donderdag 22 september 2011

2011 being a silent participant - isolating self as ego

watch this video to have more perspective on what i ll be writing about: revenge of the ego

the key understanding here is that: when you find yourself 'extracting yourself' from the group that you are standing with, becoming a 'silent participant' by for example not speaking up and openly communicating, by doubting yourself in your expression towards the group and by not blogging or vlogging, by starting to isolate yourself in self judgement, then know that the ego is taking its 'revenge' on you.

the ego is making you believe that you are 'not worthy' of standing as life, together with all the other beings that stand as life, that you are not worthy of openly communicating and expressing yourself and that for some reason you are 'less than' and 'inferior' and there is 'something wrong with you'.

Watching the video 'the revenge of the ego' has opened my eyes to what i had allowed myself to do and what I was allowing to exist within myself, which is 'the revenge of the ego'. I noticed myself doubting myself in chats or in talking to people or addressing people, I started to feel as though i have 'nothing to write about' in my blogs and vlogs, i was doubting my expression.

This 'doubt' is in fact only ego, wherein i try to hide myself, within believing that i am 'not worthy' or that 'there is something wrong with me' because of something i have done which is based on my MEMORY of the things that i have done, that i use to judge myself HERE.
When there is hesitation, thoughts, doubt within expressing myself and when i do not spontaneously express myself in the moment, then I am in fact trying to hide the truth of myself because i believe that it is 'bad' and 'unworthy' and that 'others must not find that out about me', and within that i will not stand stable anymore, because i doubt, i use thoughts to 'twist' and 'change' the 'truth of myself', to make me more 'presentable'/'good' in the eyes of others, thus actually lying about myself.

so, within the Desteni group, as beings who walk together in standing as life, it is easy to, within this self judgement and blame, as a form of self punishment, go and extract yourself and isolate yourself completely from the group, this is where the ego has taken its revenge because you are now locked in a prison of self judgement, anger, hate, blame and regret, all alone, believing yourself to not be worthy of life, wherein you have created your own hell.

And because I as the ego that I've allowed myself to become will always use memory as things that i've done to judge myself as 'bad' and apparently 'not worthy of life', because yes, I as the ego that i ve become and lived as my entire life is truly not worthy of life. so, obviously, if i use my memory to define myself HERE then i will forever more be 'unworthy of life'.

I've already allowed the ego to take its revenge on me once within this process, by judging myself within something i did and actually believing myself to 'not be worthy of the group that stand as life' anymore, and then i completely isolated myself, locking myself up in this experience that i was creating and participating in as the ego. I ended up in a very abusive relationship, eventually being full of hatred and resentment towards my partner, completely forgotten the 'connection point' that it all started with, where everything was great and wonderful.

now everything was shit, because apparently i had become 'a better being' in the relationship, better than him, the relationship had become a power game, wherein i tried to take back my power that i thought he had taken from me, being in a constant fight and struggle, not ever experiencing that 'connection point' again. because the ego as the desire to feel powerful and important had fucked it all up.

So, this video assisted me a lot to be aware of myself going into doubt and realizing then that this is the ego wherein i try to hide myself because i judge something that i've done as 'unworthy' and where i don't want to be honest about myself completely because apparently there's something wrong with me because of what i have done.

to give a recent example: i allowed myself to be directed by the desire to watch pornography and my justification for that was a point i was doing self forgiveness on where i saw that my entire life i had been suppressing my 'true desire', which was sex and everything that has to do with sex. i found nothing more interesting and exiting than sex in this world but i allowed myself to suppress this desire, so now i saw this as my 'hearts desire' and so, being 'honest' is apparently 'following my true hearts desire', which is to watch pornography and to have sex. So that was what i did, actually believing myself to be self honest due to defining 'honesty' as 'following my hearts desire' as 'being honest about what i really want'.

not realizing that i was just fucking with myself because i was still just allowing myself to be directed and influenced by a desire, which is not self honesty, because i do not stand absolute, stable, within and as the certainty of who i am as SELF-DIRECTION.
so, when i realized what i had allowed myself to do and exist within myself, i immediately judged myself as 'bad' and felt ashamed about myself, i believed that i had 'dishonored myself as life' and am unworthy of standing as life. which is exactly how i felt when i had created the relationship, that caused me to completely isolate myself. i started experiencing doubt every time i wanted to write a blog or say something to the group or express myself.

so, i allowed my memory of what i had done to completely control me in the moment by being stuck in self judgement and shame, slowly but surely extracting and isolating myself from the group once again as the ego takes its revenge.

this i will allow no more, i will not allow myself to be deception and to try to hide myself or my past or anything of myself. whatever i have done, i will stand here within and as complete self honesty for all to see who i am so that no lies or deception exist. because this is what i stand as: the end of all lies and deception. i will be and am completely self honest within the words i speak and write here, not trying to cover up anything, any part of myself . i will not be and i am not the ego of self isolation as the prison of apparent 'unworthiness'. no matter what i have done, do, and will do, all will be and is exposed HERE as I AM HERE.

If you are ready to face yourself as the deception of the mind as the prison of you and write yourself to freedom, re birthing yourself as a new being that in fact takes responsibility for life and can start acting in a way that will support the establishment of a New system for a New World, then join Desteni I Process and investigate Equal Money.

desteni 'I' process
equal money

1 opmerking:

Marlen zei

Thanks for sharing this Kim and for standing up from this experience.