maandag 12 mei 2008

2008 fear of failure

what controls my world as the mind consciousness system i ve allowed myself to become, is fear of failure.
this is within everything that i do, wheter it be big assignments, projects or little tasks or behaviours or doings.
first comes the idea of doing something, sometimes accompanied with the feeling of exitement of wanting to do this. then follows images, future projections of what the experience of this task or project or doing will be for me. these images are based on fear of failing.
-->what i want is to be perfect, to be flawless in everything and all that i do
problem: what is perfection? what is flawlessness?
-->perfection does not exist, not in and as the mind as who i ve allowed myself to become, so, noting i do will or can ever be perfect, i can never accomplish perfection; therefore all i do or will do or set out to do, will inevitably fail, due to the abscence of perfection as what i want to be and do, due to the simple fact that i cannot state for myself what perfection is.

why do i want to be perfect if i dont even know what perfection is?
-->because i dont find myself good enough, i must always be better
i suppose more like other humans, like the image of them i hold in my mind as who ive allowed myself to become

i cannot seem to be able to just follow my own actions, follow self movement, be self movement. because i might fail in doing/being so, it might not be perfect.
what am i trying to do?
i must always have a preconceived idea in my mind while during and before i do something, the idea of perfection, the idea of my doings, my sayings, my ideas, my beliefs, my choice of words, my way of speaking/writing that it is good enough.
appearantly good enough for others, i e the image of others i allow myself to create within and as my mind as means of separation as who i ve allowed myself to become.

within freedom, as me, within the moment as self expression, who knows what might happen, what i might write or say, that might not be perfect

-->so, perfection as what i want cannot be reached as and within the mind because it does not exist therefore within the judgement of my by me as the mind consciousness system i ve allowed myself to become, i will fail, always
i need this constant judgement and futureprojections to assure myself that what i do will not fail...because all i do will inevitably fail due to the inexistance of perfection there is nothing i can do, thus i will decide that what i had set out to do, i will not do.
and ironically i cant just let go of fear of failure or desire for perfection and be here as me as self expression in and as the moment, which is perfection, because i fear that the 'endresult' will lack perfection, will be of failure. even though i know damn well that perfection does not exist.

-->perfection to me is being judged by others the same way i judge them, but at the same time, failure is fearing others judging me the same way i judge them.
in this, i cannot do anything because nothing can. there is no way in and out of this.

as if i have an outcome, as if i am a result of actions, why live at all then, if all action is but means to an end that doesn t exist, that will never be good enough.

come pare
se pare
within me runs the constant comparing to humans within my world.because appearantly i am not good enough for them, for me. within comparing i try to be the same but at the same time i try to separate myself from them by wanting them to find me special, to notice me.
i seek their approval and at the same time want them to admire me and look at me same way i look at them.
-->this is impossible existance, existance ruling itself out, therefore this, which is the mind, cannot exist, is non existance. because it s constantly cancelling itself out, contradicting itself.

self expression cannot be compared, because it is one and equal to all things, though individual and unique
it is one and equal to all expressions, though still here as me, individually, as myself, as who i am, one and equal

i decide what is good enough, as myself but also as separation as the m c s .
i dont decide, as the m c s, i allow, onto me. not as me

from the m c s i ve allowed myself to become, i seem to never be good enough for myself, always one step behind
...of myself
thru comparison
to myself

but at the same time, i am perfect :)
at the same time i judge others according to what i think is 'cool' -->i try to use different word for this, but i only know this word to describe it 'cool'= special, remarquable, something that other humans around me will find 'cool', look up to, be jealous of, be envious of, look at in admiration

but see within wanting to be admired i m placing the beings above me because i give them the power to make or break me, to either agree, approve of me or to disagree, disapprove of me
-->within this, what i try to do, is want those beings to feel the same way about me as i do about them, i want them to feel less then me, but i still depend on them for my survival as the ego, as the perfection
for perfection to exist there must be imperfection
so i will, as the m c s i ve allowed myself to become, feel eternally imperfect

oh no i don t want that
i dont want to fail, but i don t want to fear failing and in that fear limit myself in my expressions
i just want to be who i am
one and equal
explore myself without limits
as life

Geen opmerkingen: