2008 timeloop

this one s about my first timeloop i was aware of, after that all the others started becoming clear and i have time loops all around now.
so yesterday, i went to buy sigarettes in the bar down my street. i was standing a long time in front of the bar, was afraid to go in, fear cause i don t realy know these bar-people, i only sometimes go in for fags (which is a sort of habbit i created recently and started to define myself by) but now it was like: ok i wont go in for fags cause that would not be of honesty, but this time i ll go in to face my fear of going in. so i went in and there were only two guys there, nice guys 'see, nothing to be afraid of', they were watching a sockermatch. then another guy, totally drunk, comes in and im just standing there, he walks around me and watching me bottem to top, sits down and buys me a drink. he starts talking to me about , well , drunken talk. basically comes down to 'hey sexy lady, i like your flow, i wanna take you home and sex you all the way'.
he sometimes touched me like you know, i said 'sorry but i don t think i can give you what u want' and pushed his hand away. constantly i was trying to figure out what was the 'right thing to do', what is the honest thing to do. but i was actually too much on my mind with what the other people in the bar thought i should do.
eventually, i left with some kind of one liner to kind of show myself i m still in control of the situation.
after that i realised i ve been there before in that feeling, 'tight spot', this is a time loop.
i went in my room to write it out and this i found:

who am i in this moment?
who is kim?
power less
towards
the judgement
of men
every man
who has power over me
with his judgement over me
as a woman
they have power with their penis
their wand of power
i am powerless because they can pentrate me
they can enter me
i cant feel powerful because
i cant enter them
i can only be entered
vectime of my body
fysical dispower
opening that can be entered
like before
when i was little
jaques who held me on his knee
en held me at my female opening
power over me
come sit on my knee
is this right?
i guess
what would i know
i have no will
my will is other mans will
other man s will
i am willing towards men
cause they would know what they do
after all they have power over me
i can do nothing
how would i even know that what i do is right?
am i right at all
can i even listen to myself
how would i know i am right
what is right
am i right
right and wrong don t exist
what men say is right
when men look up to me or judge me as woman willing woman powerless woman than
i am right

i am human
humble to man

me as human
i am human
not definable by right or wrong
but
they don t know this
how can i be human when they still judge me and see me als woman
as long as they see me as woman and right 'i have to be right', i can t just be human
besides who am i as human
who am i
who am i
how can i have power
as me
i will be powerless
from the moment i show my power
than they wont judge me as woman anymore but as human
they will not see me anymore as lovely sweet and willing
and they won t judge me anymore as right
they won t look at me any more
i want to be looked at
i want to be wanted
wanted
by men
because they protect me
they know what is right
i must listen to them
trust them
they know what i should do who i should be
a woman
willing and sweet

i forgive myself for allowing myself to want protection from men
i forgive myself for allowing myself to think i must live up to the image that men have of me as woman
i forgive myself for allowing myself to judge myself according to 'woman, female, feminine'
i forgive myself for allowing myself to think a woman should be sweet willing and right
i forgive mself for allowing myself to think that if i am strong i will no longer be woman
i forgive myself for allowing myself to think that men will always have power over me as woman
i forgive myself for allowing myself to think i must respect a mans ego
i forgivemyself for allowing myself to feel inferior to the ego of a man
i forgive myself for allowing mysellf to feel vulnerable and penetrable towards a man
i forgive myself for allowing myself to think i must listen to the libido of a man
i forgive myself for allowing myself to think i mustn t hurt a man in his libido
i forgive myself for alllowing myself to always want to be found cute attractive by a man
i forgive myself for allowing myself to think that if men don t find my attractive i will be all alone without someone to take care of me
i forgive myself for allowing myself to think that if i don t have a man i will always feel unfulfilled
i forgive myself for allowing myself to think i must be fulfilled
i forgive myself for allowing myself to think that being found 'ugly' by a man is almost a mortal sin
than i would die
if men dont find me attractive , fuckable, i will die

i m no one
i might just as well finish it
.....

i forgive myself for allowing myself to think that smoking makes me stronger
i have my own personal penis to suck on

...

and the list does go on

so the time loop
from since i was little
was being in a 'sexual situation' where i actually didn t wanna be in but finding no way out caus e their seems to be no right way out
i ll be thinking like
'maybe this is n t so bad'...

whatever done witht hat shit