2009 love talk

can we deal with love?

we speak so much of love, but can we handle love? do we even know what love is? are we capable of loving? each other and ourselves.

for me, love has never really existed. i uttered the words 'i love you' a few times to my friends and family members, but i did not know what i was talking about. i might have 'loved' others, while i was abusive towards myself. i have definately never loved myself, in fact i hated my own guts.

i talked a lot about spirituality, enlightenment, beauty and life, as if i knew what i was talking about. i once had this experience during an LSD trip where i became 'one' with all of the energy, i became energy, which to me was 'love peace and understanding'. this triangle was all i could see. 'love peace and understanding' was all over the place, it was everywhere, i was so full of it that it started to sicken me. it was as though i had reached it, the top, the peek, this was it: the amalgamation with god, which is energy, which is absolute 'love, peace and understanding': the triangle. there was so much 'love' it was starting to bore me, too much 'loving energy'.

is love this energy? no
have i actually ever been able to love me? to look myself in the eyes, embrace myself? no
what does it meen to love another? it meens to be able to embrace this being, completely and i have never been able to do that. i wanted others to embrace me, i wanted them to love ME, but i would not dare to love them, to embrace them, because they might reject me, and i might get hurt, so i feared them instead. i push people away because they might do it to me, i fear what they might do to me, i fear the hurt i might be experiencing because of something that another does/says towards me. i'd rather have everyone adore and 'love' and worship me at a distance, that way i dont get hurt, i can just wallow in the thought that 'everybody loves me', 'i must be a rich being'.
what would true love be? in the first place, for love to be able to exist, i must be able to love myself, otherwise: if i do not accept love, than how can love exist?
love is definately not an experience that i can get from another, how could it be.

i could not get it from a drug (LSD), i cannot get it from sex. i am not even able to look another straigt in the eyes. i have these wild fantasies about the most amazing sex or about having a relationship, but if i cant even look another in the eyes, how could i ever share an intimacy with another, such as sex or a relationship. i suppose i am one of those people who turns the lights off when i m having sex, or who keeps it all under the sheets. i d keep the experience 'in the dark', where i know i m having sex but most of it is going on in the cinema in my mind, and i dont have to look the other being in the eyes, because i actually know i am abusing/using them, it is not love.

love is a self-experience, if there is 'another', there cannot be love

2009 fear and self direction

ok
it s been a while since i ve written on my blog. I dont have internet at home, that's the reason. i am now sitting in a building where you can use the internet for free. i was just listening to a cd on amazon and the lady who's in charge here came up to me and told me that 'we' have to work here in silence. i saw her come over and of course i knew that she would tell me that, because that's how things work in public places: according to rules, because i am actually the only one sitting at these computers. we think that this music is disturbing to 'the others' but we dont know. because we think it is disturbing to others, we ourselves become disturbed and aggrivated by it. it s like when a child is screaming and crying in a public place. the parents will become angry and annoyed at the child because they think that 'the other people' are feeling disturbed by the screaming of the child. i also feel annoyed by it only because i think that the parents are annoyed by it, i think 'please child stop screaming, because you're getting yourself in trouble'. actually what i see is a situation where i might have to stand up and speak, because i naturally assume that these parents will abuse their child, i assume this because of experience, and i fear speaking to people. often when a situation like this occurs, i will start feeling anxious and i start looking for a way out, so i dont have to be confronted, so i dont have to stand up.
i ve been feeling so locked up in my fear of people. when i hear the slightest sound of humans around me, i get tense and i litterally feel afraid, as if the sound itself could hurt me.
there' s not much to write, when i m writing on the internet i seem to not know what to write. i allow my thoughts to direct me too much, the whole time. thats why i never actually express myself, i never do anything, because i think the whole time. i am a 'thinker', a daydreamer, i spend my time in my fantasy, in my assumptions about what reality is, in my mind. i trust my mind so much to tell me what reality is, and of course my mind is all fears, so many fears about what could happen, about what reality could be, all those fears stop me the whole time, i cant DO anything, i feel uncapable of doing anything, i feel like a failure, as though i cant do anything. thats how i ve been feeling all my life: restricted and limited. always so afraid of 'other people'. and whenever this fear comes up, when there's people around, i immediately start distracting myself, looking for 'a way out' so i dont have to be confronted with all these absurd fears that exist within myself, with my own absurd inner reality. i put something in my mouth, a cookie or something, or i start looking at my hands or biting my nails or playing with my hair. to make it seem for myself that i've got important things to do, so i cannot speak to these humans, i cannot stand up, i cannot direct this situation now, i cannot express myself now, no, i have these more important thing to do, this cookie needs to be eaten now.

i am, this is what it comes down to, afraid of myself, afraid of my own expression, of my own words. and obviously that is very absurd. if i would stop distracting myself, i might just see how absurd my inner reality really is. afraid of the truth. this is what i have learned: to be afraid of the truth, to not express me, but to think twice before acting or speaking. to not flow, but to stop myself the whole time. to always apologise to people for everything i might have done or said wrong, to always think about rules that there might be and that i might have to follow, to consider what other people might be thinking or wanting.... otherwise i cannot live, i cannot exist in this reality.

what i have learned from my family is this: unless i lie, i cannot live. unless i suppress myself in every moment, i cannot exist. so i cannot be me if i want to live. i have to be someone else, better than who i actually am, i have to 'live up' to so many standards, otherwise i cannot exist in this reality: i will not be able to get a job, to earn money, to build up a life, to be successfull, to survive.
i have always been suppressing me, i never allowed myself to cry, to get angry, to get depressed or sad or aggrivated. it was as though i never even existed, all that i was was this fear, this huge fear within myself that i experience when i m around people. the fear of myself (as other people). i fear my own judgements towards myself that i project in other people.

when someone asks me a question, i dont answer as me, i give an answer that i believe i should be giving. i express myself as how i believe i should be expressing myself, i express what is 'normal', what answers to the apparent norm in this reality of what is 'good', the standard of life. i pretend to be a normal kid, teenager, adult. i try to be who i believe i m supposed to be, according to what my parents (especially my father) taught me. i am trying trying trying the whole time to be who i believe i need to be... normal... like the others.
but i always seem to fail at that.

i use my thoughts to coordinate my words and actions. my thoughts, which are 'the rules', that my family has taught me, as how i m supposed to see reality. especially concerning other people. for example 'dont do/say that, what will people think of you/us?!' 'think before you speak!!' 'dont do that, you're disturbing other people'.

people often tell me that i am so silent, shy. i always react with fear when they 'confront' me on that, it is what i ve always had to hear ever since i was little. i feel fear because i ve always actually believed that there is something very wrong with me because i do certain things apparently that i m not supposed to be doing or i m not doing what i m apparantly supposed to be doing. why am i not social? why dont i laugh a lot, like the others? why dont i talk loud and a lot like the others? why am i so silent?
i make up excuses when people adress me on these matters because i believe that i am actually doing something wrong, i never tell the truth, i never say it how it is, i never express myself. because no one ever told me i could, people have always told me that i have to be a certain way... not myself.

i am searching my expression here, there's lots that the mind comes up with 'i could do that', i could write this or that, but expression is not an effort, no thought, self expression is effortless, as easy as breath, it is not a trying. in this reality everything is trying, everyting is 'being better than who you actually are', 'trying to be better/ more than yourself' 'making something of yourself/life'. there is no must, there is no have to.

there is nothing.

2009 grace and gracefulness

grace gracefulness
self exploration in and as gracefulness
i am self exploration in and as grace and gratefulness
i am grateful for life as me as here i am gratefulness as i breathe in and i am gratefulness as i breathe out
i am grateful for every moment here
i am grateful for myself as creation i live and apply gratefulness within and as each moment of breath within the realisation that i am responsible for this creation as myself
i have for too long been greed and greedy and i have been blind from who i am as gratefulness, i ve been lost in a picture world, an illusion, desires, the mind, the system, that destroys and that is self destructive and that is self innihilating
i stand up as life as grace and gratefulness within the realisation that all is me
all is me and i honour me as all here, within and as each and every breath
i respect me as all of creation within and as breath
breath is who i am, not desires, not reactions, not thoughts, feelings and emotions, but breath, the in breath, and the out breath, the gentle flow of breath in each new moment.
from now until eternety i am grateful for who i am as this breath of life as who i really am, within this breath of life i stand as strenght, i stand as power, i stand as myself, as self support, as self presence, unwavering and stable and constant.
i am strength as gratefulness, i am great as gratefulness, i greet as gratefulness, i am fulfilled as gratefulness, i eat as gratefulness, i type as gratefulness, i breathe as gratefulness, i see as gratefulness, i walk as gratefulness, i stand as gratefulness, i move as gratefulness, i am the very expression of gratefulness, as the gratefulness of life that is here that is within all as me, here, i am the realisation of gratefulness.
i am the realisation that i am not an ingrateful systematic expression that consumes and disregards all life, that plows thru life and existence like a steamroller, like a machine, like industry, like greed, like desire.
within this realisation that i am alone and that i am responsible for all of existence as me i apply gratefulness, within each and every breath.
i am grateful because i am alive, because i live, here
i am grateful because i exist
i am grateful because i have this opportunity here to stand as all as one as equal and to realise myself as who i truly am as life
i am grateful because i realise myself as all as one as equals

GRATEFUL GRATEFULNESS
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to take the moment here for granted
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to not notice the little things within and as the moment
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to be so caught up within my own desires that i could not see what is right in front of me: life itself!
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to only care about the picture, about how i look, instead of who i am as the little things
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to want and desire to be great, to want my expression to be great
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to desire attention from others for my expression and within that limiting myself to only what i think would receive positive attention, thus keeping me blind to the true expression that is HERE , to my true potential, within and as gratefulness as what is here
i forgive myself for never having accepted and allowed myself to experience gratefulness
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to only experience greed, and to, within that, consume all that exist because of my greed, because of my desires
i forgive myself for having accepted andallowed myself to feel a constant feeling of being unsatisfied, unfulfilled, uncomplete, because i keep looking for something great and because i dont see the greatness of me within gratefulness of here
i forgiv emyself for having accepted and allowed myself to remain stuck within constructs and limited ego system expression when i could be so cool in expressing myself here unconditionally,
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to limit myself to thought, as the onedimensional and limited expression of the mind, which is the desire to be great but within that it is really insignificant, non existent even
forgiv emyself for having accepted and allowed myself to desire, then, as that thought, to receive recognition, so i can at least feel great, and not have to realise my insignificant truth
i forgive myself for not allowing myself to see my expression within eternity, within the truth of me which is eternity, instead of trying to reach a short feeling, which i then call expression, or life, but which is actually a pathetic excuse for an expression

2009drawing fun and pencils

2009 the past

the past

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to rehash the past
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to remain stuck in the past
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty about who i have allowed myself to become and things i did towards other people in the past
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think i have to forever more feel guilty about 'stupid' things i did in the past
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to keep living in guilt about things i did towards others in the past
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to punish myself by remembering the past to keep showing myself what a stupid and worthless being i am
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to keep bringing past memories back to the present moment, some that make me feel ashamed and others that make me feel good about myself, and stay then in this constant cycle of the past, constantly litterally reliving the past as reactions as thoughts feelings and emotions
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that i dont deserve to be absolutely HERE, as the birth of life within and as each moment HERE, but that i have to keep feeling guilty about the past, that i have to keep on remembering what an awfull being i have been
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think and believe that other people expect me to feel guilty
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame my experiences in my life on others and therefore expect them to blame me also
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to want others to feel bad about what they supposedly did to me, and therefore believe that i also have to feel bad about what i supposedly did to others
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as regret about the past
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not take responsability for the past by judging it
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing msyelf to judge my expressions in the past and to judge people that i ve met in the past
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to keep thinking about people from the past
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear change
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing msyelf to see the past as safety
i forgive myself for accepting and allowng msyelf to see the mind as my safe haven, my safe place
where i shut myself off from all my surroundings by living in my private little world based on past moments that i keep rehashing
i forgive myself for acceptin and allowing myself to define myself according to the past
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think i have to pay for all the stupidity from my past, by reminding myself of that stupidity as memories
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that others want me to pay that others are judging and condemning me
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to want others to like me and to think that i depend on the approval of others, and that i cant be myself unless others say it is ok, because i feel so guilty about what i had done in the past that i think i cant grant myself to opportunity to be HERE, absolute and free within every new moment of breath
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that i have to be granted freedom, that others have to release me from the prison of the mind by telling me it is ok

ikkeikekek

2009 biggest desire

my biggest desire: relationship with a man

it s been consuming me my entire life, completely. when i was around a friend of mine, who i felt attracted to, i would tense up completely and enirely suppress my expression. i would just be this tense stress ball of anxiety and exitement.

it was actually a horrible experience, but at the same time i loved it and i was addicted to it. jeezes, that s love....

so, now, there s this guy who lives across the hall from my studio and now his music is playing and i m feeling tense again, i even feel like going over there and saying to 'shut off the goddamn music' because hearing the music reminds me of 'there is a guy living there', reminds me of that separation i ve allowed within myself.

but ofcourse i would never ever go over there and say something like that because i am so afraid of rejection by men.

i forgive myself for allowing myself to exist within and as separation between me as defined woman an men as defined men/masculine
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to be addicted to the seeming separation between men and women based on picture presentation
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to fear men and to push men away from me because i so desire relationships and that is only possible when there is resistance as separation
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to resist masculinity within myself
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to resist the mind consciousness system within myself as structure as masculine
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to define a man s appearance as strength, wise, superior, attractive, handsome
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to express myself entirely based on trying to attract men
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to limit my expression because i used my expression to try to attract men
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to fear my own expression because i wanted and desired a man's recognition and attention and so i feared 'failing', i feared being rejected by men
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to doubt my expression because i trusted men because i judged them as superior
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to believe a mans expression to be superior to mine
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to desire a mans attention because i believed that i can only be worthy of living when a man recognises and notices that i exist
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to believe that if a man were to reject me, i am not worthy of life and i am a worthless person
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to desire a man to support me and direct me and notice me
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to feel completely tense and exited when my eyes spot the picture of a man/youngman in my reality because i desire to be noticed by that man, i desire to be noticed as a 'unique woman'
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to desire sex with the picture presentation of a man/youngman, that resembles my father: slender, muscled body, handsome face
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to define myself as 'not good enough' 'not pretty enough' for men and then believe myself to be the manifestation of 'not good enough'
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to define myself as dumb, stupid, inferior, weak
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that i have nothing to say of value to a man, that what i have to say is less than what a man says or does
i forgive myselff or having accepted and allowed myself to look up to my dad and believe my expression to be less than his
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to carry on this relationship with all other men in my reality, for ever feeling inferior and less than men
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to suppress myself entirely when there is a man/youngman around, especially when he resembles my father, because i desire to be noticed and recognised by this man/youngman, because i believe that i am only worthy when a man approves of my existence
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to define the appearance of a man as superior
than a woman's appearance
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to judge a vagina as inferior to a penis
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to desire my vagina being penetrated by a penis of a man as i see that as the ultimate recognition that i can get: the apparant amalgamation with masculinity as that which i have suppressed within myself
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to desire staying in this self defined weakness and desire for relationship with a man as defined strength
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to desire approval for my expression from men
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to have a tense expression, and controlled expression that does not flow because i try to 'be good' 'good enough' for men
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to try to prove that i am good enough, as good as men
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to actually believe that i cannot stand alone within this reality, that i require a man to support me
i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to trust myself as self expression as breath as the moment because i ve allowed myself to believe that men have power over me and that they must approve of my expression for it to be ok and 'good enough'
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to supress masculinity within myself and then judge my expression supposedly thru the eyes of men in my reality, when in fact it is me judging myself, thru the eyes of the mind as the masculinity i ve separated from myself
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to feel alone and weak when i feel and think that i have no man in my world that stands by me, that notices me
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to live as a word that i defined myself to : weakness, lostness, inferiority, powerless
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to project all of my power on the picture presentation of men and then believe that they have power over me just by their presence in my reality and that that is the way it is
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to fear men
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from anton by desiring his body, as how i see it with my human physical eyes as apparantly separate from my body
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to the energetic friction that i experience when i see the apparant separation between a mans and a womans body as picture presentations
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to desire amalgamating with the picture presentation of a man and not realising that it is impossible, even thru sex, it is impossible
i forgiv emyself for not having accepted and allowed myself to take responsability for my reactions when i see a man s picture presentation within the realisation that it is me creating the reactions and the definitions, it is me creating the experience of myself within my reality
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to expect a man to support and notice me
i forgive myself for not allowing myself to just accept a man as who he is as an expression of life as one and equal with me here
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to desire being adored by a man
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to see myself as inferior because i define the feminine expression as inferior to the masculine expression
i forgive myself for allowing myself to push men away and to resist men because i simply do not want to realise that in fact i am one and equal to all picture presentations as what i see with my human physical eyes
i forgive myself ffor having allowed myself to give meaning to the picture presentation of men in my world because i wanted to use it to satisfy my desires, i wanted to use the definitions i myself had created over this picture, so i wanted to use this being to fulfill a role within my self created illusion as the mind so i could exist as a mind consciousness system as desires
within and as separation


till here and no further:
i exist within and as aloneness
i trust myself within and as aloneness
i accept myself within and as aloneness
i stop looking and searching for a partner, for a relationship with a man
i am masculinity and femininity amalgamated as one as life within myself
i am self love
i am self acceptance
i am the moment
i am unconditional self expression
i am unwaveringly stable, i am stability, i am constant as breath
i am not desire
i am not polarity frictions
i am truly stable and constant
within and as every and each moment of breath
i am HERE

i am self direction within the absolute constantness of HERE of breath
i am assertiveness within and as self movement within and as stability and constantness of breath
i realise that all is me, so i move me HERE and i direct me HERE
i accept myself as the singularity, as the one that is the all as HERE
i respect myself as the one as oneness and equality
i respect my body as myself within and as oneness and equality
i realise that my body is the universe
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to always disregard my body, by misusing/abusing it, because i only judged how it looked on the outside, and in doing so, i disregarde life as who i am, as my beingness which cannot be seen nor judged
i accept myself as the being that i am, as beingness, not as judgements, not as picture presentation that exist within separation
i do not allow or accept any separation based on judgements within myself anymore
i realise that i am the centre of my world, and i am responsible for the experience of myself within and as my world as i am self responsibility as life
i am not a system that is the manifestation of the giving away of responsability by existing within separation of myself
i am sound, i am whole, i am complete as who i am HERE, i am absolute
and i move myself within the absoluteness and directness and assertiveness and specificity of life as life within myself
i do not allow myself to doubt myself
i do not allow myself to doubt oneness and equality
i accept myself as oneness and equality as life as breath as simplicity
i realise that the system does not exist, rules and fear and future does not exist
i exist and i am HERE in and as the moment as self honesty as who i really am as all as one as equal HERE and i direct myself HERE within and as the specificity of life as the life within myself
i am specificity, as the specific nature of self movement, i move myself to do what is best for all as one as equal, to do what is necessairy to be done to practically stand within and as this world as all as one as equal from here unto infinity
i am infinity within and as each breath

2009 fitting in

it is almost unbelievable for me that i dont have to 'fit in' that i dont have to belong to any group, that my expression does not have to look like the expression of others.

i ve for so long, since childhood, desperately been attempting to fit in, to be like the others, i ve felt really alone, left out, i felt like i did not belong, like i was 'wrong'. i really believed that that is the way it is supposed to be, i HAVE to look like others, i HAVE to be like others.i never considered self expression, who i am, my actual beingness. the actuality of being and existing HERE, which is so simply HERE.

it seems deeply ingrained, the feeling of being inferior to others, and having to fit in. i copied that from my father and grandfather, the desire to be normal and have lots of friends and be accepted by others. the beliefsystem of being a system, of being something that HAS to look like other beings, other humans. and the fear of not looking like the rest, the big fear of not expressing myself like the rest.

so, i have always only ever compared myself to others, that s all i ever did, because i so feared being 'abnormal', 'not fitting in'. when i walk thru town, with all the people there, i m constantly trying to see what their opinion of me is, do they find me normal or abnormal. and i have a lot of times felt really alone and rejected and left out because of my own ideas and definitions about myself as supposedly weird and not normal.

which, i suppose, i created, because i wanted to be unique on the other end. yet at the same time i wanted to be the same as every one else. how impossible my existence was.

i really like the smell of my sweaty armpits. i wonder why? or like the sweat between my but cheeks, lol, it s not civilized to speak about this, but it is the truth.

i suppose because it is the actual real nature of sexuality, it is the smell of my desire for relationships. it is the basis of my being, the thing i am obsessed with: sex and relationships. because sex is actually just sweat and organs/limbs brushing against each other. that is what sex really is, all the rest, like desire, and romance and love, that is bullshit, or sex as building up towards something, how absurd.
i thought that this proces was also me building up towards something, but it was the other way around, i just had to drop the shit. i could have done that from the very beginning as it is so easy and simplistic. it is just stopping everything, stopping every feeling of 'i have to' or 'i must', dropping every fear and with that every desire, dropping the entire 'human nature', all of the supposed 'rules'.
i guess that everything in this world has become like sex: the attempt to built 'up' towards something, which is called 'evolution'.the attempt to reach something somewhere in the future, in the nearby or distant future. the search for a feeling, an experience, like an orgasm.

within my expression i always feel like there are things i must do, like 'i have to write this or that', i have to do it this way or that way, i have to eat a cookie now, i have to go to the cinema in two hours with my mother, because it was planned and now i am thinking about it, so it has become a desire, a 'have to'. and not just a self expression, self expression is basically has nothing to do with what i am doing or how it looks or how it could be described, like: 'i am now typing a text on blogger and i am going to publish it, i know others can read it and i am typing about what i experience in my process and maybe others can relate to it'. that is a description of what i am doing and is not real, what is real is me breathing, hitting the keys of the keyboard with my fingers. that is the only thing that is really real, pretty simplistic, yet, but it is so. and that is what self expression is, that is who i am, that is the only thing that is not defineable, that is not opinion-based, that can not be argued with or discussed, because it simply IS.

and from the moment that i try to form an opinion or definition or description of what i just did, of my expression in the previous moment, i am lost again within my desire of trying to create something of myself that is not real, a ghost, an illustion.

so, all i can trust, is my body, my breath, my presence as HERE, that is all. i can try to write this text for others to understand, but that is an idea of mine, i have actually no idea if what i write is understandable at all. i might be blabbering crazy talk, as i am in my mind, i would not be able to actually know if i am sane or insane, i try to compare myself to others in an attempt to determine wether i am sane or insane or normal or abnormal. but, really, the only way of actually knowing for certain that i am not 'insane', that i am not lost in an illusionairy world, is if i am completely HERE, within and as my human physical body, constant, breathing, aware of every moment of breath, aware of the sensations of my body that is me HERE. all the rest, what i am typing, it is not real because i cannot tell for certain that my words are infact 'sane' or 'insane'. so, that does not matter.

so, that is not self expression, the words i write and how they can be read, it is the very act of typing, or the very act of speaking, or the very act of reading, that is self expression.

and in that, no one being can be special, how can you be jealous of a beingness, jealousy is when you only focus on what the result of a beings expression was, as something you can see with your human physical eyes. which is actually your own opinions and judgemenst that you place on this that you see with your own eyes.
yet you dont consider the beingness, and that would imply that you dont consider your own beingness, that your own expression is also only to make other beings jealous, to show off.

that is why animals are so underestimated, because we dont see them building up empires, we dont see them building shit up, like we do, we dont actually see animals do anything at all. so to us, they are like 'dead' inside, because we only focus on the outside. we, humans, have become the 'outside' and disregard what is real, which is the inside, which cannot be seen. a being to us is alive, when we SEE it doing shit. when it produces something. that s why only adults are respected in this world, because they produce, they have become outside presentations, they ve become fully outside. children are still inside, they are no use to the 'outsiders'.

2009 animals self forgiveness

animals
self forgiveness on animals

i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to see animals as less than me
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to feel superior than animals
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to want to abuse the supposed power i have over animals because i can, because these beings let me
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to want to use and abuse beings that i perceive as weak because i have allowed myself to be abused by others because i have defined myself as weak, so i try to compensate
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to try to compensate the feeling of powerlessness, of worthlessness, of feeling abused, by desiring to abuse animals, that i have judged as powerless, less, inferior, dumb
i forgive myself for having accepted myself to become the manifestation of self abuse by wanting others to abuse and use me
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to think that beings who do not resemble me, are inferior
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to have the desire within me to abuse those that i see as inferior so i may feel powerful, because actually i ve given away my power to the mind consciousness system
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to exist within the illusion of power, seeing power as having power over another being, as a feeling, instead of realising myself as power as life as who i am HERE
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to abuse animals within sexual fantasies where i play out my desire to be abused and used by other beings due to me abusing myself by giving my power away to the mcs and where i project my feeling and belief of powerlessness onto those animals that i or others within these fantasies then abuse to generate exitement within myself to power and charge the mcs within myself that is based on the polarity of superiority and inferiority and the giving away of my power
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to completely disregard all that is of life due to me having become 'not life', a system, an illusion, and then go abuse and use life because i actually cannot stand to see vulnerable and innocent expression as what i have abused within myself: the truth of me
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to see my reality within and as inferior-superior polarity as who i have allowed myself to become: feeling inferior towards myself as my reality in separation of my reality
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to suppress my expression, the innocence and vulnerability that is of life that is who i truly am as life within myself and therefore, not recognise it within my reality anymore, as all that has become of me is system
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to turn a blind eye when i see animals being abused because i have more respect for humans as systems than for animals as life
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to abuse animals when i was a child, to put salt over a naked snail, to burn ants with a magnifying glass, because i thought it was 'cool', because i did not see animals as myself as i had suppressed myself as life due to me having given my power away to the system as thoughts feelings and emotions as ego
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to only consider me, i, as thoughts feelings and emotions, to only consider having a good feeling for myself, to feel good about myself and disregard anything or anyone else
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed fear of surviving within myself, as an ego manifestation as self interest
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not want to actually face and see just to how extent i disregarded myself as life by having allowed myself to become a mind consciousness system
so i try to remain within thoughts feelings and emotions because i am afraid of facing myself, my true nature
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to want to play god over animals and small children because they will allow it
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to feel inferior and powerless and then want and desire to play god over other beings and desire them to feel inferior
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to not take self responsability, to not take responsability for all as one as equal as myself as life as who i really am, because i want to survive as an ego, as a mind consciousness system
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to desire love and acceptance from an animal
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to feel 'more connected' with animals than with humans
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to hug and cuddle animals from the starting point of desiring love from another being and then use animals for that because they let themselves be treated that way as they are the simple innocent expression of life itself
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to desire a 'special bond' with an animal, a 'special friendship' because i am not willing to be unconditionally my friend, to be alone with me
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to not see all animals as all beings as my equals
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to desire being able to communicate with animals so i could get recognition from humans, as humans as systems have completely separated and alienated themselves from life, seeing this communicating with animals as some kind of marvel when actually it is their simplistic nature that they re not willing to accept
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to desire animals to listen to me
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to want to have power over animals, to want an animal that listens to my commands
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to want to boss a being around because i feel bossed around and i feel powerless towards other beings as i ve given away my power
in becoming a mind consciousness system
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from animals-'i name all's'-because i ve defined myself as 'human', which is apparently different from a being
i forgiv emyself for having allowed myself to define myself according to the way i look, which is human, and therefore think that i belong to the human species and am separate from all that does not resemble me in appearance and doings, 'capabilities'
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to see my thoughts as superior to life
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to see myself as superior to children
when actually within i know that i am not and that actually i ve degenerated because i allowed myself to become a mere system
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to become a system that cannot stand on its own and uses and abuses all beings around to survive
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to desire recognition for my thoughts from other beings
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to not realise that animals are actually far more evolved than i am because they take care of themselves, they are direct, they do not doubt, they are the living expression of only themselves as life within and as each moment
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel inferior towards animals
because i feel so much shame and regret and guilt for the way i treated them
i forgive myself for not just accepting and allowing myself to simply be HERE as one and equal to all beings and forever more stop the continuous cycle of regret, of inferiority vs superiority of system
i forgive myself for never having accepted and allowed myself to realise that animals are, like me, beings, they are not just pictures, different from my picture as my appearance
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to see human beings as 'more alive' than anymals
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to only see it that way because human beings support me in being a mind consciousness system that i ve allowed myself to become and animals dont, animals dont expect anything of me, they are just themselves, while humans expect things of me, they form opinions of me, they critisize me, which is exactly what i do
i forgive myself forhaving accepted and allowed myself to justify the fact that i ve allowed myself to become a mcs by thinking that 'other humans are the same' so apparantly i m not really entirely responsible for myself

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that other beings expect things of me, when it is me that expect things of them, i expect them to help me and assist me and support me

i forgiv emyself for accepting and allowing msyelf to feel ashamed and disgusted with myself because i desire relationships and i desire to be accepted from even animals and children and because i judge that as pervert and pedophile


i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within a constant feeling of inferiority, as if there is something, someone greater than me, because i actually constantly desire recognition so i deliberately place beings above me by giving them the power to either approve or disapprove of me

i forgive myself for not allowing myself to realise and recognise my reality as the only reality that exist

till here and no further:
i am HERE as all as one as equal
i am one and equal to all beings, animals, children, human beings
trees, plants, molecules, etc
i do not allow myself to desire acceptance or love or anything from anyone as all is HERE
i allow myself to be self expression, to express myself within and as innocence and vulnerability as life as who i am HERE

2009 recognition

recognition

it s pretty silly searching for the recognition of other beings. it is believing myself to be weak and inferior and dependent on other people.

i noticed that i feel disgusted with myself for searching for other beings recognition, because what i do is lay myself under them and let them do whatever they please with me, as long as they see me lying there. as long as they notice me and see that i exist. it is my unwillingness to stand as a living statement of who i am as life. like the fear of other people. it s stupid. it is me not willing to just stand as me, just be myself, here.

i realised this and then i watched some television. it was mister and misses smith on the tv. hollywood movie with pretty man and pretty woman. and they play the whole 'i will prove my sexuality' game.

i write because of bernard. what he said and i hesitate a lot, thinking about what to write, because of desire for relationship and recognition. as if i would die for saying something 'stupid', for someone seeing my thoughts , my 'inner workings', someone seeing i m going insane with mind. because i judge that as inferior, because i look down on others. i hope other beings will have trouble with their mind, so i can feel superior, better than them. and then, of course, i would not want them to see that i am having trouble or something. and so, therefore i carefully way out what i will write. but the thing with mind now is, that nothing is certain, no thing is real.

everything is all over the place and all of certainty i have is breath is just me here and that is it. no more recognition and no more relationships. no more 'other people'.

i went to do a little project today. i printed out the text from desteni money that i translated and i hung it up in the library. then i ate pizza at a restaurant and then i went home.

i realised that i do not look at the world thru my own eyes, because i ve always depended on other people, i look at the world thru opinions and knowledge that i ve copied from for example bernard, so i only see what i think i m supposed to see. and i only express out of desire for recognition. it s funny, there s this really big fear, sort of frustration-fear of not wanting people to think that i am dumb, not wanting people to think that i am naieve.

but actually that is what i always think about other people, that they are dumb and naieve and that i am better, that i am smarter and when someone thinks i am not, i will do all it takes to prove them that i am smart. i ll say 'nono you dont understand see blablabla' and i will emphasize what i said once more to make it clear to the being that i do have a deep deep meaning with what i said, that what i said is really profound.

i want to really prove to beings that indeed i am intelligent.

i forgive myself for not having accepted and allowed myself to recognise myself
i forgive myself for not having accepted and allowed myself to support myself
i forgive myself for not having accepted and allowed myself to trust myself instead of opinions
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to want to prove who i am to other beings
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to want others to believe that i am a 'good' person, so i can believe that about myself
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to want others to think or believe something about me
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to not stand as a living statement of who i am within and as every moment as stability as life itself, like a statue that cannot be moved and cannot be influenced that is infinitely stable
i forgive myself for allowing myself to participate in the polarity frictions of desire for recognition and fear of disapproval
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to be dependent on others
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to want attention from other beings
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to desperately search for the recognition and approval of other beings
i forgiv emyself for not allowing myself to approve of myself as simply HERE
I Forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to look at my reality as myself thru the eyes as opinions and judgements of another
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to copy the knowledge and opinions and judgements from other beings and use that to look at my reality so i would not have to look at myself
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to try to avoid directly seeing myself by searching for recognition and approval
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to desire someone to notice me and to hear me and see me and form opinions about me
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to deliberately put a blindfold in front of my eyes by creating definitions about myself as my reality within desire for recognition so i would not see who i have allowed myself to become within and as alone ness
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to think about others so i would not have to see myself alone
i forgive myself for never having accepted and allowed myself to see and realise the common sense in me creating my own experience of myself in my world and therefore me being absolutely responsible for all within my reality
and therefore me being one and equal to all within my reality
i forgive myself for not having allowed myself to realise myself as one and equal with trust, strength, power, recognition, validation, approval, relationships, love, acceptance and respect, by desiring those things from the beings in my reality

i forgive myself for havinga ccepted and allowed myself to desire a man s recognition
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to believe that i am weak, a weak woman and project all of my strength on a man and then want his approval and attention and validation
i forgive myself for never having allowed myself to take responsability for how i see the beings in my reality within realising that it is me who is seeing
i forgive myself for never having allowed myself to realise the common sense that everything i see is myself as i am the one seeing my reality, i am the one seeing other beings, i am the one creating opinions etc

i forgive myself for having accepted myself to be deliberately stupid and blind because i did not want to take self responsability
i wanted to feel good and persue my self interested desires


till here and no further

i do not allow any stupidity within myself
i do not allow any self dishonesty within myself
i do not allow the search for recognition within myself because i realise that there is simply no one to recognise me as all is myself
i realise that there exist no such thing as 'other beings' and that it is pure common sense that all is me and there exist only me here
i forgive myself for having allowed myself to actually believe this nonsense about 'other people', about fear of other people, about relationships, about me being supposedly different or special or better than supposedly 'someone else'
i see and realise that there cannot possibly exist 'someone else'
i forgive myself for having allowed myself to be deceived by the pictures that i see with my human physical eyes, and separated those pictures from myself by reacting to it thru participating within the mind consciousness system that is thoughts feelings and emotions
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to become feelings and emotions as the very thing that i used to separate myself from myself, to split myself in thousands of pieces, making myself, as the i of consciousness, as this one picture, insignificant, and constantly searching for meaning and purpose because i feel so alone and lost within my reality that i ve separated from myself in the first place
i forgive myself for never having allowed myself to notice myself as i was so lost within the picture world, where i believed all the pictures i see around me, to be separate from myself because i allowed myself to react to them by participating within the mind consciousness system as thoughts feelings and emotions
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to feel inferior towards myself as 'others' as the pictures i see around me
i forgive myself for having allowed myself to want and desire my reality that i had separated from myself, to notice me and validate my existence, because i did not see myself in my reality anymore as i had become not even real, i had become non existant


till here and no further

i am HERE
I AM BREATH
i am SELF expression within ONENESS AND EQUALITY as LIFE
i am LIFE itself as natural expression
there is no separation between my expression and the expressions i see with my human physical eyes around me, because all is me, all i see is me
i do not allow myself to react within jealousy or comparison or awe towards the expressions i see in my reality because i realise that all is myself, all expessions are HERE as i am HERE
i do not allow myself to participate within the stupidity of the mind of searching for recognition or love or acceptance or strength or understanding, because i realise that all exist within my reality so it exist within myself as i am HERE within and as my reality as myself as all as one as equal
i realise the absurdity of 'other beings', i realise that there exist no 'other' as in 'separate from myself'
i am one and equal with feelings
i am one and equal with emotions
i am one and equal with thoughts
i am one and equal with what my human physical eyes see
i am one and equal to all knowledge, opinions and judgements that exist within my reality
all exist within the simplicity of breath

2009 responsibility

'after all, we are responsible for ourselves'

i ll have a look at this statement.
it, for me, implies: NO MORE MANIPULATION!!

it simplistically means, just to be here, because that is self, that is myself, that is all there is to me, and that is self responsability.

so, whenever i am manipulating, i am not here, i am 'there', somewhere projected into the future, so i am already being self dishonest within manipulating because only something that is not real in the first place can be projected into the future, which is not real either.

so, from my already self dishonest nature, i will manipulate, when i approach a being.

i will reason within myself what to say or what to do towards this person so i can protect my own interests, my own desires of survival as an ego.

when i speak to beings, i will think within myself, reason within myself. which is not HERE. what is here, is crystal clear.

it is simply HERE, i have the tendency to go ponder about shit, give it meaning. give meaning to what i say, as if it does infact mean something.

for example, i have trouble saying 'no' to other beings, i have trouble 'rejecting' another, because i myself to not want to be rejected, because of my desire for a relationship.

as i was typing this, a man called, asking me to go drink coffee in a bar. i felt anxiety because i didnt know whether to say 'yes' or 'no'.
previously when he was here, i said it was best we did not meet again.
i have that tendency to question myself, to doubt whether i am doing the 'right thing'.

i doubt 'maybe if i say no, it is my mind saying no, maybe i should go'. so i still dont really trust my expression.

so i just need to let go of giving meaning to what i do. because, really it doesnt matter if i go drink with him or not. self honesty is not what i do, it is who i am as HERE. self expression does not answer to rules. that s been my 'pickle' within this process. i was trying to be self honest, by trying to do the right thing, by thinking about what i should or should not do, within the desire of giving meaning to my expression.

when it is so incredebly simply: i am HERE, and that is it.

and it is that point that is all encompassing, that is absolute, because: i am either HERE or i am not. i am either completely and absolutely self honest, within and as self responsability within and as the moment as self expression, or i am self dishonest within wanting to survive, within desiring relationships, within wanting to rely on others to help, assist, support me.

i forgive myself for not allowing myself to be satisfied with HERE as my expression within and as the moment as i sit here breathing
i forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to question myself, as an attempt to give meaning to myself
i forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to attempt to know my expression, to try to predict and define it
i forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to doubt myself as my expression
i forgive myself for not allowing myself to be flow as the natural flow of life as who i am here, as flow as breath
i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to accept myself as natural flow, as breath, as the simplistic movement of the nature of myself as my human physical body
i forgive myself for not allowing myself to accept myself as simplicity, because i ve copied the idea from my parents that life is complicated and that my expression must consider all sorts of fears and thoughts and that i must mean something
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to desire meaning something, to desire being able to define myself
i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to accept myself as constant-ness, as stability, as meaninglessness, as simplicity
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want something of life
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that life can be anything more than HERE
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live and breathe in vain, by not recognising my body as who i really am, but by attempting to be and create more than life, than what exist here
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire separation, to desire friction, to desire feeling and experiencing something inside, because i ve associated movement inside as life and living
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to associate movement inside as polarity friction as energy with life and living
i forgive myself for not allowing myself to simply embrace what is HERE as myself as breath, as my mind, as my body, as all as one as equal, as simplicity
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to desire complexity
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to desire definitions
i forgiv emyself for having accepted and allowed myself to desire desire
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to desire separation
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to desire living within an illusion as reactions as thoughts feelings and emotions
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire reacting to other beings when i see them with my human physical eyes
i forgive myself for accepting and alloweng myself to desire experiencing fear when i see other beings with my human physical eyes
i forgiv emyself for accepting and allowing myself to want to feel good, therefore to want to be able to define what i do so i can judge it as 'good' or 'bad' and accordingly react to that with an emotion and/or feeling
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want it to mean something when i am speaking to other beings
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give meaning to other beings, so i can, within that, give meaning to myself
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, when speaking to another being, define my expression because i do not want to be here as one and equal with the other being, no, i want to be meaningful myself and i want the conversation to mean something
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to expect something from self expression that is actually not myself, to expect some kind of separation

i now see this point: of everything not being able to be anything else but absolutely constant and silence, because that is simply me. in absolute self honesty, i am only here as silence and that is it.

i tend to want to give meaning of my expression towards other beings. because i expect to feel good, i expect to feel exited, i do not really want to be just constant without expectations in the future.
it is more fun for me to react to my thoughts and resist them and fight them, than to just let them pass by and not react at all, to let thoughts be just part of the natural flow of life that is me.

thoughts are supposedly there to react to.
so, what is reaction then.

i desire to be able to do stuff, so i can show to others that i can do stuff. i want to think about how other people will react to the stuff i do, so i can give it meaning. for example when i post something on a forum, i want to think about what other beings will think about it and how it might be judged, i want to make a good impression and i want to doubt about what to write and what not and i want to feel as though it really matters what i write at all. as if it matters wheter i write ego shit or not. it should not matter to anyone else but me because i am here alone.

that is the self honest point: the aloneness wherein all is constant and all is the same, because all is me within and as oneness and equality.

and only within this constantness, can we all be one and equal.

till here and no further:

i accept myself as constant and stable as stability as life as flow as here
i do not allow myself to give meaning to myself as others as anything
i am constant

within the constantness, all is revealed, all is exposed, nothing can be hidden, because all is HERE. within the constantness, everything is direct.

the constantness is both uncontrollable yet it is self control, it is assertiveness and direct.

2009 trapping self in relationships

i ve trapped myself within this desire for relationships, within the belief that i am inferior towards other beings.

the belief that this is not really my reality, but that it is the reality of other beings around me and that my expression must be good enough for them.

i believe that i cannot explore this reality as myself because other beings might push me away.

i used to make friends really easily, i d go up to the other kids and introduce myself and within no time we d be playing. i had no fear towards others when i was a kid. yet i think that i did manipulate them with my behaviour, i would be pursuasive and nice so they d like me and want to be my friends.

it s strange to just 'let go', because there is nothing, and there will be nothing, because nothing really matters. so what i m holding on to atm is my fear of the future, definitively grabbing on to that very tightly, like 'i must keep thinking about money and job' 'i must keep thinking about the future and worry about the future' because basically it s what my parents tought me.

all my expression is like a desparate holding on to the future, holding or trying to keep control over my reality, trying to keep everything together, everything controlled and under control.

fear of actual natural self expression, of 'not knowing what i m doing' because i define that as 'bad', i believe that i must have total control over everything the whole time, the whole time worrying and worrying, very exhausting, really.

trying to keep the ego together, the desire to be meaningful, the desire to be, to exist, to be noticed by others.

i have this neighbour, a youngman of my age and i ve several times knocked at his door. sometimes just to show to myself that there s nothing to fear about others, sometimes because i felt i had to 'spread the message in my reality', i think now that he actually does not want me to do that anymore. the same with the girls that live upstairs from me. so i m afraid of my expression, afraid of being pushed away, no: afraid of displeasing other beings, that is it, afraid of doing something the beings around me will not like. because i ve always put myself under others, believing that other beings are actually right and i am wrong and i must always do what others want.

so i am in constant fear of the beings around me, that my expression will not be ok for them. because: of course, because i desire a relationship with them.

so, yeah, just letting go of it all is the only option i have, i m not going to keep on existing in this fear, it is absurd, it is like a prison. where i fear my own expression, how absurd. where i fear that my expression will not please other beings (supposedly outside of myself)

i sometimes go up to someone and i just start talking (first i feel tension and i think about 'should i?/shouldnt i?') just to prove to myself that there s nothing to fear. and yet, here i still am, afraid of my own expression, afraid of not being good enough for others. i keep evolving around that one point. believing that i need the approval of others, desiring relationships, believing that i am not strong enough or not worthy enough to just express myself HERE. believing i need to be like others, i need to resemble them, i need to look like them, act like them, BE like them. believing that i need to fit in.

so therefore all my expression is is the constant search for recognition, just trying to get the 'thumbs up' from others, trying to get approval, trying to be noticed.

wanting other beings to see that i exist and to approve of my existence. it s always been like that, so how, i ask me, how, could i stand up and explore my reality as myself when i dont even exist for myself, when there is no me that explores?

it s extremely nice to see that there is no one to fear, when there is only me, and that i am the grace of God, so to speak, i am the grace, i am the here, the all there is. and there is no thing to worry about. but: do i find myself worthy enough to accept myself as the all there is?

i had a job for a while, with a guy, an electrician. i would go with him, and learn from him. i thought i had created my own alternate reality, because at a point, i sort of saw that he was my creation, and the whole moment and the whole world was my creation, i had created it for myself out of my desire for a relationship. i was like 'oh fuck' at that moment that i realised that, but then i accepted that and i felt safe because 'hey, everything is just me, it s just me', my world, my reality, and i could just be like a baby. but not entirely because there was something i was holding onto that would not let me just sink into myself completely, something that prevented me from completely trusting myself entirely to just give it all up and let go completely. i suppose it was my 'neverending' search for relationship.

no, it was something saying 'but hey, what if this is not really my reality, what if i still do need to keep thinking about other beings and what if i still do need to keep on worrying about the future'. what if i do need to keep on fearing.

so its silly, i know that fear sucks and that fear is not real and i d give it up in a heartbeat, give up this whole reality, but 'other people', the belief that there exist 'other people' around me that i supposedly need to think about, keeps me from actually practically letting go.

i wonder how long i m going to keep this up. because it is so fucking silly, really, so stupid. i mean, here is the grace of god that is me, at my doorstep and i m saying 'no wait, maybe i m not supposed to experience me as creation as who i truly am', 'maybe i should keep on fearing'.

the fear of failing, haha, nono.the fear of what 'others might think', see, if i am the grace of god, than others are aswell, because they exist in this reality as myself as the grace of god which is who i really am. the system does not exist. fear does not exist, other people do not exist, because 'i' that 'fears' does not exist, it is all within the eternal and expansive grace that is me as life as here as who i really am as just here. as the natural flow of life as who i really am.

i mean, lol, just being, how more easy can it get? just being here, as all as one as equal. lol, fear of my expression, how silly. yes, this system indeed is silly and stupid.

what am i really afraid of when i fear other beings and when i fear my own expression?: i fear the images and pictures within my mind, the judgements, the opinions, emotional reactions linked to pictures within my mind. because i see other beings only as pictures within my mind, pictures to which i react with both desire and fear. desire to be loved and accepted by those pictures and fear of being rejected by those pictures. what does that make me: indeed: a picture, a judgeable, separable, comparable picture.

i mean: why do i think about these beings around me in the first place? why do i feel like they are in any way important? if all is HERE anyways, there s no need for me to

lol, afraid of myself: that i might, out of self expression, go up to someone, and 'fail', do something i dont have under control.

so control is a big point. trying to keep my expression under control so i dont 'fail'. i really need to get over the thought that other beings mean something, that the system means something, that expectations, judgements etc means something.

need to realise that it is i, me, self, that expects, that hopes, that desires, that judges. i find all those things important and i define myself according to that shit, i am the one that s making everything so damn complex.

as if it means something if i were to go up to a being or not, if they would reject me or not. as if rejection even exists.

i have to give up my 'human nature' to practically realise that. my human nature that tells me i need other humans to exist, that tells me that i am not alone in this existence, that there are others around me that i have to think about. that i have to consider. believing that i am a 'group animal' of sorts, a really fucked up group animal because i use and abuse the others in the group for my personal gains, and apart from that i seclude myself in my own little world. lol, that s a really weird group animal i am.

i have to give up the notion of there even existing other beings at all. basically that means accepting others as who they are and within that accepting myself as who i am here.
i was just listening to bella s new song, called 'psyche' and i noticed that i have this huge desire to judge her and her song. i want to judge her lyrics, i want to separate her lyrics, her song, her expression from myself because i want MY expression to be special, so all i see in the expression of others is ego.

i am addicted to that relationship shit of judgements and opinions and saying 'how nice' to someone just to fit in, just to be liked, but actually within my thoughts forming opinions about that person and actually comparing myself within myself and thinking 'i can do that better' or 'i am better'.

i forgive myself for allowing myself to believe that i am superior to other beings expressions
i forgive myself for having allowed myself to form opinions, judgements and ideas about the expressions of other beings and then compare myself to that and then feel either superior or inferior based on how and who i believe i must be
i forgive myself for allowing myself to desire recognition for my expression and therefore only see the expression of others from that viewpoint
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to express myself in order to create relationships with other beings
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to not want to realise that when looking and seeing another, i am looking at myself
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to not want to see all as me, because i do not want to give up my desire for relationships
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to not want to give up the comparing of myself with other beings as a form to create relationships
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to fit in, to want to belong to a group of humans
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to only express myself as a means of getting other humans to accept me
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to only express myself as a means of getting others to notice me, to see me and validate my existence
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to think that others need my validation and compliments when it is me who desire the validation of others, who wants to fit in with a group
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to desire being able to compare myself to other beings
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to desire being part of a group, and desire being the same as this group,
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to create my own illusion where i give away my power to other beings by adapting my expression to them
i forgive myself for allowing myself to desire giving away my responsability to other beings and to then get recognition for an expression that is adapted to theirs
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowe dmyself to be deceived by pictures and images
by participating in the belief that my expression is what my eyes see and that i can compare that and judge it and form opinions and the belief that my expression is separate from that of others and that i can be special in my expression
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to desire my expression to be noticed
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to desire my expression to be special
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to desire from other beings that they judge my expression and that they recognise me , that they notice me, that they think i am special and have a special expression
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed special to exist within myself as my reality by separating myself from my expression and by judging it
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to desire having a superior expression
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to be addicted to the desire to be 'better than others'
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to think that if i am not better, i am less
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to participate within the picture reality where i define myself according to my outward expression, my picture presentation, and i separate myself based on that from other beings outward expression, and then i compare myself
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to desire looking like other beings
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to judge the picture presentation of the beings in my reality, and not being aware that i am actually judging myself within separation of myself as my reality
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to have looked at others expression only with my human physical eyes, thru the eyes of the mind, of separation, of comparison, of judgement, of opinions
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to only look at other beings expressions thru separation
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to desire others to see and notice my outward expression
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from my outward expression by making it different from my inward expression, by actually using my outward expression to lie about who i am on the inside, to deceive other beings about who i am, so they'd form relationships with me
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to believe that my outward expression, that which is visible to others, is the only thing that matters about me
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to only focus on how i seem and how i look and how others would see me and completely disregard myself as self expression as that which expresses from the inside out
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to be different on the inside than on the outside
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to desire recognition for my outside expression because i ve allowed myself to believe that that is all that i am, an illusion, an idea, and therefore i needed an outside source to actually keep this idea alive
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to be addicted to this desire for recognition because i truly believed that judgement is who i am, that picture presentation is who i am
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to believe that if i look like sunette and have bernards outward expression, i will be good enough
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to judge bernard and sunette s outward expression as special and then believe that i must be like them to also be meaningful in this reality
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to be deceived by my eyes
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to only use my eyes to judge and compare and separate what i see from myself
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to disregard myself as who i am on the inside as life and believe myself to only be an outward expression, something that can be judged and compared
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to disregard oneness and equality as who i am as here as self expression and only be this outward expression that constantly seeks and desires attention and recognition and that is infact completely dead, completely lifeless, incapable of communicating
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to be incapable of communicating within and as self honesty as myself as communication by only being a picture that seeks only for recognition for its words as a false and fake expression just like the picture
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to lie about myself within my words that i direct towards others by not communicating within and as communication as myself within and as self honesty within and as oneness and equality, but to only communicate within and as the desire of a false expression as picture presentation to survive
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that it is possible to be special
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to not communicate with beings from within and as myself as self expression, but from pictures, as separation, as the desire to receive recognition, the desire to be noticed and to mean something
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear actual communication within and as oneness and equality because i fear being real, being self honest, being HERE
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to fear communication
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to communicate within and as separation by judging the words i speak
i forgive myself for not allowing myself to communicate within and as sound as the pure expression of life as the life within myself as who i really am as HERE as oneness and equality
i forgive myself for allowing myself to communicate to beings from preconceived ideas and opinions and judgements based on their outward expression, their picture presentation and how i react to it
i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to be the living expression of communication as the living word as the life within myself
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to form ideas about what it means to communicate in sound and i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to separate communication in sound from myself by feeling anxiety about it
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to communicate from the desire of forming relationships
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear myself as sound
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear myself without judgements or opinions
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear not having any knowledge or information
i forgiv emyself for having accepted and allowed myself to fear actually experiencing something for myself , actually experiencing myself for the first time
i forgiv emyself for accepting and allowing myself to desire recognition for my experiences
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire someone to notice me
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that judgements keep me safe
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that thinking about other beings keeps me safe
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that thinking about bernard keeps me safe
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be in this proces because i want to be in a group
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to belong to a group of beings
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want my expression to fit into something like a group, where i can compare my expression so i can feel 'normal'
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to be normal, as in, wanting to be like other beings, wanting to be the same, like a system, something that obeys a certain standard, certain rules
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to feel as though there are others like me and i am not alone
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to mean something and therefore adapt my expression to other beings expression so they will give me their recognition
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to conform to a system where i adapted my expression to that of the beings around me
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to be programmed as the word 'conformity'
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to be programmed as the word 'rules'
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to want to conform to the beings around me so i can give away my responsability by just fitting myself into a system of alike expressions where others will accept me and care for me as long as i fit in
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire and expect recognition for following the rules, for conforming
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to not recognise myself as SELF expression as who i really am as all as one as equal
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not unconditionally express myself in each and every moment as myself within and as oneness and equality as breath as HERE, instead of trying and attempting to achieve something thru a false expression within separation of myself as my reality


till here and no further:

i do not allow myself to conform
i am one and equal with the word 'conform' and 'conformity'
i do not allow conformity to exist in my reality
i do not allow false expression to exist in my reality
i am unconditional self expression within and as my reality
i do not allow myself to expect or want or desire something from my expression
i am one and equal to all expressions in this reality
i am the natural flow of life as the life within myself as who i am here
i do not allow myself to think about my expression or to judge my expression
because i realise that i am in no way special
i do not allow myself to doubt my expression i do not allow myself to express myself as the ego as the mind as thoughts feelings and emotions as separation
i am expression within and as sound as the purity of life as the moment as the breath as the human physical body as who i really am as life as all as one as equal HERE
i do not allow myself to give away my power and responsability to others within searching for recognition
i am self recognition i am self responsability
i am self power i am SELF as all as one as equal
i am self movement as self expression as breath as natural flow of life within and as the moment here
i am self certainty and self security as i stand and walk and move me alone within and as the moment
i am alone as all one as HERE as the standing of life as who i really am
i do not allow superiority and inferiority to exist within me
i do not allow comparison to exist within me
i realise that i would only be comparing myself to myself
i am not a picture that is of the mind consciousness system that is comparable and judgeable
i am HERE i am the breath

2009 relationships

relationships.

recognition
self expression

i feel very limited in my expression because i m looking for someone outside of me, something outside of me.
i expect something from self expression, from my reality, from myself. i do not let myself just be here. i expect to receive recognition, i expect to feel exited. i expect to mean something, i expect a lot.

at the moment i am searching for a job and need money to pay my studio. it seems difficult to be HERE because of the idea that i have that i need a job and money first so i can feel ok to express myself. but at the same time i realise that there is nothing outside of this moment, there is nothing outside of HERE.

i suppress my expression around other people because of desire for relationships with other beings. i actually fear expressing myself in and as the moment, i make images of the future, of how my expression might look, of what my expression might be in the future, towards other beings.

i hoped that being HERE would mean some profound experience, 'and suddenly i will be free and freed', but i have too many expectations inside of me about HERE, about the future. i realise that i am looking for something outside of myself, within relations with other beings that does not exist and that i will never get, because i am searching for exitement that i experienced within relationships in the past.

i fear my own expression and i am limiting myself within projections of my supposed expression in the future, out of fear of 'failing', fear of change, fear of being rejected by other beings.

i am not accepting me as all as one as equal HERE by fearing other beings, by desiring to exist and survive as the ego. because of the desire for a job and money as 'security' and 'certainty', i fear other beings. i fear taking care of myself, no more manipulating other beings so they will give me what i want.

i fear judgements, my own judgements as projected on other beings towards myself.i fear not being able to let go of the projections of my expression within my mind into the future. i have this desire within me to search for something outside of myself, it is as if something is litterally trying to move outside of me.

why i dont stand one and equal to the beings around me is because i desire them to take care of me, to support me, to give me what i want. i do not enjoy my expression in and as the moment because i want something from other beings because of my fear of standing alone.

i forgive myself for allowing myself to think about the future
i forgive myself for allowing myself to not enjoy my fingers hitting the keys in this moments because i am worrying about the future
i forgive myself for allowing myself to not enjoy my breath going in and out within each moment because i worry about the future
i forgive myself for allowing myself to not enjoy my expression in and as the moment because i worry and fear the next moment
i forgive myself for allowing myself to fear failing in the future and therefore fear being HERE
i forgive myself for allowing myself to desire relationships with other beings and therefore limit and suppress my expression
i forgive myself for allowing myself to define my expression by defining other being in my mind
i forgive myself for allowing myself to want to know how the next moment will look or what the future will be
i forgive myself for having allowed myself to try to control my expression by attempting to make an image within my mind of the future
i forgive myself for having allowed myself to expect emotions and feelings within the future
i forgive myself for allowing myself to expect something more than HERE
i forgive myself for having allowed myself to search for more than HERE
i forgive myself for having allowed myself to try to define HERE
i forgive myself for allowing myself to fear not defining myself because then i would not be able to create relations with the beings around me
i forgive myself for allowing myself to search for recognition and approval from other beings
i forgive myself for allowing myself to search for exitement
i forgive myself for allowing myself to believe that it is better to be around other beings within relationships as emotional reactions to pictures than to be alone HERE
i forgive myself for having allowed myself to not love my expression within and as the moment HERE absolutely
i forgive myself for having allowed myself to not accept my expression as myself as all as one as equal within and as the moment HERE absolutely
i forgive myself for allowing myself to desire another to give worth to me
i forgive myself for allowing myself to desire giving my power away to another so i would feel as though i am not alone
i forgive myself for allowing myself to believe i cannot stand absolutely alone
i forgive myself for allowing myself to assume that it is normal to react when i see pictures of other beings in my reality
i forgive myself for allowing myself to assume that i cannot absolutely accept myself within and as every moment as alone
i forgive myself for never having allowed myself to enjoy my expression within and as the moment within and as oneness and equality
i forgive myself for allowing myself to try to prove myself
i forgive myself for allowing myself to fear flowing as self expression as life
i forgive myself for allowing myself to fear being spontaneous
i forgive myself for allowin gmyself to believe that my expression must mean something and must go somewhere and must have a purpose
i forgive myself for allowing myself to search for a purpose
i forgive myself for allowing myself to want to mean something to other beings
i forgive myself for allowing myself to force my expression into a certain direction
i forgive myself for allowing myself to fear being HERE without defining myself and my reality
i forgive myself for having allowed myself to desire defining my reality as myself because i desire creating relationships
i forgive myself for allowing myself to purposely separate myself from other beings by forming opinions and judgements about them so i can create relationships
i forgive myself for having allowed myself to define myself according to the word relationships
i forgive myself for allowing myself to try to search for recognition and acceptance outside of myself
i forgive myself for allowing myself to try to mean something in my reality
i forgive myself for allowing myself to try to reach some experience
i forgive myself for allowing myself to suppress my expression deliberately because i do not want other beings to reject me
i forgive myself for having allowed and accepted myself to believe that i can only be myself fully when i am in a relationship, when i am reacting emotionally towards other beings in my world
i forgive myself for having allowed and accepted myself to desire to be meaningful for other beings
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to judge other beings experience in this world because i do not want to be alone with me
i forgive myself for not having accepted and allowed myself to be honest with me in every moment of breath, where ever i am in my world
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to deliberately not being honest when i am around other beings in my world because of desires within me towards this being
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to manipulate other beings and lie to other beings in my reality into noticing me and thinking about me in a certain way, because i did not want to accept myself absolutely within and as the moment as the breath as HERE
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to deceive beings in my world by presenting me as someone i am not because i am not willing to accept myself within every moment of breath HERE as alone
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to others because i do not accept myself within and as every moment as breath as alone as HERE
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to think about other beings because i do not accept myself as HERE as breath as alone completely and absolutely
i forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to fear other beings because i actually want to use them to get something that i want in my reality, within not realising that i am one and equal to all HERE
i forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not trust myself within and as the moment and therefore fear others because i give away my trust and power to them
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to consider what words i would use, what i would say in the presence of others because i want them to accept me, my actions, my words, because i do not want to accept myself fully within and as the moment HERE as the breath of life as who i truly am as all as one as equal
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to fear rejection
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to reject myself as life by participating in the mind consciousness system as thoughts feelings and emotions and then go look for recognition and validation and acceptance from other beings
i forgive myself for having allowed myself to look for recognition, validation, acceptance from the beings around me
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe i can only enjoy myself when in the presence of others who accept and love me
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to use other beings to give me money and a job so i can feel safe and secure
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to alter and transform my expression in the presence of other beings because i desire using them to get what i as ego want so i can feel safe and secure
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to fear other beings wont like me
i forgive myself for not having accepted and allowed myself to unconditionally like and love and accept myself as life as HERE as all as one as equal
i forgive myself for having allowed myself to believe that i exist separate from other beings and that i need therefore another to give me love
i forgive myself for having allowed myself to believe that my expression exist separate from the expression of other beings that i see with my physical eyes and that i therefore need anothers approval and recognition for my expression
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to express myself within and as self interest, out of fears and desires as the ego as separation
...


till here and no further:

i am HERE
i do not allow myself or accept myself to fear the future
i do not allow myself to separate myself deliberately from other beings to use them so i can feel safe and secure about the future
i do not allow myself to exist within future projections
i do not allow myself to search for more than what is HERE as me
i do not allow myself to believe that there exist more than what is HERE as me
i do not allow myself to expect anything of the moment HERE
i do not allow myself to define myself as separate from other beings
i do not allow myself to use others by altering my expression in order to please my desires, wants and needs
i am life as oneness and equality as HERE as breath
i am not relationships
i am not survival
i live here as i breath in and out within and as each and every moment
i express myself HERE as the in and out breath as life within myself within and as each and every moment as HERE as who i really am
as all as one as equal
i do not allow myself to search for recognition or validation
i am self recognition as breath as HERE i am self validation as breath as HERE
i stop searching because all is HERE as me