2008 all about me

i dont talk about myself on the forum much
because i always think that i would be stupid for asking quesions or talking about myself
in class i never asked questions and i found people who asked questions stupid and dumb and i found myself smarter better than that. so now , on chat , i feel like asking questions sometimes but i fear them being dumb or stupid .
i wanna seem smart. i wanna let people know that i am fully self realised. that i belong with the 'in-crowd'.
i dunno, i guess maybe knowledge without application again.
i feel really stupid all the time, and intrusive, and annoying and like people see that i m full of shit well not really like that but that i dont really know what they are talking about and i m trying to say things to help or make some kind of statements but they re stupid and not helping or assisting because i m reacting to an image of people in my mind

i seem to be consumed with envy, jealousy. of people s expression, because i want to be that way.
like catherines expression almost made me cry of self pity that she has that and i dont, i feel really stupid and....

she gets positive attention from others and i want that . what she writes is so smart and cool and insightful and great and beautiful and i with everything i write try to be myself but i dont know what to say
i try to write godsdomskdihjpoizthjmlzrgjpgj
and i cry and dont know why
i who am i i want attention i want attention i want people to seeeeeee mmeeeeeeeee
please!!!!!!!!!!!!!
who am i around people as me, who am i if not them?
who am i
i feel so worthless, so dumb, so stupid...
because i just want to fit in, i m afraid of just being me because, in a group i dont know what that meens
qgsuyqzhfd fuuuuuck
i feel like i m falling apart
ego
is falling
rules fading
i know i am not rules
social codes
who am i here, everything seems to be for others, everything
ooooooo, the coonstant judgement
i feel so pityful
and want people to take pity on me, and care for me, and do this for me, take away my responsability, by accepting me into the group and letting me know that
i pretend
i act like other members of the 'group' so i can be accepted
but desteni is not a group, they are humans within their own self expression
they do not take shit
and i know it
so i realise constantly i mfull of shit
because i cant fake expression
i cant pretend to be someone else s expression
but who am I?
i seem to want to let people know who i am, be noticed, so they will think about me
i m constant ly comparing to all of them, to want to feel good about myself to think i am better i am 'more self realised'
so i can feel good better, like above people, allknowing, allseeing
and i feel ashamed for admitting that
that it was all an act
i feel like this entire process was just to fit in
was just for them
even now still as i am typing, seeing it thru the eyes of another
how can i stand up as me if i dont know who i am?
or where
i feel so pityful
like i m the only one having this crappy system, feeling this crappy
comparing to others to this extent
what is flowing, who am i , why should i , is it worth it, am i worth it
why do i do it
for who?
i f there s no one to see it, then why bother
if there s noone to approve me in it then why bother
i want people to take pity on me and say, aw you poor child i can see you re suffering, let me help you, i ll do it for you.
i seem to think it s impossible to write anything just for me as me, because i fear me, i fear being here with me, because i dont make me feel good about myself
just for me, as me, would i even do sf?
would i even use terms as oneness and equality and self corrective applications
i m always making definitions of myself towards other humans,like how would i be as self realised towards others
holding on to the separation
wanting people to have a positive rememberance , image of me in their mind...
what is a negative then?
i fear them judging me as 'not as self realised as they are', 'still very much in the mind and self deception', the way i judge others. funny
how i see others is like a picture, no debth, the words get judged immediately. but me: i m the one with depth

but no not really
what i see in others is 'how much attention do they get from others' adn i want that attention
i want people to give it to me
how do i type as me, how can i be as catherine
as the flow i see in her, the self honest nature of catherine that i dont find myself worthy enough to be because i ve always lied to others as myself, not even realising, not knowing how not to
i cry but i find myself not worthy of crying
i rub my hair but find myself not worthy of rubbing my hair
i feel like i ve always pretended, i ve found myself so cool so great that to realise that i am the complete opposite right now is just so much to bare, i feel so ashamed and so guilty
i just want to run away and not face desteni forum members any more
ok not really but yeah in a way, because i always feel like stupid and dumb and like i wanna belong like i need attention
confirmation
when cath and fidelis were in release thing together, i felt anger towards catherine, because i was jealous, because i wanted that attention from fidelis
i even thought the whole thing was an act, totally fake, because i could not imagine it being real
because i am not real
and that was
and seeing that real my ego resented it because i want it but dont want to take responsability to 'get it'
and i dont want to realise that i have indeed been lying to myself all this time, within the image of myself i wanted to project towards others. out of not wanting people to see my dishonesties, not wanting to admit that i might be wrong in who i think i am
desperately hoding onto ego because of fear of failure
fear that people might see me fail, fall, trip and faaaallllll

i feel like saying what happened to me on chat but i hold myself back because i think they wont want to hear it
i meen they might find me interruptive, talking about myself , interrupting the conversation
with saying something, maybe theyll think i want their attention by saying it
and i think that they already think that way about me, that they are kinda annoyed by me
i m feeling self pityful again, making things worse for me so that i can feel like this all just happened to me and i did not create it

ok it s really scary appearantly to just be here as me, no separation, because i keep rereading my writings thru the eyes of others as separation to keep feeling good about myself , by thinking that this will be found as cool and commented on and then i will feel good about myself cause of the comments again.

i am alone, here
ok that s big
i am truly alone
who am i talking to then? ok nevermind

i want to be found funny on chat so i can have fun and feel like i m accepted because people find me funny and i want to interact with the conversation so i can feel like part of it all
i m jealous of everyone interacting with one another like they re best friends , like they can look into each other
and i m just looking, trying to understand and sometimes seeing where i can say something but then when i say it it seems to be wrong, misinterpretation

i misinterpret things a lot and am often afraid to ask what people really mean when i m confused because of fear of being found stupid: i fear the 'look' that people can give that says 'you really dont understand?! are you really stupid or what?' yeah i know that look.

i sometimes want to say something about myself on chat, but i dont because i dont want people to think i want attention, then i might feel exposed and maybe they ll ignore it and ...
well that has to do with starting point

i forgive myself for accepting and allwoingmsyelf to want attention from people
i forgiv emyself for accepting and allowingmsyelf to say things to get attention from people
i forgive myself for accepting and allowingmsyelf to think i need people s attention
i forgive myselff oraccepting and lalowingmyself to fear being jusst self honest as me here because i might be stupid
i forgiv emyself fo racceptin gand allowingmsyelf to fear asking stupid questions
i forgi vemyself for acceptin gand allowingmsyelf to fear asking questions because i might judge them as stupid
i forgive msyelf fo racceptin and allowingmyself to see asking questions as a sign of stupidity
i forgiv emyself for accepting anda llwoingmsyelf to fear being found stupid
i forgiv emyslef for accepting and llwoingmyself to want to feel good about myself, to want to define myself according to being accepted by a group of humans
i forgi vemyself for accepting and allwingmsyelf to want positive reactions of humas to what i say so i can feel accepted
i forgi vemyself for accepting anda llowingmyself to feel jealousy towards what other humans say, towards the self expression i see in their words
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel angry at catherine for being so open about how she s experiencing herself because she gets attention for it and i want attention for what i say
i forgiv emyself for accepting and allowing myself to feel sad because i think that i am not that 'deep'
i forgive myself for accepting and allowingmyself to want to act funny around humans so they will react positively to me with lols and such
i forgiv emyself for accepting and allwoingmsyelf to judge myself as worthless
i forgi vmeyself fo raccepting and allowingmyself to think that i need other people to approve of me because i dont want to be just here with me because i feel so worthless
i forgi ve myself fo racceptin gand allwoingmyself to not want to take self responsability cause of fear of what i ll see
i forgive myself for acceptin gand allowingmyself to fear myself
i forgive myself fo racceptin gand allowingmyself to think that others are better than me and if they pay attention to me i will feel the same
i forgive myself for accepting and allowingmyself to fear being completely self honest because i dont find myself good enough
i forgive myself for accepting and allowingmyself to fear failing when i say things
i forgvie myself for accepting and allowingmyself to think i have to be the best or at least good enough and cool in the eyes of others
i forgiv emyself fo raccepting and allowingmsyelf to define myself according to the way i act and speak and use words and the judgement i place on what i say
i forgiv emyself for accepting and alloiwngmyself to want to hold onto my ego when realising that i have allowed myself to live a lie
i forgiv emyself for acceptin gand allowingmyself to want to be cool
i forgiv emyself for acceptin gand allowingmyself to think i am the best by comparing me with images of the forum members and other people i have in my mind as a separation of me as who i ve allowed myself to become and based on that comparison i find myself better
i forgive myself for not accepting and allowingmyself to realise that self realisation or life or process cannot be imagined, because it is not of the mind
i forgiv meyself for accepting and allowingmyself to want to be the first, the best , the greatest , because i fear people looking down on me as i look down on others
i forgiv emyself for not acceptin gand allowingmyself to realise that i am the one looking down on me finding me not good enough to spend time with
i forgiv emyself for accepting and allowingmyself to feel ashamed of myself
i forgiv emyself for acceptin gand allowingmsyelf to try to get rid of the shame by tapping into my system by imagening me being seen by others while i do things, thus defining me according to what i do compared to what others do
i forgi vmeyself for accepting and allowingmyself to want to be accepted by others
i forgiv meyself for not accepting and allowing myself to accept myself
i forgiv emyself for acceptin g and allowingmyself to fear facing me here alone, without separating myself from others and imagening them seeing me
i forgiv meyself for acceptin gand allowing myself to fear taking complete self responsability as all as one as equal here
i forgiv emyself for acceptin gand alloiwngmyself to hate myself fo r having allowed myself to become an illusion to have sold out on my self as life by wanting to be like others
i forgi vmeyself fo racceptin gand allowingmyself to want to be like other people because i think they are better then me
i forgiv emyself for accepting and allowingmyself to want people to admire me for what i do
i forgi vemyself for acceptin gand allowingmsyelf to want people to be jealous of me for what i do so that i can feel better than them
i forgi vmeyself for acceptin gand allowingmyself to want to conform and adapt to others completely so that i dont have to take responsability so i can just follow their lead and do what they do
i forgive myself fo racceptin gand allowinsgmyselfto believe that what i do is not good enough
i forgiv myself fo racceptin gand allowingmsyelf to fear just letting my hands flow because i dont feel worthy of flowing
i forgiv meyself fo racceptin gand allowingmsyelf to feel worthless and unworthy of life and self forgiveness because for so long i ve been denying myself as life
i forgive msyelf for accepting and allowingmyself to feel ashamed of just being me because it meens admitting and realising that i venever been me, i ve always pretended to be someone i am noti forgiv emyself fo racceptin gand allowingmsyelf to judge desteni forum members as better than me and wanting to be like them therefore wanting their positive reactions towards me so that i can feel like how i imagine they are
i forgi vmeyself fo raccepting and allowingmsyelf to want to be like an image in my mind because i dont find me good enough
i forgive myself fo raccepting and allowingmsyelf to not realise that i am one and equal to all and the images in my mind are of separation of myself as the system as who i ve allowed myself to become, i ve created those images to forever feel not good enough to forever be of the system enslaved
i forgive myself for not accepting and allowingmsyelf to realise life and self realisation within myself because i think i dont deserve that
i forgiv emyself for accepting and allowingmyself to truly believe that i am worse than other humans, that my system is worse
i forgive myself for acceptin gand allowingmyself to compensate the feeling of unworthyness with a feeling of being better than everyone
i forgi vemyself for having accepted and allowed myself to define myself as the polarity inferiority-superiority
i forgiv emyself for accepting and allowingmyself to fear feeling inferior and to want to feel superior
i forgiv emyself for not accepting and allowingmsyelf to realise that inferiority and superiority dont exist, it is an illusion that i ve allowed myself to believe
i forgi vemyself fo racceptin gand allowingmyself to fear realising myself as one and equal to all because i fear taking responsability for me as me
i forgi vmeyself fo raccepting and allowingmyself to divert my responsability to others by following their lead by acting talking like them to get their approval and so i can feel like i am doing the right thing because others are doing it too
i forgiv meyself fo racceptin gand allowingmyself to fear not doing the right thing if it doesnt resemble what others do
i forgiv meyself fo r not acceptin gand allowingmsyelf to realise that i allow right and wrong to exist because i allow myself to exist as a system of polarities
i forgiv meyself for accepting and allowingmsyelf to think that i must compare myself to others to know if i m doing this process right
i forgive myself for not acceptin gand allowignmyself to realise that i am merely comparing myself with myself as separation of myself as who i ve allowedmyself to become, a system
i forgive myself for not accepting and allowingmsyelf to realise that these images of other people in my mind is exactly what my particular system needs to compare itself with in order to sustain itself
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to these images in my mind, blindly believing the illusion i ve spun out for myself
i forgiv emyself for having accepted and allowed myself to define myself as being an image in my mind as my mind just as i define others as being a picture an image in and as my mind

till here and no further:
i am not worthless
i am not worthless of life
i am life
i am not worthless of self forgiveness
i am self forgiveness
i am not ridiculous
i am not stupid
i am not dumb
i am not smart
i am not the best
i am not the greatest
i am not the most insightful one
i am not special
i am one and equal to all so i dont have to compare myself with others
i realise i am only comparing myself with myself within separation of myself as the mind consciousness system i ve allowed myself to become
i am not a system
i am not an illusion
i am not an image that is comparable to other images
i realise that the images i make of others as definitions are false, lies
i realise that the image i make of myself as a definition is false is a lie
i am not better than others
i am not less than others
i realise that i am my own judge, as i judge others as me within separation of me as the mind consciousness system i ve allowed myself to become
i realise that i am not part of a group
i realise that i am alone even in the presence of others
alone am i
i am always here
as me
as breath
as all as one as life