2008 fear of mother

my mother comes home, with every step i hear her take i feel fear.
i sit in front of the computer and i expect her to possibly make a comment about that, i m getting ready for her to come in the door because i will feel forced to say hello, not self expression but because i feel like if i dont she ll think i am ungrateful

we start talking discussing.
and my writing comes up, she thinks it s useless for me to analyse everything that is said. she especially does not want me to write about what she does or says.

i assure her that i do not observe her, i observe me within what happens and what i say or do.
she still thinks it is useless and tell s me i should do that like an hour a day and for the rest of the time do something usefull (same reaction i got from my father)
-->i say i do what i want with my time. and then i compare her to my father and say that i am never taken seriously, but while saying that i realise oh shit, i m talking from insecurity, wanting their approval, wanting them to take me seriously so i wont have to stand for and as who i am
within what i say and do

and now, as i am writing, i feel like i m doing something wrong , because she just told me that she doesn t approve of it.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my mother
i forgive myself for accepting and allowingmyself to fear the dissaproval of my mother
i forgive myself for accepting and allowingmyself to feel helpless when my mother disapproves of what i do or does not see what i do as useful
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want my mother and my father to see that what i do is useful and good
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself according to the consent and approval of my parents over what i do
i forgive myself for accepting and allowingmyself to think i am helpless if they do not approve of me
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself according to the parent-child construct where the child is dependant on the parents support as approval of what the child does
in order for the child to survive in this world
i forgive myself for accepting and allowingmyself to think i am a bad person for doing something that my parents do not approve
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see my parents as the law of being, the law that i must obey or if i dont i cant be
i forgive myself for accepting and allowingmyself to think that i cannot live without my parents support
i forgive myself for accpting and allowing myself to think that my parents decide weither i survive or not
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing my parents, their approval over me, because then i might lose the security and safety that they provide
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think i must do things that my parents think are usefull
i forgive myself for accepting and allowingmyself to think that i must do what my parents do, because then they will see i am useful like them and productive
i forgive myself for not accepting and allowingmyself to realise that all that people do is because they dont know how to be
i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to trust me as who i am here and rather trust the fear that i allow myself to feel due to constructs of the system ive allowed myself to become
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be dependant on the systems of my parents and in that allowing myself to be a system
i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to recognise the self deciciveness and self caring and self confidence and self assurance that is me as life as one and equal to my parents
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel anger towards my mother because she doesnt see that what i do is very useful
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from my mother by feeling like i need her and therefore fearing losing her and therefore feeling angry when she does not approve of me because that might lead to her rejecting me
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear taking self responsability and separating my self responsability from me and projecting it into my mom in wanting and expecting her to take care of me
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think i am alone if i dont have my parents totake care of me
i forgivemyself for accepting and allowingmyself to fear being alone without my mother to take care of me or to approve of what i do
i am self nurturing as life as who i am
i am my own mother
i am one and equal to my mother
i am here
i forgive myself for accepting and allowingmyself to fear change like losing what i have now and having to take care of myself
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself according to my current situation therefore fearing losing it because i fear losing me as that defenition of me
i am not a defenition
i am freedom
freedom is self directiveness within and as breath as and within the moment as who i am