2008 jealousy self forgiveness

i still got some jealousy in me
i read and reread my stuff i posted and i make an image of myself as smart or funny and then when someone else posts something that i compare me with and i think oh i couldn t say that, they re smarter than me, i get jealous, especially with girls.of boys i can take it that they re funnier or smarter than me, but girls.. especially my age or about, like i m competing with them for attention i guess...oh yes i am

i forgiv emyself for accepting and allowing myself to feel jealous at girls for the way they look or for what they say
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to be the best compared to other girls so they will accept me into their midst
i forgi vemyself for accepting and allowingmsyefl to think that no one is better than me
i forgiv emyself for accpeting and allowingmsyelf to think that i know all there is to know
i forgi vemyself for acceptinga nd allowing myself to think that i can make an image of a person that is they way that that person is
i forgi vemyself for accpeting and allowingmysefl to think that i must compare myself to this image to know who i am
i forgi vemyself for acceptingand allowing myself to think i m actually quite stupid unless someone tells me otherwise
i forgiv emyself for accepting and allowingmyself to compensate feeling not good enough with feeling and thinking that i am the best
i forgive myself fo raccepting and alloiwngmyself to think that i must supress certain emotions because they are less desirable than other emotions and feelings
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing mysefl to believe that it is possible to compare what i do with what someone else does or would do
i forgiv emyself for accpting and allowing myself to want people to look up to me and appreciate me and think i am smart so i may feel good about myself
i forgive myself for accepting and allowingmyself to like it when people say that i am very funny or weird or special or good at something
i forgiv emyself fo r acceptinga nd allowingmsyelf to feel like it s condesending when people tell me that i am smart or funny or special or good at something, as if they think i need them to say it
i forgive myself for accepting and allwoingmsyelf to define myself according to what others say about me and if they dont say anything i define myself according to how i compare with what they do: am i better or less?
i forgi vemyself for not allowing myself to realise that i m comparing me to myself as separation as pictures as what my system needs to sustain itself
i forgi vemyself fo raccepting and allowing myself to believe that i have to be able to do what another does, otherwise i am not good enough
i forgive myself for accepting and allowingmyself to believe that i am not good enough if i think i cant do or am not able to do what another does
i forgi vemyself for accepting and allowingmyself to believe that others are better know better see better do better
i forgiv emyself fo raccepting and allowingmyself to fear doing something as me for me because people might not agree and i might lose them
i forgiv emyself for allowing myself to fear making proposals or suggestions or coming up with plans in a group of humans because of fear of being rejected
i forgi vemyself for allowingmyself to believe it is possible to be rejected as all as one as equal
i forgi vemyself for allowingmyself to fear people thinking i am stupid when i come up with an idea or proposal or suggestion or when i do something out of myself
i forgiv emyself for allowingmsyelf to believe i am a very stupid person and that everything i do is very unlogical unrational uncool unsmart
i forgi vemyself for allowingmyself to believe i have to impress people with what i do
i forgiv emyself fo r allowingmyself to think that other people have to approve or go along with what i do or propose
i forgiv emyself for allowingmyself to be dependant on what others want or like
and adapt to that out of fear of losing them
i forgi vemyself for accepting and allowingmyself to believe i need friends or people that like me to enjoy life
i forgiv emyself for allowing myself to separate myself from others by thinking they have to like me otherwise i wont like myself
i forgi vemyself for allowingmyself to believe i have to like myself thru the eyes of others and not realise i am one and equal to the eyes of others, the eyes are the ones that i created within separation as system as who i ve allowed myself to become
i forgiv emyself for accepting and allwoingmyself to think that if others dont find me good enough and worthy enough and valuable and useful, then i am nobody and no good of a human
i forgiv emyself for accepting and allowingmsyelf to truly believe that i cannot decide for myself as all as one as equal what is best for me as all
i forgi vemyself for accepting and allowingmyself to walk on eggshels concerning other humans because i might just say something they find stupid or annoying or ridiculous and then they wont respect me anymore
i forgiv emyself for not allowingmyself to see and realise that only i can respect me within and as self honesty, as respect as life within myself , only a system as self dishonesty as separation can want respect or feel respected or need respect from others
i forgiv emyself for allowing myself to judge myself as dumb and stupid
i forgive myself for accepting and allowingmyself to judge myself as inadequate
i forgive myself for accepting and allowingmyself to judge myself as weak
i forgiv emyself for acceptinga nd allowing myself to judge myself as unworthy
i forgiv emyself for accepting and allowingmyself to judge myself as not good enough
...compared to others
i forgive myself for not allowingmyself to see that i am the only one living i am alone
and i am
and there are no rules
no regulations no guidelines
just me
i forgive myself for having accpted and allowed myself to live my life according to rules and regulations out of fear of not fitting in out of fear of being rejected
i forgive myself fo rhaving accepted and allowed myself to believe i need someone to guide me to tell me what to do what to say
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to follow what others say like my dad my mom my friends bernard people at desteni
i forgiv emyself for having accepted and allowed myself to adapt to the necessity of rules and regulations that my parents taught me and follow this thru within my own life creating my own rules and regulations by comparing with others as how my dad used to compare me with others and say i should be more like them
i forgiv emyself for accepting and allowing myself to feel anger at my dad for having 'done this to me' for making me weak and insecure and a doormat, not sure of anything not being able to decide for myself,almost an empty shell
i forgiv emyself for accepting and allowingmyself to shift the blame and responsability towards my dad and not realise that i am one and equal to him, i have complete responsability of my world
i forgi vemyself for accepting and allowingmyself to doubt what i do and say
i forgiv emyself for accpeting and allowingmyself to think that what i do is only ok if it is accepted and approved by others
i forgiv emyself fo racceptinga nda llowingmyself to think when i m in a situation i ve never been in before or i dont know what to do 'what would...do'
searching for an image in my mind of a person i think i sbetter than me to tell me what is the right thing to do
i forgive myself fo rnot alloiwngmyself to realise that i am the one creating an image, i am not an image i am life only a system needs something separate to know what to do
i dont have to know what to do
i forgiv emyself for not allowingmyself to trust me as breath in each and every moment
no pictures no separation
no system
self honesty as me as who i am
as all as one as equal

till here and no further
i dont need to know who i am or what to do or who to be or who others are or what they do
i dont need to compare myself
i realise i am only comparing myself to images i created myself
i am not an image neither are others
i am breath as all as one as equal
i am not insecurity
i am not unworthy
i am not lost or lostness
i am not less
i am not better
i am not stupid
i am not dumb
i am not ignorant
i am not onlogical, unrational uncool
i am not smart
i am not wise
i am not cool
i am not insightful
i am not to be approved of
i dont need approval
i am here
i dont need a definition
i am security as life within myself
i am self esteem as life within myself
i am self directiveness as life within myself
i dont need to check with others
that would be checking