2008 subconscious grid line structure

Subconscious grid line structure

1) Experiences with mother
-getting really sick once and staying home, she went out shopping and i felt alone at home and went outside to search for her because i felt soo alone and left. so establishing a huge need for my mother
-her getting really pissed of sometimes, rasing her voice really powerfull, really angry. much fear of that reaction from her.
-her hand reaching to the back of the car when driving while me and my brother where being silly and she got angry. fear of her 'getting hold of me with her hand' and having her grip on me
- in every discussion or conversation with her i always feel like i want or need to convince her of my way of seeing things but in the end i always feel less than her, like she won the arguement or the discussion
-always needing my mom to hold me and come take me away from camps
- sitting in the sofa holding her hand close to me as if to say that i hold on to her, i am an extension of her
-lately i cried a lot in front of her, mostly to get her approval, her pity, so she woulnt be upset or angry with me or think i am wrong
-always feeling like i need her attention and care and approval and feeling fear for losing her approval, thinking that i wont survive without her
-seeing her and my dad when really young, in the kitchen, my dad with his hand down her pants, they closed the door when they saw me.
i never liked my moms sexual 'openness', seeing her as a woman around men seeing her acting like i do when i m in love or in lust.
i ve always denied that part of me, but actually it was deep within me deep ingrained because i suppressed it so much
-i saw her family as less than my dads family because their house was smaller and her brother was gay, which was supposedly abnormal (because my dad isnt too keen on gays, and abnormality in general)
-i always disapproved of her relationships with men after she and my dad got divorced, i hated the men that she came home with, i thought they and her were disgusting, i didnt want to acknowledge that my mom needed those kind of relationships because i would never acknowledge it about myself
-i always found her ugly, my friend said once that she looks like a witch because she has a big nose, i got upset about that. i thought she was the ugliest, most disgusting person on the planet, she represented everything that i hated about myself. everything that i denied about myself. of all the humans in the world, she was the last one i wanted to become.
to me she was boring and plain, i wanted to be special and noticed
-in school there was a substitute teacher in 6th grade, she got upset in class and said 'ik ben da hier kotsbeu', (i m so sick of this i d wanna puke, litterally translated lol) , i went up to her and asked her if she was an aquarius, she was 'how do you know?' , she reminded me of my mom in her behaviour even used the same terminology to utter her frustration
this moment was also the first moment i thought i was cool, because i could see her sign, because i could make her go 'wauw' about me
-now, lately i fear my mom because i am very silent and she said once that she doesnt like that, she wants me to speak to her about anything because she feels ignored. but i m in the process of birthing myself from the physical i cant go verbally killing myself thru dishonest words, consciously, so i am extremely silent and constantly thinking about her not liking it, anticipating another one of those remarks of hers about it


2) Experiences with father
-he once got really angry at me and started yelling at me in my face, i laughed at him because he was just not as credible in his anger as my mom. with him it was funny, he didnt get to me. i actually dont have any fear towards my dad. how peculiar.
-yes: fear when i would sit in front of the tv after i came home from school or when i wasnt supposed to and eating sweets and chips in front of the tv, fear that he would come in and catch me redhanded and get angry, i would then feel guilty and ashamed. because he would find me lazy. and i wanted to show my dad that i am not lazy, that i can work
so: fear of getting cought
-->when i was young i pretended a lot that i was sick
my dad was really suspicious also, always saying 'commediant' ( 'faker'), he looked down on people who were sick or who didnt do sports like he did. he wanted me to work and show that i am not weak
i never liked doing sports, not really the way he wanted me to. he signed me up for these running competitions and batminton competitions because those were the sports that he did and he didnt want his kids to get fat
-i used to be a chubby kid and often my dad said, when i had eaten a lot ' we gaan u nog es kunnen rollen' (you ll become so fat we ll be able to roll you)
-i used to eat a lot, lots of chips sitting in front of the tv, doing exactly what my dad disapproved.
-but then lately i got skinnier, i ran, i ate less, i was starting to feel sexy and thought that my dad approved of me now and i enjoyed that thought
i was getting his positive attention, or i felt i did
-there was a time in my life that i did the complete opposite of what my dad wanted me to be, i started wearing teared up clothes, my hair was all messed up. i did that to get noticed, but i always got flamed over it by my dad. well at least i got noticed. i actually did it to be noticed by a boy at school who i wanted to find me special. but i also wanted my dads approval, so i would on occasions 'clean myself up' to look presentable to my dad.
-he s always complaining about my appearance. ever since ive stopped combing my hair and wearing 'comfortable' clothes. he likes it clean and straight and i did not fit that profile.
i used to, but then i stopped
-i was smoking a cigarette by the front door once with a friend and my dad came home, he saw me and i didn t know what to do, so i just stood there, knowing he disapproves but acting like i dont care.
-he always says that i just want to act special with everything i do, that that is why i do things.
mostly he s right about that
-he has compared me with others a lot: be more like...
i often told him 'why cant you just accept me as who i am', feeling frustrated
-whenever me and my brother did something 'wrong' he would say in a threatening way 'come here for a moment' and i knew that i was gonna get a spanking: first me than my brother or the other way around and then to our room
-also we d get 'cornered' as far apart from one another as possible
there was a moment when i went to work with my dad in the vacation, he noticed when we were there that i was wearing my raggedy assed shoes and he got angry because he didnt want his workbuddies seeing me like that, i felt he felt ashamed about me
-at school, my brother had brought pornographic comic books of my dad with him. he got cought and i felt really embarassed because now the teachers would think that my dad is a 'bad' person or parent, i started crying about that in the classroom. i also felt ashamed of it that my classmates knew about it. my dad comforted me about it 'its not so bad'
-when i had my period for the first time, my mom wasnt home and my dad came sit next to me on my bed, talking to me about it. i felt ashamed, i didnt want to talk to him about it, i felt less than him, because i was a woman
-he also once made a remark about my breast that were growing in front of my brother
again: shame of my femininity
-i saw my dad as the epitemy of strength because when i was little, i could swim with him, ride his back as if he was a whale. i looked up to my dad.
now i find me pitying him because i barely go over, i stay with my mom now and i think that he sometimes feels like his daughter doesnt want him anymore.
though there was a long time that i didnt go to my mother and i never took pity on her, never felt sad about her, in fact my dad forced me to go: i started crying in the car about it, he then put his hand on my knee as consolation but i pushed his hand away (i found that an embarassing moment between my dad and i, because it showed me as weak)
when i was in my moms house i started crying even more. because i couldn t get what i wanted, because i was forced into something




3) Religion

4) Education


5) Facing adulthood

6) Illness

2008 not good enough

i want to write, but the things that come up in my mind are 'not good enough' because 'what s the point? ', ' it wont help me'-->i create an image of how i will feel when i have written it and that feeling is always negative, always not good enough, always based on disappointment, that what i wrote wasnt good enough.

i m like that with everything, that s why i feel extremely limited, just like my tree of life said. thank u hudge
http://ca.youtube.com/watch?v=kPU0Xzjn9H4

so i was sitting here, i am sitting here, thinking about stuff to do. not really consciously, well, yes, but i was not aware of it. i m projecting myself into the future constantly: what will i do next, what do i still need to do, what will tomorrow bring, and the day after, what can i still do, what am i possible to do.

-->by constantly thinking about the things i do, i limit what i do to what i have already done in the past. because i simply cant imagine myself doing anything else, because obviously, i dont have an experience of something new stored in my mind.
like that with everything.
even while writing here, not here, now: i think about what i will write out of fear of not writing the right things, i t has to be right. even though it s never actually been wrong. inspite of that i fear 'failing', whatever that meens.

or more like: if i let go and just be me, i dont know what will happen, i wont have control of the outcome of the experience, i feel like i must add up to a certain experience of me. like there is a parameter, something i must keep in mind for me to be. i do things then, i write from a mindset, forced, guiding my words thru my mind because: it has to be 'right', i must be in control.

but what does that meen?
what is right?
-->following a path i ve been down before, out of fear of change, fear of being faced with something completely new

wwow that accordeon music that s playing now accompanies me well, it sounds like the amelie poulin music

i have an image of myself in my mind, and thats what i m holding onto, my ego, and from that and for that : i write, and do stuff
my ego is consistent of habits and patterns, certain ways of doing things, sometimes i do something new, and thats cool, but it integrates and makes a part in the pattern or it forms a new one, like desteni: a new pattern in my life
another pattern is the friends that live in my proximity: we used to always visit one another in the evenings and in the weekends: i still in the evenings and in the weekends watch the time and think about when or if they ll show up, i still feel that habitual way i used to when that pattern was still going and rolling.
eating patterns: like what i eat, sometimes i eat something new but that just starts repeating itself over time, when i eat, the sugar, the chocolat
writing sometimes, watching videos
walking: always the same road, around my house in the neighbourhood: so that i stay within close proximity of what i know and what is familiar to me, out of fear of failure, yes fear of not liking the new road i take, fear of being disappointed, fear of thinking ' i shouldnt have done this, i wasted my time'

i m listening to the amelie poulin music now, i had expected the uptempo music and i got the kind of slow 'sad' music. it is not bad it is different from my expectations but i am still here
hmmm interesting
so hey: change does not kill me, the unexpected and uncontrolled did not kill me
i am still alive i am here
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UlvcdfuHdfo&feature=related

so habits and patterns of behaviour: eating, drinking, sleeping, waking, walking, working, talking, breathing, writing, reading, seeing, hearing

i like, i dislike

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think of what i will do in the next moment because i fear being in the moment not knowing what will happen, if i will like what i did, if others will like what i did
i forgive myself for accepting and allowingmyself to fear failing, to fear not liking the outcome of what i do
i forgi vemyself for accepting and allowingmyself to cage myself within thoughts of the future based on fears of the unknown
i forgiv emyself for accepting and allowingmyself to fear the unknown
i forgive myself for accepting andallowingmyself to believe that if i think about next moments and the future that i will be safe and in control of my world
i forgiv emyself for accepting and allowingmyself to want to be in control of my world and not realising that i am my world, i am self control, i cannot be in control of something if i am this something
i forgi ve myself for accepting and allowingmsyelf to emprison myself and make myself a slave to habits and patters and familiar behaviour to keep myself safe because of fear of the unknown because of fear of change because of fear of loss because of fear of failure
i forgiv emyself for accepting and allwoingmsyelf to think that i cannot live if i dont describe, prescribe and define myself and what i do and will do
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold onto things i know because i fear letting go because i fear losing myself
i forgiv emyself for accepting and allowingmyself to define myself by the things i know, the habits i ve allowed myself to create, the patterns i ve allowed myself to create, the routines i ve alowed myself to experience myself in
i forgive myself for accepting andallowingmyself to define myself by my past because of fear of change
i forgiv emyself for accepting and allowing myself to think that i must hold on to what i know, my past
i forgi veyself for accepting and allowingmyself to do things i ve already done before because i know what feelings they will create, i know they will keep me within feeling safe
i forgiv emyself for acceptin gand allowinmyself to separate myself from safety by projecting it onto certain behaviour and certain habbits and by thinking i must stick to doing those things to remain safe within my world
i forgiv emyself for not allowing myself to realise that in no way am i in control of my world, this perceived control by means of habbits and patterns in behaviour is an illusion
i forgiv emyself for not accepting and allowingmyself to realise myself as safety as life within myself and as self control as life within myself as who i am here
i forgive myself for accepting and allowingmyself to even consider the possibility that failure exists or that it is possible for me to fail

i forgi vemyself fo raccepting and allowinmyself to fear not knowing what to do next because i in that way do not know who i will be: i will not be in control of my self: ego
i forgive myself for accepting and allowingmyself to believe that it is possible for me to know who i will be as a defenition of gestures and manurisms and behaviour that is projectable into the future
i forgive myself for not allowing myself to realise that everything and all that is projectable into the future is an illusion, is a system, is not who i am, because i exist here, the future does not exist
i forgiv emyself for accepting and allowingmyself to fear taking responsability for and as who i am by being here as breath
i forgive myself for accepting and allowingmyself to copy fear of failure from my father
i forgiv emyself for accepting and allowing myself to deny myself as the directive priciple of my world as who i am here by trusting the system i ve allowed myself to become over me as life here
i forgiv emyself for accepting and allowingmyself to even consider the possibility that i can predict the future
i forgiv emyself for accepting and allowingmyself to fear losing myself thereby denying myself as here constant as all as one as equal
i forgiv emyself fo raccepting myself to hide and run from myself into projections of the future so that i do not have to face me here as who i ve allowed myself to become
i forgiv emyself for accepting and allwoingmyself to believe that it is possible for me to hide or run into a system, because i am always here, there is nowhere to run and nowhere to hide, i face me here
i forgiv emyself for accepting and allowing myself to trust an illusion as future projections rather than what is real, which is me here
i forgiv emyself for accepting and allowingmyself to create images and pictures in my mind before doing something
i forgiv emyself for accepting andallowing myself to believe that these images that i create in my mind of what ever it is that i could do are accurate, are real, are an actual representation of how it will be
i forgiv emyself for not accepting and allowingmyself to realise that i direct my world, not pictures in my mind that are based on fear of failing, i cannot fail as who i am here as self direction as stability
i forgi vmyself for not allowing myself to realise that it is impossible to predict next moments because i am the moment here, all else is systems is the system i ve allowed myself to become that is based on past experiences which creates future projections
i forgiv emyself for acceptin gand allowing myself to use my past experiences to make future projections without realising that the past is of the system that i have allowed within myself as thought feelings and emotions, but it is not who i truly am
i am here, thus i am also not the future projections because these are based on the past as thoughts feelings and emotions which is not who i am
i forgiv emyself for accepting and allowing myself to deliberately summon certain feelings by doing things that i used to do in my past that generated these feelings
i forgiv emyself for accepting and allowing myself to build my world around thoughts feelings and emotions of the past as memories and past experiences that i kept within my mind which forms a cage for me to experience myself in as utter limitation
i forgiv emyself for allowing myself to find the moment here not good enough, to always want 'distraction', to want action, to want feelings and thoughts and emotions and want to generate these by wanting to do certain things that i associate whit the certain feelings thoughts and emotions of exitement and action
i forgiv emyself for allowing myself to believe that 'good' feelings are better than me as breath
i forgi vemyself fo rallowing msyelf to want to be entertained as i have always allowed me to be entertained, influenced by doing certain things
i forgi vmyself for not allowing myself to realise that entertainment is an excuse a flight into the system to not have to face me here
i forgi vemyself fo r accepting and allwoinmgyself to be distracted by what my mind defines as entertaining
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear doing something 'wrong' by not considering the consequences as an image within my mind
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think it is scary not knowing what other humans reactions might or will be towards my behaviour
i forgiv emyself for acceptin g and allowing myself to limit my expression by fear of losing the approval of others
i forgiv meyself fornot allowing myself to realise that i cannot lose anything because i am one and equal to all of creation, loss is an illusion, so is fear, all that happens is my own creation so if i fear losing i will lose
i forgi vmeyself fo rnot allowing myself to realise that i am the only one who can approve or disapprove of me
i forgive myself fo rnot allowing myself to trust myself in and as the moment as self expressionas freedom
i forgi vmyself fo r allowing myself to fear saying or doing something as me within the moment as self honesty that others might not appreciate or approve
i forgiv emyself for allowingmyself to consider the possible reactions of others to my possible expression without realising that possible reactions or possible expressions do not exist because i AM self expression within and as the moment as all as one as equal, so both fear of reactions as the reaction itself is of systems and unreal, a lie, not life
i am here
i am not fear

till here not further:
i realise that i am one and equal to all of creation
i cannot lose myself within self honesty within the moment as who i am as life
i need no predetermening i realise that all predetermenings and defenitions and prospects or future predictions are based on past mind experiences and it is not who i am
the past does not exist
i am here
i am stability as life within myself
i am safety as life within myself
i am one and equal to everyone around me
i do not fear reactions
fear of reactions is fear of my own reactions

2008 expression self forgiveness

i forgi vemyself for allowing myself to hold myself back in myself expression when around my mom or my boss out of fear that they might find it abnormal and they might not approve of it
i forgiv emyself for allwoingmsyelf to not realise that i am the only one not approving of something and finding something not normal
i forgive emyself for allowing myself to stick to 'rules of behaviour' and social codes and rules within my expression because that is what everyone does and that is what i ve always done
i forgiv emyself for allowingmyself to fear being a new born expression of me because i fear change because of fear of loss
i am not fear
i cannot lose myself
not within unconditional expression of me within every moment of breath as all as one as equal
whatever happens i am here
i am no system

2008 disappointment

i forgi vemyself for allowing myself to feel disappointed in me when i for exsample lose my job or do something that my mom does not approve of
i forgiv e myself for accepting and allowngmyself to feel like a bad person when clients or my boss at work or my mom finds that i do not do my job properly
i forgiv emyself fo racceptin ganda llowing msyelf to fear people thinking that i have no respect for them or that i am freeloading

2008 mother matrix

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KNhfkz7Aa0Q&feature=related

applying me in every moment of breath

i still have fear of my mother, of my employers of my costumers:
people who have appearant 'power over me', who 'dominate' me, who have 'authority'
-->because they have the 'final say' over things i dont want to lose, s a my home with my mother, the security of home and job. so: security, that simple

Mother oh mother--where are you?

I need I want and I cannot get

The future is uncertain--the future is unclear--I need some-one to guide me and tell me what to do


These statements are all related to the mother matrix specifically

-bernard

so mother and future. i need my mommy to keep me safe, in her womb, that is now a house.
i wouldn t really have a problem with being alone on my own if per exsample i were to lose my job, for me not so much of a problem. but the thing that i feel fear about is telling my mom.
i fear her reaction, i fear falling because of her reaction. i fear allowing myself to be influenced by what she has to say over me 'i must work better', 'i should care more', 'what am i going to do now, thought about that?!', ' its always the same with me, i m too careless, i will never survive in this world on my own if i dont straighten up', she will be disappointed in me, or more accurate i will feel disappointed in me thru her eyes as separation of me as who i ve allowed myself to become.


By seeing something inside yourself you are creating it to exist

i have to see me as safety, me as security, me as my own mother, me as my own womb. thus becoming independent from a house or a mother or any other thing or being. being here, in and as the mere here, and not in and as fear. take every step within and as self certainty, self stability, life as who i am. no fear of death or loss or pain, within clarity of who i am, equal and one with death and life, i am life. I AM

i forgive myself for allowing myself to feel fear towards my mom
i forgive myself for accepting andallowingmsyelf to fear my mom
i forgiv emyself for accepting andallowingmsyelf to fear being myself within self honesty around my mom because i might say something that she wont like and then she might not like me anymore and wont see me as her daughter anymore (her sweet little child that she wants to take care of)
i forgiv emyself for accepting and allowingmyself to want to be mommy s little girl
i forgiv emyself fo raccepting andallowingmsyelf to want my mom to love me and want to care for me
i forgi vemyself for having accepted and allowed myself to attach myself to my mother by thinking that she birthed me so i am dependent on her for my survival
i forgive myself for accepting and allowigmsyelf to feel guilty for not answering to the perfect daughter image that my mother has of me
i forgiv emyself fo r not allowing myself to realise that i am the only one having the perfect daughter picture in my mind
i forgive myself for accepting and allowingmyself to want to keep my mother happy with me at all times to not feel guilty anymore
i forgi vemyself for accepting andallowing myself to think i owe my mother my life
i forgiv emyself foraccepting and allowingmyself to believe that i owe my mother something
i forgiv emyself for accepting and allowing myself to hide from facing the guilt by trying not to fuck up
i forgiv e myself for accepting and allwoingmyself to try not to fuck up in my mothers eyes so that she will approve of me
i forgiv emyself fo raccepting andallowing myself to fear fucking up in my mothers eyes and not realising i can only fuck up in my own eyes as being one and equal to my mom
i forgiv emyself fo raccepting and allowingmyself to separate myself from my mom by thinking that she has power over me
i forgive myself for accepting andallowing myself to keep myself enslaved by defining myself according to the life i have always lived with my mom here in her house, where she takes care of me
i forgive myself for accepting and allowngmyself to not realise myself as one and equal to my mother
i forgvi emyself for accepting and allwoingmyself to project my self hate onto my mother in order to deny me actually hating myself for not taking self responsability out of fear of being without the support of my mother
i forgiv emyself for accepting andallowingmsyelf to separate support from me by projecting this onto my mother and by thinking i need the consent and approval of my mother over me in order for me to be supported and secure
i forgiv emyself for accepting andallowing myself to think i must respect my mom because she s taken care of me all my life
i forgive myself foraccepting andallowingmyself to think i must feel guilty like i should pay her for having 'given up her life for me' by raising me
i forgi vemyself for accepting and allowingmsyelf toconfine and enslave myself as self expression by fearing not being approved in my expression by my mom
i forgiv emyself for accepting and allowingmsyelf to always check with my parents before i make a decision
i forgiv emyself fo raccepting and allowingmsyelf to always listen to fear of my parents disapproval before i make a decisionor before i do something
i forgive myself for accepting and allwoingmyself to believe that my self expression can be decided for me by anyone
i forgive myself for not accepting and allwoingmsyelf to realise that i am life fear is not me fear does not determine me there is no need to fear fear is an illusion
i forgive myself for accepting and allowingmsyelf to believe in the illusion of the necessity of fear that i have been told my whole life by my parents, teachers, etc
i forgiv emyself foraccepting andallowingmsyelf to believe i must continu the cycle of fear, continue the dna, the genes of enslavement as those that have gone before me, like my mom and my dad
i forgiv emyself for accepting andallowing myself to feel guilty about being free as me
i forgiv emyself for accepting andallwoingmsyelf to think i dont have the right being free because my parents were never free
i forgiv emyself for allowingmyself to place myself under my mom and dad, always looking up at them as their child, always afraid of their judgement
i forgiv emyself for allowing myself to fear being alone in this world and not realising that I AM ALONE AS THIS WORLD all one as life as who i am here
i forgive myself for accepting andallwoingmsyelf to place my self responsability in the hands of my parents as i have always done

till here
and no further:
i stop the mother matrix, i stop the denial of me as life by fear of loss
i realise that i do not need my mother to keep me safe or to experience safety and security
i realise myself as safety and security and strength and nurturing as life within myself as one and equal to my mother and my father
i do not fear being alone and independant because this is simply who i am
i stand alone
here
without fear
as breath

2008 my own self expression as who i am here just me

every word i write or will write
appears in my mind first
and i know i will then get frustrated with that
because i can t seem to not do it
cant seem to let go
why not?

because i wont let go of 'must judge all that i do', must keep in account all that other humans will or might think about my words, so: i will judge my own words first, so that i am ready for their judgement.
now thats strange because i would never know other humans judgements, certainly not on this, this is a blog, i will most likely not get reactions.

i know that if i would get a reaction, i would definately reread my post thru the eyes of the person that has reacted.
as if that s possible, so i would use the imaginated eyes of the other person to look at myself 'from a positive angle' and than i would have a positive image of myself and i will feel positively about myself.

i always needed the judgement, positive judgement. i think all humans as systems do require this to an extent. but i think that with me it seems more vast.

i litterally seem to live off it. i would not need food if i would have positive judgement non stop.
hmmm no but ok
i cant seem to do something just for me, just for me
because: who am i?

what s so cool about me?
why would i want to be with me? i dont find myself as cool as i do others
i feel stupid and dumb and ugly and ignorant and irritating

but i pose as if i am not, i fake
i make it seem as though i am self realised 'to the outside world' which is me as separation of me as who i ve allowed myself to become.
i fake up to the point that i myself start to believe that i am cool and stuff
beLIEve
but i am not that, or at least i feel like i am the opposite
because
when i see people interact with each other in 'group', like on the desteni forum or on chat, i feel like i dont know what they are talking about, like i am too stupid and dumb to understand

then i clearly see how much i ve been deceiving myself by faking my expressions thru basing them on comparisons with other people: i behave and mimic behaviour of other humans that i judge as cool and smart and insightfull etc ( i only judge them that way because i can see that others react in a positive way towards these humans, so i adapt this judgement), i m not really aware of it either when i m doing it, only afer do i see oh shit i was faking it.
so in this mimiced behaviour i m 'living out' a picture, an image in my mind, and an image is a judgement tool it exists purely and only for judgement, to be judged by the mind so at that moment i am that image, that judge ment-->positive judgement that i give to the people i copied the behaviour from so then i can judge myself as positive and cool etc because i behave as them, that must then meen that i am like them, equally good.

then i can feel good about myself, thinking that if others would see me, they would compare me with the person i mimiced the behaviour from and they would see that i behave in the same manner and so they will think that i am as good as smart etc as the person i copied the behaviour from.

there is a boy in my life that i fell in love with, i started to copy his behaviour extensively. he was the thriving force behind all that i did and still do, all was for him. like: i would only be interested in the things of which i thought that he would find cool or would be interested in.

i saw love and coolness and intelligence etc (all the good things) in him and because i wanted to experience this aswell i acted like him, hoping to receive his approval so that he would see me as i see him and then i might feel like that-->because he judges me in that way....

but oooh boy if he would not see me or not be interested in me: i would not bare the thought i would try to fix it by just imagening him seeing me while i do things that i find cool (only because i think he would find it cool do i find things cool or interesting or worth giving attention to).
i imagine him seeing me watching me like an audience, judging me in everything i do. when i then do things that are 'cool', or of which i think are cool in his eyes, i would feel really good about myself. but when i do things i find ridiculous ( of which i think he would find ridiculous) i feel really stupid and quickly try to get rid of that audience in my mind lol

but of course it is only because of the audience that i try to impress that i can also feel stupid about doing certain things that will not entertain the audience (which is me in separation of me as who i ve allowed myself to become).
ok i must do this for me....
but how do i do that: i have expectations in my mind about how i must be or how i must seem (towards others), actually towards myself. i might not be satisfied or pleased about the end result of what i do, whatever it is. i might not like it .
i constantly feel like i must live up to those expectations, otherwise i am nothing or no one, or so i think. hmmm expectations?
well more like judgements, positive judgement about myself i must try to achieve within my mind with all that i do. all that i do must be very good, must amount to something, must please me...
must be worth giving attention to (for others then)
must be interesting, because if it is not, then what is it?
i define myself very much according to my 'accomplishments',: what i have to show for myself, the show i can sell, the act i present, the things i can show others

-->my dad recently complained to me about always writing and going online and appearantly doing nothing else, to him i was doing nothing of value, of worth
why?
because i had nothing to show for myself, i could not prove myself useful to others, i could not show him anything as a result of what i had done with my time which would have amounted to some kind of future making for myself.
useful would be working in the garden, going out with friends to build up my social network (yes that kind of stuff makes him pleased because those things are indications that i am a normal productive member of this society), going to see my grandparents, creating something tanguable, something that makes sence not just some crazy project...
anyways

so , me writing a blog: that would be one of my accomplishments, because it is somethings other humans can see and judge and define me as: yes, kim is a smart and insightful person because her blog is smart and insightful.
ofcourse again i am the only one judging me that way thru comparing to others and how i judge them.
smart, insightful<-->dumb, uninsightful, boring

so
ok
there are thing that i do that show me, thru judgement, that i am indeed quite smart and insightful(as per judgement definition as who i ve allowed myself to become, system)
ok so, i will then define me as this judgement over what i did, what i conceived, what i made, produced, for others to see and judge.
ok
then i defined me according to that very judgement that i placed over that one thing that i did, wrote, said, made,...
so i think i am that, i am that judgement 'smart etc, good person'
and then i can compare me as the definition with the definitions i place over others and find myself better than certain humans because my definition compares better with this ideal image (such as bernard on desteni forum) than the definition of certain others does.
-->so i now feel better than others and separate myself from them by thinking i ve accomplished something and can feel good about it, can feel like i belong with the cool people (popular kids lol)

where am i getting at with this?
ok

so my self expression
is scrambled and limited by trying to live up to expectations i place by comparing myself with other people and wanting the kind of attention from other humans that i give to them. wanting them to find me as smart and useful etc as i find them
why?
because i think that if others dont take me into the group and accept and approve of my expression, i cannot survive
i think i need other human(s) approval to feel good about myself, feel like i am useful, meaningful, like i contribute, like i belong, like i am safe

because i do not trust my own personal expression as who i am just here
because i think i need others and i fear that i will be alone in my own expression
this is duh, ofcourse i am alone all one as my self

the title of my blog really say all about who i ve allowedmyself to become
never certain of who i am or what i stand for always seeking approval
just wanting to fit in, belong to and with the group, the group of humans that i look up to, that i trust for their expression, instead of trusting my own. i trust them to tell me who i am by responding and reacting to what i do and say in certain ways. and ofcourse i need only the positive judgements for my system to be able to 'live', keep itself content.

when realising i am here alone with me, there is noone else, i really dont feel good about myself, all positive judgement disappears and i have to face me.
also when i touch myself, i like touching my skin, like the sensation, but when i then start focussing on my breath, being here. i see that a lot of feelings and emotions lie underneith the touch and it doesnt feel that innocent anymore.

i reread my text and then quickly realised i was using the positive judgement to make me feel good again, then it feels like i have to let go of something really important when i realise that this is me, just me, for me, here, as me, alone.

because o my, i am no judgement, but then my o my who am i really, what does it really meen to 'do something for me as me, here, alone' ?

so ok feeling useless and dumb and stupid and not finding my own expression good enough in comparing it to others', that is what i felt when i was on the desteni forum. i judge the interaction between the members as really lovely, really nice and beautifull expressions and i feel like i have no actual something that would match that expression in goodness to add.
so: i want to be noticed, like i notice others. i want to be found very good and etc in my expression.
but i really am the only one that is making grades in on the expressions of others so o course i may expect me to do the same unto me, duh.


i forgive myself for accepting and allowingmyself to think that i am no one if i cant contribute to the group, if i dont have interesting info to share, like the rest of the people do
i forgive myself for accepting and allowingmyself to want to feel part of a group to feel safe and to feel like i am doing ok because i am then receiving pats on the shoulder, approval, by thinking that i belong to and in a group
i forgiv emyself for accepting and allowingmyself to see being in a group as safety
i forgive myself for accepting and allowingmyself to want to be in a group because i think that they know vital information that i need to become myself or to know who i am
i forgive myself for acceptingand allowingmyself to place my trust in a group so i am also placing my self responsability out of my own hands
i forgive myself for accepting and allowingmyself to think that i do not really know what is best for me
i for give myself for accepting and allowingmyself to think i actually do not belong in a group because i am not good enough and the people will not find me good enough
i forgive myself for allowing myself to remember being a kid and wanting to belong to the popular groups but always in a way not feeling quite good enough, because i wanted it too much
i forgive myself for allowing myself to think i must 'belong' and not realise i cannot belong i just am as all as one as equal
so groups dont really exist, they are constructs based on insecurity of humans all projecting their safety onto something separate from them: the group
i forgive myself for accepting and allowingmyself to want the desteni private forum members to notice me as they notice for example ann and include me in their conversations and plans and ideas
i forgiv emyself for accepting and allowingmyself to feel 'left out' because a lot of times, reading posts i dont know what it is about while everyone seems to get the clue
i forgive myself for accepting and allowingmyself to feel stupid and dumb because i dont know what humans are talking about and they and a lot of others do
i forgivemyself for accepting and allwoingmyself to compare myself to others on the forum and often think 'i wouldn t be able to do that' and then conclude that i am less than them, i am too dumb for this group
i forgive myself for accepting and allowingmyself to think that i am to o dumb for desteni forum
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that my self expression must amount to something, must contribute to something, must help others, mus t meen something
i forgive myself for not allowingmyself to realise that i am the only one giving meaning to things
i forgiv emyself for accepting and allowingmyself to think that my self expression must look like that of others, other wise i might not be accepted or approved

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want other humans to think that i am better then them so that i may feel like i am a good person, that i mean something that i am meaningful
i forgive myself fo raccepting andallowing myself to want people to notice me, suddenly, to notice my behaviour and judge me according to my behaviour , like i do with them
i forgiv emyself for accepting and allowingmyself to judge and define other humans according to the way the act and speak as either better or less than me
i forgiv emyself for accepting and allowingmyself to believe i need some one or other humans separate from me to tell me or let me know that i am a good person by paying attention to me
i forgive myself for accepting andallowingmyself to let fear of not fitting in or not being accepted by other humans dictate me in what i do and how i experience myself
i forgiv emyself for accepting and allowingmyself to fear being alone with me because i have defined myself according to the positive judgement i seek from others and the nice feeling i experience when i feel like i have achieved this approval
i forgive myself for accepting and allowingmyself to define myself according to feelings thought s and emotions of pride over what ido
i forgiv emyself for acceptingand allowingmyself to separate others from myself by desiring their attention and approval
i forgiv emyself for accepting andallowingmyself to , in my expression, always refer to another persons expression, like in humour: referring to other things i saw like quoting things i saw from television, quotes that people would recognise and judge my humour as smart because they recognise the referral
i forgive myself for accepting and allowingmyself to not realise that all i do , i am really doing for me as me
i for give myself for not accepting andallowngmyself to realise that wanting others to notice me is really me not having noticed myself
i for give myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear noticing me, fear of what i might notice, that will not longer be covered up
i forgiv emyself for accepting andallowing myself to hide in fear, hide of myself in fear
i forgiv emyself for accepting and allowingmyself to define myself according to the fear of taking self responsability
i am not fear
i am self responsability
i am all as one as equal
i am breath
i am not judgement, because i do not exist in separation
i do not have to prove myself worthy
because i am the only one placing value in things and people
i am not the things that i do
i am one and equal to the words that i speak but not defined by it
i am not defined by anything i do or anything of this world therefore it really is impossible to judge or to exist in and as judgement
i am but breath
i am here
in and as my fysical human body
not just up there in my head inand as my mind consciousness system

till here and no further:
i take complete self responseability
because i realise that i am the creator of all that is
i have allowed all of creation as me to exist as is
though i realise that this is not who i truly am
there fore i STOP
i stop all judgement
for i realise that it is not who i am
nor is it others as one and equal to who i am
here

2008 judging self

ok
what did i find out?
today
i know i judge myself, i think 'highly' of myself, within my mind i have an audience. certain people that i look up to, that i respect: my friends.
i imagine them looking at me while i do things and then i can feel good about what i m doing, i can feel approved. feel sexy or attractive or smart or pretty or insightful or playful or nice or great or what ever i want to feel like. when do i do that?
when i m already 'feeling' good, or i do something 'cool', well at the moment that i do it it is not cool, its just what i do as me and then immediately comes judgement.
immediately i imagine them having seen it and then comes feeling good about it about myself, as if i need that
which i dont
but i feel like i need that because if i dont have that i really dont feel that great of myself, i feel quite the opposite, i feel dumb, ugly, worthless, uninsightful, not good enough
so i would need that judgement of people who i deem as better than me to see me as equally good as them or even better than them so i may have the illusion for myself that i am better than i feel i am.
because i really feel like i am no one, i have no abilities, no capacities, i can do nothing without screwing up.
-->i think that because i have these expectancies of myself i make an image of myself, one that i cannot live up to and that is why i feel so worthless and less than others. because i compare and see that i am not like others and i feel like i must be like others to be ok, but i will can never be like them completely so i will never be good enough.
because i was am constantly comparing myself to others i am really denying my own qualities or talents well those things dont really exist i meen expression, my personal direction expression.
because with everything i question: is this good enough?
will they like me if i do this?
will i be liked?
will i be ok?
will i be accepted?
and sometimes i feel accepted
sometimes i look at what i ve done or said and i feel good about it because i imagine others judging it and me as others as separation of myself judge it as funny or insightful or cool or good or contributional or...
but that judgement can turn just as easily, then all of a sudden i look at the same thing and judge it as really stupid and dishonest and dumb and think: if they would see that they would see that it was all an act
and then i can feel so self pitiful
i can pity myself so much for just not knowing what to do who to be
honestly
self honestly
who am i anyways
my whole life has been a show for others to approve of and to see and judge
without my audience, i would not exist or so it felt
and now
who am i now?
as myself
everything i judge as not good enough
and so on occasions i still feel the need for imagening myself seen thru the eyes of those 'cool' people and i then judge myself as cool and can feel good about myself
for a moment

but ok
that is not me
and neither is the feeling of not being good enough....
but it is here
i ve allowed this all inside of me
and where did it come from?
i spontaniously think about my dad and about how he always compared me to others, my friends, his friends, other girls, children....
he does this still infact: he compares me and my brother to the kids of his new girlfriend
they always behave and do what they are told: why dont we? why do we always misbehave?
truly we seem to never be good enough
he used to have to be reminded by my mother to give us a compliment, and then he would do that : obviously forced
i wonder how this is for my brother
he seems to have conformed nicely i d say, but i can see that he has a 'group mind' and by that i meen that he has no personal oppinions that are in any way deviant to those of his friends....
as neither did i ....ever
but this is not about my brother, i actually dont know him, he doesnt exactly talk much about himself, as neither did i ...ever
i thought that to be weak: being open about your feelings, emotions, problems...
i remained closed
why?
i think that because my dad was like that...
i think i copied a lot from my dad

i remember, well not really remember, but i saw these home videos , and i saw that i used to be quite an expressionative child, constantly singing dancing etc, quite lovely.
but then , i got closed and sealed up
no openness
no sexuality
i remember a moment where my dad made a remark about my develloping breasts in front of my brother and then i got so ashamed of my femininity, so maybe thats where that started.
because i was always quite masculin, like i hung or wanted to hang out with boys, while i was afraid of them, actually in love but i would not mention that i just want ed to belong with them be their friend. actual girls i found silly and stupid i could not see how boy s could like them at all

so i acte d like a boy to get their respect, perhaps because i thought that my dad would only give respect to a boy and not to a girl, which was what i was.
the first memory i have of feeling like it s cool to be like a boy is when i wore the same t shirt as a boy in my class. sort of the same.
although i dont think he liked that all that much....
i really liked that t shirt, really wore it out

with my friends we never talked openly about our emotions, sex was ieuw. but i remember having a sexual experience with my friends. though afterwards we bearly talked about it, and when it came up it was more like we never want to be confronted with that moment again.
ashamed because it was 'noughty' and wasnt supposed to be.

i remember feeling ashamed when i was really young somewhere in first or second year of pre-school
i think it was a dream but it was me not wearing any underwear while sitting on the floor in class in the group and i was wearing nothing but a sweater so i pulled it all the way over my legs and felt soooo ashamed. ...must have been a dream. i had other such dreams when i was really young that had to do with feeling ashamed and being in an awkward situation that had to do with being naked. also i remember a moment when i saw the underwear of one of my classmates while she was playing in the park. and i was like OMG and i laughed at her, i felt better than her because i could get others to laugh with me. and i thought of her as dirty and stupid.
other girls of my class who liked to touch one another because they liked the feeling on their skin, when i saw them doing that i laughed at them i thought that that kind of openness about feelings and emotions is not ok is ridiculous. is weak and stupid.
so i was not weak or stupid.

i guess i thought i had to be that way to survive in the group, because everybody seemed like perfect and cool and 'strong', so in no way was i gonna be alone so i changed myself in order to fit into the group. although i never felt like i belonged with the cool popular kids, i always felt less than them, but i felt like i had to be with them.
even though i had other friends, people i liked better, that i had fun with....
it was like something inside me whispered in my ear that i should drop those people and try to be cool and popular, try to be like the people that others look up to, that i look up to, to be looked up to and be approved of aswell. guess it s the same with boys, i looked up to them, thought they were cooler then girls, better, so i tried to act like them so that they would see me the same way...
just like something whispered in my ear that i should not like my mom even though she really loves me and seems to care more about me than my dad does.
nope, i thought she was stupid and dirty, because she was open about sexuality and she was nice to me.
my dad wasnt , not really actually, not that i can remember.
so i wanted to be with my dad, weird because at that point my parents were living apart and my dad had this girlfriend with her children living with him and she wasnt really nice to me either.
it was only afterwards that i realised that i really coulnt get along with this lady because she expected things of me i just couldnt live up to, i had to be perfect, and the first half year i managed that, but then she got upset with me once and i kind of didnt bother anymore to try for her: they still use that moment as 'where it went wrong'-->i seem to be pretty radical in those things, if a person says something bad or something i dont want to hear or offends me, i drop them like a stone and dont look back, no second considerations. pride got hurt: you re out!!



like when my friend said that she thought my mom looks like a witch because she has a big nose, i just got up and left.
i started to walk home.
i think they got me back because i wasn t allowed to walk home by myself i was too young for that.
but many times i remember just feeling insulted, then suddenly dropping everything turning my back and leaving.
like once my mom got mad at me for doing something rather onlogical and i had damaged one of her draperies in the process and she called me a dumb cow. i felt like that was so 'not done', so unrespectful, i immediately left and did not speak a word to her, she thought that was silly behaviour, but my pride was really solid like a rock, i then traveled across towns with my bike, went into every church and 'purified'. when i got home, my dad was there and my brother to pick up some things, i said what happened and they disagreed with me, said that it was silly behaviour of me.
i then afterwards started crying, because my pride had gotten so brutally damaged: i was saying ' i just wanted to do the right thing, but i seem to never be able to do the right thing' which basically ment 'i just want your approval, and when i dont get it i ll do everything to make you see that i am right and ok and when i still dont get it i feel worthless and my whole world falls apart and then i resort to trying to get you to take pity on me so that i eventually will get you to think i am ok and correct afterall'.
talk about selling your soul.
well, perhaps more like selling my integrety.
when i was really young i left home alot too, so that my parents would instead of being angry at me, take pity on me and feel guilty, so they would respect me for who i am.
all i wanted was their respect. and i never felt like i got that, ever. i truly always gave it all i got, desparate as i was, but i never felt like they saw me as a person that is equal to them and is to be respected for her opinion. always feeling like a dumb kid.

anyways: is that now it?
wanting respect from people?
but never seem to feel like i do get that....always feeling less....though doing everything i can to make them think i am actually better, remarquable, respectable, ok...

....changing myself completely just so that others might approve of me, the fake me, just for a feeling that s only there for a moment.
like take this post for example, i m just writing for me as me, but then i go and reread it, supposedly from other peoples perspective, other people who will read this, other people who are appearantly better than me and can elevate me thru their judgement of positivity...
and then the whole post becomes but a picture, an idea, a judgement, worthless inessence, something i DID and that i can define myself as.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowingmyself to define myself according to the judgement i place on the things that i do
i for giv emyself for accepting and allowingmyself to judge the things i do as good or bad
i forgive myself for accepting andallowingmyself to compare what i do to what others do and based on that comparison judge what i do as good or bad: the more it resembles what others do, the better the judgement will be
i forgive myself for accepting and allowingmyself to separate other people from myself by thinking i must be like them, by thinking they are better than me or they know what is best
i forgive myself for allowing myself to think i dont know what is best for me
i forgive myself for allowingmyself to not trust myself to do what is best for me as who i am as an individual expression as self expression as life, me as life
i forgive myself for allowingmyself to rely on others to know what to do or who to be
i forgive myself for allowingm yself to fear not doing the right thing if i dont compare myself to others
i forgive myself for allowigmyself to think that right and wrong exist
i forgive msyelf for allowingmsyelf to deny myself as life as who i am, deny my own expression by believing that i would not survive if i dont fit into a group
i forgive myself for allowingmyself to believe imust fit into a group must be accepted by a group and must therefore change who i am to conform
i forgive myself for having allowed myself to believe in conformety
i forgiv emyself for having allowedmyself to define myself according to conformety
i forgive myself for having allowed myself to believe that i need the approval of my parents and friends in order to survive in this world
i forgive myself for having allowed myself to buy into the bullshit that i need others in order to survive
i forgiv emyself for having allowed myself to not question the motives of others or question what i do but just follow others and do what they tell me out of fear of dying fear of being alone
i for give myself for having allowed myself to fear being alone
and not realising that i am alone, all one, this is me, here, in and as self direction in and as oneness and equality, i create
i am the creator and the created
i am breath, this is who i am

tillhere no further: i will not accept comparison as me anymore because i realise i am but comparing me to myself as the separation as what and who i ve allowed myself to become
separation is not me
i will not accept fear of death or lonelyness as me anymore because i realise that i cannot die and i am alone as life as all as one as equal here

ok, now the question is:
who am i?
what is my expression?
without judging myself, without comparing myself, without looking at others, without relying on others..
just me, here

2008 promiscuity

i was walking.just taking a walk
i like that.
suddenly someone whistles.
i look back, there s a black guy standing by his house wanting me to go over
i do
he says hi i m guillaume
he invites me into his house
we watch some tv
some chit chat
his neighbours come over. they start talking about sex and they mention that i am a pretty girl, they keep reminding me of i am a woman yet they re constantly talking about sex, making jokes etc...
i sit there, appearantly not minding it, but i m constantly wondering in myself 'should i mind?'
i really dont know,
-->just be here as breath..
they tell me to losen up, drink some wine, i say i am loose enough for me and i need no wine
i keep wondering should i say something but what
i really dont know what to do or say out of self honesty
they look at me in a way that a man checks out a woman, i dont respond, i just sit there.

the neighbours leave and guillaume tells me he loves me and he wants me to be with him, give him a chance he will make me very happy
i try to explain why that can t happen for me, but i realise that he wont understand, he cant ofcourse
i keep trying to convince him of who i am but he gives counterarguments....
because i dont know how or what to do
i just am there i dont need anything of him and i try to convince him that he really doesnt either...
but ofcourse that doesnt work, convincing systems, i m just trying to convince myself
-->because i dont KNOW

he then touches me and holds my face and kisses me
then: i stand up and say, no!
before: i didn t know, i seemed to have no reason to say no
but now he was forcing me
then he pleaded me to stay
i said no and walked away

and afterwards i feel bad, a physical feeling of being faced with 'unpurety', like the 'sex' , the whole situation got into my body and i feel unpure

-->because i allow people to take advantage of my kindness and my just being ok with everything, my naitivity

i consider myself as weak towards men and let them do what ever to me because i dont know where to draw the line: what is self honesty and what isnt
only afterwards my body lets me know i ve allowed a lot within myself
i m afraid of showing them i can stand up for myself, show them who i am
or simply be who i am, because i might hurt their feelings
because i feel like i wont be able to handle it if they would get mad at me


i just was sitting there thinking 'this isn t so bad', i didnt really want to be there but i thought 'thats just my mind trying to avoid confrontation' so i stay and just let them talk

-->i should have said when they started to talk about seks and trying to get me to losen up
'i dont agree with this'... or something and leave
but i didnt because i keep questioning myself: 'would i be fooling myself by doing that, would it be dishonestly towards myself, hiding, running from the situation', because i m the one that makes a big deal about sex, or maybe not i m not even sure.
ofcourse i dont agree with them talking about it like that but i reason with me 'maybe i m just a prude'.

ok seems what it comes down to is big unsertainty of who i am, dependance on others finding me ok, a good person who does right things.
because i liked thinking that they see me as a good little girl. a pure person.

i see sex as unpure: like porn and touching en kissing etc

i never wanted to be touched, because it created feelings in me i didnt like, arousal
only time i liked those feelings was when being with the person i loved, then they were nice
when i was watching a movie with my parents when i was young and people started kissing, i looked away or went to my room
i didn t want people to see i had any reactions towards sex, i wanted them to see i was pure
but at the same time, when i was little, i stayed up late for the late night erotic movies and i had very 'vivid' and 'over the top' sexual fantasies
i never talked openly about sex or sexuality, about my femininity, because i got ashamed when i used words with a sexual connotation

i have male friends and when we re together they talk about sex in a very unrespectful way, like guys sometimes do when they re together, and i just sit there appearantly not minding it
but actually, self honestly, i dont like it when they do that
but: i always wanted to seem like i m ok with everything, so that they wont see me as a stupid girl who doesn t understand guy stuff
no , i wanted to be found all right by guys, treated as one of the guys. but i had no desire joining in the conversation about sex because 'i m not like that', 'i m not sexual' 'i m neutral'



i always get into these kind of situations: guys that are really nice just want a girl to be with and they see that girl in me and they want to marry me and have a serious relationship with me
but i dont want that and i have trouble getting that message accross because i dont want to come off as mean or i try to say self honestly how i see or experience things so that i dont personally offend them but i try to make them realise that i am not this girl they are looking for.

by doing that: i merely state that i am weak and they take advantage of that by then touching me or trying to kiss me because i guess they see i wont resist.
only then do i stand up and say: i dont want to be forced i m out of here

so: i suppress my own sexuality, by thinking i am strong and not influencable by those kind of emotions , i m under complete control of myself.
but by doing that, i only make myself hyperinfluencable because i dont really know my own feelings, so its hard for me to set limits or boundaries. i seem like i dont care, up to the point where i even believe i dont care, but under the layer of suppression the feelings stir even more due to the suppression. and without me being aware of it i get fysically influenced by it because the suppression has manifested so deeply into my body that it is now completely unconscious, on a mere fysical level, where i litteraly have no control over it.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress sex and every sexual feeling
i forgive myself for accepting and allowingmyself to think that feeling aroused is a bad thing
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think i am a bad person for feeling sexual arousal
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to associate sex with unpurety and porn and secrecy
i forgive myself for accepting and allowingmyself to fear feeling sexually aroused
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to avoid feeling aroused and avoid being confronted with pictures and images that could trigger that feeling inside me: people kissing, people having sex, pornography, sounds of people having sex or feeling aroused
i forgive myself for accepting and allowingmyself to fear sex and arousal taking control over me

i forgive myself for not accepting and allowingmyself to realise that that which i resist persists and by fearing being controled by arousal or by trying to avoid it i m allowing myself to give meaning to it and therefore influence me
i forgive myself for accepting and allowingmyself to not know my own limitations with regards to what i let people do around me with regards to sexuality
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think sex is a secretive matter and something that should not be openly discussed
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to avoid talking about seks or sexuality
i forgive myself for acceptinga nd allowing myself to avoid speaking words that have to do with sex or sexuality, such as vagina, penis, penetration, fucking, making love, nipples etc
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think and believe that sex and arousal makes me weak and i dont want to be seen as a weak person
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid of the openness of sex, because if i m open i will be vulnerable
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe i am protecting myself by not wanting to have anything to do with sex
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience myself as weak towards men
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that men have power over me because they can make me feel aroused
i forgive myself for accepting and allowingmyself to fear men
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to seperate myself from men by associating men with sex and the feeling of arousal
i forgive myself for accepting and allowingmyself to want men to find me strong, not a weak girl who responds to flirtation
i forgive myself for accepting and allowingmyself to think i am not good enough for sex
i forgiv emyself fo raccepting and allowingmyself to think i am not pure enough for sex
i forgive myself for accepting and allowingmyself to fear humans seeing me as unpure if they were to know i have sexual feelings and emotions
i forgive myself for accepting and allowingmyself for seeing people who have sexual feelings and emotions as unpure
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel weak towards men when they talk about sex because i dont want them to see any reaction towards it in me and thus by resisting a certain reaction within me i only make it stronger
i forgive myself for accepting and allowingmyself to define me as an asexual person or a neutral person
i forgive myself for accepting and allowingmyself for thinking that if i am open about my sexuality i will not be able to control myself
i forgive myself for accepting and allowingmyself to think i must control myself
i forgivemyself for accepting and allowing myself to fear humans seeing that i m not in control of myself and finding me ridiculous
i forgive myself for accepting and allowingmyself to find me not pretty or sexy enough for sex
i forgiv emyself for accepting and allowingmyself to fear being sexy
i forgive myself for accepting and allwoingmyself to think i am not feminine enough for sex
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being feminine
i forgive myself for accepting and allowingmyself to believe that men dominate woman in sex
i forgiv emyself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that woman are weaker than men and not wanting to be seen as a weak woman by men and therefore wanting to be one of the guys
i forgiv e myself for accepting and allowingmyself to want men to respect me
i forgive myself for accepting and allowingmyself to think that men dont repect woman because they talk about them in an offending way
i forgive myself for accepting andallowingmyself to feel offended by the way men talk about woman when theyre in a group
i forgive myself for accepting and allowingmyself for reacting with the feeling of arousal when men or woman talk about sex or use words that refer to sex
i forgive myself for accepting and allowingmyself to react with the feeling of arousal when i see porn or images of people having sex, people kissing, animals having sex, sounds of people having sex
i forgive myself for accepting and allowingmyself to think i have nothing to do with sex and to want people to believe i have nothing to do with sex so they will respect me for my purety
i forgive myself for accepting and allowingmyself to feel ashamed about my sexuality, my sexual feelings and thoughts
i forgive myself fo r accepting and allowing myself to define me according to the feeling of arousal and the fear of the feeling of arousal
i am not fear
i am not arousal
i do not fear sex
i am sexuality as life within myself
i am one and equal to all men and allwoman


i dont think this is over though i think there s an experience or multiple experiences in my childhood that triggerd it but i cant find it right now

2008 fear of mother

my mother comes home, with every step i hear her take i feel fear.
i sit in front of the computer and i expect her to possibly make a comment about that, i m getting ready for her to come in the door because i will feel forced to say hello, not self expression but because i feel like if i dont she ll think i am ungrateful

we start talking discussing.
and my writing comes up, she thinks it s useless for me to analyse everything that is said. she especially does not want me to write about what she does or says.

i assure her that i do not observe her, i observe me within what happens and what i say or do.
she still thinks it is useless and tell s me i should do that like an hour a day and for the rest of the time do something usefull (same reaction i got from my father)
-->i say i do what i want with my time. and then i compare her to my father and say that i am never taken seriously, but while saying that i realise oh shit, i m talking from insecurity, wanting their approval, wanting them to take me seriously so i wont have to stand for and as who i am
within what i say and do

and now, as i am writing, i feel like i m doing something wrong , because she just told me that she doesn t approve of it.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my mother
i forgive myself for accepting and allowingmyself to fear the dissaproval of my mother
i forgive myself for accepting and allowingmyself to feel helpless when my mother disapproves of what i do or does not see what i do as useful
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want my mother and my father to see that what i do is useful and good
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself according to the consent and approval of my parents over what i do
i forgive myself for accepting and allowingmyself to think i am helpless if they do not approve of me
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself according to the parent-child construct where the child is dependant on the parents support as approval of what the child does
in order for the child to survive in this world
i forgive myself for accepting and allowingmyself to think i am a bad person for doing something that my parents do not approve
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see my parents as the law of being, the law that i must obey or if i dont i cant be
i forgive myself for accepting and allowingmyself to think that i cannot live without my parents support
i forgive myself for accpting and allowing myself to think that my parents decide weither i survive or not
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing my parents, their approval over me, because then i might lose the security and safety that they provide
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think i must do things that my parents think are usefull
i forgive myself for accepting and allowingmyself to think that i must do what my parents do, because then they will see i am useful like them and productive
i forgive myself for not accepting and allowingmyself to realise that all that people do is because they dont know how to be
i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to trust me as who i am here and rather trust the fear that i allow myself to feel due to constructs of the system ive allowed myself to become
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be dependant on the systems of my parents and in that allowing myself to be a system
i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to recognise the self deciciveness and self caring and self confidence and self assurance that is me as life as one and equal to my parents
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel anger towards my mother because she doesnt see that what i do is very useful
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from my mother by feeling like i need her and therefore fearing losing her and therefore feeling angry when she does not approve of me because that might lead to her rejecting me
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear taking self responsability and separating my self responsability from me and projecting it into my mom in wanting and expecting her to take care of me
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think i am alone if i dont have my parents totake care of me
i forgivemyself for accepting and allowingmyself to fear being alone without my mother to take care of me or to approve of what i do
i am self nurturing as life as who i am
i am my own mother
i am one and equal to my mother
i am here
i forgive myself for accepting and allowingmyself to fear change like losing what i have now and having to take care of myself
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself according to my current situation therefore fearing losing it because i fear losing me as that defenition of me
i am not a defenition
i am freedom
freedom is self directiveness within and as breath as and within the moment as who i am

2008 living alone

okay
what happened today?
or better yet, yesterday. my mom came home, there where sf writings of me lying there on the table , she read them.
in them i called her a dominant bitch, because i experienced her as that.

she got upset, now she s ignoring me, she s pissed. i noticed her behaviour and went up to her to 'fix' it because i don t want to feel ignored, i want to feel approved.

i say 'everything alright?', she says 'yeah why', i pause and go in my mind 'what should i say, so that i dont sound stupid to her..', then i say 'i dont really know why..'
she says 'well maybe i am'
'is it because i didn t do the dishes?'
'maybe that too..'
she says that it s not nice to read that your daughter calls you a dominant bitch
'behind your back' -->because i wrote it down instead of speaking to her about my feelings

i say i dont call her a dominant bitch, i t s just how i ve allowed myself to experience her because i always feel inferior

she thinks i m observing the family and separating myself from them by writing all the time about what i think and feel, but i never talk about it
i say, well you cant expect me to just do that, i ve never done that

yes you have she says
you used to be different.

ok
i try to convince her that i am right in doing what i do: writing,...
but i know that i m only doing that because i fear losing her, the security i project in her and separate from myself


now
i m searching for an appartement, because i feel like she would want me to move out, and it s better for me too
because i am too dependant on her and everything and everyone around me
i m like a leach
i might die when i m alone

i m scared i can t do what is necessairy to be done, like practically.
i ve always depended on my parents to take care of all the practical stuff for me.
like filling in my taxes, paying bills, providing

i don t trust myself because if i am alone, i will not have any confirmation, from anyone
i will not be able to know if i am doing the right thing, according to the rules
maybe i ll screw up

-->fear of failing i guess

nothing or no one to compare me with

i used to always in everything, look at what someone else did so i can know what i should do, so that i will not be wrong

but in that,i also wanted to be noticed, but then in a good way

so: i look around me to see what is the right thing to do, and then with that i try to profile myself as outstanding in righteousness.

so now, i feel like a very bad person, like a freeloader, like egotistic. because i may take advantage of the cares of my parents, but only when i show them that i listen to them and show gratitude.

now, i m not showing any gratitude, because i do not speak or barely, i m almost constantly on the computer, writing. when i m not on the computer, im writing on paper. i m secluding myself from them.

and i can t convince her anymore that i am grateful because she already read what i think of her, to her i m already lost. i dont think she still sees me as her daughter.

i m still separating myself, i feel egotistic, only thinking of myself. afraid of losing my safety and security that allowes me to feel special, needing special cares.

i m afraid of saying i ll move out because she might agree with me on that and i still want her to take care of me, take me under her wings, not set me free.

because i do not trust freedom, i do not trust me as free
i do not trust me to make the right decisions in society, to take care of myself and not get me in a mess.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate safety and securety from myself by placing it in things and people around me, such as my mom, a house, an appartement, a job, money

i forgive myself for accepting and allowingmyself to feel like i am a bad person because i make my mother feel bad.

when i m around her i feel this incredible tension, and i m afraid to act or speak, do anything, because my mother is feeling like that. or maybe i m just thinking that. but it seems so real. like it s really her that feels sad.

2008 fear of failure

what controls my world as the mind consciousness system i ve allowed myself to become, is fear of failure.
this is within everything that i do, wheter it be big assignments, projects or little tasks or behaviours or doings.
first comes the idea of doing something, sometimes accompanied with the feeling of exitement of wanting to do this. then follows images, future projections of what the experience of this task or project or doing will be for me. these images are based on fear of failing.
-->what i want is to be perfect, to be flawless in everything and all that i do
problem: what is perfection? what is flawlessness?
-->perfection does not exist, not in and as the mind as who i ve allowed myself to become, so, noting i do will or can ever be perfect, i can never accomplish perfection; therefore all i do or will do or set out to do, will inevitably fail, due to the abscence of perfection as what i want to be and do, due to the simple fact that i cannot state for myself what perfection is.

why do i want to be perfect if i dont even know what perfection is?
-->because i dont find myself good enough, i must always be better
i suppose more like other humans, like the image of them i hold in my mind as who ive allowed myself to become

i cannot seem to be able to just follow my own actions, follow self movement, be self movement. because i might fail in doing/being so, it might not be perfect.
what am i trying to do?
i must always have a preconceived idea in my mind while during and before i do something, the idea of perfection, the idea of my doings, my sayings, my ideas, my beliefs, my choice of words, my way of speaking/writing that it is good enough.
appearantly good enough for others, i e the image of others i allow myself to create within and as my mind as means of separation as who i ve allowed myself to become.

within freedom, as me, within the moment as self expression, who knows what might happen, what i might write or say, that might not be perfect

-->so, perfection as what i want cannot be reached as and within the mind because it does not exist therefore within the judgement of my by me as the mind consciousness system i ve allowed myself to become, i will fail, always
i need this constant judgement and futureprojections to assure myself that what i do will not fail...because all i do will inevitably fail due to the inexistance of perfection there is nothing i can do, thus i will decide that what i had set out to do, i will not do.
and ironically i cant just let go of fear of failure or desire for perfection and be here as me as self expression in and as the moment, which is perfection, because i fear that the 'endresult' will lack perfection, will be of failure. even though i know damn well that perfection does not exist.

-->perfection to me is being judged by others the same way i judge them, but at the same time, failure is fearing others judging me the same way i judge them.
in this, i cannot do anything because nothing can. there is no way in and out of this.

as if i have an outcome, as if i am a result of actions, why live at all then, if all action is but means to an end.....an end that doesn t exist, that will never be good enough.

COMPARING/COMPARISON
come pare
separate
se pare
within me runs the constant comparing to humans within my world.because appearantly i am not good enough for them, for me. within comparing i try to be the same but at the same time i try to separate myself from them by wanting them to find me special, to notice me.
i seek their approval and at the same time want them to admire me and look at me same way i look at them.
-->this is impossible existance, existance ruling itself out, therefore this, which is the mind, cannot exist, is non existance. because it s constantly cancelling itself out, contradicting itself.

self expression cannot be compared, because it is one and equal to all things, though individual and unique
it is one and equal to all expressions, though still here as me, individually, as myself, as who i am, one and equal

i decide what is good enough, as myself but also as separation as the m c s .
i dont decide, as the m c s, i allow, onto me. not as me

from the m c s i ve allowed myself to become, i seem to never be good enough for myself, always one step behind
...of myself
thru comparison
to myself

but at the same time, i am perfect :)
at the same time i judge others according to what i think is 'cool' -->i try to use different word for this, but i only know this word to describe it 'cool'= special, remarquable, something that other humans around me will find 'cool', look up to, be jealous of, be envious of, look at in admiration

but see within wanting to be admired i m placing the beings above me because i give them the power to make or break me, to either agree, approve of me or to disagree, disapprove of me
-->within this, what i try to do, is want those beings to feel the same way about me as i do about them, i want them to feel less then me, but i still depend on them for my survival as the ego, as the perfection
for perfection to exist there must be imperfection
so i will, as the m c s i ve allowed myself to become, feel eternally imperfect

oh no i don t want that
i dont want to fail, but i don t want to fear failing and in that fear limit myself in my expressions
i just want to be who i am
one and equal
here
breath
explore myself without limits
as life