2008 hidden desires

anton came by today, after a long time. i thought that i had almost cleared me of him. but even when i heard the doorbell ring i knew it was him and my heart started racing sosoooo fast, pounding almost out of my chest. knowing that when i ll open that door, he ll see me, and i ll know he sees me when i see him standing there. i get that with jasper aswell, because he s a friend of anton but anton is the key figure.
i cant speak i cant move when he s around. i am fear and exitement melted in me as me when he s around. like i dont want to let go of the exite ment , i ve defined myself according to that for so long and so intense. all connected to him, every nice feeling, every feeling good about myself, feeling wanted, feeling noticed, my entire system. cause of and devoted to him.

i was thrown back into the past, my body started feeling cold, as if i was leaving it, dying, i started shivering i was feeling very cold very uncomfortable. he is to me the embodyment of sexuality and sex and i want him to see me as very controlled , because i find myself very weak in the eyes of sex and sexuality. so because i try to seem controlled and feel the opposite, my feelings only get worse and it s like i can explode at any moment.
i feel 'better than sex or people that experience desire' so better than him and i feel like if i were to show that i have sexual feelings and desires too, he might see me as just an average stupid girl, like i see my mother.
so i desire him because he is so open about his desires, and i am the opposite i am sooo closed, in denial but secretly drawn to it. like when i was little late night movies when parents were asleep. very noughty, very forbidden, very shameful, wrong. i felt so afraid that my parents might catch me...
i want him to see me as perfect, no less: perfect, the embodyment of perfection and he has acknowledged me as such in the past. but my goal was to get him to want me, not just recognise my seeming perfection.
i wanted him to feel as little in my eyes as i felt in his.
rendered to his will.
his being
he is the one that provides me with appreciation and admiration over what i do.
he is the one that sees me in my mind and makes me feel cool and awesome.
i wanted him to be interested in me, ask me questions about me, talk about me, be curious about me. so i could talk to him about me, i would have all the attention in the world for me alone. i would speak.... at times when i spoke and he listened i m always searching for words because i dont want to seem stupid, i want to seem perfect, controlled, in controle.
he lifted me up out of the averadgeness that i hated so much about my mom.
i tryed to be direct, something i never do towards him out of fear of sounding really silly. i spoke to him about me and what i do from the startingpoint of wanting him to go wow that s cool, i want that and then be even more interested in me. but ofcourse i was not being self honest because i was still defining myself according to the exitement as separation between us. i didnt really say goodbye i wasnt really being serious i just wanted him to still think i am here to still think about me be intrigued about me. i didnt really want to be just me here alone as who i am. and so ofcourse he just reacted not in an admiring way, but just stating that what i do is impossible or blabla system talk. and then ofcourse i got frustrated because i wanted positive judgement and didnt get it or didnt feel like i got it. and just like i feel like when i m having a discussion with my mom: i just want to convince the other person that i am right and they are wrong.

i forgi vemyself for having accepted anda llowed myself towant to convince anton about who i am as being right
i forgi vemyself for having accepted andallowed myself to want anton to have a positive picture positive judgement about me in his mind
i forgiv emyself for having accepted andallowed myself to feel sad when i feel like i didnt get positive judgement despite my efforts
i forgiv myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel ashamed about having said all those things just to get attention from anton
i forgiv emyself for having accepted andallowed myself to feel frustrated because anton didnt get what i wanted him to get
i forgiv emyself for having accepted and allowed myself to be dependant of how anton thinks about me
i forgi vmeyself for having accepted anda llowed myself to feel like my whole world falls apart when he doesnt worship me, when he doesnt feel little in light of my perfectness
i forgi vemyself for accepting and allowingmyself to feel little in light of his masculinity
i forgive mysefl for accepting andallowingmsyelf to fear anton thinking that i have desires
i forgive myself for accepting andallowingmsyelf to think that anton will think i am stupid and disgusting for having desires
i forgiv emyself for accepting andallowing myself to fear anton thinking i am ridiculous and less than him
i forgiv meyself for accepting andallowingmyself to judge anton as less than me
i forgiv meyself fo raccepting andallowingmsyelf to change my behaviour to seem like i am perfect and better than him, to seem like i am not unsertain of what i do or who i am
i forgiv emyself for accepting and allowingmyself to feel unsertain and lost when he s around
i forgi vemyself for accepting and allowignmyself to fear antons judgement over me
i forgiv meyself for accepting andallowingmsyelf to fear anton not noticing me
i forgi vmeyself for accepting andallowingmsyelf to notice anton
i forgiv msyelf for accepting andallowingmyself to feel desire towards anton
if orgiv emyself for accepting and allowingmyself to not want anton to see that i feel desire towards him
i forgiv meyself for accepting andallowingmyself to fear that he will judge me as less than him if he knows that i desire him and that i have desires
i forgiv meyself for accepting and allowingmsyelf to judge myself as less when i have desires
iforgiv emsyelf for accepting andallowingmsyeflf to judge myself as weak when i have desires
and when someone sees it
i forgi vmeyself for accepting andallowingmsyelf to want to be sexy want to seem sexy and hot and desirable
i forgiv meyself for accepting andallowingmyself to desire anton because he seems very pure to me very real very open very honest
i forgiv emsyelf for accepting andallwoingmyself to think that anton is better than me because he is more open and honest about himself and sex
i forgi vmeyself for accepting andallowingmyself to think that i dont really matter because he is better than me, he has authority
i for give myself for accepting and allowingmsyelf to see everything that anton sais as pure and honest and open and better than me because i m the one trying to be someone i m not
i forgiv emyself for accepting andallowingmsyelf to think that i am who he thinks i am and if he sees me as good and admirable then i can feel good about myself
i forgiv meyself for accepting anda llowingmyself to see anton s judgement as the best and greatest and truest judgement
i forgi vemyself for accepting and allowing myself to exist only for anton to judge me
i forgiv meyself for accepting andallowingmsyelf to exist only to be noticed as good and great by anton
i forgi vemyself fo raccepting andallowingmyself to feel like i am better than anton but i need him to see me and what i do and judge me as better to feel that way
i forgive myself fo raccepting andallowingmsyelf to judge anton as very pure and want him to judge me the same way
i forgi vmeyself fo raccepting andallowingmyself to pretend as if i am very pure and perfect so i can feel that way when he sees me
i forgiv emsyelf for accepting andallowingmyself to feel jealous of anton
i forgiv emyself for accepting andallowingmsyelf to think i am fake and i am not pure and honest and open and perfect like he is, i just pretend
i forgi vemyself for accepting andallowingmsyelf to think i am less than anton because i pretend to be perfect and open and honest and everything i ve always seemed to be
it was all pretends
i forgive myself fo raccepting and allowingmyself to think i am not good enough compared to anton
i forgi vemyself fo racceptingandallowingmsyelf to compare myself with all that anton does and says and find myself not good enough
i forgive myself fo raccepting andallowingmsyefl to believe that i must be who anton is to be perfect and great
i forgive myself for not allowingmyself to see and realise that perfect and great doesn ot exist
so anton is nt the best, he isnt perfect nor great and i dont have to be like hhim
i forgive myself fo raccepting and allowignmsyelf to think i need to be like him so he will recognise me as good and wil want me
i forgi vmyself fo raccepting and allowingmyself to find me not good enough
i forgive myself for acceptinga ndallowingmsyelf to think i need anton to live therefore must make him notice me
i forgiv emyself for acceptinga ndallowingmsyelf to think i have to be like anton to live
i forgiv emyself for accepting andallowingmsyelf to believe i must be noticed to live
i forgive myself for accepting and allowingmyself to notice others like anton instead of myself
i forgiv emsyelf for accepting andallowingmsyelf to think that others are better than me so i must be like them to be good
i forgiv emyself for accepting andallowingmyself to want other humans to judge me as better than them as i judge them as better than me
i forgi vemyself for accepting and allowingmsyelf to want others as anton to judge my words and notice my words as valuable
i forgive myself for accepting andallowingmyself to find my words not good enough
i forgiv emyself for accepting andallowingmyself to think i dont look good enough and anton looks better than me, so i want him to see me and judge me as pretty special remarkable
so i can feel noticed so i dont have to notice myself
i forgive myself for acceptinga ndallowingmyself to think that i dont have the right and the authority to notice myself or to see for myself
i forgiv emsyelf for accepting andallowingmyself to see everything and judge everything thru the eyes of anton because i find my judge ment not good enough
i forgiv emyself for acceptingandallowingmsyelf to look up to anton
i forgiv meyself for accepting andallowingmsyelf to want to be like anton because i want to be looked up to
i forgive myself fo raccepting andallowingmsyelf to want anton
i forgiv emyself for accepting anda llowingmsyelf to think that i am nobody if i dont have anyone to look up to
i forgive myself fo raccepting andallowingmsyelf to think i cannot see for myself
i forgi vmeyeslf fo rnot allowingmsyelf to realise that anton is an image i ve created myself as separate from me as who iv e allowed myself to become, so i m looking up to myself
i forgive myself for acceptingandallowingmyself to think i am no one if anton doesnt notice me
i forgiv emsyelf for acceptinga ndallowingmyself to want him to notice me like he notices people around him, judging them as what they look like, how they seem
so try to seem perfect and profound so he may notice me as such so i can feel that way
i forgi vmeyself for accepting andallowing myself to want to be profound
i forgiv emyself fo raccepting andallowingmsyelf to want to be pretty
i forgiv emsyelf for accepting and allowignmsyelf to want to be right
i forgive myself fo r acceptinga dnallowingmsyelf to want anton to agree with me so i can feel right
i forgive myself for not allowignmsyelf to realise that being right is self dishonest and is not who i am being right needs wrong to exist i am not apolarity being right needs agreement to exist i exist here alone as all as one as equal as the living word as self honesty as who i am
i forgi emyself for acceptinga ndallowingmsyelf to believe that i am judgement
i forgive myself fo racceptinga ndallowingmsyelf to believe that i am the judgement that anton has about me without realising that i judge me as that within separation of me as who ive allowed myself to become, a mask ,a picture, a seeming someone
i dont seem to be
i am
life as self honesty here
as all as life as equal
no judgements no separations just me here
i am one and equal to anton

i forgi vemyself for allowingmsyelf to feel threatened by anton
i forgiv emsyelf for allowingmyself to feel weak towards sex and sexuality towards anton
i forgiv emyself fo rallowingmsyelf to want anton to see me as strong so i dont have to realise i feel weak
i forgi vemyself for allowingmsyelf to deny who i ve allowed myself to become so that anton can judge me as better than who i am so i can feel that way
i forgi ve myself fo rallowing myself to fear anton seeing thru the mask
i forgiv emyself for allowingmsyself to feel ashamed about feeling desire or sexuality
i for giv emsyelf for accepting anda llowing myself to feel ashamed about my sexuality
i forgive myself for accepting andallowingmsyelf to feel less than anton because i am not open about my sexuality and he is
i forgive myself for allowingmyself to think anton is better than me for being open about his sexuality
i forgiv emyself fo rallowingmyself to feel more weak than anton
i forgi vemyself for alowingmyself to think i am less than anton because i m a woman
i forgi vmeyself for allowing myself to want to seem like a strong woman so i may feel like a strong woman
i forgi ve myself fo rallowingmyself to feel weak toward s men
i forgi vmeyself for allowing myself to feel defenceless towards men and make it seem as though i am strong and dont have sexual feelings so i am not less than men
because i am not sexual
i forgi ve myself for allowingmyself to pretend i am not sexual so men would not feel better than me
i forgiv emyself fo rhaving allowed myself to separate anton from me as strength honesty openness fearlessness love insightfulness
i forgive myself for allowing myself to believe that anton is better than me for being appearantly more himself than i am myself
i forgiv emyself for not allowingmyself to realise that i am one and equal to anton and that it doesnt matter how long it takes a human to realise self
i forgiv emyself for allowingmsyelf to divert my responsability towards anton
i forgive myself fo raccepting andallowingmyself to want to hold on to my ego as who i ve allowed myself ot become
i forgive myself for allowingmyself to think that realising myself as being one and equal to anton and realising that i ve been living a lie means being less than anton
i forgi vemyself fo rallowingmyself to think that anton is ahead of me and better than me
i forgi vmeyself for allowingmsyelf to compare myself to anton instead of realising myself as one and equal
i am in no way separate from anton
i am here
and i realise that anton is a picture a definition that i ve created as the system i ve allowed myself to become
i am not less than anton by realising myself
i am not better than anton
i am here as all as one as equal
i am strength as life within myself
i am directness as life within myself
i am insightfulness as life within myself
i realise that i am me i dont need to be good enough or pretend or have an ego to protect myself because i am all i am creation
i am uncomparable
undefinable
as all as one as equal