2008 enslaved by fear

i m having a head ach quite strongly and tension in my stomach.
i feel fear, i feel it on my sholders: fear of my mother, again.
fear of my employers tomorrow when i go to work: again.
enslaved am i, inferior towards humans that have appearant power over me. i am so docile and obedient. always used to be: in school aswell, petrified of stepping out of line, of doing something someone might not agree with. terrified of teachers, parents, employers becoming angry or frustrated with me. fear of the future 'what will become of me' if i were to lose their approval. i wouldnt be able to handle the anger, i wouldnt be able to 'defend' myself or to rescue myself.
i fear not being in control, that s also why i fear speaking up to my mom because i think i know the outcome: she has the last word and i m not really certain of what i m saying is even true because what my mother says is 'always true' and if i say it s not i undermine her authority, 'how dare i? dont i know that she lets me live here, i must show a little respect towards her..'
oh my big fears of just being myself, because i might just do something wrong, something she or my employers dont like. people that control me in providing me with money and house and food
i see not having a job as the worst thing possible. that would mean that i m insufficient and free loader, i dont want to work and live off other people s money and work. i didnt work for a while and felt really guilty, got a job as soon as possible to make me feel good about myself towards my mother: so that my mother sees me as a productive member of society.

i still feel pathetic, when i think about 'having' to stand up as me, and the possible consequences, because. if eel like i have to do it, when comparing myself to others, : having to fit in again.
so i m constantly thinking' oh god i have to stand up for myself as myself around here, cause if i dont, i ll be behind in process'.
i dont want to seem weak and stupid. so i pretend to stand up for as myself, to myself so i can feel like i do, but in fact i dont. in fact i m so much consumed with fear of failing in the eyes of others, so consumed with comparing myself with others that i can t possible know who i am let alone stand up for myself. i fail to take complete self responsability. only a little: just enough to be part of the concept 'process', failing to actually realise what this means: doing this absolute, alone , no comparing, breaking thru the fear no matter what because i am not fear, i am me here, no one else is going to do this for me. i had 'thought' to be able to do this in a gentle and friendly way, keeping the projected safety like mom job desteni etc, keeping my system...

not putting myself on the line, because i m so scared of that, everytime i m faced with a situation where standing up is required, i stay seated... and it gets more difficult every time. i m just too scared. i want to hold onto my ego and all the system shit while standing up: calculating the reactions, the possible reactions trying to make it safe for me in my mind to stand up.

and then i try to get it out of my system by doing self forgiveness, which obviously doesnt work anymore.
my
i am a coward
i let my mother command me, enslave me, i allow that, because i always think 'o it s not soo bad', why would i have to say anything to this, i m not really bothered.

fearing to speak and voice me. always looking at what others tell me like desteni, what do others do, what does bernard say, what do they do. and then i see that they stand up and i think i do it too but actually i dont.
i really dont

and sure i can have the insight and shit, but it doesnt matter if i dont place it into application. i think i dont know how, because i listen to fear. i listen to infeariority: in fear i or i die

i react in stead of stand up. and reaction is again desparate behaviour for trying to hold onto the system, by expecting a reaction back to which i can then againg react etc.

i react from anger, anger because i feel infearior. anger to cover up the inferiority with superiority 'i am right' ' i am right, you are wrong'
no: i am me
as all as one as equal
i dont 'have to ' react
i dont 'have to' stand up
i am and as me i stand up from the system that i ve allowed myself to become, no fear

the tension in my stomach just wont go away, after doing self forgiveness, i cant say why
i think i ts the idea that i am truly alone in this process

i really cling to groups, i seem to depend on them

i forgive myself fo rallowingmsyelf to define myself according to the 'desteni group'
i forgive myself for allowingmyself to want to be liked by the group, by a group
i forgiv emyself for allowingmsyelf to create a personality based on what the group will like and accept
i forgi vmeyself fo rallowingmyself to create a social network of humans that accept me so i can feel safe
i forgive myself for acceptingandallowing myself to want everyone to like me and have fun with me or appreciate me
i forgiv emyself for accepting and allowingmsyelf to fear just being me standing up as me because i might lose the approval of a person
i forgi vemyself for allowingmyself to want the people in the group the think i belong because i have a lively personality
i forgi ve myself for allowingmsyelf to believe that i am a group animal
i forgi vemyself for allowingmsyelf to be directed by what the group does and wants
i forgi vmeyself for allowingmsyelf to think i have to follow the group
i forgi vemyself for not allowingmsyelf to realise that life doesnt travel in packs
i am life and i am alone all one
there is no group
i forgi vemyself fo rallowingmyself to believe that i can only be myself if i am accepted by the group
i forgive myself for allowing myself to believe that if i have a conversation with someone in which they enjoy themselves, i am accepted because i feel good about myself
i forgive myself for allowingmsyelf to want to make people laugh with me so i can feel part of a group
i forgive myself for allowingmsyelf to separate humans from myself by thinking i need them to appreciate my presence
i forgive myself fo rallowingmsyelf to think it is only ok for me to be somewhere if my presence is wanted and appreciated
i forgive myself fo rallowingmsyelf to compare myself with what the other people in the group do and then try to do similar to be accepted
i forgive myself for allowingmyself fo rallowingmyself to define myself according to systematic behaviour within separation
i forgi vemyself for allowingmsyelf to define myself according to the need to be accepted by others
i forgi vmeyself for acceptingandallowingmsyelfto say things to fit in with the group
i forgi vemyself for allowingmsyelf to say things of which i think will be accepted
i forgi vmeyelf fo rallowingmsyelf to fear being just me here alone as all as one as equal
i forgi vmeyself fo ralloiwngmsyelf to pretend that i am better than who i really am
out of fear that i wont be liked
i forgi ve myself for allowingmsyelf to think that others are better than me and i have to meet their standards to be accepted
i forgive myself for allowingmyself to like certain people, that make me feel good about myself, better than other people , that make me feel bad about myself
i forgi vemyself for allowingmsyelf to fear people seeing that i only ask things to belong withthe group
i forgive myself fo rallowingmsyelf to want to be the same as the people in the group to create the group feeling
i forgive myself for allowingmsyelf to wantt o feel like i belong somewhere or with someone
i forgi ve myself fo rallowingmyself to limit myself as self expression by doing what i think others would like to see
i forgi vemyself for allowing myself to see that behaviour projected in others as separation of me as who i ve allowed myself to become
i forgi vemyself for allowingmsyelf to want the group to have fun with me so i can feel good about myself because i think others feel good about me
i forgi vemyself fora llowingmsyelf to think i have to pay attention to others so that i would get it back from them
i forgi meyself for allowingmsyelf to do everything from the starting point of wanting attention for it
i forgi vmyself fo rallowingmsyelf to feel bad when i dont get that attention
i forgi vmyself fo rallowingmsyelf to separate myself from the people in the group by only seeing what they see as a reaction or action, not as one and equal to what i do or say
i forgive myself fo rallowingmyself to think that what i say is more important because it defines who i am
i forgi vemyself fo rallowingmsyelf to think that what i do or say defines who i am

till here and no further:
i am not definabel
becasue i am one and equal to all beings
there is no group and i dont have to pay anyone attention
because attention does not exist
only in separation
which is not who i am
i am alone as all as one as equal
noone decides for me only me
as who i am as the directive principle of life as life within myself