2008 going to the farm

i meen to go to south africa, to the desteni farm...
but i seem to just not know what the hell i m doing. i have to do this on my own. decide for my own
i feel like i m actually not self directive and stable enough to do this
i dont know what is necessairy to be done.
firstly i m afraid of travelling alone because i feel like i get lost easily in bureaucracy language. i got lost once, i astraid from my parents when i was little somewhere in italy and i was alone on the street with all these big humans passing me by, not even noticing me all going somewhere. and i just stood there, lost, looking for my mommy. eventually my mom noticed me and came to get me, they had went into a store.
i really always depended on other humans telling me what is necessairy to be done: i can take orders, but i ve never actually done something for me as me.
i dont know how, because i dont know who i am. i fear disappointing people, like bernard: when i would go to his farm and i m not ready i wouldnt be able to do anything there, not for me because i would be too wrapped up in the fear of not being able to do anything or not knowing what needs to be done. i feel like i m not logical, not insightful, not practical, like i can have sometimes an idea but dont know how to work it out..
i do what i think other humans expect of me, i dont know if i d be doing anything at all if it was up to me.
i m expecting bernard or others to tell me i m ready, to tell me what to do, i dont trust myself.
also i want to 'come across' as if i know what i m doing , so others think i know what i m doing, so i can think i know what i m doing: that s been what i do: copy behaviour from others to fit in and to believe about myself that i m doing ok.
very trickey, very much makes me truly believe it sometimes, i pretend to the point where i believe it all, and then i get into a situation where i realise that i am not all that self directive at all and i go 'shit, who or where am i?!'

it is an anxiety in my body, in my stomach and solar plexus, a tension, a constant wondering if others are positive about me..
trying to come across as 'perfect', but i know i m not so i see it in my words: they ll see

i forgiv myself for accepting andallowingmyself to fear i ll get lost when ii m on my own
i forgive myself fo raccepting andallowignmyself to fear that what i do wont be good enough for others involved
i forgi vmeyself fo raccepting andallowingmyself to believe that there are others involved
i forgi vemyself for accepting andallowingmsyelf to separate myself from others as myself by thinking i have to worry about them not liking or agreeing with what i do
i forgiv emyeslf for acceptingand allowing myself to project myself into the future, where i will be undertaking 'projects' that are not part of my pattern and habitual life style and fear that i will scew up or fear failing, fear that others will not like me
i forgiv emyself fo raccepting andallowingmsyelf to believe i do what i do for others without realising that there are no others
i forgiv emyself for accepting andallowingmyself to fear others finding me stupid or slow or dumb if something would go wrong
i forgive myself for acceptingandallowingmsyelf to try really hard to not let things go wrong
i forgive myself for acceptingandallowing msyelf to feel tension and fear and anxiety when doing something that involves other humans that i dont know because i want them to think i am very self directive and very insightful, as self directive as they are
i forgiv emyself for acceptingandallowingmsyelf to project my self directiveness onto others and then thinking i have to be like them to be self directive
i forgive myself for not allowingmsyelf to realise that self directiveness and self insight and oneness and equality cannot be faked
i forgiv emyself for acceptingandallowingmsyelf to be jealous of who others are thereby denying who i am
as all as one as equal
i forgiv emyself for not allowingmyself to realise that all i see currently is pictures and ideas and judgements and definitions as separations as who i ve allowed myself to become: a system
i forgive myself for acceptinga ndallowingmsyelf to fear screwing up what i do when i do something or when i plan or am intended on doing something
i forgiv emyself for acceptingandallowingmyself to base all that i do on projections into the future of fear of failing fear of consequences that i might not be able to handle
i forgi vemyself fo racceptingandallowingmyself to think i have to do sertain things , things that are necessairy to be done, and believe that i am not capable of doing those things because i have a past of not doing things or quitting in the middle of it out of fear of failing
i forgive myself for allowingmyself to believe that there is a beginning and end to something, let alone a middle, there is only here
i forgiv emyself for acceptingandallowingmsyelf to define me according to what i do and think that it is others who judge me based on what i do or what i can do
i forgi vemyself for acceptingandallowignmsyelf to define and judge others according to what they do, for exsample, anton is appearantly better than me because he does lots of things, he is always on the move, always directing himself and others
i forgiv emyself for acceptingand allowingmyself to be jealous of anton for being as self directive without fear as he is
i forgive myself fo racceptingandallowingmyself to think that there are sertain ways of doing things that i dont know and therefore i ll fail
i forgive myself for not allowingmyself to realise that my way is the only way, all i have to do is trust myself unconditionally as all as one as equal here
i forgiv emyself fo raccepting and allowingmsyelf to keep clinging on to the mother-child constuct which is based on fear of loss fear of death
i forgiv emyself for accepting andallowingmyself to fear my mother hating me
i forgivemyself fo raccepting andallowingmsyelf to think i wont be able to get things done without the emotional support of my mother
i forgive myself for acceptingandallowingmyself to place myself underneith the emotion of anger of my mother anger and frustration
i forgiv emyself for acceptingandallowingmsyelf to believe i am subject to the emotion of anger and frustration of my mother
i forgive myself for acceptingandallowingmsyelf to believe that my mother has power and controle over me thru her emotions: positive meens i m safe, negative meens i min danger and unsafe unstable
i forgive myself for acceptingandallowingmyself to try to protect myself from an 'attack' from her as negative emotions by trying to justify myself and my behaviour that triggered her into negative mode
i forgive myself for not acceptingandallowingmyself to realise that by trying to protect myself from emotions it meens i m actually denying myself thus only victimising myself to the system i ve allowed myself to become even more
i forgiv emyself for accepting andallowingmsyelf to have fear of an unsertain future in which i might lose all those things i ve allowed myself to define me as
i forgiv emyself for allowing myself to prepare myself to an uncertain future where i will probably be faced with negative emotions of my mother thru fear
i forgive myself for accepting and allowignmsyelf to not realise that by fearing a certain future i create it that way
i forgiv emyself for acceptingandallowingmyself to let shit come out of my mouth because i want to come across as nice and create and uphold a nice atmosphere so that my mother will stay content with me
i forgiv emyself fo racceptingandallowingmsyelf to seem self directive by judging what i do and compare it with what others do and then if my behaviour is similar think and feel as if i am self directive
i forgive myself for acceptingnadallowingmsyelf to only take as much self responsability as i think others do
i forgiv emyself for acceptingandallowignmsyelf to only do what i do to belong with the group
i forgiv emyself fo raccepting andallowingmsyself to doubt what i do and first ask my mom to make sure that i m doing the right thing
i forgiv emyself fo racceptingandallowingmsyelf to think i cant do things by myself because i m not mature enough for it and if i screw up my mother might tell me that ' i told you so you cant do this on your own' and make me feel like i did something wrong
i forgiv emyself for not acceptingandallowingmsyelf to realise that i am the only one who can make me feel that i did something wrong
i forgive myself for acceptingandallowingmsyelf to separate myself from my mother by blaming her and feeling angry at her for making me feel like i can t do anything on my own because she might not agree
i forgiv emsyelf fo rallowingmyself to be influenced by wether my mom agrees with what i do or not
i forgi vemyself for allowingmyself to limit myself as self expression by only doing something that my mom will agree with and fearing to do something of which i think she wont agree with
i forgiv emyself fo racceptingandallowignmsyelf to believe that i m not strong enough to do things on my own
i forgive myself for allowingmyself to separate strength from myself by projecting it onto my mother and thinking that i need her to strengthen me with her agreement with what i do
i forgive myself for allowingmyself to actually believe that my mother is stronger than me
i forgi vemyself fo rallowingmsyelf to actually believe that my mother is more stable and direct than me
i forgi vemyself for allowingmyself to judge me as less than my mother because she seems very stable and direct and strong and i dont
i forgi vemyself fo ranot allowingmsyelf to realise that she only seems that way, as in picture, image, as in projection of myself as separation of myself as who i ve allowed myself to become
i am one and equal to my mother
i am not weaker and less stable or less insightful than her
i am strength as life within myself
i am stability as life within myself
i realise that by searching for agreement from my mother i am only searching for agreement from myself
and i give myself my agreement as and for who i am
i stand by me as agreement as all as one as equal
i am self directiveness as life within myself
as here as breath