maandag 21 september 2009

2009 fear and self direction

it s been a while since i ve written on my blog. I dont have internet at home, that's the reason. i am now sitting in a building where you can use the internet for free. i was just listening to a cd on amazon and the lady who's in charge here came up to me and told me that 'we' have to work here in silence. i saw her come over and of course i knew that she would tell me that, because that's how things work in public places: according to rules, because i am actually the only one sitting at these computers. we think that this music is disturbing to 'the others' but we dont know. because we think it is disturbing to others, we ourselves become disturbed and aggrivated by it. it s like when a child is screaming and crying in a public place. the parents will become angry and annoyed at the child because they think that 'the other people' are feeling disturbed by the screaming of the child. i also feel annoyed by it only because i think that the parents are annoyed by it, i think 'please child stop screaming, because you're getting yourself in trouble'. actually what i see is a situation where i might have to stand up and speak, because i naturally assume that these parents will abuse their child, i assume this because of experience, and i fear speaking to people. often when a situation like this occurs, i will start feeling anxious and i start looking for a way out, so i dont have to be confronted, so i dont have to stand up.
i ve been feeling so locked up in my fear of people. when i hear the slightest sound of humans around me, i get tense and i litterally feel afraid, as if the sound itself could hurt me.
there' s not much to write, when i m writing on the internet i seem to not know what to write. i allow my thoughts to direct me too much, the whole time. thats why i never actually express myself, i never do anything, because i think the whole time. i am a 'thinker', a daydreamer, i spend my time in my fantasy, in my assumptions about what reality is, in my mind. i trust my mind so much to tell me what reality is, and of course my mind is all fears, so many fears about what could happen, about what reality could be, all those fears stop me the whole time, i cant DO anything, i feel uncapable of doing anything, i feel like a failure, as though i cant do anything. thats how i ve been feeling all my life: restricted and limited. always so afraid of 'other people'. and whenever this fear comes up, when there's people around, i immediately start distracting myself, looking for 'a way out' so i dont have to be confronted with all these absurd fears that exist within myself, with my own absurd inner reality. i put something in my mouth, a cookie or something, or i start looking at my hands or biting my nails or playing with my hair. to make it seem for myself that i've got important things to do, so i cannot speak to these humans, i cannot stand up, i cannot direct this situation now, i cannot express myself now, no, i have these more important thing to do, this cookie needs to be eaten now.

i am, this is what it comes down to, afraid of myself, afraid of my own expression, of my own words. and obviously that is very absurd. if i would stop distracting myself, i might just see how absurd my inner reality really is. afraid of the truth. this is what i have learned: to be afraid of the truth, to not express me, but to think twice before acting or speaking. to not flow, but to stop myself the whole time. to always apologise to people for everything i might have done or said wrong, to always think about rules that there might be and that i might have to follow, to consider what other people might be thinking or wanting.... otherwise i cannot live, i cannot exist in this reality.

what i have learned from my family is this: unless i lie, i cannot live. unless i suppress myself in every moment, i cannot exist. so i cannot be me if i want to live. i have to be someone else, better than who i actually am, i have to 'live up' to so many standards, otherwise i cannot exist in this reality: i will not be able to get a job, to earn money, to build up a life, to be successfull, to survive.
i have always been suppressing me, i never allowed myself to cry, to get angry, to get depressed or sad or aggrivated. it was as though i never even existed, all that i was was this fear, this huge fear within myself that i experience when i m around people. the fear of myself (as other people). i fear my own judgements towards myself that i project in other people.

when someone asks me a question, i dont answer as me, i give an answer that i believe i should be giving. i express myself as how i believe i should be expressing myself, i express what is 'normal', what answers to the apparent norm in this reality of what is 'good', the standard of life. i pretend to be a normal kid, teenager, adult. i try to be who i believe i m supposed to be, according to what my parents (especially my father) taught me. i am trying trying trying the whole time to be who i believe i need to be... normal... like the others.
but i always seem to fail at that.

i use my thoughts to coordinate my words and actions. my thoughts, which are 'the rules', that my family has taught me, as how i m supposed to see reality. especially concerning other people. for example 'dont do/say that, what will people think of you/us?!' 'think before you speak!!' 'dont do that, you're disturbing other people'.

people often tell me that i am so silent, shy. i always react with fear when they 'confront' me on that, it is what i ve always had to hear ever since i was little. i feel fear because i ve always actually believed that there is something very wrong with me because i do certain things apparently that i m not supposed to be doing or i m not doing what i m apparantly supposed to be doing. why am i not social? why dont i laugh a lot, like the others? why dont i talk loud and a lot like the others? why am i so silent?
i make up excuses when people adress me on these matters because i believe that i am actually doing something wrong, i never tell the truth, i never say it how it is, i never express myself. because no one ever told me i could, people have always told me that i have to be a certain way... not myself.

i am searching my expression here, there's lots that the mind comes up with 'i could do that', i could write this or that, but expression is not an effort, no thought, self expression is effortless, as easy as breath, it is not a trying. in this reality everything is trying, everyting is 'being better than who you actually are', 'trying to be better/ more than yourself' 'making something of yourself/life'. there is no must, there is no have to.

there is nothing.

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