially when he resembles my father, because i desire to be noticed and recognised by this man/youngman, because i believe that i am only worthy when a man approves of my existence
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to define the appearance of a man as superior
than a woman's appearance
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to judge a vagina as inferior to a penis
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to desire my vagina being penetrated by a penis of a man as i see that as the ultimate recognition that i can get: the apparant amalgamation with masculinity as that which i have suppressed within myself
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to desire staying in this self defined weakness and desire for relationship with a man as defined strength
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to desire approval for my expression from men
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to have a tense expression, and controlled expression that does not flow because i try to 'be good' 'good enough' for men
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to try to prove that i am good enough, as good as men
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to actually believe that i cannot stand alone within this reality, that i require a man to support me
i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to trust myself as self expression as breath as the moment because i ve allowed myself to believe that men have power over me and that they must approve of my expression for it to be ok and 'good enough'
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to supress masculinity within myself and then judge my expression supposedly thru the eyes of men in my reality, when in fact it is me judging myself, thru the eyes of the mind as the masculinity i ve separated from myself
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to feel alone and weak when i feel and think that i have no man in my world that stands by me, that notices me
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to live as a word that i defined myself to : weakness, lostness, inferiority, powerless
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to project all of my power on the picture presentation of men and then believe that they have power over me just by their presence in my reality and that that is the way it is
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to fear men
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from anton by desiring his body, as how i see it with my human physical eyes as apparantly separate from my body
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to the energetic friction that i experience when i see the apparant separation between a mans and a womans body as picture presentations
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to desire amalgamating with the picture presentation of a man and not realising that it is impossible, even thru sex, it is impossible
i forgiv emyself for not having accepted and allowed myself to take responsability for my reactions when i see a man s picture presentation within the realisation that it is me creating the reactions and the definitions, it is me creating the experience of myself within my reality
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to expect a man to support and notice me
i forgive myself for not allowing myself to just accept a man as who he is as an expression of life as one and equal with me here
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to desire being adored by a man
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to see myself as inferior because i define the feminine expression as inferior to the masculine expression
i forgive myself for allowing myself to push men away and to resist men because i simply do not want to realise that in fact i am one and equal to all picture presentations as what i see with my human physical eyes
i forgive myself ffor having allowed myself to give meaning to the picture presentation of men in my world because i wanted to use it to satisfy my desires, i wanted to use the definitions i myself had created over this picture, so i wanted to use this being to fulfill a role within my self created illusion as the mind so i could exist as a mind consciousness system as desires
within and as separation


till here and no further:
i exist within and as aloneness
i trust myself within and as aloneness
i accept myself within and as aloneness
i stop looking and searching for a partner, for a relationship with a man
i am masculinity and femininity amalgamated as one as life within myself
i am self love
i am self acceptance
i am the moment
i am unconditional self expression
i am unwaveringly stable, i am stability, i am constant as breath
i am not desire
i am not polarity frictions
i am truly stable and constant
within and as every and each moment of breath
i am HERE

i am self direction within the absolute constantness of HERE of breath
i am assertiveness within and as self movement within and as stability and constantness of breath
i realise that all is me, so i move me HERE and i direct me HERE
i accept myself as the singularity, as the one that is the all as HERE
i respect myself as the one as oneness and equality
i respect my body as myself within and as oneness and equality
i realise that my body is the universe
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to always disregard my body, by misusing/abusing it, because i only judged how it looked on the outside, and in doing so, i disregarde life as who i am, as my beingness which cannot be seen nor judged
i accept myself as the being that i am, as beingness, not as judgements, not as picture presentation that exist within separation
i do not allow or accept any separation based on judgements within myself anymore
i realise that i am the centre of my world, and i am responsible for the experience of myself within and as my world as i am self responsibility as life
i am not a system that is the manifestation of the giving away of responsability by existing within separation of myself
i am sound, i am whole, i am complete as who i am HERE, i am absolute
and i move myself within the absoluteness and directness and assertiveness and specificity of life as life within myself
i do not allow myself to doubt myself
i do not allow myself to doubt oneness and equality
i accept myself as oneness and equality as life as breath as simplicity
i realise that the system does not exist, rules and fear and future does not exist
i exist and i am HERE in and as the moment as self honesty as who i really am as all as one as equal HERE and i direct myself HERE within and as the specificity of life as the life within myself
i am specificity, as the specific nature of self movement, i move myself to do what is best for all as one as equal, to do what is necessairy to be done to practically stand within and as this world as all as one as equal from here unto infinity
i am infinity within and as each breath