2008 - desiring worthlessness

yesterday after i wrote on the blog, i did some self forgiveness outloud, speaking and it was interesting what came up:

my DESIRE to feel worthless and bad and stupid and 'i cant do shit'.
the 'weakness' of me is a DESIRE, the feeling of 'being disappointed in myself' is something i actually WANT NEED AND DESIRE.

there is a cycle that i step in to and participate in: i make and create expectations of myself as future projections and images within my mind, i expect things to go a certain way, i create sort of a 'set path' within my mind that i 'have to' follow from the starting point of fear of being faced with disappointment and regret in the future when i ve done something.
these expectations are in fact impossible to live up to because they are simply not me! so the inevitability of feeling regret and disappointment in the future is imminent because there is no way but to fail at those expectations. so then when 'it doesnt work out', i feel disappointed in myself and i believe that i am 'stupid' and that i cant do anything, that i have no capabilities, that i am worthless.
and then from there again i create future projections and expectations because in this 'worthlessness' i am not willing to trust myself and accept myself as who i am HERE. and so the cycle continues...

this is one side of a polarity: worthlessness, inferiority

to balance that out i am in constant search of recognition from others, i strive for proving myself 'worthy', i want to make other beings see that i am a very smart, interesting, strong being, so i can feel good about myself, so i can feel 'superior and strong'.

this is the polarity that i am constantly moving in.
every thought i have is either a future projection as fear or a thought wherein i compare me with others and i feel superior and good about myself or where i think about the past, where someone (a male) noticed me and admired me or said something 'good' about me

the DESIRE for this feeling worthless and inferior is the 'self abuse-construct', the 'sexual' energy that the system i ve allowed myself to become generates itself with. i notice that i tend to 'hurt' myself when i do something that causes others to be angry or annoyed by me, or when i slip into my mind and participate in thoughts and reactions. not physically hurting but i go into a self-hate state. if others are not pleased with me, i blame myself and i truly believe that i am stupid and wrong. i immediately 'turn to myself', i become my own punisher.

this is the battle that i have with myself: it might, interdimensionally, look like me standing before myself, putting me down, yelling at myself, telling me that i am 'no good' and 'stupid'.
so to actually accept myself means, embracing that 'me' that i have put down, all the way down, the 'me' that i deem to be worthless and insignificant.

actually there is also physical hurting involved: little acts of self abuse such as scratching my skin, pushing out my pimples (i experience this as sort of a release: i sort of get into a trance when i am pushing out my pimples, like acting out all my self anger and self hate on myself as my body, and then afterwards i feel 'better')


so, expectations: i am searching for a job atm and i can feel how i am manifesting regret in the future, by creating expectations and images of the future, of 'me in the future' in my mind. and then i fear that possible and probable regret and disappointment in the future.

it is how it has always been, how i have allowed myself to become.

and then to compensate that i search for recognition by for example writing a blog, 'showing myself to others', so i can 'bask' in the idea of other people noticing me and judging me as 'good, cool'