2008 superiority self forgiveness

"Thirdly, because ‘not being good enough’ judgment towards yourself exist within and as you, the polarity opposite as ‘better than’ exist within and as you. Now you have to specifically identify to whom and what you have compared yourself towards from which you constructed this belief within yourself that you are apparently ‘better than’.
Then from here, specifically apply self forgiveness for accepting and allowing you to ‘see yourself through the eyes of others, outside separate from you’ through comparison, accepting and allowing you to manifest a judgment towards yourself, which manifested the belief within you that you’re ‘better than’ and within this, accepting and allowing you to define yourself according to how you see you through the eyes of the mind consciousness system."


i often feel better than girls around my age, because i believe me to be smarter, more profound and deep. because i ve judged them all as being very superficial. i was actually always jealous, of their appearance, i judged myself as less because they seemed to be more...girly.
i wanted attention from boys and only way i knew how to do that was to act like a boy. i guess.
i felt less than men because i perceived them to be more profound than me, than woman in general. i always saw women as less.
i wanted and tryed to impress boys by acting as if i was smart and deep and better than the other girls because i thought that they would see me as one of them, not just a superficial girl. and they would respect me and i could feel strong. so everything girls did, i thought was stupid, especially pretty girls, because in truth i felt really jealous because actually i just wanted to be pretty but i never really gave myself to opportunity to open myself up to woman hood. i judged it as too weak. now when i read a girls post i get really jealous sometimes because i m thinking: this girl is pretty and smart and insightful, damn: what do i have to impress boys now?

somehow i really got to believing that i am just better than everyone, just so much better than, well, especially women. that i have had more profound experiences in my life.
when i speak about this beauty construct and how i was towards men and women i feel embarassed because now i m like exposed. and am no longer cool in what ever way. on forum i have a difficult time just letting go of judgement and reading unconditionally as me because i keep comparing myself especially to girls like ann and marlen and maite and leila ... sex construct based comparing. and for the rest i also compare with the other forum members but i always try to find a point that makes me better than that person in the eyes of boys. like 'yeah she might be really smart and insightful and ful of experience but she s old, or married or has kids. so i compete with every woman i see

i forgiv emyself fo rallowing myself to compete with every woman i see
i forgive myself for allowing myself to want to seem smart and insightful to attract men and boys
i forgive myself fo rallowing myself to be jealous of other women and girls because i judge them as smarter than me or prettier than me
i forgive myself for allowing myself to either want to be smarter or prettier than another woman
i forgiv emyself fo rallowing myself to want to better in one way or another than other girls so that boys and men will notice me more than her
i forgive myself for allowing myself to separate myself from girls by comparing myself as my picture expression to their picture expression
i forgive myself for allowing myself to want to have a more beautiful picture than other women to attrackt men more
i forgiv emyself forallowing myself to want to attrackt men more than other women
i forgi vmyself for allowing myself to compare myself to other women on what they do by trying to figure out if i would be able to do that
i forgive myself for allowing myself to feel jealous when i think i would not be able to do what other girls/women do
i forgive myself for wanting to be able to do what other women do so that i am equal or better than them so that i can attrack equal or more amount of attention from men
i forgivemyself for separating boys and men from myself by desiring them to notice me as a woman and feel attrackted by me
i forgiv emyself for allowing myself to want men to see and notice me as a special woman
i forgive myself for allowing myself to judge my appearance as ugly and feel jealous of other women for their looks
i forgiv emyself for allowing myself to want what other women have that would attrackt attention from men
i forgive myself for allowingmyself to believe that i am a woman in this society and i have to compare myself to other women to know what kind of woman i am, if i am a right woman
i forgive myself forallowing myself to believe that i must attrackt the attention of men by impressing them with what i say and do and how i look
i forgive myself forallowing myself to want to impress men with what i do, how i write etc
i forgiv emyself for allowing myself to want to feel better than other women
i forgivemyself for allowing myself to believe that i can t be one and equal to them because we are in battle for attention from men
i forgivemyself for allowing myself to not realise i am battling myself as separated parts of myself as how i havent yet accepted me to be
i forgive myself for allowing myself to want to be noticed
i forgiv emyself for allowing myself to compare myself with what others do on the forum so to know if i am doing alright
i forgiv emyself for allowing myself to want to fit into the group
i forgive myself for allowing myself to not take self responsability by expecting others to tell me how i am doing
i forgive myself fo rallowing myself to respect men more than women
i forgive myself for allowing myself to judge men as stronger more serious wiser more controlled
i forgive myself for allowinmg yself to judge women as weaker more instable less smart less insightful
i forgiv emyself for allowing myself to judge women as less than men
i forgiv emyself for lalowing myself to judge men as more than me
i forgiv emyself for allowing myself to judge women as less than me
i forgi vemyself for allowing myself to feel like i dont fit in
i forgive myself for allowin gmsyelf to want to fit in with all the other humans on the forum
i forgiv emyself for allowing myself to feel jealous for the expressions of other humans
i forgiv emyself forallowingmyself to cover up my feeling less than others by thinking i am wiser more profound smarter cooler
i forgive myself for allowing myself to judge humans based on their appearance
i forgive myself for allowing myself tojudge myself as less based on how my appearance compares with that of others
i forgiv emyself for allowing myself to feel ashamed about my appearance in the presence of boys and men because i judge my appearance as weird and abnormal
i forgiv emyself fo rallowing myself to judge others appearance as normal and think they are better than me for the way they look
i forgive myself for allowingmyself to wan t to look like other women and girls
i forgiv emyself forallowing myself to believe that other women and girls are better than me for the way they look
i forgiv emyself fo rlalowingm yself to fear being rejected for the way that i look
i forgiv emyself for lalowing myself to fear beings not respecting me for the way that i look
i forgivemyself for allowing myself to not respect beings for the way they look
i forgiv emyself for allowing myself to think i am less than beings for the way they look and then try to outsmart or outspecial them
i forgiv emyself fo rallowing myself to believe that i am special
i forgiv meyself fo rallowing msyelf to want to be special
i forgive myself for allowin gmyself to want to be noticed by boys as special
if orgi vemyself fo rallownmyself to feel jealous towards other women for judging them as special and beautiful
i forgive myself fo rallowign msyelf to want recognition from boys
i frogi vmeyeslf fo rlalowing myself to want to belong to a group of humans
i forgive myself for allowing myself to want those humans to notice me as special
i forgiv emyself fo rallowing myself to judge pretty girls as perfect
i forgivemyself for allowing myself to think that girls that are pretty are more than me
i forgiv emyself for not allowingm yself to realise that i am the only one separating humans from me based on appearances
i forgive myself for allowing myself to believe that i can only be if i am accepted for the way i look
i forgivemyself for not allowing myself to accept my self as my appearance
i forgive myself for allowing myself to hate the way that i look
i forgiv emyself fo rallowing myself to have hated others for the way that they looked
i forgiv emyself for having allowed myself to judge beautiful people as perfect and better than ugly people
i forgiv emyself for having adapted to how others judge the appearance of humans and think that all that matters is how i appear to be
i forgiv emyself fo rallowing myself to judge others based on how they appear to be and then feel less
i forgive myself for allowing myself to believe that women that i judge as pretty are better than me
i forgiv emyself for allowing myself to believe that if i dont get attention from men or boys i am worthless
i forgive myself for allowing myself to believe i need good looks to survive
i forigive myself for allowing myself to believe that humans that i judge as pretty are smarter , more talented, more intelligent, faster, more insightful than me
i forgiv emyself fo rallowing myself to judge myself as ugly and therefore think that i am less smart
less fast less talented less insightful
i forgive myself for allowing myself to think that what i am capable of depends on how my appearance is judged
i forgivemyself fo ralllowing myself to believe that others judge me as dumb and weird and ugly
i forgive myself for allowing myself to believe that i am better than others
i forgive myself for allowing myself to believe i am less than others
i forgivemyself for allowing msyelf to define myself according to the way i look and how it can be judged by the system
i forgiv emyself fo r not allowing msyelf to experience my body as one and equal to me as who i am
i forgiv emyself fo rallowing myself to treat my body as a picture and feel ashamed about it

2008 self forgiveness

i forgiv emyself fo rallowing myself to think i have to be interesting for others
i forgiv emyself for allowing myself to believe that others are having more fun than i am
in this process
i forgive myself fo rallowing myself to believe that others are doing this with ease
i forgive myself for allowing myself to compare myself to others
i forgiv emyself fo rallowing myself to believe i have to do this a sertain way
i forgiv emyself fo rallowing myself to fear trusting myself
i forgiv emyself fo r allowing myself to believe that i am too bad to realise myself
i forgiv emyself fo rallowing myself to think i have to stick to certain rules around people
i forgvi emyself for having allowe dmyself to trade in myself for rules
i forgiv myself for allowing myself to do everything so that others can approve of it
i forgiv emyself for having allowed myself to turn myself completely inside out
and now want my outsides to notice me so my insides will feel good and whole
i forgiv emyself for allowing myself to notice only myself but actually not at all because i notice others and then want them to notice me so i put myself out there so that others can notice me
i forgiv emyself for allowing myself to see others as mere ideas placements in my world that i apparantly want attention from
i forgiv emyself for allowing myself to not notice myself unconditionally as others unconditionally
without separation
within realisation: this is me
all of me
i forgiv emyself fo rallowing myself to see others as having more fun in process and doing this process more effectively than me
i forgiv emyself for allowing myselfto look at others being self honest and then compare me with that but dont actually take the step of being completely unconditionally self honest myself
i forgive myself for allowing myself to constantly worry that i might hurt someone with what i do or say
i forgiv emyself fo rallowing myself to appreciate others more than myself and then expect them to appreciate me
i forgiv emyself fo rallowing myself to keep comparing myself to what others do because i want to know what is appreciated , what is common, and what isnt
i forgive myself for allowing myself to believe that whatever i will do out of myself, is uncommon and will not be appreciated
i forgive myself for allowing myself to fear doing something abnormal
i forgiv emyself for allowing myself to think i can t just go around doing whatever i please
i forgive myself for allowing myself to hold myself back in saying and doing things because i dont want to upset people with me
i forgive myeslf fo rallowing myself to define myself according to nice and good and funny
i forgiv emyself for allowin gmyself to be nice and friendly because i want everyone to like me
i forgiv emyself fo rallowing myself to , when i was younger, want everyone to like me and then go from group to group gossiping and being the middleperson, so i could keep everyone liking and trusting me
i forgiv emyself fo rallowin gmyself to want people to trust me
i forgiv emyself fo rallowing myself to fear being direct because i might lose people around me
i forgive myself for allowing myself to build relationships with the people around me to build my ego and to make me secure and locked and then try to keep those relationships by acting friendly
i forgiv emyself for allowing myself to make a net of people around me that i try to get to like me so i can feel secure and safe
i forgivemyself for allowing myself for not simply deciding for me what i like and who etc
i forgiv emyelf for allowing myself to adapt to the group so i can fit in so i can take a place in the group so i can feel really safe
i forgive myself fo rallowing myself to define myself according to a group of people as being my support
i forgiv emyself forallowing myself to think i depend on what this group thinks of me
i forgiv emyself for allowing msyelf to adapt to the judgements of the group and not trust myself
i forgiv emyself fo rallowin gmsyelf to trust how others vieuw things and not trust myself
i forgive myself for allowing myself to take over the judgements of others so we can be friends because we share the same judgements and opinions
i forgi vemyself for allowing myself to want to be friends with everyone
i forgiv myself forallowing myself to believe my family when they tell me i should have more friends and go out more
i forgiv meyself fo rallowing myself to not want to be left alone
i forgiv emyself fo rallowing myself to separate everyone from myself by looking up to them and want them to copy me as i copy them
i forgiv emyself fo rallowing myself to be a copycat
i forgiv meyself fo rallowing myself

2008 perfectionism

i want everything i do to seem and look 'perfect', if that even exists-->it doesnt its a mind job, an invention
like, before writing words, i think about what i will or might write, or i look for something in myself that i can put into words, because i fear just writing and the words might be gibberish.
they might not really say anything, and it will 'get me' nowhere, so i fear 'waisting my time' on something, what ever it is. with the ouiji bord it s the same, i ll sit down in front of it, but with fear of starting or asking a question, because it might 'fail'. it might not live up to my expectancies-->which i got thru comparing myself with other humans, with what they do. like with maite: she had entire conversations posted. so i feel like i have to be able to do that too, to prove to myself that i am 'equally good' as maite, because i can do something that she can aswell.
damn. i ve been allowing myself to be like that my whole life. always looking at others, seeing how they do something and then only doing it myself. my mom says that my brother was the opposite, he jumped right in, didnt care about what would happen. i waited, looked at how it went with others, tryed to see what i had to do to do it 'right' and then did it, when i knew i could do it perfectly. i hold myself back in a lot of things, like making music etc, because it s near impossible to be able to play an instrument perfectly from the first moment. so i think 'why bother', if it s not going to be perfect, if i cant impress others with it.
i learn with my eyes, looking at others, i keep looking and 'absorb it' with my eyes, so i can do the same. when i was little, i used to do the same as the actors and actresses on tv, i would act the scenes out that i saw on tv in my room. i would repeat a sentence or a word that i had heard over and over again till i got it perfect. my mom cought me doing that in front of the mirror in the bathroom once, and she started laughing and she repeated what i was repeating to myself and i felt really embarassed.

like i have an image to uphold. expectancies. being perfect.trying to avoid any sort of negative judgement from anyone. being absolutely perfect, for everyone. that s really difficult, because everyone have different views and things they disapprove of etc.

because i can be very annoyed with a persons expression, like think it s really dumb. and then hate that person for their expression. when i was younger, i had friends, we hated children. go figure, we hated them for their 'stupid' and 'dumb' expressions. for their 'free' expressions, we judged them as dumb and stupid. we resented most everything and made fun of others, we thought we were 'better'. we were more 'serious' and 'in control'. annoyment seemed to be a good protector of getting those judgements from others , like 'stupid' and 'dumb'. but i was afraid actually of children, i was afraid of their honesty, of what they might say about me. what they might see in me, s a shame about my own self expression, shame about my own freedom such as sexuality or self expression like singing. we sung a lot, but it was always compared with how whitney houston and celine dion sing. i was really afraid of them laughing at me, so i always wanted to prove myself as being perfect. like i constantly do.

with everything, i cant just let go, cause i feel like i got something to prove, because i want people to say: hey wauw kim....
i want them to go wauw, so i m afraid of doing something i ve already done or talk about something i ve already talked about, because they might think 'there she is again, we already know about this'. so i m trying to impress others. trying to get their attention. trying to seem self honest, trying to seem like i m 'going fast in process', all about how things appear to be. and when i do something that people say 'wauw' , i think i have to keep them saying 'wauw', i have to keep them impressed, i have to keep that image 'high' in their minds of me, i cant disappoint them about me, cant let them think 'oh i guess she isn t that great after all'. like i judge others as 'high' or 'low', with things that make me go 'wauw'. and then i think they are better than me and i try to impress them so they can think that i am better than them. and then i read or see something of that person that doesnt fit that 'perfect image' profile i ve made of them in my mind and i feel releaved because now 'they werent so perfect after all'. i guess i was better than them all along.

so seriously, everything i do, is to impress others. is to prove myself. so i feel like i have to fit some kind of profile. because i want to be better than everyone around me. that s how i as the system as who i ve allowed myself to become, have set myself up. i d say it comes from my dad, comparing me with others, saying me i have to be more like them. so i think i have to be able to do what others do and be who others are. but only the ones who get positive attention from others. the ones that are looked up to, the ones that are respected and accepted by the 'group'.

so i have a tendency of deviding people in groups like in a class group: like the populars, who are the smartest etc, they are apparantly the best. they are the ones i look up to and want to be liked by want to be like. so they are the ones i compare myself with all the time. so i can get the same kind of attention from others as they have. but i dont realise that i m the only one giving them that kind of attention in the first place.
like my self expression is too boring, too repetative. not perfect enough. so i create these perfect images of others in my mind, like they are flawless beings. beings to look up to. because i want to be flawless.
so again i am the only one creating those images of them as flawless because all of the other people agree with them and accept them. so i try to force myself into trying to be like them so i will be accepted.

in school: the popular kids were flawless, perfect. what they said was the truth, everybody listened. i did too. when they said about someone else that he or she was also cool, i also thought that. when they said about someone that he or she was stupid, i also followed. that way i 'lost' my best friend, because one of the popular kids told me that he was stupid, actually i lost my two first best friends that way, because apparantly they werent good enough to be accepted by the 'populars' , so i decided to dump them, so i could focus on myself being good enough to be accepted. so i denied 'who i was' and what i wanted or what i liked, to be liked and likeable.
so instead of being good enough for me, i wanted to be good enough for others. because i thought i needed those people, because i didnt want to be laughed at like the apparant stupid kids were.
i was constantly on my guard about possibly someone disliking me and then trying to fix that.

constantly trying to keep everybody 'happy' about me...like homebasing myself. because i wouldnt be able to handle it if somebody found me stupid or mean. the populars might find me stupid, and the others might find me mean for dumping them.
i always needed a 'net' to fall back in. 'friends'.
i always felt like truly others are better than me, i must follow their exsample and i must impress them so they will notice me and take me into their circle of trust. so i can feel trusted.
and trustworthy. like they are really perfect.
and in my quest for also trying to be perfect like the images i hold in my mind of others, i denied my self expression , i denied a lot about myself by trying to uphold this image that apparantly i am. perfect image. image....
perfect behaviour, perfect speech. pretending to be pure and innocent and very much 'in control' of myself . while really what was going on inside myself, was constant worrying if i am alright for others, if they are accepting me or not, if i m being good enough. wanting others to see me as perfect like i see them. flawless. to accept me like i see they are being accepted. but not accepting myself so ofcourse i never feel accepted. i always feel not good enough and unaccepted. i always feel stupid and mean. i give others the power to make or break me. that s why i find others often quite mean because they re not playing along with this perfect image i try to portray.

it s why i see myself as a passive and not directive or assertive person. because being direct meens voicing myself, as who i am. not caring about what other people think. and with this constant trying to be 'perfect', an image like the ones in my mind, it s impossible to voice myself because it might not be accepted. so still holding on to others accepting me. but is this even possible? how can others accept me? ...by not finding and judging me as mean..or stupid..
i m constantly afraid of saying something that they wont 'accept', that they wont like. that they ll judge as mean, so i constantly have the feeling that what i say is really mean..or stupid..
so i barely say anything and i m afraid to ask questions because they might think i m stupid and ignorant.

i forgive myself for allowing myself to want to be found perfect by others
i forgive myself for allowingmyself to look at others and find and judge them as perfect
i forgiv emyself for allowingmsyelf to think i have to be like others, walk talk and act like them so i can be perfect
i forgive myself for allowingmsyelf to fear not being accepted by other people because of something i say or do
i forgive myself forallowingmsyelf to think that the people around me are more accepted and acceptable than me, so if i want to be accepted i have to be like them
i forgive myself fora llowingmsyelf to believe that my self expression is not good enough
i forgive myself forallowingmsyelf to fear my self expression being found stupid or ignorant
i forgive myself forallowing myself to think and believe that others know better than me
i forgive myself for allowingmsyelf to believe that i must listen to others to know about things, to do the right things and say the right things
i forgive myself for allowingmsyelf to believe that the right thing exists
i forgive myself forallowingmsyelf to think i have to hold to a code of living so i can be accepted
i forgivme yself forallowingmsyelf to think that others make the code and i have to follow the code
i forgive myself forallowingmyself to fear taking responsability for me as me therefore following others because i believe that who i am doesn t know what to do or who to be
i forgiv emyself for allowingmseylf to believe that others are better than me
i forgive myself forallowingmyself to believe that others are an exsample of how and who i have to be
i forgivem yself for having allowed myself to believe that my opinions or the way i see things is worthless and wont be accepted or comprehended
i forgivm eyslef for allowingmsyelf to fear standing up as me around people because they might not agree with me
i forgivem yself forallowingmsyelf to believe that to be a good person, others have to agree with me
i forgive myself for allowingmsyelf to believe that others know things better than me
i forgive myself forallowingmsyelf to place my trust in others to tell me what is right
i forgive myself for allowingmsyelf to believe that i am stupid and i dont know what is right or good
i forgive myself forallowingmsyelf to believe that right and good exist
i forgive myself forallowing myself to fear trusting myself because i think i dont know who i am without others telling me who i am
i forgivm eyself for allowingmyself to think i am who others tell me i am
i forgive myself for allowingmyself to believe that when someone calls me stupid , i am stupid
i forgive myself for allowingmsyelf to believe that when someone calls me smart, i am smart
i forgiv emyself forallowingmsyelf to believe that when someone calls me slow, i am slow
i forgive myself for allowingmyself to think i have to live up to expectations of others
i forgive myself for not allowingmsyelf to realise that i am the one making expectations of myself by thinking i have to be like others to be ok
i forgive myself for allowingmsyelf to rather want to be found ok by others than by myself
i forgiv emyself for allowingmyself to make and create pictures and images of other people around me based on the construct i ve allowed myself to become of thinking that others know better, and then truly believing that those humans are that perfect image i create of them in my mind
i forgiv emyself for allowingmyself to also want to be a perfect image like the ones i hold of otherpeople around me in my mind thru comparing me with them in trying to be like them
i forgiv emyself for allowingmyself to think that others hold the key to life
i forgive myself forallowingmsyelf to believe that others know more than i do
i forgive myself for allowingmsyelf to think i am less than the people around me therefore i have tolook up to them and do as they do
i forgive myself for allowingmyself to fear directing myself because it might not be appreciated and accepted by others
i forgive myself for having allowed myself to truly believe that other humans have all the answers therefore listening to them and doing as they do
i forgive myself fo r having allowed myself to believe that the world and life and humans are really what other people say they are
i forgive myself for allowing myself to really believe that i have no self directive abilities
i forgiv myself for allowingmsyelf to truly believe that what i know or what i can do is not good enough
i forgive myself for allowingmsyelf to respect others more than i respect myself
i forgiv emyself forallowingmyself to place my self worth in the hands of others
who can then make or break me with the words they speak towards me
i forgiv emyself for allowingmyself to want others to see me as perfect so i dont have to take responsability for my actions
i forgiv emyself for allowingmyself to be ok with everything that other people do or say because i want to show them that i am perfect and i cannot be critisized
i forgive myself for allowingmyself to fear critique from people because i define myself so much according to what and who people around me say i am or think i am
i forgive myself fo rallowingmyself to constantly want to please people so they may find me acceptable
i forgiv emyself for allowiing msyelf to believe i need other humans to accept me and the things i do and say
i forgivem yeslf for allowingmyself to see others as kings and queens that i must respect and bow before
i forgive myself for allowingmsyelf to truly believe that these humans around me have it figured out
i forgive mlyself for allowingmsyelf to fear the people around me becoming annoyed or angry at what i do
i forgive myself for allowingmsyelf to believe that the anger or annoyement of others over what i do is right and what i did that made them angry is wrong
i forgive myself fo rallowing myself to respect adults
i forgive myself fo rallowing myself to believe my judgement over others as more self assured, more certain more directive, and truly believe that they are more and better than me
i forgiv emyself forallowingmsyelf to fear others around me who i judge as more direct, more self assured, more certain
i forgive myself fo rallowing myself to fear those people not accepting me or finding me good enough
i forgive myself forallowingmsyelf to listen to the assertiveness and directive ness of others instead of my own
i forgive myself forallowingmsyelf to believe that i need to be directed by others because i dont know my place
i forgive myself for allowingmyself to not realise that systems dont know who they are therefore they dont know what they are doing so there is no point in listening to what they say because they are only talking to themselves as the system as who they ve allowed themselves to become
i forgive myself for allowingmsyelf to deny feelings such as anger and frustration in myself because i think they wont be accepted and therefore fearing the anger of others and wanting them to accept me
i forgiv emyself fo rallowing myself to believe that anger and frustration are bigger than me
i forgiv emyself fo rallowingmsyelf to constantly watch my language and what i say around others because they might become offended
i forgive myself for allowing myself to be easily offended when someone tells me something or gives me critique
i forgive myself for allowing myself to feel like a bad person when someone says that i havent done something right
i forgiv emyself forallowingmsyelf to constantly try to please people with what i do and therefore easily think that i am wrong
i forgiv emyself for allowing myself to believe in right and wrong
i forgive myself forallowing myself to believe that perfect expression exists
i forgive myself forallowing myself to cover up my self honesty because i judge it as not good enough
i forgive mysel for allowing myself to cover up my emotions and feelings because i judge them as not good enough
i forgive myself for allowing myself to expect others to like me insteadof me liking me
i forgiv emyself forallowing msyelf to constantly judge others on their emotions that they display
i forgive myelf forallowingmyself to judge emotions and feelings as less than me therefore judge people who get angry or annoyed as less than me because i think i dont have those emotions
i forgive myself for allowingmyself to fear becoming angry because other people might see me as not perfect
i forgive myself for allowingmsyelf to stop any emotions and feelings i might have and cover them up with portraying an image of myself towards others that i think they might accept and approve of

i forgive myself forallowingmyself to adjust my behaviour to the behaviour of the people around me so they will accept me
i forgiv emyself for having allowed myself to listen to my dad when he told me to be more like others otherwise i wont be accepted
i forgiv emyself for having allowed myself to listen to my family when they said that all that matters is that other people accept you
i forgive myself for allowing myself to look at other humans behaviour and then copy that so i ll behave in a 'good manner'
i forgive myself forallowing myself to judge others based on how they behave and therefore feel constantly judged over my behaviour
i forgive myself for allowing myself to constanly judge others on how they act and try to be better than them in the way that i act
i forgiv emyself for allowing myself to try to be better than others in my behaviour as compensation for feeling less than them thru comparison
i forgiv emyself forallowingmyself to constantly compare myself with others thinking i have to be like them thus constantly placing myself under less than them as me
i forgiv emyself forallowingmyself to compensate for that feeling less than them by trying to behave like them only better so they will accept my behaviour
i forgiv emyelf for allowingmsyelf to judge others as stupid and dumb based on their behaviour
i forgiv meyself forallowingmsyelf to fear being judged that way so therefore deny myself by acting in a way of which i think it will be judged as perfect and good
i forgive myself for allowingmyself to judge others based on their behaviour as less than me based on my behaviour
i forgiv emyself forallowing myself to judge others who behave according to the way they feel as less than me because i want to seem as if i am perfect in my behaviour as if i have no feelings or emotions
i forgiv emyself for having allowed myself to become a picture that is judgable
i forgiv emyself for having allowed myself to define humans according to the way they act and move and behave and according to what they do by com paring them to what i do and then judging what i do as better
i forgive myself for allowingmsyelf to judge my behaviour as the best behaviour
i forgive myelf for allowingmyself to believe that i am the most righteous person of all because i behave in a controlled and well fit manner
i forgiv emyself fo rallowing myself to give away my power to others by wanting and needing them to see me as perfect as the perfect image i try to portray of myself
i forgive myself for having allowed myself to fear others to judge the way i behave as stupid and dumb
i forgive myself for having allowed myself to separate humans from me based on the way they act and look
i forgive myself for having allowed myself to want to have the best act and look
i forgive myself for having allowed myself to live in perpetual fear of others not finding me to have the best act and look, to fear others not accepting my act and look
i forgiv emyself for not allowing myself to realise that i am the only one not accepting my behaviour and my look by not accepting that of others by finding the behaviour and the look of others not good enough and stupid and dumb and less
i forgiv emyself forallowing myself to limit myself as self expression as self movement byconstantly worrying if i am behaving alright for the humans around me, am i behaving in an acceptable and accepted manner..
i forgive myself for allowingmyself to limit myself as others in self expression by constantly judging them on their behaviour and how it compares to mine
i forgiv emyself for allowingmsyelf to believe that all humans must be the same and act the same
i forgi vemyself fo rallowingmyself to fear being seen as deviant, not normal, weird
i forgive myself fo rallowingmyself to fear displaying behaviour that will get me kicked out of the group, or rejected by others because it is judged as abnormal or weird or deviant
i forgive myself for not allowingmsyelf to realise that i am the only one judging others as myself based on behaviour as deviant, or not normal, or not acceptable or weird

till here and no further:
i am not my behaviour
behaviour does not exist
abnormal or normal doesnot exist
i am not normal
i am not abnormal
others are not normal
others are not abnormal
i am self movement as all as one as equal
i am no image that is comparable, i am no behaviour that is comparable
i realise that perfection does not exist, i realise that i cannot be better than another because i cannot be or even be like another
i can only be me
i realise that it is absurd to want to be like another
i realise that another cannot possibly accept or approve of me, only i can
only me as all as one as equal
there is only me
i will no longer separate others from me based on the way we behave
i will no longer define me as others based on the way we behave or look
i am self acceptance as life within myself as all as one as equal
i am here
i am breath
i will no longer suppress
i will no longer fear emotions and feelings because i no longer deny or avoid
i am not fear
i am not emotions
i am not feelings
i am not influencable by them so i need not deny them

i

2008 desires about my body

ok i define myself very much on how i look. i want to look sexy and attractive, so that, when a man looks at me, he will feel aroused and be interested in me and having sex with me.
i want to look cute and lovely and beautiful and perfectly gentle and soft and warm and everything a man would like in a woman and everything a man would fall 'in love ' with. so that i can get attention. i define myself according to the curves of my body: my breasts, my belly, my butt, my arms, my shoulders, my thighs, my upper legs and butt cheeks, my lower legs, my knees, my feet. i want every angle of my body to look sexy and soft and cute. i compare my body to the body of females that i see in magazines on tv, or to the body of friends of mine that seem to get a lot of attention from boys. i especially try to portray myself as a gentle, weak, nice, lovely, cute girl. one that men would want to protect, one that men would feel admiration for.
i want to be admired by men, i want them to feel overpowered by the feeling of love, the feeling of exitement and awe and arousal for me. i dont really want them to touch me, but i want them to long and lust for me.
i like to feel like a girl that just walks around and being loved by everyone, being protected by everyone. i want men to feel like they want to be nice and protective of me. i have a friend that kind of gets that effect on men, at least that s how i see her: cute, lovely, nice , sweet etc
someone you'd want to protect, someone who walks around being all pretty and sweet and cute and you just feel like preserving that beauty. like it s almost a sin to touch it.
so i separate my pureness and sweetness and love and beauty and perfectness from myself by projecting it onto her and then thinking i need to be like her to also get that kind of attention from men (that actually i give to her, by thinking that men see her in that way)

i always was under the impression that i was beautiful and pure and cute and i wanted people to see me as a pure childlike expression that they just want to protect and preserve: i wanted people to care for me and make sure i m ok, because they see me as perfectness that needs to be preserved and shunn off from the nasty and cruel and mean outside world.
so i was more than happy to give my directness and power and strength away to men and expecting them to feel like they have to take care of me.
i did that with my mother aswel: i expected her to take care of me because appearantly i wasnt strong enough to do that myself.

i often started crying when i felt like my mother disapproved of something i did, because i kinda knew that i did a stupid thing. so in stead of taking self responsability and realising i was being self dishonest, i started crying to get my mom to take pity on me so i could feel like what i did wasnt really that stupid, or it wasnt my fault. so i would be safe under her again, under her protection. so i could feel like i m just a cute little kid who is pure and perfect and needs to be protected from the world, who needs to be cared for.

i always expect my world outside of me, to notice me, to notice my 'special beingness', my purety etc., so they will want to take care of me. i always expected other humans to make things happen for me so i dont have to do anything, so i can just stay blissfully in lala land
just like i expect the universe to notice my 'good intentions', to notice that 'i am in the process of self realisation', and take care of stuff for me, make things happen for me: kinda like the 'secret', the law of attraction.
so i m separation myself from all of the 'bad stuff' that could happen to me by wanting to avoid it by expecting me to always be protected from it by others

i fear doing everything for me by me thru me because i fear making a 'wrong decision'
the reason why i fear making a wrong decision in the first place is because i expect certain things from my world as myself, i expect everything going perfectly.
perfectly means that i wont have to 'put myself out there', i wont have to expose myself, i wont have to talk to people. so i fear talking to people -->because i expect from them to take care of me, so mostly in talking to people all i do is try to keep them happy about me so they will keep taking care of me. and obviously from that starting point i fear saying something 'wrong' that will cause them not liking me anymore and rejecting me, so i ll be on my own without the support of my world outside of me.
so apparantly i seem to be under the belief that i need others to survive, that i cant do things on my own: due to lack of knowledge and strength, due to lack of directive abilities

and the reason why i seem to be under the belief that i lack strength , knowledge and directive abilities, is because i use future projections to create an outcome to everything i do, truly everything i do. and then fear that i wont be able to get to that outcome , fear 'failing', so fearing that i wont have 'what it takes' to get to 'where i wanna be'.
so i ll have an idea, right, a simple idea. or no, just an intention of doing something, or a project, something simple. then i ll project myself into an outcome of this thing that i m about to do, into some image of how it will and must be when i ve 'finished' what i ve done.
i create an image of how it must appear. how i must 'feel' when i ve done it.
and i always want things to 'work', i fear 'failing'. kinda difficult explaining this.
i fear 'waisting my time' on something. i fear doing something that wont 'get me somewhere'. so i always want to get somewhere. i always want something i do to direct my world in such a way that i can, within doing it, make a lot of money, or create a safe net for me to live in. so everything i do i do for a certain goal, i expect it to, in the end, be very helpful for me, something i can use for specific purposes. and again i ve made an image of these specific purposes aswell.
so i design my world in my mind according to fear of losing my security, fear of losing 'control' of my world, fear of losing my pre ordained and habitual 'habitat', which is based on having defined myself according to sertain behaviour (towards the humans in my world, towards my world) so i may keep what i know, what i ve always known, for exsample the mother i have and have always known and the house i live in with her and have always known, the job i have (the fact that i have a job), the town i live in. it s all intitutions that i project my security and safety onto and then i try to hold onto them by always behaving towards them in the same manner, so they will also see me as a point of stability within their world as i see them within my world: points of stability. so i keep to 'rules of behaviour', like the social rules, for exsample smiling when someone looks at me, saying hello and goodbye and goodmorning and goodnight, always looking at someone when i pass them by, waving at someone that knows me and that recognises me, doing smalltalk like asking 'how are you doing?' or 'everything alright?'. and then always saying: 'yes, i m good' and when someone says 'yes, i m good', saying 'oh that s good'. everything must always seem good.

friendly
nice
almost obedient
placing myself under the 'institutions' by thinking i need them to survive so then responding to institutions with institutions (as socially accepted behaviour).

all based on fear of change.
which only exists because i make future projections, based on the past, based on trying to hold on to the past as what i ve always known. keeping the ferris wheel of consciousness system sustained.
i feel like often there s something in my mind, i am in my mind i mean, sometimes, but i dont know why, i only realise i am not here.
and usually it has to do with fear of the future, but soo subtle, like it s almost normal, like it s always there, a perpetual lingering fear of the future, fear of in the future possibly something changing, in the future possibly someone becoming angry with me, in the future possibly experiencing fear. so fearing fear itself, as loss. so i am in this moment, when experiencing this subtle fear of the future, defining myself according to something, otherwise i wouldnt be so afraid of in the future possibly losing it...


i forgiv emyself for allowingmyself to see desteni as a classroom, and the forummembers as fellow students, bernard as the teacher and the process as a test that we have to take
i forgi ve myself for allowingmyself to want to be the fastest, the best at taking and doing the test
i forgive myself for alloiwngmyself to see us all as 'striving for the attention of the teacher aka bernard'
i forgiv emyself for allowingmsyelf to see everything i do as behaviour that needs to be approved of by the teacher
i forgive myself for allowing myself to place expectancies over myself, like having to be very insightful and being able to show this in my writings and in the things that i do
so that i will be noticed by the teacher as a good student and i will be noticed by fellow students as a better student than them
i forgiv emyself for allowingmyself to see everything as a test, something i have to prove my worth in
i forgive myself for allowingmyself to compare myself with everyone else to calculate my worth
i forgiv emyself for allowingmyself to think i have to do certain things, like going to sa or make videos or make blogs or read and write on desteni to let everyone know i m a part of the class, to let the teacher see that i m doing well
i forgive myself for allowingmyself to separate myself from bernard by expecting of him to approve the things that i do
i forgive myself for allowing myself to separate myself from everyone on desteni site by comparing what i do and say to what they do and say and think that i need to do the same to keep up with the class
i forgive myself for allowingmyself to fear being behind on everyone in the 'class'
i forgive myself for allowingmyself to separate desteni forum members from the rest of the world to see it as a secluded part, like an actual classroom, by thinking that what we do is more special then what the rest of the world does
i forgive myself for accepting andallowingmyself to want to be accepted by the 'classmates' by showing the same kind of behaviour as them
i forgive myself for accepting andallowingmyself to fear being absolutely completely myself out of fear that they might not like me and kick me out of the group
i forgiv emyself for allowingmyself to believe that there are things that i cant do or say because they might not be accepted and i might be kicked out of the group
i forgive myself for allowingmyself to fear being kicked out of the site or fear not being approved of by people in the group
i forgive myself for accepting andallowingmyself to see myself in relationship to the desteni forum 'group' as having a certain 'place'
i forgiv emyself for allowingmyself to believe that everyone has a certain place
i forgiv e msyelf for allowingmyself to see the people that i see mostly on the site such as ann maite gabriel leila talamon catherine, andrea, alex, darryl, paul as the 'popular ones', the ones that hold the group together
i forgive myself for acceptingandallowingmyself to think that i dont know the new members of the forum and that i need to ajust to their presence
i forgiv e myself for allowingmsyelf to see new members as intruders into the group
i forgive myself for accepting and allowingmyself to see everything i do as being 'in function of the group'
i forgive myself for acceptingandallowingmyself to see everything that i do as having a certain place and effect in the group
i forgiv emyself for allowingmyself to want to belong with 'the ones that are there the longest', thus the ones who are 'more self realised'
i forgiv emyself for allowingmyself to seek for approval of the rest of the forum members with the things that i do like doing a vlog or blog or when i post something like sf list
i forgive myself fo rallowingmyself to adjust to the 'group dynamics'
i forgive myself foracceptingandallowingmyself to think i must read up on new posts and old ones to be able to show that i m a full fledged member because i know the groups history, so now i can talk along with everyone
i forgive myself for acceptingandallowingmyself to think that i belong with the 'old members now' because i m going to sa and i ve been on pf for a while
i forgive myself for not acceptingandallowingmyself to realise that i was once new there too and that i would not have liked being judged as 'new' and 'still very self dishonest'
i forgiv emyself for allowingmsyelf to judge everything i do within comparison of how i judge what everyone else on the forum does and ask myself 'what would they do?'
i forgive myself for acceptingandallowingmyself to believe that i am dependent on how others there 'see' me
i forgive myself for not acceptingandallowingmsyelf to realise that i am the only one 'seeing' me as i 'see' and judge others aswell
i forgiv emyself for acceptingandallowingmsyelf to make pictures and images in my mind of everyone on the forum and judge them accordingly and then think that they have this certain image of me aswell
i forgive myself foracceptingandallowingmsyelf to believe that these images in my mind as separated from myself are infact real
i forgiv emyself for not acceptingandallowingmsyelf that those images are but a mere separation of myself , they are a projection of myself as who i ve allowed myself to become, all of them: projections
based on my past as who i ve allowed myself to become : a system
i forgi vemyself for accepting andallowingmyself to think i need something outside of myself to tell me that i m doing allright
if orgive msyelf for acceptingandallwoingmsyelf to really believe that i cant make 'the right decisions' for myself
i forgi ve myself for acceptingandallowingmyself to divert my self responsability towards desteni by trying to figure out what they all do to try to know if i m doing the right thing
i forgi ve myself for acceptingandallowingmsyelf to separate desteni from myself by thinking that it is something i need approval from
i forgive myself for allowingmyself to fear maybe doing something that isnt really what i m supposed to do
if orgive myself for allowingmyself to believe that it is possible to do the wrong thing
i forgive myself for allowingmyself to believe that there are humans out there that know what to do better than i do
i forgive myself forallowingmsyelf to believe that there are humans who know more about life and how to live than i do
i forgiv emyself for allowingmsyelf to not realise that i am one and equal to them as to all
i am here
i forgive myself for not allowing myself to trust myself as all as one as equal as here as self movement as who i really am
i forgive myself for allowingmyself to believe that my life has to look like the life of those that are already more out of their system than i am
i forgive myself for not allowing myself to realise that by believing that, i am placing my trust in what life appears to be, on the surface, which is separation which is system as who ive allowed myself to become
i forgiv emyself for not allowing myself to realise that who i am manifests within my world as one and equal to who i am as my world within myself
i forgiv emyself for not allowingmyslf to realise that i cannot possibly find myself within another as who they appear to be as a description as a picture as what i think feel or emote, because i am not a picture and neither are others
all is here as me within me as who i am as life within myself
i realise that noone can be better than me at life because i am life as all as one as equal
within equality better or less does not exist
i realise that i cannot find myself in the world around me that i see , because the way i ve always seen and interpreted the world never actually existed
i can only be in breath as breath as who i am
i can only trust breath because i realise that everything else is illusion
i am breath i am here
i am self trust as life within myself
there is nothing or no one outside of myself
there is no one better than me or less than me
because there is only me
here as breath
this is me
all one



i forgiv emyself foracceptingandallowingmsyelf to fear being myself because i might do something to upset others, i might come across as mean
i forgive myself foracceptingandallowingmsyelf to judge others as mean when they say something direct
i forgivemyself for acceptingandallowingmsyelf to think that i am not mean
i forgive myeslf foraccpetingandallowingmsyelf to believe that i am a nice person
i forgive myself for acceptingand allwoingmsyelf to believe that it is wrong to come across as mean
i forgive myself for acceptingandallowingmsyelf to believe that it is wrong to be direct
i forgiv emyself foracceptingandallowingmsyelf to think that it is normal to not want to hurt peoples feelings
i forgive myself for acceptingandallowingmsyelf to want others to see who i am in my writings, to see how self realised i am
i forgive myself for not acceptingand allowingmsyelf to realise that someone only sees themselves in everything, just as i only see myself in others writings
i forgive myself for acceptingandallowingmyself to believe that it is possible for anyone to see me as who i am
i forgiv emyself for acceptingandallowingmyself to believe that i am how others perceive me
i forgiv emyself foracceptingandallowing myself to believe that others are how i perceive them
i forgive myself for acceptingandallowingmsyelf to believe that it is possible for others to approve of my writings or of what i do for they do not see me as who i really am, they only see themselves
i forgive myself for not realising how absurd it is to fear what others might think of me within the realisation that i am truly one and equal to them, so i am truly only fearing myself as how i haven t yet realised myself
i forgive myself for acceptingandallowingmyself to believe that there are humans in this process with me
i forgi vemyself for acceptingandallowingmsyelf to fear being disapproved of others who are also in this process
i forgive myself foracceptingandallowingmsyelf to believe that others can know better
i forgiv e myself for acceptingandallowingmsyelf to separate myself from all of the forum members by not realising that what they say to me, i say to me, all is assistance from me for me by me
i forgive myself fo racceptingandallowingmsyelf to react to what other humans say to me thereby separating me from them thereby denying a part of myself by projecting it onto them and thinking that that is not me but them
i forgiv emyself for not allowingmsyelf to realise that if i would truly know a persons motives and a persons inner workings i would not react because i would see that nothing in this world has ever been direct, all has been but a reaction compounding
i forgiv emyself for having allowed myself to believe that the reactions are truly who i am
i forgive myself for never having allowed myself to see beyond to surface
i forgive myself for having allowed myself to actually believe that people are but surfaces
everyone but me
i forgive myself for having allowed myself to not realise how absurd it is to want to be the best because we are all the same in having allowed ourselves to become compounded reactions
i forgive myself for allowingmyself to believe that friendlyness exists
i forgive myself forallowingmsyelf to try to come across as friendly because i think that people like that and then they will like me
i forgive myself for allowingmyself to like people better than others if they are friendly and make jokes etc
i forgive myself for allowing myself to believe that there are certain rules that i have to hold to
i forgive myself for allowingmyself to hold myself back from doing something because i think that others might find it stupid or weird or not acceptable
i forgive myself for allowing myself to fear being found weird or deviant or unacceptable or abnormal
i forgi ve myself for allowingmyself to think that people who are judged as abnormal and weird are rejected and end up alone
i forgive myself for allowingmyself to fear ending up alone
i forgive myself for allowing myself to place all my self acceptance in a group of humans apparantly outside of myself
i forgive myself for allowingmyself to believe that i would be miserable if i wouldnt have other humans to like me and accept me and take me into their mids
i forgive myself for allowign myself to want to associat me with a group of people to hold my ego together, because they are humans that support and approve and understand what i do
i forgi vemyself for allowing myself to see this group as something that keeps me protected that keeps my ego protected
i forgiv emyself for allowing myself to believe that if i am just myself, i will be unprotected and vulnerable
i forgive myself for allowingmsyelf to believe that i can be protected by an ego
i forgive myself fora llowingsyelf to believe that i need protection as i am one and equal to all so there is no danger because i realise that i would only be fearing myself as judgements that i ve placed over others as me
i forgive myself for allowingmyself to fear doing completely everything completely out of self movement because i would not have other humans 'like myself' to fall back on
i forgive myself forallowingmsyelf to want others to fall back on
i forgiv emyself for not allowingmyself to realise that who i am as all as one as equal require nothing to keep me standing or to fall back on because i am infinitely stable as me here as who i am as stability as life within myself
i forgiv emyself for allowingmsyelf to contemplate and think about what i m gonna do because of fear that the other people who will see what i do will not agree or approve
i forgive myself for allowignmsyelf to believe i m doing things for others approval
i forgive myself for not allowingmsyelf to realise that i m doing everything for me by me as me
i forgive myself for not allowingmsyelf to realise that the only reason why i fear disapproval from others is because i seek approval from them as separate from myself as who i ve allowed myself to become
i forgive myself forallowigmsyelf to believe that what others might think of me has any effect on me what so ever
i forgive yself for not allowingmsyelf to realise that i only allow things to effect me by projecting myself outside of myself and being dependant on others to tell me who i am
i for give myself forallowingmsyelf to project myself outside myself and thereby being dependant on others to tell me who i am

till here and no further:
i do not belong to a group
a group doesnt exist
i realise that a group is only a separation tool from the system that the system uses to , via relationships, keep the whole separation going
i realise that i am the only one creating groups of people within my mind as who i ve allowed myself to become, by separating myself from all those humans and therefore thinking i need them to be me and to survive
i am not an ego that needs others to be confirmed and affirmed in its existence
i dont need confirmation or affirmation or approval
i am
i realise that as long as i think i need others i do not know others because i do not yet know myself because i am all as one as equal so by knowing myself i see i am others as life within myself here and i do not need anyone else but me here
i realise that all humans around me as how i think i know them or how i have known them actually dont exist
they were separated parts of me that i hadnt accepted and realised within myself
i am here as all as one as life
i am self acceptance
i am vulnerable
yet infinitely stable and not influencable
i am breath



i forgive myself for having allowed myself to fear certain reactions from others such as anger frustration
i forgive myself for having allowed myself to not realise that that reaction of fear to reactions of anger is a suppression of the anger within myself by believing that the anger has nothing to do with me or by believing that it is not me that is angry
i forgiv emyself for having accepted andallowed myself to fear anger and frustration from others by believing that it can influence and affect me
i forgive myself for acceptingandallowing myself to not realise that i can only be influenced by what i myself allow within myself and i am allowing myself to be influeced by it by denying that i ve allowed it to exist within myself
i forgiv emyself for acceptingandallowing myself to judge people that get angry and frustrated as mean and fearsome
i forgiv emyself for allowing myself to believe that i will not be able to stand as me when in the face of anger directed towards me
i forgiv emyself foracceptingandallowingmsyelf to believe that the emotion of anger is bigger than me
i forgiv myself for accepting and allowingmsyelf to believe that anger means that i will lose something, especially when the anger comes froma person that i depend on like my mother or the people i work for
i forgiv emyself foracceptingandallowingmyself to modify my behaviour and the things i say to something that i think will be accepted by those people that i depend on
i forgiv emyself for acceptingandallowingmyself to live in a perpetual fear of making my mother or the people i work for angry with me by me not answering to their expectancies of me
i forgive myself for acceptingandallowingmyself for having accepted andallowed myself to believe that i will lose people or things when they get angry 'at me'
i forgivemyself for acceptinganda llowingmyself to actually believe that the anger and the fear are real
and that i will fall when faced with them
i forgiv emyself for acceptingand allowingmsyelf to believe that i will fall when faced with anger and fear
i forgiv emyself for acceptinganda llowingmyself to believe that a person has a right to be angry with or at me and that i should feel guilty about what i did or said and should feel fear
i forgi vemyself for acceptingandallowingmsyelf to believe that a person who gets angry is bigger and better and stronger than me
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to believe that my parents were right when they became angry at me
i forgive myself for having accepted andallowed myself to believe that i am dependent on my parents therefore i should fear upsetting them because i might lose them if i do
i forgi vemyself for acceptingandallowingmyself to speak me infront of my parents because they might become angry with my words
i forgiv emyself for acceptingand allowin myself to believe that what i truly have to say from me as me is not good enough and therefore i should not voice me
i forgive myself for acceptingand allowing myself to think that if what i say and do doesnt answer to what my parents have tought and told me to behave , it is not ok
i forgive mysel ffor having accepted and allowed myself to believe that the rules of behaviour and the forcing myself into a pattern is better than who i truly am as life within myself as who i am as all as one as equal
i forgive myself for acceptingand allowing myself to not realise that i make and created my own rules of behaviour and patterns by always having believed others and not trusted myself
i forgive myself for having accepted andallowed myself to give away my power and self trust to others and therefore always needing someone to approve of me and knowing and telling me what to do and what i should do, always needing a teacher
i forgiv emyself for accepting andallowingmyself to judge myself as a freeloader for living with my mom but not trying to live up to what she expects of me
i forgiv emyself fo raccepting andallowingmsyelf to feel guilty for letting my mother take care of me by paying for the house and food etc
i forgive myself forallowing myself to want to convince my mother that what i do is better than what she does so she will do it as well so i can feel affirmated in what i do
i forgive myself for allowingmsyelf to want mymother to agree with me so i can feel safe
i forgvei msyelf for allowingmsyelf to feel unsafe because i believe that my mother doesnt like what i do and does not approve of it
i forgive myself for allowingmsyelf to believe that things would be much easier for me if my mother would support me in what i do an d who i am
i forgiv emyself for allowign msyelf to believe that someone outside of me can offer me support or help with what i do and who i am
i forgiv emyself forallowngmsyelf to believe that if i dont get support or help from my mother, that life will be difficult
i forgive myself for allowingmsyelf to believe that life has anything to do with my mother
i forgiv eyself for allowingsyelf to not realise that life needs no support, it just is as i am life
i forgive myelf for not allowingmsyelf to realise that it is impossible to be supported by another because that is separation and i am as all as one as equal
i am alone
i am self support as life within myself
life is not difficult, only a system can perceive things as difficult
i am ease as life as breath as every moment
i do not fear life
fear is not life
fear is an illusion
i am not an illusion
i am one and equal to my mother
i am not anger
i am not fear
i am not frustration
i do not fear anger
anger cannot influence me
anger does not exist
fear does not exist
frustration does not exist
i exist
i am here

2008 getting things done

i feel angry at my mom, for telling me things that i have to do that i find utterly unnecesairy but becasue i need her to do something for me i have no choise then to do what she wants me to do because otherwise she might not want to do it anymore. i want her to book a flight but she takes over and starts counterargumenting and questioning everything i ve done, with questions like 'is it safe' and 'i want you to travel with ensurance' and 'are you sure that these people can drive you to the airport that early?' and ' i want you to first make sure'. and then i get angry and frustrated with her telling me to do all this stuff that i dont really wanna do, she want everything to be certain and secure, i dont really care what happens. when she starts questioning everything : like: are you sure and but what if..?', then i start questioning myself and think 'yeah, what if...'
but why i am frustrated because she asks me to do all those things to make sure is because i dont want to bother other people. i always feel like asking questions to make sure etc, is bothering to people.
also i get frustrated because i want to get this done to get it done for ann, for others. with as little fuss as possible, so people are least bothered, so people dont get irritated or annoyed by me. fast and efficient. but then my mom starts interfering with my plans and i become frustrated because i start fearing that all my plans are falling and i wont be able to get it done, or i will bother people by changing the plans or maybe i wont be able to book the cheap flight and i will have to ask the person (ann) for more money
and then she will surely be annoyed by me, and think i am truly inadequate and stupid.
so i always depend on my mom to get something done for me: i bother my mom to not bother other people, and then i get frustrated with her if she doesnt do it rightaway because now maybe those people will see that i m not perfect fast and efficient
it s always been like that: with me wanting to impress my friends by showing them that my parents will take care of it so they will judge me positively, but then my parents, especially my mum, doesnt answer that expectancy i have of her and i feel ashamed because now my friends see that i am not as much in control as i want them to think.

i forgiv emyself for allowingmsyelf to feel annoyed and irritated when a friends parent interferes with our plans and then judge myfriend and their parents as stupid and annoying
i forgi vemyself for allowingmsyelf to want my friends to see that my parents are cool and will do whatever i ask them
i forgiv emyself for allowingmsyelf to judge that person as weak for succumbing to their parents wishes and rules
i forgive myself for allowingmyself to believe i am giving up my dignity or giving up myself when i 'give in' to the desires of my mother when she wants me to do things like make sure about stuff about the tripp when it isnt her trip and it isnt her money
i forgi ve myself for allowingmsyelf to having defined myself as care free
i forgi vemyeslf for having allowed myself to not want to really plan because i think that stuff will just happen for me
i forgi vemyself for having allowed myself to judge my mother as a control freak because she wants to make sure of everything
i forgiv meyself for not having allowed myself to realise that i am the exact same way in wanting everything to be sure so i wont get in trouble or i wont get lost , to want everything i do to be predetermined like a soul construct so i ll be completely safe and then be frustrated and fearful when that doesnt seem to go according to plan
i forgi vemyeslf for allowingmsyelf to think that i am bothering people by asking something of them
i forgive myself for allowingmsyelf to want to do everything perfect when someone asks me to do something so i wont bother them with a badly executed project
i forgi vmeyself for allowingmsyelf to like it when people ask me to do something so i will feel like they will sertainly like me, they have to like me , because i am the provider, i made it happen
i forgive myself fora llowingmsyelf to feel less than people who take things into their hands and work it out for everyone, who plan, organise etc to get things done
i forgive myself for allowingmsyelf to want to get things done by organising etc so others may feel less than me, so they may look at me as the one who can do it
i forgive myself forallowingmsyelf to fear beings judging me as someone who is lazy or doesnt do things and just lets others do everything
i forgiv meyeslf for allowingmsyelf to not want to do things but to want others to do it for me
because i fear failing
i forgiv emyelf for allowingmsyelf to want to look like i can do stuff perfectly
i forgi vemyslef for allowingmsyelf to want to show people that i can do an assignment perfecly
therefore fear i will fail because perfection doesnt exist
i forgi vemyself for allowingmsyelf to fear others thinking i am a free loader who lets others do the work
i forgiv emyself for allowingmsyelf to do things for the group so that they will see that i am not a free loader, but that i contribute to the group
i forgi vmeyself for allowingmsyelf to believe that others might get angry if i dont contribute, if i dont do something, take action for 'the group', when i am with others and stuff has to be done
i forgi vemyself for allowingmsyelf to think i cant take responsability for a whole group i might fail and then people might be annoyed or angry at me
i forgi emyelf for allowingmsyelf to believe i am in doing an assignment where others are involved, responsible for them and have to do it perfectly so they will look up at me and see me as a good and useful member of the group so they will accept me and approve of me
i forgi veyself for allowingmyself to not trust myself because of appearant group pressure
i forgiv emyself for allowingmsyelf to define myself as a chaotic person who can t organise and think logically
i forgi vemyself for allowingmsyelf to believe that people are expecting me to do things a certain way perfectly and fear that i wont be able to live up to those expectancies
i forgive myself fora llowingmsyelf to think others are more structurised,more clever, more organised, more logical
i forgive myself for allowingmsyelf to separate myself from other humans by thinking that they are better at doing things that need to be done than i am
i forgi meyslef for allowingmsyelf to believe that i am no good with organising
i forgi vmeylsef for allowing msyelf to define me as unlogical and unorganised
i forgiv emyeslf for allowingmsyelf to not realise that fear is the only thing that creates chaos
fear of not being able to do things effectively
i forgiv emyself for allowingmsyelf to believe that there are certain ways of doing things effectively and that i have to stick to those ways
i forgi vemyself for allowingmsyelf to fear doing things my way because i dont know that way
i forgiv emyself for allowingmsyelf to define my way as unsafe because i dont trust myself
i forgvi emyself for allowingmsyelf to believe that i must check with others to see if my way is the right way
i forgi ve myself fo r not allowingmsyelf to see and realise that my way is the only way
i forgi vemyself for allowingmsyelfto judge people as weak and inadequate and feel irritated when they cant seem to be able to do something 'the right way'
i forgive myself fo rallowingmsyellf to want to take matters into my own hands when i see people doing something 'wrong'
i forgiv emyself for allowingmyself for allowingmsyelf to feel frustrated when i see that i can do something that someone is doing , better and judge that person as stupid
i forgi vmeyself for not allowingmyself to realise that i only fear other humans judging me as stupid when i dont do things the 'right way' or perfectly and efficient because i do exactly the same unto them as separated from me as who ive allowed myself to become
i forgi vemyself for alloiwngmyself to think that i know better and i can do things better, more raffined, faster
i forgiv emyeslf fora llowingmyself to feel irritated when someone does things in a slow way
i forgiv eyself fo ralloiwngmyself to judge someone that does things slowly as stupid
i forgi vemyself for alloiwngmyself to want to do everything fast and efficient because i believe that is better than slowly
i forgive myself fo ralloiwngmyself to judge me as better than others because i can do things faster and more efficient
i forgive myself fo rallowingmyself to want to do everything myself because i judge what others do not good enough, too slow
i forgiv emyself fo rallowingmyself to judge slow as less than fast
i forgi vemyslef for allowingmyself tojudge chaotic as less than efficient and clear
i forgive myself for allowingmyself to always want to show people that i can do things really fast so they will be impressed
i forgive myself for allowingmyself to want to impress people with my speed with ex. running, typing, cutting vegetables, reading, looking things up, doing math sums in school (which was set up as a race by the teacher)
i forgi vemyself for allowing myself to believe that everything is a race and that the fastest is the best
i forgive myself for having allowed myself to want to be the first and the best in everything
i forgiv emyeslf for allowingmyself to compare myself in what i do with how others do the same thing and then based on parameters like speed judge myself as better than them for being faster
i forgiv emyself fo rallowingmyself to think that others are better than me in the structurising and organising and practical and commonsensical matters because i only base on the superficial esthetics like how fast: the comparable seemable judgable ratable gradable things
i forgi vemyelf for allowingmsyelf to only want to be seen as the best so only want to do the things that will make me stand out, but then fear doing them because i might fail
i forgiv emyelf for allowingmsyelf to separate myself from everyone by wanting to be the best based on parameters as polarities s a smart vs dumb, intelligent vs naive, fast vs slow, etc
i forgiv emyself for allowingmsyelf to fear being judged as dumb, naive and slow and desire to be judged as smart, intelligent and fast
i forgive myelf for allowingmsyelf to judge dumb naive and slow as less than fast, intelligent and smart
i forgiv emyself fo rallowingmsyelf to define myself according to how i do things
i forgiv eyself fo rallowingmsyelf to define myself according to the things that i do
i forgi veyeslf for allowingmyself to define mysel f according to comparing how i do things to how others do those things
i forgiv emyeslf for not allowingmsyelf to realise that the how of something is always an image , apicture, a judgement and i am the creater of pictures, images and judgements so it isnt real, it is system reaction it is not who i am as all as one as who i am here as life as breath
i am no picture i am no image i am no judgement
fast and smart and slow dont exist
neither do intelligent insightful, logical, commonsensical, naieve etc
only me exists here i am not comparable because i am oneness and equality
this is who i am
i dont have to do anything
nothing has to happen
i am not frustration
i forgiv eyself for allowingmsyelf to be controlled by frustration
i forgi veyself for allowingmsyelf to have reacted to frustration of my mother with frustration
i forgiv emyself for having allowed myself to react with anger to my mother trying to control what i do without realising i am only reacting to her because i allow myself to be that way aswell i just havent recognised and released it within myself
i release frustration because i realise that it is not who i am
i dont have to control things or people and people cant control me
only if i let the system that i ve allowed myself to become control me
i will no longer be controlled by a system as thoughts feelings and emotions because it is not who i am
i am here as all as one as equal
equal to my mother
and equal to ann
and equal to what i do as me as self movement as life within myself

2008 vlucht boeken naar Zuid Afrika

ann vraagt of we de vliegtickets naar sa al zullen boeken en ze stelt voor dat ik dat doe.
ik wil laten zien dat ik dat kan: snel en efficient, zodat ann tevreden is over mij en mij fijn vind en het ziet zitten om met mij op reis te gaan.
ik wil laten zien dat ik iemand ben die dingen gedaan krijgt, perfect, zoals ik ann zie en beoordeel.
maar ik heb mijn ma haar kredietkaart nodig en dus wil ik dat ze betaalt, dus stel ik me afhankelijk van haar.
ze zei dat ze wil dat ik verzekering neem toen ze zag dat er bij die vlucht geen bij was, en dan reageerde ik met kwaadheid, want ik kreeg niet wat ik wilde. het lukte niet...en ik voelde me gemachtmisbruikt, zo van 'ik betaal haar terug ik heb enkel haar kaart nodig, ze hoeft zich er voor de rest niet mee te bemoeien. en ik sta in voor mezelf als er iets zou 'mislopen''.

maar ik wilde het zo snel mogelijk gedaan krijgen, omdat ann dat wilde of voorstelde en ik wil ann niet teleurstellen.
volgens een bepaald plan waaraan ik vasthield, dus toen mama niet meteen ok zei werd ik gefrustreerd want het plan verliep niet zoals ik het me had ingebeeld.

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegestaan en geaccepteerd ann niet te willen teleurstellen
ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegestaan en geaccepteerd te willen doen wat ann zegt of voorstelt, zodat ze een goed beeld heeft van mij, een goede positieve beoordeling, zodat ze zich goed voelt over mij, zodat ik me goed kan voelen over mij.
ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegestaan angst te hebben dat alles niet snel en efficient verloopt zoals ann het had voorgesteld uit angst dat ze zich mss gefrustreerd zou voelen en mij niet meer positief zou beoordelen
ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegestaan en geaccepteerd ann van mij af te scheiden door angst te hebben dat ze me niet leuk vind door iets wat ik al dan niet doe
ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toesta angst te hebben om iets 'mis te doen', iets waardoor het hele sa gedoe 'gecompliceerd'word omdat het dan mijn schuld zal zijn
ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegestaan te denken dat ik ann nodig heb om mij leuk te vinden
ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegestaan te geloven dat er iets mis kan lopen
ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegestaan en geaccepteerd te willen aan andere mensen hun verlangens en verwachtingen voldoen om hen blij te maken zodat ik me blij kan voelen omdat mensen mij goedkeuren omwille van wat ik deed
ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegestaan te denken dat ik ann nodig heb om mij te accepteren
ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegestaan te denken dat het noodzakelijk is dat we ons amuseren bij elkaar
ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegestaan te willen dat ann mij ziet als een vriendin
ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegestaan positieve aandacht te willen van ann zodat we vrienden kunnen zijn zodat ik me geaccepteerd kan voelen
ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegestaan te willen dat ann mij beoordeeld omwille van wat ik doe, zoals ik dat bij haar doe
ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegestaan en geaccepteerd ann te beoordelen als snel en efficient en slim en inzichtvol omwille van wat ze deed, nl de goedkoopste reis vinden
ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegestaan en geaccepteerd mezelf minder te vinden dan ann omdat ik wat ik doe vergelijk met wat zij doet en denk dat ik niet zou kunnen wat zij doet
ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegestaan en geaccepteerd te denken dat ik moet kunnen wat ann doet om ook goed te zijn
ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toesta en accepteer ann (en heel veel andere meisjes) te zien en te beoordelen als een voorbeeld voor mij waar ik aan moet voldoen om goed genoeg te zijn
ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toesta en accepteer ann te zien als de rechter die mij beoordeeld op basis van wat ik doe en mij of wel kan goedkeuren of wel afkeuren
ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toesta werkelijk te geloven dat ann is wat ze doet
ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toesta werkelijk te geloven dat ik ben wat ik doe
ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toesta te denken dat ik niets kan, dus ben ik ook niets, maar dat vind ik enkel omdat ik denk dat ik moet doen wat anderen doen, wat nooit werkelijk vanuit mezelf komt, dus creer ik het zelf
ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegestaan en geaccepteerd te geloven dat het mogelijk is dat ik minder ben, op welke manier ook, dan ann, of dan wie dan ook
ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf niet toesta in te zien dat ik me enkel minder voel dan ann omdat ik denk dat ik niet goed genoeg ben omdat ik niet doe wat ann doet
ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toesta angst to hebben dat ann me zal beoordelen als een luie en een profiteur, iemand die wacht tot anderen het werk doen
ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toesta mezelf te beoordelen als een profiteur, iemand die anderen het werk laat doen, uit angst om te falen in wat ik doe (omdat ik het niet kan vergelijken)
ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toesta alles wat ik doe te vergelijken met wat anderen doen en te denken dat mijn handelingen en gedrag moeten lijken op die van anderen
ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegestaan mezelf af te scheiden van mijn handelingen door te denken dat ze bepalend zijn voor wie ik ben
ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegestaan mensen te beoordelen en definieren o b v hun gedrag obv wat ze doen
ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegestaan angst te hebben om iets te doen wat ann niet zint
ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf niet toesta te beseffen dat niet ann maar ik mezelf beoordeel o b v wat ik al dan niet doe
ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegestaan zelf acceptatie te laten afhangen van wat ik doe
ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegestaan mezelf enkel geaccepteerd te voelen wanneer ik dingen doe die anderen apprecieren
ikvergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegestaan mezelf enkel te apprecieren door dingen te doen die anderen apprecieren
ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf niet heb toegestaan te beseffen dat ann als hoe ik ze nu ken , enkel een plaatje is in mijn geest , als afgescheiden van mezelf, als hoe ik mezelf heb toegestaan te worden, dat mijn systeem nodig heeft om zichzelf in stand te houden: beoordeling
ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf hebtoegestaan te denken dat hoe ann al dan niet denkt over mij, een impact kan hebben op mij als wie ik werkelijk ben
ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegestaan mezelf als zelf expressie te limiteren en te ontkennen door rekening te houden met de verwachtingen die ik dacht dat ann had over mij
ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf niet heb toegestaan te beseffen dat ik de enige ben die verwachtingen maakte over mezelf
ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegestaan een verwachting als een afgescheiden beeld in mijn geest heb geplaatst over het 'reizen naar zuid afrika'
ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegestaan en geaccepteerd mezelf te limiteren in mijn expressie door een bepaald doel te willen bereiken, nl zo snel mogelijk tickets bestellen
ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegestaan te denken dat, omdat er iemand anders bij betrokken is, ik me aan bep regels moet houden, vb zo snel mogelijk, zo efficient mogelijk etc
ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegestaan ann van mij af te scheiden door te denken dat ik met haar verwachtingen over de reis moet rekening houden
ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf niet heb toegestaan te realiseren dat ik ann haar verwachtingen niet ken, enkel de mijne, die ik mezelf heb toegestaan te projecteren in ann
ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegestaan en geaccepteerd mij afhankelijk te maken aan mama omdat ik het een bepaalde manier wilde en ik haar daarvoor nodig had om dat te bereiken
ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegestaan te reageren met kwaadheid wanneer ze me niet onmiddellijk gaf wat ik wilde
ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegestaan te denken dat mama mij iets belangrijks ontzegde
ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegestaan en geaccepteerd me gefrustreerd te voelen omdat iets niet is verlopen zoals ik verwacht had
ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegestaan en geaccepteerd te denken dat ann iets van mij verwachtte en dat ik daar koste wat kost aan moest voldoen omdat ik haar positieve beoordeling nodig heb
ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegestaan te geloven dat alles moet verlopen volgens een bepaald plan
ikvergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegestaan en geaccepteerd te geloven dat het erg is als dingen niet volgens plan zouden verlopen
ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegestaan en geaccepteerd te denken dat bepaalde dingen belangrijker zijn dan andere
ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegestaan en geaccepteerd het belangrijk te vinden om naar sa te gaan omdat er bepaalde mensen wiens goedkeuring ik wil bij betrokken zijn
ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toesta en accepteer angst te hebben om iets 'mis te doen', waardoor ik mijn plannen moet veranderen
ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toesta en accepteer angst te hebben dat andrea bernard etc van de farm en ann mij zullen beoordelen als dom oninzichtvol, naief loom verward verstrooid angstig als ik mijn plannen zou veranderen of als er iets zou 'mislopen'
ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toesta en accepteer te denken dat andere mensen vanalles van mij verwachten
ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toesta vanalles van anderen te verwachten, vb dat zij het beter weten dan ik
ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toesta afhankelijk te zijn van anderen om bepaalde beslissingen te maken
ikv ergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toesta en accepteer angst te hebben om te falen als ik iets doe en dan maar het over te laten aan anderen, die het zogezegd beter kunnen
ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toesta en accepteer angst te hebben om iets te doen wat ik nog nooit eerder gedaan heb vanuit angst om te falen
ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegestaan en geaccepteerd een beeld te maken een verwachting te maken bij alles wat ik doe of van plan ben te doen en dan angst te hebben dat ik niet aan die verwachting zal kunnen voldoen
ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf niet toesta te beseffen dat ik onmogelijk kan weten hoe iets zal verlopen dat ik nog nooit gedaan heb, dus kan ik er onmogelijk een beeld van vormen
ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegestaan en geaccepteerd een verwachting te maken over mama, nl dat ze meteen zou betalen en mij gefrustreerd te voelen wanneer die verwachting niet vervuld werd
ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegestaan te geloven dat er iets in de toekomst belangrijker is dan hier in en als het moment
ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toesta te denken dat er iets is dat absoluut gedaan moet worden buiten dit process dat zich afspeelt in en als elk moment als ademhaling
ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toesta rekening te houden met de eventuele verwachtingen van anderen door te denken dat ik hen nodig heb
ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegestaan en geaccepteerd anderen belangrijker te vinden dan mezelf door te geloven dat ik heb nodig heb om te overleven
ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegestaan te geloven dat ik mijn mama nodig heb om iets voor mij te doen en dat het erg is dat ze dat niet heeft gedaan
ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegestaan mezelf te definieren a h v het reizen naar s a met ann
ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegestaan beelden en verwachtingen te vormen over het reizen met ann naar sa
ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegestaan te denken dat het noodzakelijk is voor mij als wie ik ben om te reizen met ann naar sa
ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegestaan mezelf af te scheiden van die gebeurtenis door te denken dat het belangrijk is voor mij
ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf niet toesta te beseffen dat er niets bestaat buiten dit moment er is dus geen belangrijke gebeurtenis, behalve ademhaling
niet voor mij en niet voor ann
ik hoef geen rekening te houden met anderen of met verwachtingen want ik besef dat ik die allen creer als beelden in mijn geest als afgescheiden van mezelf als wie ik mezelf heb toegestaan te worden
ik heb geen mensen of gebeurtenissen nodig
ikvergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toesta te willen vluchten van mezelf als wie ik ben hier door verwachingen te plaatsen in een gebeurtenis of mensen
ik ben een en gelijk aan alle gebeurtenissen en alle mensen als wie ik ben als ademhaling hier
ik ben een en gelijk aan ann ik heb haar niet nodig
zij is geen beoordeling of beeld of definitie, noch ben ik dat
ik ben een en gelijk aan mama, ik heb haar niet nodig
zij is geen beoordeling of beeld of definietie, noch ben ik dat
ik ben een en gelijk aan de reis naar s a ik heb het niet nodig
het is geen beeld beoordeling definietie of verwachting noch ben ik dat
ik ben hier en hier is al wat is als wie ik ben
ik ben geen angst
ik kan niet falen
ik ben geen gedrag of handeling of beoordeling
ik ben zelf beweging in en als het moment
als ademhaling
dat is belangrijk en niets anders want niets anders bestaat
verwachtingen zijn illusies
ik niet
ik ben hier

2008 enslaved by fear

i m having a head ach quite strongly and tension in my stomach.
i feel fear, i feel it on my sholders: fear of my mother, again.
fear of my employers tomorrow when i go to work: again.
enslaved am i, inferior towards humans that have appearant power over me. i am so docile and obedient. always used to be: in school aswell, petrified of stepping out of line, of doing something someone might not agree with. terrified of teachers, parents, employers becoming angry or frustrated with me. fear of the future 'what will become of me' if i were to lose their approval. i wouldnt be able to handle the anger, i wouldnt be able to 'defend' myself or to rescue myself.
i fear not being in control, that s also why i fear speaking up to my mom because i think i know the outcome: she has the last word and i m not really certain of what i m saying is even true because what my mother says is 'always true' and if i say it s not i undermine her authority, 'how dare i? dont i know that she lets me live here, i must show a little respect towards her..'
oh my big fears of just being myself, because i might just do something wrong, something she or my employers dont like. people that control me in providing me with money and house and food
i see not having a job as the worst thing possible. that would mean that i m insufficient and free loader, i dont want to work and live off other people s money and work. i didnt work for a while and felt really guilty, got a job as soon as possible to make me feel good about myself towards my mother: so that my mother sees me as a productive member of society.

i still feel pathetic, when i think about 'having' to stand up as me, and the possible consequences, because. if eel like i have to do it, when comparing myself to others, : having to fit in again.
so i m constantly thinking' oh god i have to stand up for myself as myself around here, cause if i dont, i ll be behind in process'.
i dont want to seem weak and stupid. so i pretend to stand up for as myself, to myself so i can feel like i do, but in fact i dont. in fact i m so much consumed with fear of failing in the eyes of others, so consumed with comparing myself with others that i can t possible know who i am let alone stand up for myself. i fail to take complete self responsability. only a little: just enough to be part of the concept 'process', failing to actually realise what this means: doing this absolute, alone , no comparing, breaking thru the fear no matter what because i am not fear, i am me here, no one else is going to do this for me. i had 'thought' to be able to do this in a gentle and friendly way, keeping the projected safety like mom job desteni etc, keeping my system...

not putting myself on the line, because i m so scared of that, everytime i m faced with a situation where standing up is required, i stay seated... and it gets more difficult every time. i m just too scared. i want to hold onto my ego and all the system shit while standing up: calculating the reactions, the possible reactions trying to make it safe for me in my mind to stand up.

and then i try to get it out of my system by doing self forgiveness, which obviously doesnt work anymore.
my
i am a coward
i let my mother command me, enslave me, i allow that, because i always think 'o it s not soo bad', why would i have to say anything to this, i m not really bothered.

fearing to speak and voice me. always looking at what others tell me like desteni, what do others do, what does bernard say, what do they do. and then i see that they stand up and i think i do it too but actually i dont.
i really dont

and sure i can have the insight and shit, but it doesnt matter if i dont place it into application. i think i dont know how, because i listen to fear. i listen to infeariority: in fear i or i die

i react in stead of stand up. and reaction is again desparate behaviour for trying to hold onto the system, by expecting a reaction back to which i can then againg react etc.

i react from anger, anger because i feel infearior. anger to cover up the inferiority with superiority 'i am right' ' i am right, you are wrong'
no: i am me
as all as one as equal
i dont 'have to ' react
i dont 'have to' stand up
i am and as me i stand up from the system that i ve allowed myself to become, no fear

the tension in my stomach just wont go away, after doing self forgiveness, i cant say why
i think i ts the idea that i am truly alone in this process

i really cling to groups, i seem to depend on them

i forgive myself fo rallowingmsyelf to define myself according to the 'desteni group'
i forgive myself for allowingmyself to want to be liked by the group, by a group
i forgiv emyself for allowingmsyelf to create a personality based on what the group will like and accept
i forgi vmeyself fo rallowingmyself to create a social network of humans that accept me so i can feel safe
i forgive myself for acceptingandallowing myself to want everyone to like me and have fun with me or appreciate me
i forgiv emyself for accepting and allowingmsyelf to fear just being me standing up as me because i might lose the approval of a person
i forgi vemyself for allowingmyself to want the people in the group the think i belong because i have a lively personality
i forgi ve myself for allowingmsyelf to believe that i am a group animal
i forgi vemyself for allowingmsyelf to be directed by what the group does and wants
i forgi vmeyself for allowingmsyelf to think i have to follow the group
i forgi vemyself for not allowingmsyelf to realise that life doesnt travel in packs
i am life and i am alone all one
there is no group
i forgi vemyself fo rallowingmyself to believe that i can only be myself if i am accepted by the group
i forgive myself for allowing myself to believe that if i have a conversation with someone in which they enjoy themselves, i am accepted because i feel good about myself
i forgive myself for allowingmsyelf to want to make people laugh with me so i can feel part of a group
i forgive myself for allowingmsyelf to separate humans from myself by thinking i need them to appreciate my presence
i forgive myself fo rallowingmsyelf to think it is only ok for me to be somewhere if my presence is wanted and appreciated
i forgive myself fo rallowingmsyelf to compare myself with what the other people in the group do and then try to do similar to be accepted
i forgive myself for allowingmyself fo rallowingmyself to define myself according to systematic behaviour within separation
i forgi vemyself for allowingmsyelf to define myself according to the need to be accepted by others
i forgi vmeyself for acceptingandallowingmsyelfto say things to fit in with the group
i forgi vemyself for allowingmsyelf to say things of which i think will be accepted
i forgi vmeyelf fo rallowingmsyelf to fear being just me here alone as all as one as equal
i forgi vmeyself fo ralloiwngmsyelf to pretend that i am better than who i really am
out of fear that i wont be liked
i forgi ve myself for allowingmsyelf to think that others are better than me and i have to meet their standards to be accepted
i forgive myself for allowingmyself to like certain people, that make me feel good about myself, better than other people , that make me feel bad about myself
i forgi vemyself for allowingmsyelf to fear people seeing that i only ask things to belong withthe group
i forgive myself fo rallowingmsyelf to want to be the same as the people in the group to create the group feeling
i forgive myself for allowingmsyelf to wantt o feel like i belong somewhere or with someone
i forgi ve myself fo rallowingmyself to limit myself as self expression by doing what i think others would like to see
i forgi vemyself for allowing myself to see that behaviour projected in others as separation of me as who i ve allowed myself to become
i forgi vemyself for allowingmsyelf to want the group to have fun with me so i can feel good about myself because i think others feel good about me
i forgi vemyself fora llowingmsyelf to think i have to pay attention to others so that i would get it back from them
i forgi meyself for allowingmsyelf to do everything from the starting point of wanting attention for it
i forgi vmyself fo rallowingmsyelf to feel bad when i dont get that attention
i forgi vmyself fo rallowingmsyelf to separate myself from the people in the group by only seeing what they see as a reaction or action, not as one and equal to what i do or say
i forgive myself fo rallowingmyself to think that what i say is more important because it defines who i am
i forgi vemyself fo rallowingmsyelf to think that what i do or say defines who i am

till here and no further:
i am not definabel
becasue i am one and equal to all beings
there is no group and i dont have to pay anyone attention
because attention does not exist
only in separation
which is not who i am
i am alone as all as one as equal
noone decides for me only me
as who i am as the directive principle of life as life within myself