2009 love talk

can we deal with love?

we speak so much of love, but can we handle love? do we even know what love is? are we capable of loving? each other and ourselves.

for me, love has never really existed. i uttered the words 'i love you' a few times to my friends and family members, but i did not know what i was talking about. i might have 'loved' others, while i was abusive towards myself. i have definately never loved myself, in fact i hated my own guts.

i talked a lot about spirituality, enlightenment, beauty and life, as if i knew what i was talking about. i once had this experience during an LSD trip where i became 'one' with all of the energy, i became energy, which to me was 'love peace and understanding'. this triangle was all i could see. 'love peace and understanding' was all over the place, it was everywhere, i was so full of it that it started to sicken me. it was as though i had reached it, the top, the peek, this was it: the amalgamation with god, which is energy, which is absolute 'love, peace and understanding': the triangle. there was so much 'love' it was starting to bore me, too much 'loving energy'.

is love this energy? no
have i actually ever been able to love me? to look myself in the eyes, embrace myself? no
what does it meen to love another? it meens to be able to embrace this being, completely and i have never been able to do that. i wanted others to embrace me, i wanted them to love ME, but i would not dare to love them, to embrace them, because they might reject me, and i might get hurt, so i feared them instead. i push people away because they might do it to me, i fear what they might do to me, i fear the hurt i might be experiencing because of something that another does/says towards me. i'd rather have everyone adore and 'love' and worship me at a distance, that way i dont get hurt, i can just wallow in the thought that 'everybody loves me', 'i must be a rich being'.
what would true love be? in the first place, for love to be able to exist, i must be able to love myself, otherwise: if i do not accept love, than how can love exist?
love is definately not an experience that i can get from another, how could it be.

i could not get it from a drug (LSD), i cannot get it from sex. i am not even able to look another straigt in the eyes. i have these wild fantasies about the most amazing sex or about having a relationship, but if i cant even look another in the eyes, how could i ever share an intimacy with another, such as sex or a relationship. i suppose i am one of those people who turns the lights off when i m having sex, or who keeps it all under the sheets. i d keep the experience 'in the dark', where i know i m having sex but most of it is going on in the cinema in my mind, and i dont have to look the other being in the eyes, because i actually know i am abusing/using them, it is not love.

love is a self-experience, if there is 'another', there cannot be love