zaterdag 14 juni 2008

2008 judging humans

i judge humans based on their behaviour, as myself
that s why i separate all from me, that s why i feel judged by anton, because i compare my behaviour with his and with the kind of behaviour of which i think he will feel attracted to and and then based on the similarities, i judge myself as less or better or whatever, seen thru the eyes of anton as separation of me as different behaviour, better behaviour. i judge and separate humans from me based on what they do, how they present themselves, what they produce, how they say what they say, often i miss what they re actually saying cause i m too pre occupied with how they re saying it. i judge them on how they seem to be. self honest behaviour, open behaviour, mean behaviour, cool behaviour, interesting behaviour. and looks, which is pretty much the same.

and i get jealous of other people s behaviour because i think they are more self honest than me, more self assured than me, more real than me, more in touch with themselves than me. or i look down on them because i think that my behaviour is more self honest than theirs.
i separate self honesty and process from me by turning it into a definition, a picture, an appearance. something to be compared, as pictures. always remaining a surface, defining myself as others as a surface, only appearance, only seeming life, comparable, judgable. something you can see.

and also i try to act and seem like the humans i judge as self honest, who seem self honest in their behaviour, because i think that i will be self honest if i can get people to see me that way.
so i have the idea that i can only be something or someone if others see me that way.

that s why i think i can get influenced by behaviour of others: sexy behaviour, angry behaviour, smart behaviour, stupid behaviour, insulting behaviour.
like this writing aswell: i judge as behaviour, as separation from myself, something that will make me seem a certain way because it can be compared to the 'behaviour', the writings of others.
i ve defined myself according to this separation as picture as judgement as behaviour as what my eyes see and what my thoughts feelings and emotions compare.

it s why i think i cant live without a positive judgement over what i do and how i look how i seem, never mind who i am. it s all about how i seem...
it s why i try to be someone i m not,-->TRY?!!!!
just so i could get that positive judgement on my behaviour because i think i am that, that comparable, gradable, changable, adaptable, judgeable behaviour
the separation, really defined by the separation between pictures in this picture world
the seeming difference between humans, which can be graded
into seeming betterness or lessness
and the feeling of worthlessness

it is also the only reason why it is even possible to be found good enough: behaviour: can i produce the right things? can i seem the right way? can i say the right things? in the right fashion
or be found not good enough
it is the only reason why i can want or desire to be found good enough by another: because i am the one judging the other on how they seem, thus myself aswell, because i can see the other compared to me as better than me and thus want from them to see me the same way, to make me stop feeling like i m less, because my picture is judged by another as better: so i can then start feeling like i am better.

it s why i can only see myself when looking at others because i m the one doing the separation, i am the one making the definitions. and of course i want the best definition. i want to seem the best, to feel like the best.

it s why i can love another, or hate them. or envy them or look down on them. because they can seem more beautiful and honest and open and lovely than me, or the other way around.
it s why i always end up feeling less than everyone, because in the end it doesnt matter how everyone seems or how i seem. and i am placing myself less than myself by trying to seem like someone i m not.

i forgiv emyself for accepting and allowing myself to see myself instead of be myself
i forgi vmeyself fo racceptingand allowingmsyelf to see others instead of be others
i forgive myself fo racceptingandallowingmsyelf to compare what i see by separating what i see, by seeing everything i see as separate from me
i forgiv emyself for acceptingandallowingmyself to build up an individual identity as a picture by comparison with other pictures thru separation as who i ve allowed myself to become
i forgi vmeyself fo r having accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to this separate identity as comparable tru behaviour and what seems to be as pictures
i forgiv meyself for acceptingandallowing myself to separate thru judgement and reject sertain judgements and desire sertain other judgements, therefore reject sertain humans and desire other humans
i forgi vmeyself for not accepting and allowing myself to realise that all i did was separate myself from myself thru systems which i allowed to manifest inside myself and think that it is others that are what they seem, that are the judgements i place on them as me and that i should either try to be like them or avoid being like them. depending on what my system as who i ve allowed myself to become needs to sustain itself.
i forgi vmeyself fo racceptingandallowingmsyelf to define others based on what they do and how they do it and how they look as a picture as a behaviour
i forgi vmeyself for acceptingandallowingmsyelf to separate others by comparing my behaviour with theirs
i forgi vmeyself for acceptingand allowingmyself to judge sertain humans as better than me becasue i judge their behaviour as better than me
i forgive myself for acceptingandallowingmyself to think i must act the same behaviour and look the same way as these other humans to also be that judgement that i placed on their behaviour
i forgive myself for acceptingandallowingmsyelf to believe that i am a judgement, a seemingly
seemingly: see me in lie
i forgi vemyself for accepting and allowingmyself to want to be like others and the judgement i place over their seeming existance
i forgive myself fo racceptingandallowingmyself to think and feel like my seeming existence is less than others seeming existance because i see them as more real and more self honest than me and others as less self honest and real than me
i forgive myself for having accepted andallowed myself to believe what my eyes see
i forgive myself fo r having accepted anda llowed myself to define myself according to the image and description and judgement of me i have in my mind, compared with the image and judgement of others
i forgiv myself for allowingmyself for only enjoying what i do when i compare it with what others do and judge it as better: more funny, more insightful, smarter etc
i forgi vmyself for acceptingandallowingmyself to to think that i am what i do and how i behave
i forgiv meyself fo raccepting and allowingmyself to think that it is possible for others to be more insightful, more self honest, more intelligent, etc than me
i forgiv myself for not allowingmyself to realise the self in self honesty
as in myself as in who i am
thus others cant be better at being me haha
i forgive myself for acceptingandallowingmyself to believe that it is possible for others to be better than me thus it is also impossible for me to be better than another
i forgive myself fo racceptingand allowingmyself to want others to see who i am
i for giv emyself fo r not allowingmyself to realise that who i am cannot be seen it can only be self realised, systems use their eyes to understand who they are: a picture
i am not a picture
i forgive myself fo raccepting and allowingmyself to think it is possible for me to see self honesty or insightfulness or decisiveness or directiveness within another by using my eyes
i forgive myself for not allowingmyself to realise that i cant recognise something in another if i havent realised it in myself
i forgive myself for allowingmyself to think that life and self honesty can be described or defined or captured within a picture
i for give myself fo raccepting andallowingmyself to think i can only be myself as self honesty and insightfulness if others see me that way
i forgive myself fo raccepting and allowingmyself to define others by what i see, by how i judge their picture and behaviour
i forgi vmeyself fo r not allowingmyself to realise that i am the one making the pictures, i am the one making the judgements as separations as things i havent yet realised as who i am or who i have allowed myself to become
i forgive myself for accepting and allowingmyself to truly separate all of me from myself, till there is nothing of me left but a longing for becoming one with what i separated from myself or a fear of facing what i have separated from myself thru denial
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be drawn to certain definitions and pictures as how i havent allowed myself to realise myself thru thoughts feelings and emotions and repelled by others as who i ve allowed myself to become as all as one as equal within allowed separation
i forgi vmyself fo raccepting andallowingmyself to use certain behaviour to make the definition of me as who i ve allowed myself to become feel good and build itself up and avoid other behaviour which makes the definition of me as who i ve allowed myself to become feel bad about itself and crumble down
i forgi vmeyself for having accepted and allowed myself to separate thoughts feelings and emotions from myself by desiring some and rejecting others
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to separate thoughts feelings and emotions from myself by judging some as self honest and pure and others as self dishonest and unpure, when there is no difference: thoughts feelings and emotions are self dishonest in all ways but i as who i am as all as one as equal am self honesty as life within myself
i forgive myself fo raccepting and allowingmyself to separate humans and things from myself as pictures by thinking that i am attached to them as a picture and fearing that if i 'lose' them as a picture, i ll lose myself because appearantly i m attached to them

i forgi ve myself fo raccepting anda llowingmyself to believe that i am those pictures and thereby fearing to lose them because appearantly i ll lose myself
i forgive myself fo rnot allowingmyself to realise the appearant nature of who i ve allowed myself to become
i as who i am am not appearant, i am, definately though not defined, i am here as all as one as equal
i forgi vmyself fo rallowingmyself to fear losing that appearant picture reality i ve allowed myself to exist within
i forgive myself fo rallowingmyself to fear simply letting go of the definitions and just be me here because i might not survive,i might upset others and trigger certain thoughts feelings and emotions in them directed towards me
i forgive msyelf for not allowingmyself to realise that fear is separation and not who i am and i can only be influenced by the system if i am of the system, i can only be influenced by fear if i am of fear, i can only be influenced by separation if i am of separation
i forgive myself for allowingmyself to believe that i need fear to survive in this picture world
i forgi vmyself fo r not allowingmyself to realise that i created this picture world and the fear as meens of separation from other beings as me so i can uncreate it
and i am uncreating it
i realise that it is not a part of creation it is aparted creation it is not who i am it is not real i am real
i realise that thoughts feelings and emotions arent real so they cant influence me as all as one as equal
i forgi vmeyself for allowingmyself to make a definition and a description of what it meens to be just me here as all as one as equal as life and then fear because appearantly i might do somethings or say somethings that i might not contol
i forgi vmyself for not allowingmyself to realise that i as life cannot be described thus not be feared, separation is fear, thus if and when i feel fear i know i am allowing myself to be a system
i forgive myself fo rallowingmyself to fear the reactions of others to what i do and say as me
i forgive myself for not allowingmyself to realise that if i fear, i am merely denying the reaction as who ive allowed myself to become within myself by projecting it onto others thus allowing myself to be a system as separation
i forgiv myself fo rallowing myself to project myself into the future, imagining what i would or might say as me as all as one as equal based on fear of failing without realising that by imagening something and fearing it i am allowing myself to be the very system i fear as fear as who i ve allowed myself to become


till here and no further
i realise that i am no system
i realise that i am the sole creater lol the soul creater of this entire soul constructed realityas who i ve allowed myself to become as separation as a system
i realise that i am not this fear that sustains the appearant nature of this reality i ve allowed myself to create: the system
i am not imagination
i cannot be imagined
i cannot be projected
i cannot be influenced by me
i am not fear
i am here as all as one as equal
i do not fear pictures and appearant realities because i realise i do notappear to be i am

i forgi vmyself fo rallowingmyself to compare myself to what i think other pictures would do in a situation, to do the 'right' thing, to not have to take responsability for myself
i forgi ve myself fo rallowingmyself to fear hurting my moms feelings
i forgi vmeyself for allowingmyself to fear being direct towards my mom
i forgi vmeyself for allowingmyself to fear pissing my mom off making her angry by being direct
i forgi ve myself for allowingmyself to act as a docile daughter towards my mom because if i stand up to her, i might lose her as my mom
i forgi vemyself for allowingmsyelf to think i must act as a daughter towards my mom
i forgi ve myself fo rallowingmyself to think i am not strong enough to face the consequences that my words have
i forgi vemyself for allowingmsyelf to like my mom being protective of me
i forgi vemyself for allowingmsyelf to define myself as protected by my mother
i forgi vemyself for allowingmsyelf to define myself as a daughter
i forgi vemyelf for allowing myself to fear hearing my own voice when i speak as me towards my mother, to fear me standing up as my words
i forgi vmyself for allowingmyself to fear standing up as me
i forgive msyelf for allowingmyself to not trust myself and rather trust my doubts and reasonings of my mind as who i ve allowed myself to become
i forgi vemysel for allowingmyself to fear an uncertain future if i were to stand up as me
i forgive myself for allowingmyself to project my security onto my mother therefore thinking i need her to keep me stable
i forgi vemyself for allowingmyself to define me as weak for succumbing to my mothers will
i forgive myself for allowingmyself to doubt wether what i will say will be good enough, will matter, is right
i forgi vemyself for allowing myself to listen to what my mother tells me and let me get influenced by it out of fear of taking responsability for what i do
i forgi vemyself for allowingmyself to only do something that has the support of my mother
the emotional support of my mother because i fear standing alone in what i do
i forgi vemyself for allowingmyself to fear standing alone in what i do because it might fail
i forgiv emyself for allowingmyself to be stopped in what i do by fear of judgement of others
i forgi vemyself for allowingmsyelf to think that the judgement can influence me
i forgiv emyeslf fo rnot allowingmsyelf to realise that i make and create the judgement thru fear by who i ve allowed myself to become as separation as system
i forgi vemyself for allowingmyself to believe thatif i am alone there is more chance to fail
i forgi vemyself fo rallowingmyself to not realise that i am always alone all one
i am one and equal to my mother
i am here
i am not weak
i am not docile
i do not have to listen to her
i do not need her
i do not need to fear losing her
i am here
i cannot lose me
and me is all i am
i decide who i am in what i do

1 opmerking:

marlenlife zei

hi Kim!

i got this thing once at chat where dimensions said that misspelling a word continuously while writing self forgiveness was indicating separation with that particular word. I've noticed that the word forgiveness is usually separated or incomplete.. so yeah just so you check that out... don't remember exact day of chat but... not that long ago.