2008 - judging self

the reason for why i judge myself and define myself so extensively: the experience of me that is of total and utter disgust and shame about the past that i am trying to escape from within myself, by 'covering me up' with thoughts as judgements and definitions, defining and judging every move i make, so i would not have to face me direct.

there was an event in the past, when i was really young: the father of a friend of mine took me on his lap and placed his hand at my vagina, i reacted to this. the thing that made me disgusted with myself was that i did not stand up, because i was supposedly 'just a kid', i let me be 'used/dominated' by this man, and i did not stand up!

this disgust with myself i did not want to face and i hid myself and tryed to escape from it within judging myself and making and creating definitions, staying very locked and 'secured' within my thoughts, that keep me from ever facing what is the actual experience of me, underneith it all..

this is why i am constantly thinking about 'the next moment', creating all possible images in my mind of 'whats going to happen' and 'how i would experience myself if i let go', to keep me from ACTUALLY letting go and facing myself HERE.

because i know, i know that it will not be nice, it will in no way be pretty what i will face, within absolute SELF RESPONSABILITY, completely ALONE, no where to hide nowhere to run. no one to blame, for what I HAD ALLOWED WITHIN MYSELF, but myself!

the only reason why i have thoughts is to cover up and try to escape within my mind from traumas in the past, which became the actual experience of me. experiences where i did things or allowed things to be done unto me, and i did not stop, i did not stand up. i then experienced so much regret and shame that i wanted 'a way out', and i created that by participating in the mind as thoughts feelings and emotions.

so, this system, has not in any way been 'done unto me', i have done this unto myself, in every way.

and i always thought, looking back at my childhood, from the mind, 'i was so happy then', when infact all i experienced back then was shame and regret as the manifested experience of me, and me trying to escape from that by participating in the system, becoming the system: manifesting even more shame and regret.

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to not stand up when jaques placed his hand at my vagina and then judge myself for that, within being absolutely disgusted with myself

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to not and no more accept myself as self honest expression, because i did not stand up in and as self honesty, i disgraced myself as life, thus i have no right to ever express myself

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to attempt escaping from myself within 'a good feeling', and in that search for a good feeling, i allowed myself to participate within self judgements and self definitions

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to become a system just so i could feel good about myself, to escape the actual experience of me, which is absolute disgust and shame, that can infact not be escaped from

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to desperately search for recognition from others within my mind so i can keep separating me from myself, so i would not directly have to face me HERE ALONE

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to keep going around in circles for all of eternity within the mind, within 'escape routes', just so i wouldnt have to stop and face myself HERE

i forgive myself for allowing myself to look for a person to blame, like jacques or my parents for who i have allowed myself to become, to try to escape my complete self responsability

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to fear facing myself, to fear facing who i had allowed myself to become thru billions and billions of years participating within the mind consciousness system

i forgive myself for allowing myself to fear facing myself within and as absolute aloneness, giving up on the thoughts that i ve used to hide from myself

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to participate in hope and wishful thinking, making images within my mind of 'how it will be when i face myself' etc.., which only keep me within the cycles and loops of the mind as past and future

i forgive myself for allowing myself to want to stay in loops and cycles of the mind, to not have to directly face me here within and as self responsability, face what i have allowed within myself

i forgive myself for allowing myself to fear facing the absolute vastness and mangitude of SELF RESPONSABILITY

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to try to escape from the disgust and shame i experience towards myself within a relationship, searching for a good feeling

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to not really want to give up the mind because, although i am litterally destroying myself as life, atleast i dont have to face myself as who i have allowed myself to become

i can just remain 'blissfully unaware'

i forgive myself for allowing myself to punish myself by judging myself and thinking and making definitions, to keep me from facing myself and expressing myself

i forgive myself for allowing myself to not want to give up on all those thoughts in my mind, that seem so real, all those people within my mind, that seem so real, that make me feel so nice

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to give up my power and strength to men and other beings, so i would be able to feel weak, so i could give away my self responsability

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to lock me up and in completely within knowledge and information as definitions , so i can define everything within separation of me and not see direct as me, without prefabricated knowledge, what is actually real

who i actually am

i forgive myself forhaving allowed myself to become infected and diseased, as my human physical body because i am unwilling to stand as myself in and as self respnsability, because i have allowed myself to sell myself to the system

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to keep hating myself for who i have become, within that only furthering my becoming a system

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to create escape routes within myself as good feelings

i forgive myself for allowing myself to hate myself for never having stood up as life

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to hate myself for having blamed jacques for what i had allowed within myself, and in this gave away my self responsability and sold myself to the system

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to participate within searching for an escape from myself, in every single moment of my existence, in whatever i did: i tryed to distract myself from myself, i let myself be guided by desires. within separating everything from myself, i created escape routes for myself


till here and no further:
i cannot escape from myself
it is impossible
there is no separation, i am alone HERE
i do not allow me te be guided by thoughts as desires
i do not allow myself to want to escape myself and try to find ways to do this
i do not allow myself to even for a moment consider that there is anyone or anything out there, out side of myself, that could help me
i do not allow myself to want to pity myself
i do not allow myself to believe that i am 'too weak to stand up'
i do not allow myself to make and create excuses for not having to absolutely face me here in every moment of breath
i do not allow me to search and hope for a good feeling
i do not allow me to hate myself for who i have become, which is only another excuse to not have to face me absolutely here

i am not weak
i am strength as life within myself as i stand HERE
i do not allow myself to give away my power to judgements and definitions and the desire to be weak
i am HERE
i do not allow myself to give away my strength and power to other beings so they can take responsability for me
i do not allow myself to even consider not standing HERE absolute self honestly as me as life as all as one as equal

i do not allow myself to even for a moment not take absolute self responsability for this creation as myself as who i have allowed myself to become

i walk in every moment, in every breath, until it is done
in this i stand absolute i do not accept anything less of myself than myself as life as who i really am HERE as self responsability
i am not weak
i am strenght
within and as oneness and equality