zondag 18 mei 2008

2008 living alone

what happened today?
or better yet, yesterday. my mom came home, there where sf writings of me lying there on the table , she read them.
in them i called her a dominant bitch, because i experienced her as that.

she got upset, now she s ignoring me, she s pissed. i noticed her behaviour and went up to her to 'fix' it because i don t want to feel ignored, i want to feel approved.

i say 'everything alright?', she says 'yeah why', i pause and go in my mind 'what should i say, so that i dont sound stupid to her..', then i say 'i dont really know why..'
she says 'well maybe i am'
'is it because i didn t do the dishes?'
'maybe that too..'
she says that it s not nice to read that your daughter calls you a dominant bitch
'behind your back' -->because i wrote it down instead of speaking to her about my feelings

i say i dont call her a dominant bitch, i t s just how i ve allowed myself to experience her because i always feel inferior

she thinks i m observing the family and separating myself from them by writing all the time about what i think and feel, but i never talk about it
i say, well you cant expect me to just do that, i ve never done that

yes you have she says
you used to be different.

i try to convince her that i am right in doing what i do: writing,...
but i know that i m only doing that because i fear losing her, the security i project in her and separate from myself

i m searching for an appartement, because i feel like she would want me to move out, and it s better for me too
because i am too dependant on her and everything and everyone around me
i m like a leach
i might die when i m alone

i m scared i can t do what is necessairy to be done, like practically.
i ve always depended on my parents to take care of all the practical stuff for me.
like filling in my taxes, paying bills, providing

i don t trust myself because if i am alone, i will not have any confirmation, from anyone
i will not be able to know if i am doing the right thing, according to the rules
maybe i ll screw up

-->fear of failing i guess

nothing or no one to compare me with

i used to always in everything, look at what someone else did so i can know what i should do, so that i will not be wrong

but in that,i also wanted to be noticed, but then in a good way

so: i look around me to see what is the right thing to do, and then with that i try to profile myself as outstanding in righteousness.

so now, i feel like a very bad person, like a freeloader, like egotistic. because i may take advantage of the cares of my parents, but only when i show them that i listen to them and show gratitude.

now, i m not showing any gratitude, because i do not speak or barely, i m almost constantly on the computer, writing. when i m not on the computer, im writing on paper. i m secluding myself from them.

and i can t convince her anymore that i am grateful because she already read what i think of her, to her i m already lost. i dont think she still sees me as her daughter.

i m still separating myself, i feel egotistic, only thinking of myself. afraid of losing my safety and security that allowes me to feel special, needing special cares.

i m afraid of saying i ll move out because she might agree with me on that and i still want her to take care of me, take me under her wings, not set me free.

because i do not trust freedom, i do not trust me as free
i do not trust me to make the right decisions in society, to take care of myself and not get me in a mess.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate safety and securety from myself by placing it in things and people around me, such as my mom, a house, an appartement, a job, money

i forgive myself for accepting and allowingmyself to feel like i am a bad person because i make my mother feel bad.

when i m around her i feel this incredible tension, and i m afraid to act or speak, do anything, because my mother is feeling like that. or maybe i m just thinking that. but it seems so real. like it s really her that feels sad.

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