zaterdag 17 september 2011

2011 experiencing hate during childhood

i am at the moment 24 years old and looking back on my childhood, even my adolescent years, i don't seem to remember much about how i experienced myself, about my feelings and emotions.

like i suppressed all of it. i remember that it was not pleasant at all. i felt mostly fear of other people, even of my friends. and especially of my parents and grandparents. a fear that caused me to become just like them.
but hate was definitely there as well, and lots of it, and very very extensively so.
like an enormous hate towards my parents when they had punished me or forced me into doing something that i didn't want to do. for example when they made me sit at the dinner table and i could not leave until my plate was empty, until i had eaten everything. i was especially angry because they did not seem to see who i was, they didn't see me at all. they seemed to think that everything they were doing was in some way 'for my own good', but they treated me like i was a slave, like i was worth nothing. my words were meaningless to them unless i spoke what they wanted to hear.

the hate i experienced was especially in this context of not being heard or seen, and my parents just playing their power game over me, abusing their power, acting all righteous. and i was ignored, i did not really exist, i was but a slave, an inferior being, 'just a child'. i remember being so full of absolute hate that i would want to hurt myself because there was no other way that i could express that hate, i could not yell at my parents, i could not do anything, so i took it out on myself. i hated myself inside, i wallowed in absolute hate, that would just take over my entire being.

the hate was like an absolute anger within myself, i could feel it literally boiling inside of me.
i've never experienced such anger like when i was a kid, it s an anger because i felt stuck, trapped, no way to go, no way of actually expressing myself and my parents would often put me in situations where i was treated like a prisoner, not respected for what i had to say or what i wanted or didn't want, i only had to do as they told me and there was no way out of it.

and they didn't seem to notice or care what it was like for me, they didn't place themselves in my shoes.

as i grew up, i seemed to have pushed this anger and hate far away in myself by hiding it behind 'positivity' and 'friendliness' and 'kindness' and 'politeness' as what my parents told/taught me and which is also exactly what my parents did, so in this i became just like them, just a liar, hiding the true experience that is hell as pure anger/hate/spitefulness deep inside myself.

because i never took responsibility for this anger inside of me, i kept on blaming my parents inside of myself, which was my excuse and justification for the ego/lie that i had become. apparently now i had come to 'love my parents', looking back on my childhood full of rebellion and anger and hate, as if it was just the 'silliness of a child', thus looking down on myself as a kid, as if i am now 'better', a 'grown up'/adult.

but all i really did was 'insert' myself into the money system wherein i have to survive, i now have to work, earn money and participate in the system of adults. and the way i found and learned from my parents to easily get what i want from the system is to lie about myself, to put on a mask that is positive, good and right and friendly and polite, because then people will accept me and like me and then they will want to help me survive.

and i ve come to believe this lie that i m selling of myself, i ve come to believe that this is who i truly am, when actually there is this dark pit of hell that is all those shit experiences of anger, hate, fear that is still very much inside of me that even cause me to fear myself, to want to escape/run from myself.

so now that i am in the process of forgiving myself for who i have allowed myself to become as the mind, as the lie, i have to face that pit inside of me that i ve been covering up for so long. there is no running/hiding/escaping anymore.

i must realize me in all ways, otherwise i will never be free. i must set myself free and forgive myself in all ways, because i have created hell for myself, because i allowed anger and hate and fear to exist within myself, so therefore i must stop it. no one else will.

within applying self forgiveness, i have realized my responsibility towards all that i have ever experienced in myself. it was never my parents fault, because, just like they did not place themselves in my shoes, i did not place myself in theirs, i just reacted to them. i did not see that they were once children that grew up in an environment just like mine/me and that who/how they are expressing themselves towards me is a result of how they allowed themselves to be influenced by their parents. i did not realize that how they express themselves towards me, has got nothing to do with me personally, because it is THEIR expression, they see me as 'a child' and how they express themselves towards me as 'a child' in their world, only shows how they react to and judge the child within themselves, as a result of how their parents reacted to and judged them when they were children.

so me, i am nothing but a link in a chain, just another generation, so if i allow myself to react to my parents and blame them for my reactions/experiences, i will only end up just like them, just another result generation after generation of abuse, and from there i will only end up abusing my own children as what my parents did unto me and what their parents did unto them, and so forth.

If you are ready to face yourself as the deception of the mind and stop yourself as only a generation within a chain of generations generating abuse and write yourself to freedom, re birthing yourself as a new being that in fact takes responsibility for life and can start acting in a way that will support the establishment of a New system for a New World, then join Desteni I Process and investigate Equal Money.

desteni 'I' process
equal money

1 opmerking:

lmanuela zei

Cool Kim very well said, we cannot blame our parents for they know not, what they are doing, all of us know not what we are doing, so blame is no the way to go, self-forgiveness is the start where one erase the memories that are deeply hidden within us.