2008 jehova's witnesses self forgiveness

jehovas witnesses were at my door thismorning. first i felt exited, because i was like 'have i got some news for you', because i started listening to them knowing that everything they d tell me was wrong. and i thought it was cool to be able to show off my knowledge, quite like they did. i noticed that i was only trying to convince them of their way not being the right way, as they with me, so i stopped that and just breathed. i felt tension building up inside, i wanted them to leave. i kept it simple, just saying that 'ok i dont know if god created all of this, i see no god, i know no god, all i see is me here', but they reacted with everything i said with another bible paragraph 'see, jehova will save us, now at the end of all time, believe in god and blabla', i didnt know what to say and i just breath ok here, just speaking my own truth as who i am, but i held back because i was afraid to be mean, i was afraid to make them not like me anymore over maybe something direct i would say, i was afraid of me and of what i might say. i also said something what jesus said, that when you speak to another realise you re speaking to yourself. they asked where that was in the bible, i said no....and i explained about winged the portal. i was creating images of myself in their eyes, i realised i was being the nice friendly open hearted open minded girl again, someone that should be loved by everyone because she s just so right and perfect. ok so that s a bodysuit
but i let people just do as they please while i think: they ll see i am right, i dont really need to be direct, they ll see it themselves. scared to take responsability for me as all as one as equal
all the while listening to them seeing if i can maybe turn them around, like they were trying to turn me around with their sweet talks and smiles and calm behaviour. but i dont enjoy listening because it s not true and i m too scared to say anything about it. because they might think i am just another non believer who is going to be whiped from the face of the earth by the hand of god. so i kinda need people to believe in me, to see that i am a good person who deserves to live. i want them to see me as a sweet and gentle girl who is really innocent and cute and nice . i want men to see me that way, i want woman to see that i fit in, not too sweet and stuff but a good woman, friendly and funny. someone you can talk with, and laugh with and gossip with.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear other humans
i forgiv meyslef fo raccpetinga nd allowing msyefl to tense up when confronted whit others
i forgi vmeyslef fo raccpetinga nd allowingmsyelf to see other humans as a threat
i forgi vmeylsef fo raccpeting and allowingmsyelf to fear humans getting angry at me
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that fear of others will protect me from harm
i forgi mveyslef for accepting and allowing msyefl to think i cannot be trusted
i forgive myself for accpting and allowingmsyelf to trust others around me thinking they know what s best
i forgi mveylsef for acceptinga nd allowingmyself to have always trusted others and nothing has ever happened to me so why should i now all of a sudden trust only myself
i forgi vemyself for accpetingand allowingmyself to believe that my life or me as life can be led by others
i forgi vmeyself for acceptinga nd allowingmsyelf to want to succumb to the will and the rules of other people
i forgi vemyself for accpeting and lalowingyself to think that in order for me to be safe i must do what i ve always done, which is trust the systems as people around me as separation of me as who i ve allowed myself to become
i forig mveylsef fo r accepting and allowingmyself to fear taking my responsability, taking my life into my own hands and live for me as me as all as one as equal because i ve never done that before
i forgiv meyself fo raccepting and allowingmyself to associate self trust and complete self responsability with unstability and insecurity and fear
i forgivemyself for allowingmyself to associate being alone with unstability and insertainty and fear
i for giv emyself for accepting and allowing myself to think i cannot live alone because i m not smart enough for that
i forgi ve myself for acceptinga ndallowingmsyelf to believe i could not make it on my own because i wouldnt know what to do to survive
i forgive myself for acceptinga nd allowing myself to be friendly and nice to people so they would support me in this world, so i would feel supported
i forgiv emyself fo raccepting anda llowing myself to believe that the feeling supported actually meens that i am infact safe and supported
i forgiv emyself for allowing myself to not trust myself as who i am here, but rather look outside of myself within separation of me as system as who ive allowed myself to become for trust
i forgiv meyself for accepting and allowing myself to trust rules and codes of behaviour and act according to those rules and expect others to do the same so i may live in the illusion of security and safety and trust
i forgiv meyself for having accepted and allowed myself to let me be dictated by fear in every moment of breath, fear of being alone fear of people not liking me fear of not being able to survive fear of losing security
i forgiv e myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that life and living has anything to do with surviving
i forgiv emysefl for accepting and allowing msyefl to believe that life and staying alive has anything to do with smarts and knowledge
i forgive mysefl for accepting and allowingmyself to think that i should have read more books
i forgiv emyself for accepting andallowingmysefl to look at other people around me like my mom and like desteni etc, see how they handle and design their lives and their world and think that i could never do that, could never do that for myself by myself , thinking that it takes a lot of knowledge
i forgive myself for not allowingmsyefl to realise that as long as i keep separating knowledge from myself by thinking that it can only be found in books and in other humans then i will never be able to do anything for myself as myself, then i am allowing myself to be of systems with systematic behaviour where there is a line laid out for me i just have to follow it
i forgivemyself for allowingmyself to actually believe that i am too stupid to decide my life for myself
i forgiv emyself for allowignmyself to think i have to be able what other humans do to live
i forgive msyelf for accepting and allowingmsyelf