zondag 25 mei 2008

2008 judging self

what did i find out?
i know i judge myself, i think 'highly' of myself, within my mind i have an audience. certain people that i look up to, that i respect: my friends.
i imagine them looking at me while i do things and then i can feel good about what i m doing, i can feel approved. feel sexy or attractive or smart or pretty or insightful or playful or nice or great or what ever i want to feel like. when do i do that?
when i m already 'feeling' good, or i do something 'cool', well at the moment that i do it it is not cool, its just what i do as me and then immediately comes judgement.
immediately i imagine them having seen it and then comes feeling good about it about myself, as if i need that
which i dont
but i feel like i need that because if i dont have that i really dont feel that great of myself, i feel quite the opposite, i feel dumb, ugly, worthless, uninsightful, not good enough
so i would need that judgement of people who i deem as better than me to see me as equally good as them or even better than them so i may have the illusion for myself that i am better than i feel i am.
because i really feel like i am no one, i have no abilities, no capacities, i can do nothing without screwing up.
-->i think that because i have these expectancies of myself i make an image of myself, one that i cannot live up to and that is why i feel so worthless and less than others. because i compare and see that i am not like others and i feel like i must be like others to be ok, but i will can never be like them completely so i will never be good enough.
because i was am constantly comparing myself to others i am really denying my own qualities or talents well those things dont really exist i meen expression, my personal direction expression.
because with everything i question: is this good enough?
will they like me if i do this?
will i be liked?
will i be ok?
will i be accepted?
and sometimes i feel accepted
sometimes i look at what i ve done or said and i feel good about it because i imagine others judging it and me as others as separation of myself judge it as funny or insightful or cool or good or contributional or...
but that judgement can turn just as easily, then all of a sudden i look at the same thing and judge it as really stupid and dishonest and dumb and think: if they would see that they would see that it was all an act
and then i can feel so self pitiful
i can pity myself so much for just not knowing what to do who to be
self honestly
who am i anyways
my whole life has been a show for others to approve of and to see and judge
without my audience, i would not exist or so it felt
and now
who am i now?
as myself
everything i judge as not good enough
and so on occasions i still feel the need for imagening myself seen thru the eyes of those 'cool' people and i then judge myself as cool and can feel good about myself
for a moment

but ok
that is not me
and neither is the feeling of not being good enough....
but it is here
i ve allowed this all inside of me
and where did it come from?
i spontaniously think about my dad and about how he always compared me to others, my friends, his friends, other girls, children....
he does this still infact: he compares me and my brother to the kids of his new girlfriend
they always behave and do what they are told: why dont we? why do we always misbehave?
truly we seem to never be good enough
he used to have to be reminded by my mother to give us a compliment, and then he would do that : obviously forced
i wonder how this is for my brother
he seems to have conformed nicely i d say, but i can see that he has a 'group mind' and by that i meen that he has no personal oppinions that are in any way deviant to those of his friends....
as neither did i ....ever
but this is not about my brother, i actually dont know him, he doesnt exactly talk much about himself, as neither did i ...ever
i thought that to be weak: being open about your feelings, emotions, problems...
i remained closed
i think that because my dad was like that...
i think i copied a lot from my dad

i remember, well not really remember, but i saw these home videos , and i saw that i used to be quite an expressionative child, constantly singing dancing etc, quite lovely.
but then , i got closed and sealed up
no openness
no sexuality
i remember a moment where my dad made a remark about my develloping breasts in front of my brother and then i got so ashamed of my femininity, so maybe thats where that started.
because i was always quite masculin, like i hung or wanted to hang out with boys, while i was afraid of them, actually in love but i would not mention that i just want ed to belong with them be their friend. actual girls i found silly and stupid i could not see how boy s could like them at all

so i acte d like a boy to get their respect, perhaps because i thought that my dad would only give respect to a boy and not to a girl, which was what i was.
the first memory i have of feeling like it s cool to be like a boy is when i wore the same t shirt as a boy in my class. sort of the same.
although i dont think he liked that all that much....
i really liked that t shirt, really wore it out

with my friends we never talked openly about our emotions, sex was ieuw. but i remember having a sexual experience with my friends. though afterwards we bearly talked about it, and when it came up it was more like we never want to be confronted with that moment again.
ashamed because it was 'noughty' and wasnt supposed to be.

i remember feeling ashamed when i was really young somewhere in first or second year of pre-school
i think it was a dream but it was me not wearing any underwear while sitting on the floor in class in the group and i was wearing nothing but a sweater so i pulled it all the way over my legs and felt soooo ashamed. ...must have been a dream. i had other such dreams when i was really young that had to do with feeling ashamed and being in an awkward situation that had to do with being naked. also i remember a moment when i saw the underwear of one of my classmates while she was playing in the park. and i was like OMG and i laughed at her, i felt better than her because i could get others to laugh with me. and i thought of her as dirty and stupid.
other girls of my class who liked to touch one another because they liked the feeling on their skin, when i saw them doing that i laughed at them i thought that that kind of openness about feelings and emotions is not ok is ridiculous. is weak and stupid.
so i was not weak or stupid.

i guess i thought i had to be that way to survive in the group, because everybody seemed like perfect and cool and 'strong', so in no way was i gonna be alone so i changed myself in order to fit into the group. although i never felt like i belonged with the cool popular kids, i always felt less than them, but i felt like i had to be with them.
even though i had other friends, people i liked better, that i had fun with....
it was like something inside me whispered in my ear that i should drop those people and try to be cool and popular, try to be like the people that others look up to, that i look up to, to be looked up to and be approved of aswell. guess it s the same with boys, i looked up to them, thought they were cooler then girls, better, so i tried to act like them so that they would see me the same way...
just like something whispered in my ear that i should not like my mom even though she really loves me and seems to care more about me than my dad does.
nope, i thought she was stupid and dirty, because she was open about sexuality and she was nice to me.
my dad wasnt , not really actually, not that i can remember.
so i wanted to be with my dad, weird because at that point my parents were living apart and my dad had this girlfriend with her children living with him and she wasnt really nice to me either.
it was only afterwards that i realised that i really coulnt get along with this lady because she expected things of me i just couldnt live up to, i had to be perfect, and the first half year i managed that, but then she got upset with me once and i kind of didnt bother anymore to try for her: they still use that moment as 'where it went wrong'-->i seem to be pretty radical in those things, if a person says something bad or something i dont want to hear or offends me, i drop them like a stone and dont look back, no second considerations. pride got hurt: you re out!!

like when my friend said that she thought my mom looks like a witch because she has a big nose, i just got up and left.
i started to walk home.
i think they got me back because i wasn t allowed to walk home by myself i was too young for that.
but many times i remember just feeling insulted, then suddenly dropping everything turning my back and leaving.
like once my mom got mad at me for doing something rather onlogical and i had damaged one of her draperies in the process and she called me a dumb cow. i felt like that was so 'not done', so unrespectful, i immediately left and did not speak a word to her, she thought that was silly behaviour, but my pride was really solid like a rock, i then traveled across towns with my bike, went into every church and 'purified'. when i got home, my dad was there and my brother to pick up some things, i said what happened and they disagreed with me, said that it was silly behaviour of me.
i then afterwards started crying, because my pride had gotten so brutally damaged: i was saying ' i just wanted to do the right thing, but i seem to never be able to do the right thing' which basically ment 'i just want your approval, and when i dont get it i ll do everything to make you see that i am right and ok and when i still dont get it i feel worthless and my whole world falls apart and then i resort to trying to get you to take pity on me so that i eventually will get you to think i am ok and correct afterall'.
talk about selling your soul.
well, perhaps more like selling my integrety.
when i was really young i left home alot too, so that my parents would instead of being angry at me, take pity on me and feel guilty, so they would respect me for who i am.
all i wanted was their respect. and i never felt like i got that, ever. i truly always gave it all i got, desparate as i was, but i never felt like they saw me as a person that is equal to them and is to be respected for her opinion. always feeling like a dumb kid.

anyways: is that now it?
wanting respect from people?
but never seem to feel like i do get that....always feeling less....though doing everything i can to make them think i am actually better, remarquable, respectable, ok...

....changing myself completely just so that others might approve of me, the fake me, just for a feeling that s only there for a moment.
like take this post for example, i m just writing for me as me, but then i go and reread it, supposedly from other peoples perspective, other people who will read this, other people who are appearantly better than me and can elevate me thru their judgement of positivity...
and then the whole post becomes but a picture, an idea, a judgement, worthless inessence, something i DID and that i can define myself as.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowingmyself to define myself according to the judgement i place on the things that i do
i for giv emyself for accepting and allowingmyself to judge the things i do as good or bad
i forgive myself for accepting andallowingmyself to compare what i do to what others do and based on that comparison judge what i do as good or bad: the more it resembles what others do, the better the judgement will be
i forgive myself for accepting and allowingmyself to separate other people from myself by thinking i must be like them, by thinking they are better than me or they know what is best
i forgive myself for allowing myself to think i dont know what is best for me
i forgive myself for allowingmyself to not trust myself to do what is best for me as who i am as an individual expression as self expression as life, me as life
i forgive myself for allowingmyself to rely on others to know what to do or who to be
i forgive myself for allowingm yself to fear not doing the right thing if i dont compare myself to others
i forgive myself for allowigmyself to think that right and wrong exist
i forgive msyelf for allowingmsyelf to deny myself as life as who i am, deny my own expression by believing that i would not survive if i dont fit into a group
i forgive myself for allowingmyself to believe imust fit into a group must be accepted by a group and must therefore change who i am to conform
i forgive myself for having allowed myself to believe in conformety
i forgiv emyself for having allowedmyself to define myself according to conformety
i forgive myself for having allowed myself to believe that i need the approval of my parents and friends in order to survive in this world
i forgive myself for having allowed myself to buy into the bullshit that i need others in order to survive
i forgiv emyself for having allowed myself to not question the motives of others or question what i do but just follow others and do what they tell me out of fear of dying fear of being alone
i for give myself for having allowed myself to fear being alone
and not realising that i am alone, all one, this is me, here, in and as self direction in and as oneness and equality, i create
i am the creator and the created
i am breath, this is who i am

tillhere no further: i will not accept comparison as me anymore because i realise i am but comparing me to myself as the separation as what and who i ve allowed myself to become
separation is not me
i will not accept fear of death or lonelyness as me anymore because i realise that i cannot die and i am alone as life as all as one as equal here

ok, now the question is:
who am i?
what is my expression?
without judging myself, without comparing myself, without looking at others, without relying on others..
just me, here

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