2008 pride and prejudice

love
affection
desire
arousal
i ve just watched pride and prejudice, i enjoy the games being played between men and women. longing, looking, rejecting, loving, etc..
everytime i feel the exitement i feel guilt and remorse, because it reminds me of the love i never had but can only long for. and it has caused me a lot of grief. haha look me here all caught up in the whole pride and prejudice talk..
i enjoy imagening me in those situations , with a man close to me, playing games of attraction as foreplay. i keep thinking about anton and feel good and imagine him seeing me and being attracted to me as i to him, but then i know that will never happen he loves another + it is not who i am
i ve always been into secret emotions and feelings. well...
i pretended as if i hadnt any, but when i would get attention from a boy, i would get completely controlled by the emotions and feelings and i was at his disposal, completely. everything i did was to make him be attracted by me, to notice me. but i would not allow me to reveal how i truly felt, everything was forced, because i thought that i would be rejected if i showed my true feelings, i would be found weak, just an average girl in love. and i feared being rejected sooo much. it was like failing.

i forgiv emyself fo racceptinganda llowingmsyelf to want to be loved by a boy or a man
i forgiv meyself for accepting and allowingmyself to want to be noticed by a boy or a man
i forgi vmeyself fo raccepting andallowingmyself to want to be loved by anton
i forgiv emsyelffor accepting and allowingmsyelf to want to be noticed by anton
i forgivemyself for accepting andallowing myself to see anton as the perfect man
i forgiv myself fo raccptinga ndallowingmsyelf to feel attracted to anton
i forgi vemyself fo raccepting and allwoingmsyelf to want anton to feel attracted to me
i forgiv meself fo raccepting andallowingmsyelf to have thought that anton and me where perfect for each other
i forgi emyself for having accepted and allowed myself to separate love from me by projecting it onto anton and expecting him to give it back to me
i forgive myself fo racceptinganda llowingmsyelf to believe that it is possible for anton to give love back to me
i forgiv meyself for accepting anda llowingmsyelf to imagine myself being really cool doing really cool things looking really cool thru the eyes of others
i forgi emyself fo raccepting and allowingmyself to , when i see a girl on tv or in the media of who i think is really sexy and attractive in what she does, pretend that that girl is me and anton sees me so i can feel really sexy and attractive, the way i judge that girl
i forgive msyelf for not acceptingandallwoingmsyelf to realise that it is not anton who sees those girls or me as sexy or attractive but it is me and only me as one and equal to anton as the creator of the images and pictures and judgements as separation as system in my mind as who ive allowed myself to become
i forgive myself fo r accepted anda llowed myself to believe that being loved by anton is the best thing in life
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself fo r acceptinga nd allowing myself to judge and define anton based on how he looks by means of thoughts feelings and emotions of the past
i forgive myself for accepting andallowing myself to want to look pretty and sexy for anton
i forgiv e myself for accepting and allowingmyseff to judge and define myself according to the way i look in the eyes of anton not realising it is thru my own eyes within separation of me as who i ve allowed myself to become
i forgive myself fo racceptinga nd allowing myseff to fear looking ridiculous or ugly in the eyes of anton
i forgiv e myself fo raccepting anda llowingmsyelf to remember situations where i felt as though he saw me as ugly or ridiculous and feel ashamed about myself
i forgive myself fo raccepting and allowingmsyelf to find me not good enough for anton
i forgi vemyself for accepting and allowingmsyelf to find me not good enough for love
i forgiv emyself fo r having accepted and allowed myself to fear having a serious relationship with someone because they might see my tru emotions and judge me as weak for it
i forgive myself fo raccepting and allowingmsyelf to judge me as weak for feeling emotions of love and arousal and exitement when i think of anton or when i see him
i forgive myself fo racceptingand allowingmsyelf to find myself not pretty enough to deserve love
i forgive myself fo r accepting and allowing myself to never want to be open like my mom about wanting a relationship or love from people
i forgive myself fo raccepting and allowingmsyelf to judge my mother as too open about sexuality and find it disgusting
i forgive myself fo r having accepted and allowed myself to define myself as an asexual person
i forgiv emyself fo rhaving accepted and allowed myself to supress and deny feelings of arousal or sexuality or exitement or love within myself because i didnt want my parents to see me as weak
i forgive myself for accepting anda llowingmsyelf to judge my mother as weak because of her openness about sexuality
i forgive myself fo r having accepted and allowed myself to never want to be like my mother
i forgiv emyself for having accepted and allowed myself to like my dad better because he was more closed
i forgive myself fo r having accepted and allowed myself to feel ashamed by anything about me that had to do with sex and sexuality
including my mother
i forgiv meyself for having accepted and allowed myself to hate my mother for having boyfriends and sexy lingerie and a vibrator
i forgiv emyself fo rhaving accepted and allowed myself to hate my mother for having 'her own life'
i forgiv emyself fo r having accepted and allowed myself to hate my mother for not devoting her life to being a good mother
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to be ashamed of my mother because i judged her as ugly and too sexually active
i forgive myself forhaving accepted and allowed myself to be ashamed about being inlove with a boy or having sexual feelings about someone towards my mother and family
i forgive myself for accepting andallowingmyself to fear my parents seeing that i react with feelings of exitement or arousal towards sexually charged scenes or situations
i forgi vemyself for having accepted and allowed myself to judge me as better than a person who has sexual emotions and feelings
i forgiv emyself for having accepted and allowed myself to believe that having sexual emotions and feelings was only for beautyful people, only they could have love and sex
i forgi vemyself fo r having accepted and allowed myself to believe that sex was only for cool people like people on tv and movies and people that i looked up to like anton and katrien
i forgiv emyself for having accepted and allowed myself to look up to people that i judged as pretty like anton and katrien and look down on people that i judged as ugly like my mom and karolien stroobants
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to believe that only people that i judged as pretty are allowed to be happy or feel loved and feel cool
i forgiv emyself for having accepted and allowed myself to believe that someone that i judged as ugly was ridiculous if they felt loved or felt cool or attractive
i forgiv emyself for having accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as ugly but thinking i was pretty and attractive and therefore finding me ridiculous and ashamed of myself because i judged others the same way
i forgi vemyself for accepting andallowingmsyelf to expect another to love me or notice me
i forgi vemyself for accepting anda llowingmsyelf to expect anton to love me or notice me
i forgive myself for acceptingand allowingmsyelf to separate anton from me by defining him as a man and me as awoman
i forgi vmeyself fo r accepting andallowingmsyelf to see anton as strong direct smart intelligent dominant insightful handsome
i forgiv emyself for accepting anda llowingmsyelf to see me as weak shy sweet nice naieve
i forgi vemyself for accepting and allowingmsyelf to feel arousal and exitement by seeing his torso his muscles
i forgi vemyself fo raccepting and allwoingmyself to feel dominated by anton by his body
i forgiv emyself for accepting andallowingmsyelf to think i have a weaker body than his
i forgi emyself fo raccepting and allwoingmyelf to judge his body as more beautyful than mine
i forgie msyelffor accepting and allowingmyself to think i dont deserve such beauty
i forgiv meyself for having accepted and allowed myself to be controlled by what my eyes see and the emotional response to that
i forgi vemyself for having accepted and allowed myself to be controlled by what the media portrays as a beautyful man and a beautyful woman and comparing myself to that and finding me not good enough
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to see anton as a very sexual person
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to feel dominated and controlled by his sexuality
i forgive myself for having accepted andallowed to deny that i had any sexual feelings or emotions at all
i forgiv emyself for not having accepted and allowed myself to realise that that what i resist persists so i merely reinforced the charging of sexual feelings and emotions within me allowing it to control me by denying its existence
i forgive myself fo rhaving accepted and allowed myself to define sexuality as an appearance , certain bodyposes and gestures and words
i forgiv meyself fo r having accepted and allowed myself to separate sexuality from myself by associating it with certain pictures and images of certain people having sex
i forgive myself fo rhaving accepted and allowed myself to separate love from me by thinking it is only possible to be experienced by two people
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed mysel fto believe that i can only experience sexuality and love with another human being namely anton
i forgi vemyself for accepting and allowinmsyelf to think that sexuality and love have anything to do with emotions thoughts and feelings or pictures or judgements
i forgive myself fo raccpeting andallowingmyself to believe that love and sexuality is something that controles you
i forgive myself for acceptingandallowingmsyelf to believe that it is possible for me as life to be controled by a system unless i allowit
i forgiv emyself for accepting andallowing myself to have separated anton from me by believing that he is his appearance and that i am my appearance
i forgiv emsyelf for accepting and allowing myself to fear feelings of arousal or exitement within me
i forgiv meyself fo raccpeting and allowingmsyelf to want to think i am pure and in control

till here and no further:
i cannot be in control and cannot be controled
controle doesnt exist as something separate from me
i am self control as life within myself
i am not my appearance
i am not ugly
i am not pretty
i am not sexy
i am not attractive
i am not unsexy
i am not unattractive
i am not separate from anton
i am one and equal to anton
i am not arousal
i am not exitement
i realise that sexuality is who i am it is not separate from me as pictures as thoughts feelings and emotions as system as who i ve allowed myself to become
i do not fear feelings of arousal and exitement
i forgive myself for having allowed myself to define feelings of arousal and exitement as bad and unpure
pure or unpure doesnt exist
i am the purity of life as life within myself
i am no polarity
i do not fear sex
i am sexuality as life within myself
i realise that the way i ve allowed myself to experience sexuality was in utter separation of myself as a system as who i ve allowed myself to become
it was not me
i am here
i am not a picture
nor is anyone else
i am not a feeling thought or emotion
i am here
i am breath