2008 not good enough

i want to write, but the things that come up in my mind are 'not good enough' because 'what s the point? ', ' it wont help me'-->i create an image of how i will feel when i have written it and that feeling is always negative, always not good enough, always based on disappointment, that what i wrote wasnt good enough.

i m like that with everything, that s why i feel extremely limited, just like my tree of life said. thank u hudge
http://ca.youtube.com/watch?v=kPU0Xzjn9H4

so i was sitting here, i am sitting here, thinking about stuff to do. not really consciously, well, yes, but i was not aware of it. i m projecting myself into the future constantly: what will i do next, what do i still need to do, what will tomorrow bring, and the day after, what can i still do, what am i possible to do.

-->by constantly thinking about the things i do, i limit what i do to what i have already done in the past. because i simply cant imagine myself doing anything else, because obviously, i dont have an experience of something new stored in my mind.
like that with everything.
even while writing here, not here, now: i think about what i will write out of fear of not writing the right things, i t has to be right. even though it s never actually been wrong. inspite of that i fear 'failing', whatever that meens.

or more like: if i let go and just be me, i dont know what will happen, i wont have control of the outcome of the experience, i feel like i must add up to a certain experience of me. like there is a parameter, something i must keep in mind for me to be. i do things then, i write from a mindset, forced, guiding my words thru my mind because: it has to be 'right', i must be in control.

but what does that meen?
what is right?
-->following a path i ve been down before, out of fear of change, fear of being faced with something completely new

wwow that accordeon music that s playing now accompanies me well, it sounds like the amelie poulin music

i have an image of myself in my mind, and thats what i m holding onto, my ego, and from that and for that : i write, and do stuff
my ego is consistent of habits and patterns, certain ways of doing things, sometimes i do something new, and thats cool, but it integrates and makes a part in the pattern or it forms a new one, like desteni: a new pattern in my life
another pattern is the friends that live in my proximity: we used to always visit one another in the evenings and in the weekends: i still in the evenings and in the weekends watch the time and think about when or if they ll show up, i still feel that habitual way i used to when that pattern was still going and rolling.
eating patterns: like what i eat, sometimes i eat something new but that just starts repeating itself over time, when i eat, the sugar, the chocolat
writing sometimes, watching videos
walking: always the same road, around my house in the neighbourhood: so that i stay within close proximity of what i know and what is familiar to me, out of fear of failure, yes fear of not liking the new road i take, fear of being disappointed, fear of thinking ' i shouldnt have done this, i wasted my time'

i m listening to the amelie poulin music now, i had expected the uptempo music and i got the kind of slow 'sad' music. it is not bad it is different from my expectations but i am still here
hmmm interesting
so hey: change does not kill me, the unexpected and uncontrolled did not kill me
i am still alive i am here
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UlvcdfuHdfo&feature=related

so habits and patterns of behaviour: eating, drinking, sleeping, waking, walking, working, talking, breathing, writing, reading, seeing, hearing

i like, i dislike

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think of what i will do in the next moment because i fear being in the moment not knowing what will happen, if i will like what i did, if others will like what i did
i forgive myself for accepting and allowingmyself to fear failing, to fear not liking the outcome of what i do
i forgi vemyself for accepting and allowingmyself to cage myself within thoughts of the future based on fears of the unknown
i forgiv emyself for accepting and allowingmyself to fear the unknown
i forgive myself for accepting andallowingmyself to believe that if i think about next moments and the future that i will be safe and in control of my world
i forgiv emyself for accepting and allowingmyself to want to be in control of my world and not realising that i am my world, i am self control, i cannot be in control of something if i am this something
i forgi ve myself for accepting and allowingmsyelf to emprison myself and make myself a slave to habits and patters and familiar behaviour to keep myself safe because of fear of the unknown because of fear of change because of fear of loss because of fear of failure
i forgiv emyself for accepting and allwoingmsyelf to think that i cannot live if i dont describe, prescribe and define myself and what i do and will do
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold onto things i know because i fear letting go because i fear losing myself
i forgiv emyself for accepting and allowingmyself to define myself by the things i know, the habits i ve allowed myself to create, the patterns i ve allowed myself to create, the routines i ve alowed myself to experience myself in
i forgive myself for accepting andallowingmyself to define myself by my past because of fear of change
i forgiv emyself for accepting and allowing myself to think that i must hold on to what i know, my past
i forgi veyself for accepting and allowingmyself to do things i ve already done before because i know what feelings they will create, i know they will keep me within feeling safe
i forgiv emyself for acceptin gand allowinmyself to separate myself from safety by projecting it onto certain behaviour and certain habbits and by thinking i must stick to doing those things to remain safe within my world
i forgiv emyself for not allowing myself to realise that in no way am i in control of my world, this perceived control by means of habbits and patterns in behaviour is an illusion
i forgiv emyself for not accepting and allowingmyself to realise myself as safety as life within myself and as self control as life within myself as who i am here
i forgive myself for accepting and allowingmyself to even consider the possibility that failure exists or that it is possible for me to fail

i forgi vemyself fo raccepting and allowinmyself to fear not knowing what to do next because i in that way do not know who i will be: i will not be in control of my self: ego
i forgive myself for accepting and allowingmyself to believe that it is possible for me to know who i will be as a defenition of gestures and manurisms and behaviour that is projectable into the future
i forgive myself for not allowing myself to realise that everything and all that is projectable into the future is an illusion, is a system, is not who i am, because i exist here, the future does not exist
i forgiv emyself for accepting and allowingmyself to fear taking responsability for and as who i am by being here as breath
i forgive myself for accepting and allowingmyself to copy fear of failure from my father
i forgiv emyself for accepting and allowing myself to deny myself as the directive priciple of my world as who i am here by trusting the system i ve allowed myself to become over me as life here
i forgiv emyself for accepting and allowingmyself to even consider the possibility that i can predict the future
i forgiv emyself for accepting and allowingmyself to fear losing myself thereby denying myself as here constant as all as one as equal
i forgiv emyself fo raccepting myself to hide and run from myself into projections of the future so that i do not have to face me here as who i ve allowed myself to become
i forgiv emyself for accepting and allwoingmyself to believe that it is possible for me to hide or run into a system, because i am always here, there is nowhere to run and nowhere to hide, i face me here
i forgiv emyself for accepting and allowing myself to trust an illusion as future projections rather than what is real, which is me here
i forgiv emyself for accepting and allowingmyself to create images and pictures in my mind before doing something
i forgiv emyself for accepting andallowing myself to believe that these images that i create in my mind of what ever it is that i could do are accurate, are real, are an actual representation of how it will be
i forgiv emyself for not accepting and allowingmyself to realise that i direct my world, not pictures in my mind that are based on fear of failing, i cannot fail as who i am here as self direction as stability
i forgi vmyself for not allowing myself to realise that it is impossible to predict next moments because i am the moment here, all else is systems is the system i ve allowed myself to become that is based on past experiences which creates future projections
i forgiv emyself for acceptin gand allowing myself to use my past experiences to make future projections without realising that the past is of the system that i have allowed within myself as thought feelings and emotions, but it is not who i truly am
i am here, thus i am also not the future projections because these are based on the past as thoughts feelings and emotions which is not who i am
i forgiv emyself for accepting and allowing myself to deliberately summon certain feelings by doing things that i used to do in my past that generated these feelings
i forgiv emyself for accepting and allowing myself to build my world around thoughts feelings and emotions of the past as memories and past experiences that i kept within my mind which forms a cage for me to experience myself in as utter limitation
i forgiv emyself for allowing myself to find the moment here not good enough, to always want 'distraction', to want action, to want feelings and thoughts and emotions and want to generate these by wanting to do certain things that i associate whit the certain feelings thoughts and emotions of exitement and action
i forgiv emyself for allowing myself to believe that 'good' feelings are better than me as breath
i forgi vemyself fo rallowing msyelf to want to be entertained as i have always allowed me to be entertained, influenced by doing certain things
i forgi vmyself for not allowing myself to realise that entertainment is an excuse a flight into the system to not have to face me here
i forgi vemyself fo r accepting and allwoinmgyself to be distracted by what my mind defines as entertaining
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear doing something 'wrong' by not considering the consequences as an image within my mind
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think it is scary not knowing what other humans reactions might or will be towards my behaviour
i forgiv emyself for acceptin g and allowing myself to limit my expression by fear of losing the approval of others
i forgiv meyself fornot allowing myself to realise that i cannot lose anything because i am one and equal to all of creation, loss is an illusion, so is fear, all that happens is my own creation so if i fear losing i will lose
i forgi vmeyself fo rnot allowing myself to realise that i am the only one who can approve or disapprove of me
i forgive myself fo rnot allowing myself to trust myself in and as the moment as self expressionas freedom
i forgi vmyself fo r allowing myself to fear saying or doing something as me within the moment as self honesty that others might not appreciate or approve
i forgiv emyself for allowingmyself to consider the possible reactions of others to my possible expression without realising that possible reactions or possible expressions do not exist because i AM self expression within and as the moment as all as one as equal, so both fear of reactions as the reaction itself is of systems and unreal, a lie, not life
i am here
i am not fear

till here not further:
i realise that i am one and equal to all of creation
i cannot lose myself within self honesty within the moment as who i am as life
i need no predetermening i realise that all predetermenings and defenitions and prospects or future predictions are based on past mind experiences and it is not who i am
the past does not exist
i am here
i am stability as life within myself
i am safety as life within myself
i am one and equal to everyone around me
i do not fear reactions
fear of reactions is fear of my own reactions