2008 my own self expression as who i am here just me

every word i write or will write
appears in my mind first
and i know i will then get frustrated with that
because i can t seem to not do it
cant seem to let go
why not?

because i wont let go of 'must judge all that i do', must keep in account all that other humans will or might think about my words, so: i will judge my own words first, so that i am ready for their judgement.
now thats strange because i would never know other humans judgements, certainly not on this, this is a blog, i will most likely not get reactions.

i know that if i would get a reaction, i would definately reread my post thru the eyes of the person that has reacted.
as if that s possible, so i would use the imaginated eyes of the other person to look at myself 'from a positive angle' and than i would have a positive image of myself and i will feel positively about myself.

i always needed the judgement, positive judgement. i think all humans as systems do require this to an extent. but i think that with me it seems more vast.

i litterally seem to live off it. i would not need food if i would have positive judgement non stop.
hmmm no but ok
i cant seem to do something just for me, just for me
because: who am i?

what s so cool about me?
why would i want to be with me? i dont find myself as cool as i do others
i feel stupid and dumb and ugly and ignorant and irritating

but i pose as if i am not, i fake
i make it seem as though i am self realised 'to the outside world' which is me as separation of me as who i ve allowed myself to become.
i fake up to the point that i myself start to believe that i am cool and stuff
beLIEve
but i am not that, or at least i feel like i am the opposite
because
when i see people interact with each other in 'group', like on the desteni forum or on chat, i feel like i dont know what they are talking about, like i am too stupid and dumb to understand

then i clearly see how much i ve been deceiving myself by faking my expressions thru basing them on comparisons with other people: i behave and mimic behaviour of other humans that i judge as cool and smart and insightfull etc ( i only judge them that way because i can see that others react in a positive way towards these humans, so i adapt this judgement), i m not really aware of it either when i m doing it, only afer do i see oh shit i was faking it.
so in this mimiced behaviour i m 'living out' a picture, an image in my mind, and an image is a judgement tool it exists purely and only for judgement, to be judged by the mind so at that moment i am that image, that judge ment-->positive judgement that i give to the people i copied the behaviour from so then i can judge myself as positive and cool etc because i behave as them, that must then meen that i am like them, equally good.

then i can feel good about myself, thinking that if others would see me, they would compare me with the person i mimiced the behaviour from and they would see that i behave in the same manner and so they will think that i am as good as smart etc as the person i copied the behaviour from.

there is a boy in my life that i fell in love with, i started to copy his behaviour extensively. he was the thriving force behind all that i did and still do, all was for him. like: i would only be interested in the things of which i thought that he would find cool or would be interested in.

i saw love and coolness and intelligence etc (all the good things) in him and because i wanted to experience this aswell i acted like him, hoping to receive his approval so that he would see me as i see him and then i might feel like that-->because he judges me in that way....

but oooh boy if he would not see me or not be interested in me: i would not bare the thought i would try to fix it by just imagening him seeing me while i do things that i find cool (only because i think he would find it cool do i find things cool or interesting or worth giving attention to).
i imagine him seeing me watching me like an audience, judging me in everything i do. when i then do things that are 'cool', or of which i think are cool in his eyes, i would feel really good about myself. but when i do things i find ridiculous ( of which i think he would find ridiculous) i feel really stupid and quickly try to get rid of that audience in my mind lol

but of course it is only because of the audience that i try to impress that i can also feel stupid about doing certain things that will not entertain the audience (which is me in separation of me as who i ve allowed myself to become).
ok i must do this for me....
but how do i do that: i have expectations in my mind about how i must be or how i must seem (towards others), actually towards myself. i might not be satisfied or pleased about the end result of what i do, whatever it is. i might not like it .
i constantly feel like i must live up to those expectations, otherwise i am nothing or no one, or so i think. hmmm expectations?
well more like judgements, positive judgement about myself i must try to achieve within my mind with all that i do. all that i do must be very good, must amount to something, must please me...
must be worth giving attention to (for others then)
must be interesting, because if it is not, then what is it?
i define myself very much according to my 'accomplishments',: what i have to show for myself, the show i can sell, the act i present, the things i can show others

-->my dad recently complained to me about always writing and going online and appearantly doing nothing else, to him i was doing nothing of value, of worth
why?
because i had nothing to show for myself, i could not prove myself useful to others, i could not show him anything as a result of what i had done with my time which would have amounted to some kind of future making for myself.
useful would be working in the garden, going out with friends to build up my social network (yes that kind of stuff makes him pleased because those things are indications that i am a normal productive member of this society), going to see my grandparents, creating something tanguable, something that makes sence not just some crazy project...
anyways

so , me writing a blog: that would be one of my accomplishments, because it is somethings other humans can see and judge and define me as: yes, kim is a smart and insightful person because her blog is smart and insightful.
ofcourse again i am the only one judging me that way thru comparing to others and how i judge them.
smart, insightful<-->dumb, uninsightful, boring

so
ok
there are thing that i do that show me, thru judgement, that i am indeed quite smart and insightful(as per judgement definition as who i ve allowed myself to become, system)
ok so, i will then define me as this judgement over what i did, what i conceived, what i made, produced, for others to see and judge.
ok
then i defined me according to that very judgement that i placed over that one thing that i did, wrote, said, made,...
so i think i am that, i am that judgement 'smart etc, good person'
and then i can compare me as the definition with the definitions i place over others and find myself better than certain humans because my definition compares better with this ideal image (such as bernard on desteni forum) than the definition of certain others does.
-->so i now feel better than others and separate myself from them by thinking i ve accomplished something and can feel good about it, can feel like i belong with the cool people (popular kids lol)

where am i getting at with this?
ok

so my self expression
is scrambled and limited by trying to live up to expectations i place by comparing myself with other people and wanting the kind of attention from other humans that i give to them. wanting them to find me as smart and useful etc as i find them
why?
because i think that if others dont take me into the group and accept and approve of my expression, i cannot survive
i think i need other human(s) approval to feel good about myself, feel like i am useful, meaningful, like i contribute, like i belong, like i am safe

because i do not trust my own personal expression as who i am just here
because i think i need others and i fear that i will be alone in my own expression
this is duh, ofcourse i am alone all one as my self

the title of my blog really say all about who i ve allowedmyself to become
never certain of who i am or what i stand for always seeking approval
just wanting to fit in, belong to and with the group, the group of humans that i look up to, that i trust for their expression, instead of trusting my own. i trust them to tell me who i am by responding and reacting to what i do and say in certain ways. and ofcourse i need only the positive judgements for my system to be able to 'live', keep itself content.

when realising i am here alone with me, there is noone else, i really dont feel good about myself, all positive judgement disappears and i have to face me.
also when i touch myself, i like touching my skin, like the sensation, but when i then start focussing on my breath, being here. i see that a lot of feelings and emotions lie underneith the touch and it doesnt feel that innocent anymore.

i reread my text and then quickly realised i was using the positive judgement to make me feel good again, then it feels like i have to let go of something really important when i realise that this is me, just me, for me, here, as me, alone.

because o my, i am no judgement, but then my o my who am i really, what does it really meen to 'do something for me as me, here, alone' ?

so ok feeling useless and dumb and stupid and not finding my own expression good enough in comparing it to others', that is what i felt when i was on the desteni forum. i judge the interaction between the members as really lovely, really nice and beautifull expressions and i feel like i have no actual something that would match that expression in goodness to add.
so: i want to be noticed, like i notice others. i want to be found very good and etc in my expression.
but i really am the only one that is making grades in on the expressions of others so o course i may expect me to do the same unto me, duh.


i forgive myself for accepting and allowingmyself to think that i am no one if i cant contribute to the group, if i dont have interesting info to share, like the rest of the people do
i forgive myself for accepting and allowingmyself to want to feel part of a group to feel safe and to feel like i am doing ok because i am then receiving pats on the shoulder, approval, by thinking that i belong to and in a group
i forgiv emyself for accepting and allowingmyself to see being in a group as safety
i forgive myself for accepting and allowingmyself to want to be in a group because i think that they know vital information that i need to become myself or to know who i am
i forgive myself for acceptingand allowingmyself to place my trust in a group so i am also placing my self responsability out of my own hands
i forgive myself for accepting and allowingmyself to think that i do not really know what is best for me
i for give myself for accepting and allowingmyself to think i actually do not belong in a group because i am not good enough and the people will not find me good enough
i forgive myself for allowing myself to remember being a kid and wanting to belong to the popular groups but always in a way not feeling quite good enough, because i wanted it too much
i forgive myself for allowing myself to think i must 'belong' and not realise i cannot belong i just am as all as one as equal
so groups dont really exist, they are constructs based on insecurity of humans all projecting their safety onto something separate from them: the group
i forgive myself for accepting and allowingmyself to want the desteni private forum members to notice me as they notice for example ann and include me in their conversations and plans and ideas
i forgiv emyself for accepting and allowingmyself to feel 'left out' because a lot of times, reading posts i dont know what it is about while everyone seems to get the clue
i forgive myself for accepting and allowingmyself to feel stupid and dumb because i dont know what humans are talking about and they and a lot of others do
i forgivemyself for accepting and allwoingmyself to compare myself to others on the forum and often think 'i wouldn t be able to do that' and then conclude that i am less than them, i am too dumb for this group
i forgive myself for accepting and allowingmyself to think that i am to o dumb for desteni forum
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that my self expression must amount to something, must contribute to something, must help others, mus t meen something
i forgive myself for not allowingmyself to realise that i am the only one giving meaning to things
i forgiv emyself for accepting and allowingmyself to think that my self expression must look like that of others, other wise i might not be accepted or approved

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want other humans to think that i am better then them so that i may feel like i am a good person, that i mean something that i am meaningful
i forgive myself fo raccepting andallowing myself to want people to notice me, suddenly, to notice my behaviour and judge me according to my behaviour , like i do with them
i forgiv emyself for accepting and allowingmyself to judge and define other humans according to the way the act and speak as either better or less than me
i forgiv emyself for accepting and allowingmyself to believe i need some one or other humans separate from me to tell me or let me know that i am a good person by paying attention to me
i forgive myself for accepting andallowingmyself to let fear of not fitting in or not being accepted by other humans dictate me in what i do and how i experience myself
i forgiv emyself for accepting and allowingmyself to fear being alone with me because i have defined myself according to the positive judgement i seek from others and the nice feeling i experience when i feel like i have achieved this approval
i forgive myself for accepting and allowingmyself to define myself according to feelings thought s and emotions of pride over what ido
i forgiv emyself for acceptingand allowingmyself to separate others from myself by desiring their attention and approval
i forgiv emyself for accepting andallowingmyself to , in my expression, always refer to another persons expression, like in humour: referring to other things i saw like quoting things i saw from television, quotes that people would recognise and judge my humour as smart because they recognise the referral
i forgive myself for accepting and allowingmyself to not realise that all i do , i am really doing for me as me
i for give myself for not accepting andallowngmyself to realise that wanting others to notice me is really me not having noticed myself
i for give myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear noticing me, fear of what i might notice, that will not longer be covered up
i forgiv emyself for accepting andallowing myself to hide in fear, hide of myself in fear
i forgiv emyself for accepting and allowingmyself to define myself according to the fear of taking self responsability
i am not fear
i am self responsability
i am all as one as equal
i am breath
i am not judgement, because i do not exist in separation
i do not have to prove myself worthy
because i am the only one placing value in things and people
i am not the things that i do
i am one and equal to the words that i speak but not defined by it
i am not defined by anything i do or anything of this world therefore it really is impossible to judge or to exist in and as judgement
i am but breath
i am here
in and as my fysical human body
not just up there in my head inand as my mind consciousness system

till here and no further:
i take complete self responseability
because i realise that i am the creator of all that is
i have allowed all of creation as me to exist as is
though i realise that this is not who i truly am
there fore i STOP
i stop all judgement
for i realise that it is not who i am
nor is it others as one and equal to who i am
here