maandag 8 december 2008

2008 what is self-honesty?

what does self honesty mean to me?

self honesty meens that i am alone, it meens that i am not part of the system, not part of the human race, not part of a family, friends, co workers, environments, humanity as a whole. i stand absolutely alone, there is not a being that exists apart from me.

every time my eyes spot another human, i react immediately with desire and fear, it is an instant conditioned reaction.
an expectation towards that human being, that he or she or they will accept me as part of the group, as also a human, and we humans will supposedly stick together and help each other. as long as we let each other know that we notice one another, and we do this by smiling or nodding at each other, or by saying hello.

now, i like saying hello to beings, to animals, plants etc, but towards humans i feel as though i HAVE to say hello, i HAVE to react, because if i dont react to them, they will not support me in my survival.

and that is my desire towards other beings: desire for support from them.

because of this desire i often adjust my behaviour when around other beings, i start to manipulate, as automated conditioned behaviour, lying, pretending, faking.

but i found out what possession and being possessed really meens and in that i found out what self honesty really meens.

my desires towards other beings i keep to myself, my desires to be accepted, to be noticed, to be supported. it s like not telling my mother that i only want her around because she gives me what i need, i dont really care about her at all, but i show her i 'love her' because other wise she wont give me what i want anymore.

same with my friends, i supposedly 'love them', but i just want them to hang out around me so i wont feel so alone, so i wont be alone with myself.

especially towards men in my world, i feel a desire for a relationship, for sex with that masculinity that i have suppressed within myself. from men i desire recognition. but ofcourse i wouldnt tell them that, no, i would fake my expression in order for me to actually get the recognition.

at my job, in a restaurant, i was standing at the register and there was a guy standing next to me, explaining the register to me. i suddenly saw myself in my mind kissing him and touching him. this mental picture was so real to me that i would almost do it, i didnt consciously want to do it, but unconsciously i was reacting towards him simply because he was a man. this is the power of possession: the unconscious desires taking over, the desires that lie under the fake expression that i present towards other beings. i realised at that moment that i was not being self honest at all.

i was still existing in separation of other beings, very much so.

then i told him what i experienced, that i wanted to kiss and touch him when he was standing there next to me, in an attempt to be honest about myself. but again, here, i was just being honest, still in and as separation, i was not self honest. i still sort of expected his approval and acceptance for my honesty.

of course he didnt approve of me or give me recognition. it might even be the reason i got fired. lol

he said: suppress!!!
'those are the things you need to suppress' he said

human beings are all disgusting, greedy motherfuckers, just like me.
there is no way that even my mother loves me, it is impossible, i have discovered that my mother does not love me!!

she does not give a shit about me as who i really am. i am completely on my own. alone in this system, jobless, practically moneyless and nearly homeless

no hope for anything anymore, within self honesty there is no hope for anything.
i die in every moment, i lose all in every moment.

so, you see: i must be HERE. i must accept myself HERE. all of me, all of the time, everywhere, everyhow, completely absolutely, because there is just no hope.

if there is hope, there is self dishonesty, and there will be possession

see, i know exactly how i would become possessed, i know exactly what i would do, i practically become possessed whenever i allow myself to hope, to think about the future, to consider other beings, to react to other beings. i would litterally start fucking around, like a rabbit dog, the absolute expression of my hidden desires.

so it is possession or death...