2008 Tensing up

i notice i still 'tense up' when i am around my mother or my family, i sort of 'freeze up', and i am afraid of doing sf when i react, and i start thinking about it: projecting it into the future, with a possible outplay of my mother and family getting upset, because of the things i say that they would take personally.
and them then rejecting me.

so, i notice that i really never had any trust in myself, as ALONE, as directive principle. and so, now, i seem to be really afraid of standing alone, of having the beings in my life turn their backs on me, because i ve allowed myself to exist within and as this relationship with them, sort of expecting them to take care of me and support me and therefore i am actually more constantly considering them and their thoughts than myself and my movements, as who i am HERE.

it is fascinating, when i am around them, like this morning as they were all in the kitchen (my mother, her boyfriend, my brother, his girlfriend), and i was taking something to eat, i really felt 'non-existent', i was more 'in them' than 'in myself', more 'there' than 'here', living from the outside in. and constantly considering their judgement over every move i make, everything i do, would/might do, say, would/might say..

so, what does it mean, to walk ALONE in this world?
it means ALL ONE
it means that there exist no thought or consideration about: 'what will they think of me if i would do this/that? no more considering the existence of 'other humans' because there really are no 'others', all is HERE, and i AM alone
walking in absolute self trust, in the moment, so therefore, there exist no future, because future indicates desire, desire indicates separation, separation is no longer ALONE, when i am no longer alone, it means that i can apparantly 'lose something' so i will then exist in fear of losing that something in the future.
and then i will become a system, considering thoughts and wants needs and desires of other beings, so i would 'get what i want', so i can feel safe.

so, what am i afraid of losing?
relationships

because i have defined myself according to relationships within not accepting myself HERE as alone, i always wanted to be around other beings, i always suppressed my expression because i wanted them to like me. i am terrified of being rejected, mocked, laughed at, ignored, etc..

i have become a slave to other beings, to what they want, so therefore i am really afraid of 'just letting go' of those relationships within giving them what they want in my mind, afraid of no more considering their 'presence' around me, and just moving me, ALONE. it would be like 'letting go' of my very existence, because really: who am i as ALONE?

i forgive myself for allowing myself to think that enjoying myself, means 'other being like me' 'other beings enjoy me'

i forgive myself for allowing myself to not really want to enjoy 'myself' because then i would not get a good feeling anymore, that i get when i think that others like me

i forgive myself for allowing myself to not trust myself in my movements, in what i do, as i have always only moved myself within the consideration of what other beings might think of it

i never moved ME

i forgive myself for allowing myself to, with everything i do, try to achieve that 'good feeling' that i get when i think that others like, appreciate, notice me

i forgive myself for allowing myself to want to do what i do FOR OTHERS, so they might benefit, so they might feel good, so they will recognise me for what i do 'for them'

i forgive myself for allowing myself to not trust myself as SELF expression, to fear actually moving ME, without considering what other beings think, because i ve allowed myself to believe that i am too weak to stand alone in and as my expression

i forgive myself for allowing myself to constantly and continuously think about the future, to 'keep me safe', as i do not trust me HERE, i do not trust that i will support myself in every moment of breath, as i have allowed relationships with others to be my foundation on which i stand

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to believe that 'as long as i feel good about what i do, i am doing the right thing', so therefore i only do things in which i can feel recognised by others, and never actually move me as me for me

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to not want to let go of the 'good feeling'

i forgive myself for allowing myself to not want to let go of the separation that i have allowed myself to create, wherein i believe and perceive me to be 'not alone', so it seems that i dont have to accept myself completely, others will do this for me

i forgive myself for allowing myself to want 'a secure future', as in images within my mind wherein i can see what i will do in the future, because i do not trust or accept myself enought to know that i will stand as me, here, stable, no matter what happens, so i do not trust myself in and as SELF expression, where i do not consider judgements or opinions of others

i forgive myself for allowing myself to still consider the system, to still consider that other beings have opinions and thoughts and judgements about me, because i dont really want to stand alone, i still want other beings to 'be there for me'

i forgive myself for allowing myself to separate myself from what i do or say, by wanting and expecting recognition from other people about it

i forgive myself for allowing myself to not really do what i do as a self expression, but to in a way do it 'for' others, so they would be pleased, so they will give me recognition for it

i forgive myself for allowing myself to not want to do what i do only for me, because i ve allowed myself to not like myself, to not accept myself, to not like being with me

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to actually believe that i cannot just walk in this world 'as i see fit', that i cannot just 'not consider other beings opinions of me', because that is not 'the way', it is not right, i am tought by my parents and environment that i have to consider other beings in all that i do

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to trap and enslave myself within creating relationships with the beings in my world, thus giving away my power and self directiveness, and not express myself as myself, because i might 'lose' those beings

i forgive myself for allowing myself to expect and want other beings to 'be there for me', to, in a way, still back me up, and still form my foundation on which i can stand

i forgive myself for allowing myself to believe that i cannot actually take care of myself in every way, that i do not have 'the abilities' to do what is necessairy to be done

i forgive myself for allowing myself to compare myself with bernard, and to think and believe that i could not do what he did, that i could not 'direct this world as me, that i dont know how to do that, because i have never done that, i have never done anything for and as myself

because i have always placed other beings 'above me', thus i was always searching for their recognition, as a 'pat on the head', so i could feel 'alright'

iforgive myself for having allowed myself to always do what others do, because i never trusted myself as self directiveness, because i believed me to be weak and 'less than', i believed myself to not have 'the ability' to know and see what is necessairy to be done for me as all as one as equal

i forgive myself for allowing myself to want to please another in what i do, so i can feel as though 'i am doing the right thing' because another is pleased with what i do, because i get a 'nice feeling' about what i do as i can think that i am recognised by another

i forgive myself to actually not really care about myself HERE, to not really care about the experience of me, therefore not really care about all as one as equal, but only care about getting a good feeling as self interest

i forgive myself for allowing myself to place others above me so i dont have to stand up as me, so i dont absolutely have to accept myself HERE

i forgive myself for allowing myself to sell myself to others, to become in a way 'a prostitute', within that not caring about myself, giving myself away, giving LIFE away so the system as other beings can use and abuse me for their pleasure, so i could 'feel good about myself because another wants me'

because i do not want me, i do not want to actually accept me HERE

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to abuse myself by judging myself thru the eyes of another, by placing myself under them , by believing and perceiving myself to be less, by litterally giving myself away so other beings could take responsability for me, so i dont have to face myself ALONE

i forgive myself for allowing myself to hate myself, to hate being alone with me, and in that believe that other beings are 'better than me', that they are 'perfect' and so i want to be around them and i want them to like and love and want me, so i can atleast feel good about myself as seen thru their 'perfect' eyes

i forgive myself for allowing myself to actually believe that other people are 'better' than me, that who i am is really less than who they are

i forgive myself for not allowing myself to realise that this entire reality is systems, is an absolute disgrace of LIFE, every being in this world is a system just like me, and all systems are based on self hate, so no one is better or 'more perfect' than me, we are all exactly the same, one and equal in the same shit

so: within this, it is my responsability to stand up as life, it is my responsability to not consider anything or anyone outside of myself

to realise that all is HERE within and as myself and i DO have the ability to stand up in and as breath

i forgive myself for allowing myself to want to feel better than other beings, to compensate for 'feeling less and weak', instead of just being myself, constant, stable

i forgive myself for allowing myself to believe that other beings can give me something i need, within relationship with them

i forgive myself for allowing myself to expect other beings to give me a good feeling about myself

i forgive myself for allowing myself to desire feeling exitement when i am around another being, to desire attention from them, because i have allowed myself to give my power away to the beings around me by not wanting to accept myself HERE

ALONE

i forgive myself for allowing myself to make and create future projections of me, actually entirely based on receiving recognition for what i will/might do in the future, thus entirely based on not doing what i do for and as myself as a SELF expression

i forgive myself for allowing myself to, from the moment that someone pays attention or notices what i do, do it FOR them, for their recognition, and see what i do thru their eyes, so i can feel good about what i do

because this person apparantly has a better view on things, this person is apparantly bigger/greater than me HERE, thus what they think of what i do is apparantly 'right'

i forgive myself for allowing myself to want to show beings that i am perfect, just like how i believe them to be, and therefore constantly fear that they might see that i make mistakes, or that they might see that i say and do 'stupid stuff'

i forgive myself for allowing myself to respect other beings within the belief that they are better than me, to respect their opinion about me, not realising that any and all opinions come from the one dimensional perspective of the mind, it will only serve the self interest of that being, so they cannot possibly see who i am and recognise me for who i really am

i forgive myself for allowing myself to actually know this yet still deceive myself by still trying to please them and try to show them that i am 'cool' or 'better than them', thus forcing myself to be someone i am really not, just so i could get a good feeling about myself

i forgiv emyself for allowing myself to be unwilling to see other beings for who they truly are, but to want to remain 'blissfully unaware' and actually believe that they are perfect and better than me, for if i would see the truth, i would have to stand up and say: till here and no further!!