2008 fear self forgiveness

i fear
writing on chat
i fear writing here
i fear so much
fear that it will not be good enough
for others as separate
from me as who i ve allowed myself to become
when i feel like i m exposed, like others can read than i fear immediately and
dont wantt o anymore because i might fail, it is immense the fear of failure in me, it s like i cannot move me, in any way because i might scew up. it might not be good enough, it might not live up to the standards or expectations that others might have of me. which i want to live up to , otherwise i wont get positive attention or wont be accepted.
i still need others to give me approval and to compare me with and to look at to see ok i m doing allright. and i fear doing things that they will think is annoying or boring or less than they expected of me. then they wont be interested in me anymore...
like i m only interested in few people, people that did something i didnt expect of them, who suddenly got my positive attention. and then, when they do something else which i judge as not so interesting or special anymore, i dont really find them so cool anymore. so i fear that happening with me.
i need to be innovative, interesting special, remarkable, unpredictable. so everyone will notice me and think 'wow, i didnt expect that of her', so all of a sudden, they ll start seeing me as very cool.
and then i have that 'cool' image of myself in my mind and think i must keep living up to that so i feel like i cant do anything anymore, i cant move anymore because it doesnt fit, it isnt good enough, my image might fall in the eyes of others now. cause i m simply not cool, it isnt me, im no image.
like on chat again, i couldnt speak because i felt like i didnt understand the conversations, i didnt understand how everyone can speak like that like loose freely, just speaking, and i constantly feel like i ve noting to say or i fear saying something because i might be interrupting and i might be 'wrong' in what i say: like everyones just talking and here i come saying something that just disrupts the intire conversation. so i m talking for others , to get a reaction, not just unconditionally for myself as myself by myself thru myself, to myself

i forgiv emyself fo raccepting and allowingmyself to create expectations for myself in my mind and feel like i must live up to them
i forgi vemyself for accepting and allowing myself to think that others have expectations towards me that i must live up to otherwise i wont be accepted
i forgiv emyself for accepting and allowingmyself to fear slipping up
i forgi vmeyslef fo raccepting and allowingmsyelf to fear others thinkiing i m wrong as in self dishonest or boring or stupid or uninteresting
i forgive myself fo raccepting and allowing myself to want to fit in
i forgiv emyself fo raccepting and allowingmysefl to when i speak to people speak from the wanting to fit in and be part of the group and be found ok
i forgi vmeyself for accepting and allowing myself to think i need desteni, that they can help me and therefor e that they must like me
i forgiv emyself fo raccepting and allowing myself to think i relate to desteni forum members because we re all in process so we ll be able to talk about the same things
i forgiv emyself fo raccepting and allowingmsyelf to want to be able to speak as friends with desteni forum members
i forgiv emyself fo raccepting and allowingmysefl to want desteni forum members to see me as their friend, someone they like and find interesting
i forgi vmeyself for accepting and allowingmyself to fear desteni forum members thinking when i speak when they see my words that i dont quite get it that i m still deceiving myself
i forgi vemyself for accepting and allowingmyself to fear not getting it and thus fear speaking because it might show to others that i dont get it
i forgi vmeyself fo raccepting and allowingmysefl to separate myself from it by thinking i must get it and not realising that i am one and equal to it, there s nothing to get i just am
i forgi vmeyself fo raccepting and allowingmsyefl to want the approval and positive responses of desteni so i may think and feel like i m on the right track and i m not alone
i forgiv emyself fo raccpeting and allowingmsyefl to divert my responsability and process towards desteni and think that they play a crucial part in my process and i mustnt lose them
i forgiv emyself fo raccepting and allowingmyself to separate desteni from me by thinking i can lose them and fear that if i would lose them, i will be lost
i forgi vmeyself fo raccepting and allowingmsyelf to separate desteni forum members from myself by making an image of them in my mind, an image that i can turn to an image that i can relate to to know that i am not alone and doing well
i forgive myself fo raccepting and allowingmyself to define myself according to the image of desteni and it s members i have in my mind
i forgiv emyself fo raccepting and allowing myself to separate my trust and strength and certainty and security from myself by projecting it onto desteni therefore thinking i need desteni to feel safe and ok and strong
i forgiv emyself fo racceptin gand allowingmsyefl to often think with things i do 'what would bernard or matti or maite or...' do
i forgiv meyself for accepting and allowingmsyefl to want to escape my responsability for me as me by comparing me to the image i have of bernard, matti maite, gabriel,... in my mind as separation of me as who i ve allowed myself to become and want to do what i think they would do because i see them as better than me, more certain
i forgi vmeyselff for accepting and allwoingmsyefl to think that if i behave and do like all other desteni forum members do i will be safe, i will be right
i forgi vmeyself fo raccepting and allwoingmsyeflf to want to be right in what i do
i forgiv emysefl fo raccepting anda llwoingmsyefl to think that the others are right so i must be like them
i forgiv meyslef fo r not allowingmysefl to trust me as all as one as equal here
i forgi veyself fo raccepting and allowing myself to fear not doing the right thing as me and then making something happen that looks seems bad and then feeling stupid because it was my fault
i forgiv emyself fo raccpeting and allowingmysefl to want to be like others and do like others so that whatever happens due to what i do i will feel like it s supposed to happen because i m following the rules of behaviour
i forgiv emyslef f or accepting and allowing myself to act according to habbits and patterns and 'rules and codes', so that i wont have to take responsability for the consequences of my actions
i forgive myself fo raccepting and allowingmyself to react to images i have in my mind that i created based on how people look, what they said what they did etc and think i need these images to notice me as an image like i notice them
i forgiv emyself fo raccepting and allowingmyself to believe that these images are really other humans
i forgiv meyslef fo r not accepting and allowingmyself to realise that i am not an image not an idea, i am breath i am here, so are others as me as all as one as equal
i forgive myslef for allowingmyself to think that i cant live with other people because i cant seem to communicate with them
i forgiv meyslef fo r not allowingmyself to realise that i am communication as life within myself, fearless, within all as one as equal, as myself, without separation, without fear
i forgiv emysefl for acceptin and allowingmyself to let myself be dictated by fear of losing people, fear of losing peoples positive attention when i communicate
i forgiv eyslef fo raccepting an dlalowingyself to fear others being annoyed by what i say or do and then decide not to speak to stay in the illusion that i am safe because others still like me
i forgi ve myself fo rallowing myself to think i must make a positive impression on people
i forgiv emyslef for accepting and allowingyself to think i need people to survive
i forgiv eyslfe fo raccepting and allwoingmsyefl to think i must stay nice and good towards people to keep them liking me because i think i need them for stuff that i need to stay alive
i forgiv emyself fo raccepting and allowingmyself to think i need a social network of sorts to stay alive and to be able to provide for myself
i forgive myself fo raccepting and allowing myself to think i cannot provide for myself
i forgi vmeyslef fo raccepting and allowing myself to want to be part of something like a group or a project so i can feel like i am safe
i forgiv emyslef fo raccepting and allowingmyslef to think i need to be in a group to feel safe
i forgivemyselff ora ccepting and allowingmyself to think others are more capable than me
i forgive myself fo racceptin and allowingmyself to think i dont know what i m doing or i dont know what is the right thing to do and so i have to look at others and follow others
i forgive myself fo racceptin and allowingmyself to think and believe that there exist standards of life, rules of living
i forgi vemyslef for accepting and allowingmyself fo racceptin and allowing myself to think i have to follow certain rules when communicating with humans so i ll get from them what i want, which is attention and approval
i forgi vmeyslef for accepting and allowing myself to place my life and my directive power in the hands of others because of fear of not doing the right thing, fear of failing
i forgive myself for accepting and allowingmyself to think that people thinking i m a good person will keep me safe
i forgiv emyslef for accepting and allowingmyself to believe that i can fail or be wrong in something
i forgive mysefl for acceptin agnd allowingmyself to think and believe that others know better than me
i forgive myself fo raccepting and allowingmyself to think that life is a matter of knowing, that life has to be known,has to answer to certain rules of life
i forgiv emyslef fo raccepting and allowing myself to be angry at other humans because i always believed them to be better and more secure than me and because i always followed their lead thinking that they know
i forgi vemyslef for allowing myself to get angry at myself for having always denied myself as directive principle of life as life by placing my trust and life in the hands of others out of fear of not living my life the right way out of fear of losing support from other humans
i forgive myself for allowing myself to want to project an image of myself towards others so they may support that image and i will feel supported
i forgive myself for not allowingmyself to realise that the only thing that needs support to surviveis a system like what i ve allowed myself to become within separation of myself as who i ve allowed myself to become
i forgive myself fo rallowing myself to fear not being an image as separation, just being here as me because i m then not supported
i forgive myself fo r not allowing myself to realise myself as here i am here
as all as one as equal
i dont need support i am support as life within myself
i m not rules
rules dont exist
i am boundryless
i am freedom
i am unchained unruled undirected
i am self direction here as me
as life
i am no picture neither are others
there are no others there s only me here
as the living word as life within myself
as breath