Subconscious grid line structure
1) Experiences with mother
-getting really sick once and staying home, she went out shopping and i felt alone at home and went outside to search for her because i felt soo alone and left. so establishing a huge need for my mother
-her getting really pissed of sometimes, rasing her voice really powerfull, really angry. much fear of that reaction from her.
-her hand reaching to the back of the car when driving while me and my brother where being silly and she got angry. fear of her 'getting hold of me with her hand' and having her grip on me
- in every discussion or conversation with her i always feel like i want or need to convince her of my way of seeing things but in the end i always feel less than her, like she won the arguement or the discussion
-always needing my mom to hold me and come take me away from camps
- sitting in the sofa holding her hand close to me as if to say that i hold on to her, i am an extension of her
-lately i cried a lot in front of her, mostly to get her approval, her pity, so she woulnt be upset or angry with me or think i am wrong
-always feeling like i need her attention and care and approval and feeling fear for losing her approval, thinking that i wont survive without her
-seeing her and my dad when really young, in the kitchen, my dad with his hand down her pants, they closed the door when they saw me.
i never liked my moms sexual 'openness', seeing her as a woman around men seeing her acting like i do when i m in love or in lust.
i ve always denied that part of me, but actually it was deep within me deep ingrained because i suppressed it so much
-i saw her family as less than my dads family because their house was smaller and her brother was gay, which was supposedly abnormal (because my dad isnt too keen on gays, and abnormality in general)
-i always disapproved of her relationships with men after she and my dad got divorced, i hated the men that she came home with, i thought they and her were disgusting, i didnt want to acknowledge that my mom needed those kind of relationships because i would never acknowledge it about myself
-i always found her ugly, my friend said once that she looks like a witch because she has a big nose, i got upset about that. i thought she was the ugliest, most disgusting person on the planet, she represented everything that i hated about myself. everything that i denied about myself. of all the humans in the world, she was the last one i wanted to become.
to me she was boring and plain, i wanted to be special and noticed
-in school there was a substitute teacher in 6th grade, she got upset in class and said 'ik ben da hier kotsbeu', (i m so sick of this i d wanna puke, litterally translated lol) , i went up to her and asked her if she was an aquarius, she was 'how do you know?' , she reminded me of my mom in her behaviour even used the same terminology to utter her frustration
this moment was also the first moment i thought i was cool, because i could see her sign, because i could make her go 'wauw' about me
-now, lately i fear my mom because i am very silent and she said once that she doesnt like that, she wants me to speak to her about anything because she feels ignored. but i m in the process of birthing myself from the physical i cant go verbally killing myself thru dishonest words, consciously, so i am extremely silent and constantly thinking about her not liking it, anticipating another one of those remarks of hers about it
2) Experiences with father
-he once got really angry at me and started yelling at me in my face, i laughed at him because he was just not as credible in his anger as my mom. with him it was funny, he didnt get to me. i actually dont have any fear towards my dad. how peculiar.
-yes: fear when i would sit in front of the tv after i came home from school or when i wasnt supposed to and eating sweets and chips in front of the tv, fear that he would come in and catch me redhanded and get angry, i would then feel guilty and ashamed. because he would find me lazy. and i wanted to show my dad that i am not lazy, that i can work
so: fear of getting cought
-->when i was young i pretended a lot that i was sick
my dad was really suspicious also, always saying 'commediant' ( 'faker'), he looked down on people who were sick or who didnt do sports like he did. he wanted me to work and show that i am not weak
i never liked doing sports, not really the way he wanted me to. he signed me up for these running competitions and batminton competitions because those were the sports that he did and he didnt want his kids to get fat
-i used to be a chubby kid and often my dad said, when i had eaten a lot ' we gaan u nog es kunnen rollen' (you ll become so fat we ll be able to roll you)
-i used to eat a lot, lots of chips sitting in front of the tv, doing exactly what my dad disapproved.
-but then lately i got skinnier, i ran, i ate less, i was starting to feel sexy and thought that my dad approved of me now and i enjoyed that thought
i was getting his positive attention, or i felt i did
-there was a time in my life that i did the complete opposite of what my dad wanted me to be, i started wearing teared up clothes, my hair was all messed up. i did that to get noticed, but i always got flamed over it by my dad. well at least i got noticed. i actually did it to be noticed by a boy at school who i wanted to find me special. but i also wanted my dads approval, so i would on occasions 'clean myself up' to look presentable to my dad.
-he s always complaining about my appearance. ever since ive stopped combing my hair and wearing 'comfortable' clothes. he likes it clean and straight and i did not fit that profile.
i used to, but then i stopped
-i was smoking a cigarette by the front door once with a friend and my dad came home, he saw me and i didn t know what to do, so i just stood there, knowing he disapproves but acting like i dont care.
-he always says that i just want to act special with everything i do, that that is why i do things.
mostly he s right about that
-he has compared me with others a lot: be more like...
i often told him 'why cant you just accept me as who i am', feeling frustrated
-whenever me and my brother did something 'wrong' he would say in a threatening way 'come here for a moment' and i knew that i was gonna get a spanking: first me than my brother or the other way around and then to our room
-also we d get 'cornered' as far apart from one another as possible
there was a moment when i went to work with my dad in the vacation, he noticed when we were there that i was wearing my raggedy assed shoes and he got angry because he didnt want his workbuddies seeing me like that, i felt he felt ashamed about me
-at school, my brother had brought pornographic comic books of my dad with him. he got cought and i felt really embarassed because now the teachers would think that my dad is a 'bad' person or parent, i started crying about that in the classroom. i also felt ashamed of it that my classmates knew about it. my dad comforted me about it 'its not so bad'
-when i had my period for the first time, my mom wasnt home and my dad came sit next to me on my bed, talking to me about it. i felt ashamed, i didnt want to talk to him about it, i felt less than him, because i was a woman
-he also once made a remark about my breast that were growing in front of my brother
again: shame of my femininity
-i saw my dad as the epitemy of strength because when i was little, i could swim with him, ride his back as if he was a whale. i looked up to my dad.
now i find me pitying him because i barely go over, i stay with my mom now and i think that he sometimes feels like his daughter doesnt want him anymore.
though there was a long time that i didnt go to my mother and i never took pity on her, never felt sad about her, in fact my dad forced me to go: i started crying in the car about it, he then put his hand on my knee as consolation but i pushed his hand away (i found that an embarassing moment between my dad and i, because it showed me as weak)
when i was in my moms house i started crying even more. because i couldn t get what i wanted, because i was forced into something
5) Facing adulthood