2008 promiscuity

i was walking.just taking a walk
i like that.
suddenly someone whistles.
i look back, there s a black guy standing by his house wanting me to go over
i do
he says hi i m guillaume
he invites me into his house
we watch some tv
some chit chat
his neighbours come over. they start talking about sex and they mention that i am a pretty girl, they keep reminding me of i am a woman yet they re constantly talking about sex, making jokes etc...
i sit there, appearantly not minding it, but i m constantly wondering in myself 'should i mind?'
i really dont know,
-->just be here as breath..
they tell me to losen up, drink some wine, i say i am loose enough for me and i need no wine
i keep wondering should i say something but what
i really dont know what to do or say out of self honesty
they look at me in a way that a man checks out a woman, i dont respond, i just sit there.

the neighbours leave and guillaume tells me he loves me and he wants me to be with him, give him a chance he will make me very happy
i try to explain why that can t happen for me, but i realise that he wont understand, he cant ofcourse
i keep trying to convince him of who i am but he gives counterarguments....
because i dont know how or what to do
i just am there i dont need anything of him and i try to convince him that he really doesnt either...
but ofcourse that doesnt work, convincing systems, i m just trying to convince myself
-->because i dont KNOW

he then touches me and holds my face and kisses me
then: i stand up and say, no!
before: i didn t know, i seemed to have no reason to say no
but now he was forcing me
then he pleaded me to stay
i said no and walked away

and afterwards i feel bad, a physical feeling of being faced with 'unpurety', like the 'sex' , the whole situation got into my body and i feel unpure

-->because i allow people to take advantage of my kindness and my just being ok with everything, my naitivity

i consider myself as weak towards men and let them do what ever to me because i dont know where to draw the line: what is self honesty and what isnt
only afterwards my body lets me know i ve allowed a lot within myself
i m afraid of showing them i can stand up for myself, show them who i am
or simply be who i am, because i might hurt their feelings
because i feel like i wont be able to handle it if they would get mad at me


i just was sitting there thinking 'this isn t so bad', i didnt really want to be there but i thought 'thats just my mind trying to avoid confrontation' so i stay and just let them talk

-->i should have said when they started to talk about seks and trying to get me to losen up
'i dont agree with this'... or something and leave
but i didnt because i keep questioning myself: 'would i be fooling myself by doing that, would it be dishonestly towards myself, hiding, running from the situation', because i m the one that makes a big deal about sex, or maybe not i m not even sure.
ofcourse i dont agree with them talking about it like that but i reason with me 'maybe i m just a prude'.

ok seems what it comes down to is big unsertainty of who i am, dependance on others finding me ok, a good person who does right things.
because i liked thinking that they see me as a good little girl. a pure person.

i see sex as unpure: like porn and touching en kissing etc

i never wanted to be touched, because it created feelings in me i didnt like, arousal
only time i liked those feelings was when being with the person i loved, then they were nice
when i was watching a movie with my parents when i was young and people started kissing, i looked away or went to my room
i didn t want people to see i had any reactions towards sex, i wanted them to see i was pure
but at the same time, when i was little, i stayed up late for the late night erotic movies and i had very 'vivid' and 'over the top' sexual fantasies
i never talked openly about sex or sexuality, about my femininity, because i got ashamed when i used words with a sexual connotation

i have male friends and when we re together they talk about sex in a very unrespectful way, like guys sometimes do when they re together, and i just sit there appearantly not minding it
but actually, self honestly, i dont like it when they do that
but: i always wanted to seem like i m ok with everything, so that they wont see me as a stupid girl who doesn t understand guy stuff
no , i wanted to be found all right by guys, treated as one of the guys. but i had no desire joining in the conversation about sex because 'i m not like that', 'i m not sexual' 'i m neutral'



i always get into these kind of situations: guys that are really nice just want a girl to be with and they see that girl in me and they want to marry me and have a serious relationship with me
but i dont want that and i have trouble getting that message accross because i dont want to come off as mean or i try to say self honestly how i see or experience things so that i dont personally offend them but i try to make them realise that i am not this girl they are looking for.

by doing that: i merely state that i am weak and they take advantage of that by then touching me or trying to kiss me because i guess they see i wont resist.
only then do i stand up and say: i dont want to be forced i m out of here

so: i suppress my own sexuality, by thinking i am strong and not influencable by those kind of emotions , i m under complete control of myself.
but by doing that, i only make myself hyperinfluencable because i dont really know my own feelings, so its hard for me to set limits or boundaries. i seem like i dont care, up to the point where i even believe i dont care, but under the layer of suppression the feelings stir even more due to the suppression. and without me being aware of it i get fysically influenced by it because the suppression has manifested so deeply into my body that it is now completely unconscious, on a mere fysical level, where i litteraly have no control over it.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress sex and every sexual feeling
i forgive myself for accepting and allowingmyself to think that feeling aroused is a bad thing
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think i am a bad person for feeling sexual arousal
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to associate sex with unpurety and porn and secrecy
i forgive myself for accepting and allowingmyself to fear feeling sexually aroused
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to avoid feeling aroused and avoid being confronted with pictures and images that could trigger that feeling inside me: people kissing, people having sex, pornography, sounds of people having sex or feeling aroused
i forgive myself for accepting and allowingmyself to fear sex and arousal taking control over me

i forgive myself for not accepting and allowingmyself to realise that that which i resist persists and by fearing being controled by arousal or by trying to avoid it i m allowing myself to give meaning to it and therefore influence me
i forgive myself for accepting and allowingmyself to not know my own limitations with regards to what i let people do around me with regards to sexuality
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think sex is a secretive matter and something that should not be openly discussed
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to avoid talking about seks or sexuality
i forgive myself for acceptinga nd allowing myself to avoid speaking words that have to do with sex or sexuality, such as vagina, penis, penetration, fucking, making love, nipples etc
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think and believe that sex and arousal makes me weak and i dont want to be seen as a weak person
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid of the openness of sex, because if i m open i will be vulnerable
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe i am protecting myself by not wanting to have anything to do with sex
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience myself as weak towards men
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that men have power over me because they can make me feel aroused
i forgive myself for accepting and allowingmyself to fear men
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to seperate myself from men by associating men with sex and the feeling of arousal
i forgive myself for accepting and allowingmyself to want men to find me strong, not a weak girl who responds to flirtation
i forgive myself for accepting and allowingmyself to think i am not good enough for sex
i forgiv emyself fo raccepting and allowingmyself to think i am not pure enough for sex
i forgive myself for accepting and allowingmyself to fear humans seeing me as unpure if they were to know i have sexual feelings and emotions
i forgive myself for accepting and allowingmyself for seeing people who have sexual feelings and emotions as unpure
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel weak towards men when they talk about sex because i dont want them to see any reaction towards it in me and thus by resisting a certain reaction within me i only make it stronger
i forgive myself for accepting and allowingmyself to define me as an asexual person or a neutral person
i forgive myself for accepting and allowingmyself for thinking that if i am open about my sexuality i will not be able to control myself
i forgive myself for accepting and allowingmyself to think i must control myself
i forgivemyself for accepting and allowing myself to fear humans seeing that i m not in control of myself and finding me ridiculous
i forgive myself for accepting and allowingmyself to find me not pretty or sexy enough for sex
i forgiv emyself for accepting and allowingmyself to fear being sexy
i forgive myself for accepting and allwoingmyself to think i am not feminine enough for sex
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being feminine
i forgive myself for accepting and allowingmyself to believe that men dominate woman in sex
i forgiv emyself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that woman are weaker than men and not wanting to be seen as a weak woman by men and therefore wanting to be one of the guys
i forgiv e myself for accepting and allowingmyself to want men to respect me
i forgive myself for accepting and allowingmyself to think that men dont repect woman because they talk about them in an offending way
i forgive myself for accepting andallowingmyself to feel offended by the way men talk about woman when theyre in a group
i forgive myself for accepting and allowingmyself for reacting with the feeling of arousal when men or woman talk about sex or use words that refer to sex
i forgive myself for accepting and allowingmyself to react with the feeling of arousal when i see porn or images of people having sex, people kissing, animals having sex, sounds of people having sex
i forgive myself for accepting and allowingmyself to think i have nothing to do with sex and to want people to believe i have nothing to do with sex so they will respect me for my purety
i forgive myself for accepting and allowingmyself to feel ashamed about my sexuality, my sexual feelings and thoughts
i forgive myself fo r accepting and allowing myself to define me according to the feeling of arousal and the fear of the feeling of arousal
i am not fear
i am not arousal
i do not fear sex
i am sexuality as life within myself
i am one and equal to all men and allwoman


i dont think this is over though i think there s an experience or multiple experiences in my childhood that triggerd it but i cant find it right now